Who else here isn't ready?

[Octoberfest]

Ready to move on and be in a new and healthy relationship, that is.

It has been 7 months since I left my BPDex after finding her cheating again, and 5 since I blocked her number and went NC.  I have found 1 girl I thought I really liked since, but it didnt work out.  I finally slept with someone else a month ago.

I find myself feeling that I am nowhere near ready for a healthy relationship... .A huge part of me wants to jump into one, to "be saved" and to bury the pain, but deep down I feel like being in any relationship would still be asking for failure at this point. I haven't figured "me" out yet... .anyone else?

[necchi]

I feel good lately 6m n/c but not near going on anew relationship. I'm happy though that this is my own desires and not needs that has to be fulfilled because I'm lonely,need sex... .im just in the now and still broken, so what good i could bring in a new R/S ?

[MrFox]

After my exBPDgf and I broke up I really started looking at myself and the patterns in my life that led to this place.  I made a vow not to be in a relationship for at least one year.  I would rather deal with the demons inside me then to get into another relationship with an unhealthy person.  Since I'm not healthy mentally myself I feel I would just pull in more of the same.  Right now I'm focusing on me and getting myself better.  It wouldn't be fair to bring someone else into my life because I wouldn't be able to focus the energy needed for a loving, healthy relationship.

[Changingman]

Coming up 5 months I find I'm starting to enjoy being single. Having time again to do stuff for me. They take up all your time with childish petulant nonsence. She was starting to really bore me with the same old same old.

Women are coming at me fast again, like they can sense the seriousness in me. I'm making hard decisions regarding women, I can now feel the conection between me and broken women.

Not interested anymore really. Connecting with my kids again in a much deeper way. I'm seeing my past clearly now, feeling my strength come back. Cried yesterday for first time, but not for her, for the rush of genuine feelings filling me again. It was beautiful.

I realise she kept me busy so i didnt notice the fake/shallow nature of the feelings I had for her. Just a dance.

My character is being tested, I like it.

[Ironmanrises]

I posted on the Dating board about this really beautiful associate that works under me(I am one of the managers at my job) that has been gazing at me, giving me that look, so to speak. I can't even look into her eyes when she speaks to me. After the fallout of having endured 2 rounds of dealing with my Morena/Medusa exUBPDgf, the Janus-faced entity, I don't even have the energy to try and talk to that amazingly gorgeous woman at my job. I am at 5 months of NC, and the scars that have been carved within me, I fear are permanent. I am not ready.

[Learning_curve74]

I'm obviously NOT ready because I've been trying to make it work again with my exBPDgf. Which leads me to wonder what I am doing on Leaving instead of one of the other boards. Just feel comfy here, I guess?

I was having a session with my T, and he was leading the session in a certain direction for a while before I mentioned that I saw the ex, we talked, and I wanted to try again. I could see his face changed, and the session got a lot more serious after that. I thought he would be disappointed, and told him that I felt stupid, but he said I'm not stupid and it's my right to try whatever I want. It's my journey and I'm in charge of my BS. 

I do know that I've learned and have grown as a person, and that is a gift that I will always be grateful to have from my pwBPD. It has to be different this time around, even if perhaps the end of the story turns out the same. That's an unknown at the moment, so I'm just going with it.

[RecycledNoMore]

I cant

I feel sick

Will this ever get better?

He gets to move on

Im stuck

I feel sick

[KE151]

Will this ever get better?

He gets to move on

Im stuck

Hi,

don't worry about being stuck or him "moving on". It's not moving on when he's in a perpetual chaos of emotional ups and downs. You'll get better and your pain will go away, eventually.

[damage control]

There is a guy at work who I flirt with and enjoy a bit of sexual tension with but ... he is 'safe' ... he is too young and he is in a RS ... so, I think I chose him as a safe outlet ... .the real thing? ... .i feel the choice isn't mine - chances of finding someone that i like are remote at best ...

