I need to get past these weekends.

[damage control]

Well ... it's Friday and of course, he is back spending the night/weekend with my replacement  ... it's been almost 6 weeks now so I need ro accept that this is not going to be a fly-by-night thing.

Every single weekend that he does this it sends me back to ground zero ... i am 6 shots into a bottle of vodka and I am dreading the next 2 days.

It's my last hurdle but it is a big one.

This weekend, I am torturing myself with the the knowledge that

1 - he has stopped going to the  dating site he frequents and this makes me think/fear that he is 'happy' with my replacement because he doesn't feel the need.

2 - if this is true ... then maybe it was just me ... maybe he isn't damaged at all and it really was/is just me

3 - I feel so alone

4 - maybe she is his 'true love' and they will live happily ever after while I rot on my own ... .

I am not looking for reassurance - Yoda knows that nobody can predict what will or won't happen ...

I am just still not up to be left behind while he saunters off ... choosing her over me ... I am so pathetic.

[Ironmanrises]

Well ... it's Friday and of course, he is back spending the night/weekend with my replacement  ... it's been almost 6 weeks now so I need ro accept that this is not going to be a fly-by-night thing.

Every single weekend that he does this it sends me back to ground zero ... i am 6 shots into a bottle of vodka and I am dreading the next 2 days.

It's my last hurdle but it is a big one.

This weekend, I am torturing myself with the the knowledge that

1 - he has stopped going to the  dating site he frequents and this makes me think/fear that he is 'happy' with my replacement because he doesn't feel the need.

2 - if this is true ... then maybe it was just me ... maybe he isn't damaged at all and it really was/is just me

3 - I feel so alone

4 - maybe she is his 'true love' and they will live happily ever after while I rot on my own ... .

I am not looking for reassurance - Yoda knows that nobody can predict what will or won't happen ...

I am just still not up to be left behind while he saunters off ... choosing her over me ... I am so pathetic.

Maybe that is true with a non disordered person. With the predictable madness exhibited by our exes, showcased all throughout these posts, paints a quite uniform picture of the outcome of a relationship with a pwBPD; Idealize, Devalue, Discard. In different flavors and hues, underlined with the same ___ awful consistency once the trigger day arrives and things come to part soon after. You are not pathetic, Btw. 

[damage control]

Thank you Ironman ... .I feel pathetic ... and evil ... I wish him destruction and I wish him pain ... I wish I had never met him ...

I wish that he never ever finds peace and that he is doomed to repeat patterns ... but most of all ... I wish I could just be indifferent.

[Lady31]

Well ... it's Friday and of course, he is back spending the night/weekend with my replacement  ... it's been almost 6 weeks now so I need ro accept that this is not going to be a fly-by-night thing.

Every single weekend that he does this it sends me back to ground zero ... i am 6 shots into a bottle of vodka and I am dreading the next 2 days.

It's my last hurdle but it is a big one.

This weekend, I am torturing myself with the the knowledge that

1 - he has stopped going to the  dating site he frequents and this makes me think/fear that he is 'happy' with my replacement because he doesn't feel the need.

He's not "happy" with her.  Who knows why he has taken a break.  Maybe he is bored with it right now.  Maybe he started getting negative feedback and it pissed him off/bruised his ego.  Whatever - he will eventually be back on.

2 - if this is true ... then maybe it was just me ... maybe he isn't damaged at all and it really was/is just me

From all you have seen it is not the FUTURE that will tell you that it was him and he is all jacked up - it is the PAST.  Yes, you do have issues, like all of us.  That is why you are in this mess to begin with - but they are not the same kind of issues and you will heal and grow.  He can't.  He will keep on keeping on with his patterns.

3 - I feel so alone

We all feel alone sometimes.  Sometimes we find our strengths when we are alone.  Be your own best friend.  Learn to soothe and love and take care of yourself during this great opportunity.  Try to get to a place where you have peace during this season of being alone.  This will pass, as all seasons do.  Enjoy as much of it as you can.

