I so want to tell her the truth but..

[samthewiss]

I so want to meet my exwife with BPD and tell her that i still love her. That she  has a beautiful side that i feel in love with and she needs help to understand that her mind betrays her, that she unwittingly hurts the ones closest to her and she does not need to live this way.

BUT

I cannot, it won't help.

I just have to accept that she cannot / will not heal.

Any healing needs to come from deep inside of her and that is not a place she wants to go.

I have to accept that my desire to "show her the light" is my issue i need to work on.

So, i remain no contact and feel pain.

I have to admit that with each day it hurts a bit less. BUT IT STILL HURTS.

[santa]

There's nothing you can do, man. Don't be a martyr. I too would like to help my ex, but I know it'll only wind up blowing up in my face.

[Learning_curve74]

That's the hardest part for me: to love somebody who I feel powerless to help.

[LilMissSunshine]

Forget it.  It won't work.  Tried that with my uexBPDbf.  Offered to be his support - unconditional.  Reiterated how much I loved him; that he was worth it to me.  Offered to educate myself more on his illness; to learn how not to trigger him and deal with his insecurities.  Whatever it took, I would do it WITH HIM, under the supervision of an expert.

Haven't heard from him since.

[Johan]

Forget it.  It won't work.  Tried that with my uexBPDbf.  Offered to be his support - unconditional.  Reiterated how much I loved him; that he was worth it to me.  Offered to educate myself more on his illness; to learn how not to trigger him and deal with his insecurities.  Whatever it took, I would do it WITH HIM, under the supervision of an expert.

Haven't heard from him since.

I did this offer too... but was told I need therapy... she was right... after the relationship, I do.

[ShadowDancer]

The hard lesson I learned on this subject of PD and letting go of the rescuing was,

If you love someone and you let them go and after a time they come back... .that just means no one else wanted them.

[Pearl55]

Hi samthewiss

I'm very sorry but I was thinking the same way you do. There is no beautiful side to a borderline. Good and genuine people don't abuse others or people who claim to love. We all fell in love with their fake personalities. The person we loved and still love, doesn't EXCIST. I know is really hurting but only think about what she did to you to hurt you.

It has been proved to me that they are in total control of what they doing and often enjoy it.

[RecycledNoMore]

Hay sam

I totally hear you, you know all the facts, but in the end they dont matter because its just futile.

And along with all of that, you feel powerless to help them, and IT HURTs LIKE HELL.

[Changingman]

The hard lesson I learned on this subject of PD and letting go of the rescuing was,

If you love someone and you let them go and after a time they come back... .that just means no one else wanted them.

Yes,

I have to agree with every pwBPD and their issues,

they will be abandoned, because they have earned it.

They come back to see if there is any traction then

go I there isn't, if there is traction they leave as well... .

Or not... .or do... .not... .push... .pull

I am not being... .fill in the blank

Don't leave me

I hate you in the whole world.

Xxxx love from BPD

Love

[Pearl55]

Haha, but I always heard if you love someone and let them go, he will be back because he will notice what he LOST.

[Pearl55]

When I dropped my son's Christmas presents tonight, I've been invited to have dinner with my ex and son. Lovely dinner and candles. Probably is not going well with my replacement. I feel sick of him.

[necchi]

Haha, but I always heard if you love someone and let them go, he will be back because he will notice what he LOST


This is one time use for a BPD. Next recycle they know they can't say " this time i Really,Really realized!"

[TakingWingAtLast]

LearningCurve,

I second this thought!   A part of me wants to "solve" the problem now that I have a good handle on it!  I still wonder how three different therapists completely missed what was really going on!

D

That's the hardest part for me: to love somebody who I feel powerless to help.

[DragoN]

If you love someone and you let them go and after a time they come back... .that just means no one else wanted them. :rolleyes:  

Haha, but I always heard if you love someone and let them go, he will be back because he will notice what he LOST


This is one time use for a BPD. Next recycle they know they can't say " this time i Really,Really realized!"

Yep, fly little birdie. God Speed. Get therapy and all that.

[free-n-clear]

I just have to accept that she cannot / will not heal.

Any healing needs to come from deep inside of her and that is not a place she wants to go.

I have to accept that my desire to "show her the light" is my issue i need to work on.

   Sam, I feel your pain, man. As much as I'm relieved that I finally ended the relationship, and as much as I don't spend nearly as much time ruminating anymore, I've gotta admit, I still care about her, and if I thought it possible to help her change, I would try.

   But it is not possible. You can't help someone who can't / won't / doesn't even want to help themselves. So as much as the FOG might play with our minds, we need to move on with our lives. That's obviously easier to do if you go no contact.

   I still have occasional social contact with my uBPDxgf, because we have many mutual friends. Don't see why I should avoid other friends just to avoid running in to her, and wouldn't expect her to either. I just have to accept that if, for example, she's drinking too much, it's not my place to try to slow her down. I'm not her boyfriend anymore. 

[arn131arn]

God, this scares the SHEEEEET out of me.  I am VERY angry but if she came up to me tomorrow and said, "Arn, I have BPD, I am going to seek help from a trained psychiatrist, that invented Dialectal Behvavioral Therapy, everyday of the week for the rest of my life, I would instantly tell her I loved her and sail off into the funny farm sunset with her.