[Mutt]

 A few months ago I was resolute in my thinking and thought that I would take a couple of years off from r/s' but I've since changed my mind. I've become a lot more comfortable with living alone again. I've become interested in women again but my kids are a little more important to me. I'm not putting in serious effort. I feel pickier and a higher standard this time around. I've worked hard and feel better than I have in years. I guess I'm not too worried about it at the moment. I'm confident things will work out and I'll find someone. I'm interested in what the next venture is 

[Cardinals in Flight]

It's going to take quite a while to feel "normal" again.  I was happy and bubbly, I have written words (mine) to prove it too.  I've been on a down-hill ride of negativity and pain for almost three years and am seeing where, and how I participated.  Painful stuff too.

But, the good news is (she/me) is still in there, and working her way back to the surface.   Finding and acknowledging my anger is a very good thing.

No relationships though, not for a long time.

CiF

[LilMissSunshine]

There is nothing I want more than to be in a relationship with a great guy.  But I'm not ready at all.  I'm not even at the point of knowing when I think I may be ready.  I've had the opportunity but couldn't follow through.  I think as I heal and find myself again, my life will come together and I'll meet the man who was truly meant for me.  But I'm not going to give myself a timeline or plan it.

[Nearlybroken]

I am at the stage where I cannot envisage ever being in a relationship again.For various reasons:

* The love I had for my ex (well the false version of him) hasnt gone away.

*I no longer trust my judgement.

*I just could not go through what I went through with him.

* I feel "safer" on my own.

At this stage I have no desire to become intimate with anyone.The thought actually makes me feel a bit ill.In fact,I have lost all sexual drive full stop.

I have had attention from men but I find myself running for the hills as soon as I realise they may be interested.This is a shame as they are nice men... .but so was my ex.Initially. NB.x

[KE151]

I'm not ready either, I think.

How can you tell you're not ready... .unless you try at some point?

I think my fears about getting hurt again are still holding me back, they are protecting me as a matter of fact. But I feel the need for female affection and good company getting stronger, slowly but clearly. I guess there will be a tipping point where my fears are outweighed by the need for another human being. And I'll know it when the right type of person is there. That's the time when I'll have a go and test... .myself.

[Jbt857]

Split with my BPDexh of 10 years at the end of February, he moved out April. Most of our divorce sorted by October (we have a 2-step process here in England). Just waiting for the last paperwork to come back from the courts - it's been processed.

Until the last month I've actively avoided even talking to the opposite sex, using what GoldyLamont brilliantly described in another thread as the 'spilling wine down myself' technique - ( eg - actively referring to the ex frequently to put off the other).

A male friend expressed interest in me a few weeks ago and I panicked. He's a great guy, really thoughtful and kind, smart and incredibly sane and stable, but I don't have any physical attraction to him. I left things as friends. I have found myself wondering if I would have dated him if I had found him attractive. I possibly would. Even as recently as a month ago, I couldn't  have contemplated it, so things are changing for me in regards to being ready. That's not to say I could actually go that far with someone, or wouldn't chicken out after a few dates - the thought of being intimate with someone new still freaks me out, but it's a closer possibility than it ever has been since the split.

[necchi]

Damage,... .

Just wanted to touch base with you... .

It is realy soothing, make you feel more alive, it basically drugs you!

though you know that is dangerous!

My two cents, none of my business.  Of course this is far from being judgemental

xx

[Tincanmike]

I truly want someone to fill the void. But this was my first and only relationship and what a first experience it was for me! It has left it's scars.  I had a hard enough time approaching women before I met her. But on the good side I think she helped instill some confidence in me over the years we were together.  I'm just trying to get over her, get some of my self-esteem back and work on this anxiety and depression (thanks medications and therapist).  I crave a more "normal" relationship. I have a lot to offer I know. But I still feel like I'm wearing a scarlet letter of sorts.  Since our breakup I have moved to a new city and lost touch with a lot of our mutual friends.  So I am starting over in so many ways.  I'm not truly ready yet.  Time will tell.

[Turkish]

I  honestly don't think I'll have time.  maybe that's an excuse,  or maybe I  will have to be  patent and a half due to her detachment.  she's even going to start a  volunteer project with disabled kids.  how about focusing on the kids?  that's right,  she has me to take up the slack. I  can't believe I still toss around the idea of reconciling after what she had done and continues to do. I  shouldn't even be posting in this thread.  who am I fooling? I  think about it too,  finding a decent woman... .  we'll see where things are in a year.  it will get worse for me before it gets better. Cue the lawyers... .