4 - maybe she is his 'true love' and they will live happily ever after while I rot on my own ... .

This is comical.  Not even close sister.  It's crazy what our minds will tell us while we are in the fog.  This is not reality, it's a lie.  He will have no "true love".  Actually, she is his version of "true love" - and so were you, and so will the next one be.  Just that his version does not equate to what our version of that is.

I am not looking for reassurance - Yoda knows that nobody can predict what will or won't happen ...

Uh, actually I would say very easy to predict. You don't have to be a prophet on this one.  He absolutely WILL do the same thing to her, and over and over again.  Take that one to the bank!

I am just still not up to be left behind while he saunters off ... choosing her over me ... I am so pathetic.

You are NOT pathetic.  That was also the hardest thing for me to accept regarding my exh.  He didn't have good cycles for a LONG time. Things were so bad the last 1 - 2 years that there wasn't much good to actually be missing - at all.  YET - I was still broken over it.  Why?  Because he didn't choose me. He abandoned me.  He dropped his wife out in the cold like nothing - actually told me there at the end "You're nothing" "You're nobody".  OUCH.  This does not make you pathetic.  Who in the world would LIKE feeling used and thrown out?  I would say that is a normal response.  Time to decide that YOU are the one sauntering off though.  Time to decide that you are the one choosing something/someone else over HIM.  You can do it.  You will make it out.

[Lady31]

I want to throw in a big hug too DC!

What part of the world are you in if it's ok to ask?

[waver]

Hello DC,

don't torture yourself, you cannot be sure what's going on!

In the end of August on a Friday evening I saw the uBPD and the actual girl riding horses together. I imagined how happy they are, I was sure that later they feed the horses and make love all evening in complete harmony.

I went home and got really drunk ( holy vodka  ) and called him, saying that "get away from the farm and take your f***g horses wherever you want". (  we loan the farm to him, free of charge... .)

Next morning I was a big cold turkey. I checked his e-mail box. ( I see only that messages that are sent on facebook, but don’t get to be opened for some hours. )

The girl wrote him after returning home:

„I don’t know what to say. I went there to be with you and to train the horse, and you acted as if you didn’t know me. It hurts me. Sometimes you behave yourself normally, other times it seems you are a jerk”

I could have spared myself from this torture…

Take care of yourself!   

[damage control]

Thanks for those responses Lady.

I am feeling like because he has all the control of when he sees this woman (only on weekends and then not every weekend) combined with having me here as an emotional buffer zone have combined to make this new RS 'perfect' ... .of course, I KNOW it's not perfect ... .but prhaps it won't trigger him ... she won't trigger him.

This week has has seemed not to be on skype or on the dating site ... .I thought perhaps things had gone awry with her and hence the increased attention to me (for soothing) ... bleurgh ... can't stop myself from going to all the wrong places tonight ... I'll be better tomorrow ... or Sunday ...

I am currently in Sydney ... one of the 6 million

[damage control]

Waver ...

That is a scenario that I fantasise about on nights like this ... .but the fact that this has been going on for 6 weeks now and the fact that he only sees her on w/ends seems to indicate that he is able to keep things fresh when he does see her ...

They had a 'falling out' a few weeks back but she accepted his apology obviously as he has been back there twice since then ... I remember those apologies: "I'm sorry that I hurt your feelings" ... not I'm sorry for what I said or did of course because, well ... .that wouldn't happen - or if it does, it's insincere ... but my point is that she is in for the long haul because whatever the transgression he apologised for, it will have been a boundary-eroding one ... and, like me, she has decided to batten down the hatches rather than get out/run.

I am babbling ... I'm just so over these weekends and over being knocked on my bum every time he goes off to stay with her ... it's just so damn 'civilised' of him (as he would say) to have a RS like this. And that makes me think that this could be long-term ... and I don't want to know that ... I don't want to know any of it anymore ...

Just wish I could vanish from this house ... .a few more weeks and I will hopefully be able to lever myself away ...

[State85]

DC,

Stay strong!... .THE PRIZE ISN'T WORTH THE PRICE!. You know that, everyone in his life will find out as well.

[broken but not beaten]

Dc i don't know the answer so can't contribute a great deal I'm sorry but your not alone... friday night vodka too as is every night,its almost replacing one drug with another to numb the pain,I know it will be there again in the morning as real and raw as before,but your not alone

[PuzzledMate]

Thank you Ironman ... .I feel pathetic ... and evil ... I wish him destruction and I wish him pain ... I wish I had never met him ...

I wish that he never ever finds peace and that he is doomed to repeat patterns ... but most of all ... I wish I could just be indifferent.

All of these feelings are human.  You are in the anger stage of mourning.  It hurts so you want the person hurting you to hurt.  You'll get past this but trust us on this one... .he isn't in any less pain than before.  He is just repeating patterns that he thinks can mask the pain he carries constantly.

Your turn to be human again.  Mourn, be angry, be sad.  Just don't stay that way, there is just too much to do and see in this beautiful world!

[damage control]

DC,

Stay strong!... .THE PRIZE ISN'T WORTH THE PRICE!. You know that, everyone in his life will find out as well.

Thanks State ... .he doesn't actually have an 'everyone' in his life. He has one male friend who lives in a different state and they are in minimal contact - hardly ever. Other than that - nobody ... well, the ex before me but that is only because they work together - she gives him a hard time at work (she is his boss) and they are not in touch outside of the workplace.

There will be no 'finding out' for him ... he leaves/abandons/betrays everyone he becomes involved with - to him, any emotional attachment from either side is his cue to go as it triggers engulfment ... as he lives in 'fear' in the abstract sense on a daily basis, he cannot deal with more fear that the trigger brings out ... when he dumped me, he tripled his Xanax dose to get through the weeks that followed - however, he was of course simultaneously going to stay with my replacement so, my feeling is that this fear is far less ambiguous or abstract than he makes out or perhaps realises ... .it seems pretty damn obvious to me.

[damage control]

Dc i don't know the answer so can't contribute a great deal I'm sorry but your not alone... friday night vodka too as is every night,its almost replacing one drug with another to numb the pain,I know it will be there again in the morning as real and raw as before,but your not alone

Yes ... numbing the pain/reality and trying to find something to help me sleep ... it is the morning now and things are just as real, just as raw ... just as frustrating and just as bewildering ...

[damage control]

Thank you Ironman ... .I feel pathetic ... and evil ... I wish him destruction and I wish him pain ... I wish I had never met him ...

I wish that he never ever finds peace and that he is doomed to repeat patterns ... but most of all ... I wish I could just be indifferent.

All of these feelings are human.  You are in the anger stage of mourning.  It hurts so you want the person hurting you to hurt.  You'll get past this but trust us on this one... .he isn't in any less pain than before.  He is just repeating patterns that he thinks can mask the pain he carries constantly.

Your turn to be human again.  Mourn, be angry, be sad.  Just don't stay that way, there is just too much to do and see in this beautiful world!

Hi PM

I understand the desire for 'revenge' (to have him hurting) is normal ... .and I get on an intellectual level that he is hurting because of his issues/disorder/s ... he even tells me how crappy his life is ... but I don't feel it and I don't see it ... I see a man who has walked away scott free after turning my life upside down ... I am in a new city/state, trying to cope with a new job, without my things, without my dog and dealing with the loss of what I thought was the love of my life ... after 7 years of being single ... I gave up everything ... and he was able to just move along and say 'next!' ... .if he was hurting/despairing as much as he claims then how is it possible to go and spend weekends with this woman?

I don't know about you, but when I am in despair, ... when my life is bleak ... nobody I meet holds any interest for me, starting a new RS- sexual or otherwise is off the table ... I just cannot be bothered ... so, I am sceptical of his 'pain and suffering' ...  

[damage control]

Wow ... this is hitting hard this weekend ... only 11am and I am alreay drunk ...