[Ironmanrises]

I  honestly don't think I'll have time.  maybe that's an excuse,  or maybe I  will have to be  patent and a half due to her detachment.  she's even going to start a  volunteer project with disabled kids.  how about focusing on the kids?  that's right,  she has me to take up the slack. I  can't believe I still toss around the idea of reconciling after what she had done and continues to do. I  shouldn't even be posting in this thread.  who am I fooling? I  think about it too,  finding a decent woman... .  we'll see where things are in a year.  it will get worse for me before it gets better. Cue the lawyers... .

A perfect facade where it makes her look like a model citizen to other enablers/douchebags to disguise the fact that she cannot even focus on your kids. A sad and horrifying reality of the contradictory thought patterns that swirl around in her mind. Hang in there friend.   

[Mutt]

I  honestly don't think I'll have time.  maybe that's an excuse,  or maybe I  will have to be  patent and a half due to her detachment.  she's even going to start a  volunteer project with disabled kids.  how about focusing on the kids?  that's right,  she has me to take up the slack. I  can't believe I still toss around the idea of reconciling after what she had done and continues to do. I  shouldn't even be posting in this thread.  who am I fooling? I  think about it too,  finding a decent woman... . we'll see where things are in a year.  it will get worse for me before it gets better. Cue the lawyers... .

My ex tells me she has the kids 90% of the time and I have them 10% of the time. She gives 0% attention in that time and I give 100% attention on them.

I take that back, she does give 100% attention... .on the replacement. 

She puts them on so many people as to not have to do it herself, then gets sympathy because she's a single mom with 4 kids. The pretext to that is that she had an affair, can't cope in a relationship, distorted the truth to her sycophants and anyone that would listen and took off with replacement. I don't have sympathy for her.

It does get a lot worse before it gets better Turkish. I never fathomed how difficult divorce was going to be. Sometimes the hardest things in life give you the best results.

[Turkish]

I  honestly don't think I'll have time.  maybe that's an excuse,  or maybe I  will have to be  patent and a half due to her detachment.  she's even going to start a  volunteer project with disabled kids.  how about focusing on the kids?  that's right,  she has me to take up the slack. I  can't believe I still toss around the idea of reconciling after what she had done and continues to do. I  shouldn't even be posting in this thread.  who am I fooling? I  think about it too,  finding a decent woman... . we'll see where things are in a year.  it will get worse for me before it gets better. Cue the lawyers... .

My ex tells me she has the kids 90% of the time and I have them 10% of the time. She gives 0% attention in that time and I give 100% attention on them.

I take that back, she does give 100% attention... .on the replacement. 

She puts them on so many people as to not have to do it herself, then gets sympathy because she's a single mom with 4 kids. The pretext to that is that she had an affair, can't cope in a relationship, distorted the truth to her sycophants and anyone that would listen and took off with replacement. I don't have sympathy for her.

It does get a lot worse before it gets better Turkish. I never fathomed how difficult divorce was going to be. Sometimes the hardest things in life give you the best results.

I guess I am lucky she is not going to fight for more than 50/50... .I am of half a mind to fight for more, but she has to keep up the facade for everyone else, and she would fight back. No one would understand (not that I really care... .I have so much dirt I could release it isn't even funny, but I'm not going to stoop there). And at their age, they do need to interact with her.

Sorry for the thread hijack.

[Mutt]

I guess I am lucky she is not going to fight for more than 50/50... .I am of half a mind to fight for more, but she has to keep up the facade for everyone else, and she would fight back. No one would understand (not that I really care... .I have so much dirt I could release it isn't even funny, but I'm not going to stoop there). And at their age, they do need to interact with her.

Sorry for the thread hijack.

I thought the same thing too.

It's funny that you mention that. The other day I was going through some e-mails for my laywer. March 2012 shortly after we had separated and I was back at home there were emails were she was aggressive and wanted me out of the house and I refused. Knowing from what she told me afterwards this was when she had met the replacement. She was hellbent and I didn't cave. Anyways. She had told me she would do 50/50. No child support as long as we both supported the kids with clothes, school, extra curricular activities etc... .