Last weekend, him beingh here sent me into a spin ... this weekend, him not being here has sent me into a spin ... I am damned if he does and f&cked if he doesn't

I am borderline (no pun intended) suicidal this weekend ... .I don't wanna be me and I don't want my life ... I am floating without a tether because my tether is a crazy person who cannot offer anything but fleeting connection and a desire to connect with anyone who-isn't me

I am not going to do anything stupid ... I have been down that path before and not going again but, if there was a big red button that I could push ... I would happily do so to just fall into the black ... it beckons me so seductively ... .to not feel anymore, no more decisions to make ... no pain to feel ... no healing that needs to be done ...

Why do I get the baggage? Why do I attract the BPD? Why do I get to be damaged without the option to just transfer to somebody else? Why do I get stuck with empathy?

Why doesn't somebody else just make it all better (no matter how fleeting)?

I feel ripped off ... discarded ... .less than zero ... and so, so tired of trying to pick up the pieces... .maybe the pieces are exactly where they need to be ... maybe they are a mirror sent to remind me that no matter what I will never, ever find that person who will love me ... .maybe, its simply not my character arc to find that ... maybe I am the tragedy ... .the warning for everyone who walks after me ... .maybe I am simply a warning ... .a folk tale ... a moral dissonance for the up-and-coming ... a cruel joke ... a myth.

I don't think I can get through this ... it isn't about him ... he has simply made me (re)realise that I am fundamentally unlovable ... .he chooses to be with somebody - anybody rather than me ... .and given that he is nothing so special ... this ordinary, psychologically screwed up emotional cripple cannot even see my worth ... what chance is there for anybody else? ... if I breathe, am I alive? ... .or is this really hell-on-earth and I didn't get the memo ... .is it so wrong to long for the end?

[Ironmanrises]

I am borderline (no pun intended) suicidal this weekend ... .I don't wanna be me and I don't want my life ... I am floating without a tether and my tether is a crazy person who cannot offer anything but fleeting connection.

I am not going to do anything stupid ... I have been down that path before and not going again but, if there was a big red button that I could push ... I would happily do so to just fall into the black ... it beckons me so seductively ... .to not feel anymore, no more decisions to make ... no pain to feel ... no healing that needs to be done ...

Damage control, from someone(me) who has tried suicide twice, please speak/reach out to someone ASAP if you are feeling that way. I can relate to how you feel to the letter, but when it comes to that, it isn't to be messed around with, it is a slippery slope down.

[damage control]

I am borderline (no pun intended) suicidal this weekend ... .I don't wanna be me and I don't want my life ... I am floating without a tether and my tether is a crazy person who cannot offer anything but fleeting connection.

I am not going to do anything stupid ... I have been down that path before and not going again but, if there was a big red button that I could push ... I would happily do so to just fall into the black ... it beckons me so seductively ... .to not feel anymore, no more decisions to make ... no pain to feel ... no healing that needs to be done ...

Damage control, from someone(me) who has tried suicide twice, please speak/reach out to someone ASAP if you are feeling that way. I can relate to how you feel to the letter, but when it comes to that, it isn't to be messed around with, it is a slippery slope down.

IM

I too have been down the suicide path ... .it doesn't work for

me ... it appears that I am indestructible ... irony is ironic that way... .I have no intention of slicing and dicing ... I have enough scars already ... but ... if i could wish ... .

[maxen]

this summer i communicated with www.samaritans.org/how-we-can-help-you

you can email with them if you're in the US. they were patient with me, sometimes writing twice daily.

use them if you need them, okay DC?

[TakingWingAtLast]

DC,

I so very much empathize where you are.  The devaluing by our pwBPDs has it's toll!   But you need not feel that you are nothing, or less than nothing.   You are suffering like us all!  And you are feeling the very reasonable grief from loss!  

Yet, I'm very concerned for you, DC!   Please reach out to a trusted person and ask them for help.  Stay online with us here and keep blogging and journaling here.   Call your trusted friends and family.   Reach out and visit someone you know and bring them a treat!   Try to engage in your future, as painful as those few steps will be!  

I'm a'cheerin' you on!  Please be well!

D

[Lady31]

DC,

Hey LOVE!  Time to turn those thoughts around honey.  Yes you are going to get through this.  Yes it will turn around.  Yes, you will feel ok again. 

Your value does not come from this man or ANY man.  It comes from your Creator.  The Word says that you were fearfully and WONDERFULLY made and that before you were born, He KNEW you.  You are very very very very very important.  You have specific gifts and talents that were given to you to make a big difference in this world.

This is why I was stressing so much about you getting out of there.  You don't realize how far and fast your mind and soul can slip into darkness when you are surrounded with this junk.  Oh, but when you get out... .

The sky will be brighter and brighter.  You will feel lighter and lighter.  You will pity him as you see him more and more as the broken man he is and NOT as the one who could offer you your happiness or value.

Hang on sister.  Hang on!  Your beautiful life is waiting for you on the other side of him.  GET UP.  BE STRONG.  I pray the Lord fill you with supernatural strength and open doors now for you to get out of there - in Jesus name.  Now start looking for them and watch Him back you up.  I will be waiting to see your post relating it - I am confident in His goodness.  I am going to be praying for this for you tonight.  All you have to do is start looking for a way out... .and it will come.  Just take the first steps.

I am in the states.    I was hoping maybe we lived somewhere near each other.  You are coming out of this.  People have survived much worse.  YOU WILL TOO.

Don't you dare give up my friend.

[willneverno]

Hey Damage Control,am In Sydney too,small world eh,weekends are tough,no doubt.Hang in there tomorrow will be better,we live in a beautiful city- state -country,great place mostly good people.Have had similar experience with my wife,wont let that beat me,you either,stuff-em,lots to do lots to see,breakfast in Bondi,lunch in Katoomba,drive through the mountains,look at the kangaroos dodge the snakes(two legged types in particular  ),but most importantly live your life to the full,look out your window,look at the opportunity this wonderful place affords us all,your not alone,there are lots of us,we feel the pain,we have a scar and we have a story to tell,we have to keep going so others learn from our experience . . . Please look after yourself.

[mango_flower]

Just wanted to say I could have written this post myself. I'm badly struggling with all the same stuff, so can't think of anything helpful to say at the mo, I'm sorry.

Just wanted you to know you're not going crazy (or maybe we both are!) as I have exactly the same thought pinging round my brain, day in, day out.

It all feels hopeless!

We can only take one day at a time... .

Hang in there.

[damage control]

this summer i communicated with www.samaritans.org/how-we-can-help-you

you can email with them if you're in the US. they were patient with me, sometimes writing twice daily.

use them if you need them, okay DC?

Thanks Maxen.

I'm in Australia but I am sure we have similar ... I am not going to do anything stupid ... but I do wish I had that big button and could just evaporate ... .There isn't really anything anyone could or can say ... .the process needs to happen ... time needs to happen.

[damage control]

DC,

I so very much empathize where you are.  The devaluing by our pwBPDs has it's toll!   But you need not feel that you are nothing, or less than nothing.   You are suffering like us all!  And you are feeling the very reasonable grief from loss!  

Yet, I'm very concerned for you, DC!   Please reach out to a trusted person and ask them for help.  Stay online with us here and keep blogging and journaling here.   Call your trusted friends and family.   Reach out and visit someone you know and bring them a treat!   Try to engage in your future, as painful as those few steps will be!  

I'm a'cheerin' you on!  Please be well!

D

Thanks TWAL

I don't really have anyone to reach out to ... well ... I do ... but, well, people get tired of saying the same thing to you and listening to the same thing.

All I am left with is this last bit of utter confusion and betrayal ... .the sense that I SHOULD have known better, SHOULD have seen this coming, SHOULD have understood that nobody could have possibly been my everything and I was a fool to let him become that ... .