January 2013 the night she didn't come home and slept over at the replacement I get the same email, she said that she simply just couldn't leave the kids and said the same spiel.

6 days after she left. I get another email. "Mutt you can't see the kids before we get something settled in court for custody and access" Another email roughly 2 weeks to a month after that in the same context. "Mutt you can't see the kids until something is sorted out in court"

A little pretext to that, she had gotten me to max my credit and any money that I could borrow. She knew what she was doing. She put me at a financial disadvantage so that I could not come after her in her new life.

She refused to do a legal separation agreement or mediation. I was stuck and didn't have the retainer for a lawyer  :'(

I don't know what your situation is like, I can only speak from my experience. I believed everything that the ex said and I believed her when it came to custody and access. I even believed her when I confronted her and asked her if there was someone else in the picture. She tried to tell me what I wanted to hear so I go out of the way and moved out, for the replacement. She said the same thing out of feelings of guilt and shame after having slept with him.

As Elmer Fudd likes to say “BE VE-WW-WY, VE-WW-WY CAREFUL"

It's a major pain in the @ss to try to get any extra time with the kids because of the control/conflict that she creates.

[Turkish]

I guess I am lucky she is not going to fight for more than 50/50... .I am of half a mind to fight for more, but she has to keep up the facade for everyone else, and she would fight back. No one would understand (not that I really care... .I have so much dirt I could release it isn't even funny, but I'm not going to stoop there). And at their age, they do need to interact with her.

Sorry for the thread hijack.

I thought the same thing too.

It's funny that you mention that. The other day I was going through some e-mails for my laywer. March 2012 shortly after we had separated and I was back at home there were emails were she was aggressive and wanted me out of the house and I refused. Knowing from what she told me afterwards this was when she had met the replacement. She was hellbent and I didn't cave. Anyways. She had told me she would do 50/50. No child support as long as we both supported the kids with clothes, school, extra curricular activities etc... .

January 2013 the night she didn't come home and slept over at the replacement I get the same email, she said that she simply just couldn't leave the kids and said the same spiel.

6 days after she left. I get another email. "Mutt you can't see the kids before we get something settled in court for custody and access" Another email roughly 2 weeks to a month after that in the same context. "Mutt you can't see the kids until something is sorted out in court"

A little pretext to that, she had gotten me to max my credit and any money that I could borrow. She knew what she was doing. She put me at a financial disadvantage so that I could not come after her in her new life.

She refused to do a legal separation agreement or mediation. I was stuck and didn't have the retainer for a lawyer  :'(

I don't know what your situation is like, I can only speak from my experience. I believed everything that the ex said and I believed her when it came to customer and access. She said what I wanted to hear to get me to leave my house so that I was out of the way for the replacement. She said what I wanted to say because I can only guess she was feeling shame and guilt after having sex with him.

As Elmer Fudd likes to say “BE VE-WW-WY, VE-WW-WY CAREFUL"

It's a major pain in the @ss to try to get any extra time with the kids because of the control/conflict that she creates.

I want mine too leave the house.  She won't,  but toned down her behaviors.  She really doesn't want the kids more because she can't handle them consistently,  based upon a year's long pattern,  and the fact she will become more unstable when she leaves ( which she knows).  she's weaseling a few k  of seed money out of me,  but didn't want anything filed officially. I  think this opens me up to be abused later,  even if she isn't now,  unlike yours. I  won't leave my house ( we're not married,  it's mine).  applying for housing assistance,  but I  am afraid the government might come after me later,  and everything I  give her,  documented or not,  might be considered gifts,  but support. I  can afford a  lawyer for now,  despite her financial sabotage this summer,  but barely.  She is being completely childish about the realities of this Ann's wants to do everything  under the table... .  there is s cultural component to this as well,  but that isn't my culture,  nor is it mature. I  document her behaviors.  I'll probably start posting to the law board again  for guidance... .

[redkong]

I am actually really sad (really sad) about this right now.  I was only with my exBPDgf for a few months and I got out fairly early.  Now I recently met a new woman where I see great potential. I'm not one to rush things, but it feels like a good match.  However, I'm still traumatized from my experience with BPDex.  I find myself analyzing everything she's doing, everything I'm doing, etc.  I WANT to be ready, just to explore things with the new woman in a healthy way - see what happens.  I'm just still so stuck in the mental muck from everything with my ex.  I'm afraid I'll ruin things with the new woman, or that I'll miss a great opportunity for something potentially special.