I know my future only too well ... because it will be what my past was - years of doing well professionally ... having friends who seem to love me but who, really, don't know me as well as they think they do because only someone who is intimate with me knows the real me (and can subsequently reject that person) ... .my future means wrapping up/suffocating the desire that is eating me whole right now because the very nano-second that I am able to, I will bury it so that this pain won't happen again ...

I will function ... and on the surface I will live, and laugh ... and those around me will think I am living my life. But I won't be ... .

The planet, the trees, the moon, the stars, thoughts of god/s ... wonderment of any kind ... these are alien to me ... .what I was seeking, what I have always been seeking , I found in the mind of somebody who is an abyss ... who wasn't even really there ... .it's unattainable, toxic ...

I care nothing for money or things ... I despise the capitalist nightmare that surrounds me ... the only thing I crave are those moments ... those little moments when somebody adores me so much that they seek to devour me ... when my mind shuts down and my lover and I sink down into the rabbit hole.

No 'normal' man can do this for me ... .I am not attracted to 'normal' men ... .I want to play in the fractured psyche of my (ex) lover ... all of my ex lovers ... .revel in the Dionysian pleasures they bring. Apollo holds no interest for me. He doesn't represent me nor interest me.

Moving on means standing in the sun ... being 'whole and well' ... or at least pretending to be. It means forgetting that I could ever feel truly alive ... it means ... .giving up ... again.  

[damage control]

DC,

Hey LOVE!  Time to turn those thoughts around honey.  Yes you are going to get through this.  Yes it will turn around.  Yes, you will feel ok again. 

Your value does not come from this man or ANY man.  It comes from your Creator.  The Word says that you were fearfully and WONDERFULLY made and that before you were born, He KNEW you.  You are very very very very very important.  You have specific gifts and talents that were given to you to make a big difference in this world.

This is why I was stressing so much about you getting out of there.  You don't realize how far and fast your mind and soul can slip into darkness when you are surrounded with this junk.  Oh, but when you get out... .

The sky will be brighter and brighter.  You will feel lighter and lighter.  You will pity him as you see him more and more as the broken man he is and NOT as the one who could offer you your happiness or value.

Hang on sister.  Hang on!  Your beautiful life is waiting for you on the other side of him.  GET UP.  BE STRONG.  I pray the Lord fill you with supernatural strength and open doors now for you to get out of there - in Jesus name.  Now start looking for them and watch Him back you up.  I will be waiting to see your post relating it - I am confident in His goodness.  I am going to be praying for this for you tonight.  All you have to do is start looking for a way out... .and it will come.  Just take the first steps.

I am in the states.    I was hoping maybe we lived somewhere near each other.  You are coming out of this.  People have survived much worse.  YOU WILL TOO.

Don't you dare give up my friend.

Thank you for the very sweet post Lady.

Of course people have survived worse ... of course it will end ... of course I (or at least most of me) will come through this to another side. Of course I will let go.

I am an atheist ... but this doesn't mean that I don't appreciate your thoughts and prayers ... I truly, truly do.

[damage control]

Hey Damage Control,am In Sydney too,small world eh,weekends are tough,no doubt.Hang in there tomorrow will be better,we live in a beautiful city- state -country,great place mostly good people.Have had similar experience with my wife,wont let that beat me,you either,stuff-em,lots to do lots to see,breakfast in Bondi,lunch in Katoomba,drive through the mountains,look at the kangaroos dodge the snakes(two legged types in particular  ),but most importantly live your life to the full,look out your window,look at the opportunity this wonderful place affords us all,your not alone,there are lots of us,we feel the pain,we have a scar and we have a story to tell,we have to keep going so others learn from our experience . . . Please look after yourself.

Hey WNN:

I am new to Sydney - came here from SW WA so, its a bit overwhelming to say the least. I don't have a car so, cannot just get around easily ... and most of the time I am lost (I mean that geographically but the other way works just as well).

Lots to do and see ... .one needs interest in such things and I have none whatsoever ... at least right now ... .the train is exhausting ... .and coming from such a beautiful part of the country I am a bit unimpressed with the countryside ... .a tree is a tree is a tree ... I am grateful for them but they don't engage or warm me ... .

[damage control]

Just wanted to say I could have written this post myself. I'm badly struggling with all the same stuff, so can't think of anything helpful to say at the mo, I'm sorry.

Just wanted you to know you're not going crazy (or maybe we both are!) as I have exactly the same thought pinging round my brain, day in, day out.

It all feels hopeless!

We can only take one day at a time... .

Hang in there.

Hey Mango ... perhaps we ARE both going crazy ... perhaps we always were ... perhaps crazy is the only sane response to what we have been through and where we are ... .

We can certainly take one insane day at a time until we are (re)conditioned to stop wanting and hurting ... perhaps that is all we can ask for.

[TakingWingAtLast]

DC,

I so very much empathize where you are.  The devaluing by our pwBPDs has it's toll!   But you need not feel that you are nothing, or less than nothing.   You are suffering like us all!  And you are feeling the very reasonable grief from loss!  

Yet, I'm very concerned for you, DC!   Please reach out to a trusted person and ask them for help.  Stay online with us here and keep blogging and journaling here.   Call your trusted friends and family.   Reach out and visit someone you know and bring them a treat!   Try to engage in your future, as painful as those few steps will be!  

I'm a'cheerin' you on!  Please be well!

D

Thanks TWAL

I don't really have anyone to reach out to ... well ... I do ... but, well, people get tired of saying the same thing to you and listening to the same thing.

All I am left with is this last bit of utter confusion and betrayal ... .the sense that I SHOULD have known better, SHOULD have seen this coming, SHOULD have understood that nobody could have possibly been my everything and I was a fool to let him become that ... .

I know my future only too well ... because it will be what my past was - years of doing well professionally ... having friends who seem to love me but who, really, don't know me as well as they think they do because only someone who is intimate with me knows the real me (and can subsequently reject that person) ... .my future means wrapping up/suffocating the desire that is eating me whole right now because the very nano-second that I am able to, I will bury it so that this pain won't happen again ...

I will function ... and on the surface I will live, and laugh ... and those around me will think I am living my life. But I won't be ... .

The planet, the trees, the moon, the stars, thoughts of god/s ... wonderment of any kind ... these are alien to me ... .what I was seeking, what I have always been seeking , I found in the mind of somebody who is an abyss ... who wasn't even really there ... .it's unattainable, toxic ...

I care nothing for money or things ... I despise the capitalist nightmare that surrounds me ... the only thing I crave are those moments ... those little moments when somebody adores me so much that they seek to devour me ... when my mind shuts down and my lover and I sink down into the rabbit hole.

No 'normal' man can do this for me ... .I am not attracted to 'normal' men ... .I want to play in the fractured psyche of my (ex) lover ... all of my ex lovers ... .revel in the Dionysian pleasures they bring. Apollo holds no interest for me. He doesn't represent me nor interest me.

Moving on means standing in the sun ... being 'whole and well' ... or at least pretending to be. It means forgetting that I could ever feel truly alive ... it means ... .giving up ... again.  

DC, you have a poets soul, you know that?

I get that need for someone who is living largely!  To experience those highs and lows.  It has it's own attraction all by itself.  And therein lies the cycle and the re-engagement.  And the void.  I miss indeed the craziness of someone who was both bipolar and pwBPD.  There was always energy!  Whether good or bad, there was that.  I no longer have 50+ text messages/day and 15 calls coming to my phone.  I check it constantly waiting for the ding or vibration to let me know that I've gotten a message.  I now only get 5 messages a day and they are mundane, irrelevant to my soul and baseless.  I await the blistering texts of devaluing that come about every other day with both trepidation and eagerness.  In short I am addicted to the drama.  It weighs on me heavily this afternoon as I know she is having a party with all her bipolar friends.

Nonetheless, I am going to live largely in my own life.  You can absolutely create your own world that has all the things you desire and it need not be with someone who is ill, but rather someone who is enlightened!   And that can be done healthy and whole.  I have known many people who are sane and yet live life to its absolute fullest.  And I shall be one of them.  And I will meet someone who is also living largely. 