I'm starting therapy tomorrow.  I want to move past this, as it has already cost me enough.

[Octoberfest]

Turkish and Mutt: No need to apologize for thread hijacking.  I can't count the number of times I have posted about my own situation or problems in anothers' thread- one of the best parts of this board is, after all, relating to others who know the pain and the feelings that we go through. 

I'm not ready either, I think.

How can you tell you're not ready... .unless you try at some point?

I think my fears about getting hurt again are still holding me back, they are protecting me as a matter of fact. But I feel the need for female affection and good company getting stronger, slowly but clearly. I guess there will be a tipping point where my fears are outweighed by the need for another human being. And I'll know it when the right type of person is there. That's the time when I'll have a go and test... .myself.

I feel much the same way.  I think I need to be conscious about whether my "not being ready" is due to me truly not knowing who I am/being in a place to have a healthy relationship or if my fears are simply psyching me out and making me believe I am not ready.

[Turkish]

I feel much the same way.  I think I need to be conscious about whether my "not being ready" is due to me truly not knowing who I am/being in a place to have a healthy relationship or if my fears are simply psyching me out and making me believe I am not ready.

Oh man, I got a good, more than friendly hug by a waif at work today whom I had the choice of hanging out or possibly dating just before I got involved with my BPDx 6 years ago. I ran into her and had a brief update on my situation. She was at the end of a divorce 6 years ago, and while technically separated from her H, it didn't seem like a good thing to involve myself in. She is, of course, hot, waifishly seductive (though not vampish), and the typical woman in pain I've previously "connected" with rather easily. I congratulated myself at the time for seeing and avoiding the dysfunction, however tempting. Then I jumped into one with a much younger woman, my X!

Good thing I sense the one at work in a r/s with someone... .or I'd probably be toast. She may not be, or may have slightly hurt feelings for my subtly rejecting her 6 years ago. Whatever.

I feel so stupid. Like choosing the quick and easy path, the Dark Side again!

[santa]

I'm definitely not ready.

[Bananas]

9 months out and I'm not ready.  The thought of dating disgusts me.  And I am so hyper-vigilant right now, I have a hard time trusting people.  And I am not emotionally stable. 

But I am actually OK with that for now.  Dating is much scarier than being alone.     

[Supernova9star]

Not ready. When I met my ex 8 years ago I believed in true love and soul mates. I thought love had an amazing power to overcome anything. I believed love was the only real experience on this planet and all else was just an illusion of the mind based upon the ego. But now I know that love is a term used loosely and there are people out there who are emotional vampires and have BPD.

My ex abused me, lied to me, and drained me for 8 years. I am terrified at the thought of letting myself get close to anyone ever again. Like others have said, it makes me feel ill to think about it. What makes it worse is knowing my ex is already seeking someone else after his rebound didn't work out. I feel like I didn't even exist in his mind. To know I wholeheartedly fell for his act makes me think I'm not safe trusting my heart or judgement of character and I should just be alone. In fact it makes me think I'm the one with the problem and he is just moving on like most people do.

I walk around feeling like my soul is bleeding. That is the only way I know to describe it. I start to cry at the worst times and feel very exposed in public, like everyone is watching me. I'm afraid someone is going to sneak up behind me and hurt me. I have random paranoid anxious thoughts that certain people are plotting against me. I feel like I'm losing it. I NEVER used to be like this. I was the girl who everyone thought was sweet and fun and lively. I got attention from men and I could be flirtatious. Now I'm just distant and cold. My heart is broken.

I'm not ready. And I dont think I ever will be. Meanwhile he is out there living it up and "enjoying his freedom" and trying "to find someone just like you without all the fighting and problems" . all those years I didn't want to give up because I thought love could conquer all. I loved him harder and deeper than I've ever loved before. Considering what that got me in return I don't think I deserve to be loved. I obviously wasn't good enough for him to love me. I'm so sad and I feel really ill.