And you will too!  Have hope!

D

[damage control]

DC, you have a poets soul, you know that?

I get that need for someone who is living largely!  To experience those highs and lows.  It has it's own attraction all by itself.  And therein lies the cycle and the re-engagement.  And the void.  I miss indeed the craziness of someone who was both bipolar and pwBPD.  There was always energy!  Whether good or bad, there was that.  I no longer have 50+ text messages/day and 15 calls coming to my phone.  I check it constantly waiting for the ding or vibration to let me know that I've gotten a message.  I now only get 5 messages a day and they are mundane, irrelevant to my soul and baseless.  I await the blistering texts of devaluing that come about every other day with both trepidation and eagerness.  In short I am addicted to the drama.  It weighs on me heavily this afternoon as I know she is having a party with all her bipolar friends.

Nonetheless, I am going to live largely in my own life.  You can absolutely create your own world that has all the things you desire and it need not be with someone who is ill, but rather someone who is enlightened!   And that can be done healthy and whole.  I have known many people who are sane and yet live life to its absolute fullest.  And I shall be one of them.  And I will meet someone who is also living largely. 

And you will too!  Have hope!

D

I am unsure if I am addicted to the drama ... he/we didn't have much in the way of misunderstandings or dramatic falling outs ... but in and of himself ... .the constant calling/texting ... being reminded of how much he desired me all day every day ... I guess that was dramatic ...

Like you ... I have this very new and disturbing love/hate relationship with my phone ... .where are the messages telling me that he cannot function at work due to thoughts of me? Why does anybody else even bother to call or text? ... .how can they possibly compare?

I was prompted to look at some emails after your post ... .because I am very much in doubt that I will find a sane or stable man who will every touch me in this way again ... physically and metaphorically ...

I am pasting an email here from a while back ... .it was written when I had come here to Sydney to visit him for a few weeks:

Just out of curiosity as I'd thought this both during our first fu%k and several times after, did you notice that the entire experience seemed as if we had done this before?

I'm not trying to produce a terrible cliche here, yet did it not seem as if the entire experience were akin to the meeting of old lovers... .as if... .we had already met many times in the past, perhaps years ago and that this "first kiss" was as familiar as our own bodies?

xXx

desires

It makes me cry because it has gone ... the man who spent all day every day in wonderment of how he and I could be so intensely matched ... .is now matched with another ... and he didn't leave me due to anger, fighting or even because we weren't suited ... .he left me because he imagined I 'wanted/expected too much' ... .

[TakingWingAtLast]

DC,

The reality of your past relationship is that it wasn't what you thought and hoped.  You had this amazing experience and you doubt that it can happen again with someone else.  Please let me reassure you, even as I sit alone in a Starbucks and feeling the depression settle in, I know that I will find someone who can help me create the best of what I desire.  

And I know you can too!   The key is to live that kind of life for yourself.  The man will come into it, attracted by your full and dramatic life because he is sane and wants more of it and you and you will have that kiss, that moment and the life that you dream.  I assure you of this!

Your email from him wasn't from someone who couldn't appreciate your true desires.  To me it screams player and manipulator.   It almost seems unreal and contrived!  The sexual reference is even juvenile to me.  It must be evaluated this way because he is not with you now.  Therefore, it was a manipulation!   Do you see this?  

Frankly, I'd wager this quote or similar has been used before on other women.  And likely your replacement.  You can do better my dear!  And YOU WILL!

Breathe!  Bear the pain!  Use your anger to create a real life!   Accept what must be accepted and thrive!

All my best,

D

Just out of curiosity as I'd thought this both during our first fu%k and several times after, did you notice that the entire experience seemed as if we had done this before?

I'm not trying to produce a terrible cliche here, yet did it not seem as if the entire experience were akin to the meeting of old lovers... .as if... .we had already met many times in the past, perhaps years ago and that this "first kiss" was as familiar as our own bodies?