I had so much anxiety today, just thinking she was meeting with my mom tomorrow. 

I read yesterday, we may have some type of syndrome. That they had a bank robbery and these hostages were taken and they defended the bank robbers when they got out.

Sick SH$T... .it really is.  I cannot believe I even got myself into this... .I KNOW I am smarter than that... .I feel so ashamed

[Aussie0zborn]

Arn, there is no need to feel ashamed. You just need to understand BPD.

There is no helping them. How many people here have had their pwBPD agree to therapy for BPD and succeeded? Hands up, people.  No, I don't see any hands.

In the case of my stbx uBPDwife, being high functioning she never once came close to admitting anything was her fault. Even when I caught her red handed with her hand in my money jar (she stole my cheque book [US: check book]), even when I printed out and showed her her Facebook chats with a guy she was flirting with, etc etc. it was NEVER her fault.

How can you help someone that doesn't admit to having a problem? I don't believe it works. They were that way before your came along and they will always be like that so unless you broke it, it's not your responsibility to fix it.

[TakingWingAtLast]

Sick SH$T... .it really is.  I cannot believe I even got myself into this... .I KNOW I am smarter than that... .I feel so ashamed

Arn,

I have a Ph.D. in a hard science.   I even have a working knowledge of the brain.   And I got myself into this for 8 years.  Believe me when I tell you, you have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of.

It's likely that your natural characteristics to trust, to be protective of those you care for, and to commit to relationships was taken advantage of by the pwBPD.   Those are wonderful characteristics!   Those are human interpersonal skills.   They are valuable and worthy.  

And the pwBPD is highly skilled to take advantage of those characteristics.  

Grieve as you must.  Be angry as you must.  :)eny, bargain as you will to move to acceptance.  But do not own ashamed.  Let that one go!

AussieOz, I totally hear you about the cheque book.

My expwBPDgf stole $24,000 from me because I trusted her by paying an extra $1000/month for two  years when I moved in so that her pot of money could grow instead of go down.  We had a financial analyst do projections singly and jointly.  Her projection singly was that she would have no money after 17 years, I would have $2 million, but jointly we would have $6 million.  So, I paid the money without an agreement.   After two years, a close friend told me I was being an idiot for not having a written agreement.   I stopped paying the extra money then when she wouldn't sign the agreement stating, "We never had an agreement!"  

So, Arn, I'm not ashamed that I trusted her.  That's a good thing to be given to the right people.  I'm *&$)%(*^ angry that I was taken advantage of because I trust people.  

Never again!

Yours in understanding,

D

[Pearl55]

Aussie

My husband is a psychiatrist and graduated from one of the most famous universities. He is a musician,sporty very charismatic, sociable and I know since he was a teenager tried really hard to solve his issues but unfortunately there is no cure for BPD.

I've been lied to, steal from and cheated on many and ... .

He is one if the most cruel man and master of GAMES. The more intelligent ones the more dangerous to our mental health. Sometimes I even can't breath when I think what he's done to me and how insane he is. 

[TakingWingAtLast]

Aussie

My husband is a psychiatrist and graduated from one of the most famous universities. He is a musician,sporty very charismatic, sociable and I know since he was a teenager tried really hard to solve his issues but unfortunately there is no cure for BPD.

I've been lied to, steal from and cheated on many and ... .

He is one if the most cruel man and master of GAMES. The more intelligent ones the more dangerous to our mental health. Sometimes I even can't breath when I think what he's done to me and how insane he is. 

Pearl,

I hear what you say about the intelligent ones.  They are more skillful at hiding the BPD from themselves and therefore everyone else.  They are better at deceit and manipulation. 

I too have been lied and stolen from.  I empathize with you completely.  But it doesn't change a thing in the end.  They are mentally ill!  Somehow have to accept and forgive that they too in their time were abused and/or neglected.   Who knows how many generations this has gone back to?

With much understanding,

D

[necchi]

Arm, what you're referring to is called the Stockholm syndrome, were an hostage would begin to feel empathetic towards is abductor /s

[dontknow2]

I'm very sorry but I was thinking the same way you do. There is no beautiful side to a borderline. Good and genuine people don't abuse others or people who claim to love. We all fell in love with their fake personalities. The person we loved and still love, doesn't EXCIST. I know is really hurting but only think about what she did to you to hurt you.

It has been proved to me that they are in total control of what they doing and often enjoy it.

Early in our relationship, my dBPDxh told me it was OK for him to cheat but not me; saying he enjoyed cheating with girls who had partners because it gave him a sense of control and was proud of wearing our wedding ring during the sex. So, there is good reason to think he is in total control and enjoyed it as you did.

After years of my own therapy, I now see this as his defense mechanism. He created a new reality to handle his uncontrollable impulses, unlovability, etc... On top of that, he was actually very sorrowful for what he did but couldn't handle the shame and guilt. Therefore, he had to believe and communicate the opposite. After uncovering my false identity suppressed emotions to survive (benign in comparison), I understand how it is done now.

I also think a part of him was protecting me by being so blatantly abusive/rejecting; his only way of saying "stay away from me because you'll get hurt" without shattering his false reality by admitting the truth.

Unlike how his parents were able to do, he was also looking for one who could see through his false reality and love him. This is some complex stuff... .geez  

The whole thing is sad really.

After 20 years of recycling mostly living apart and exhaustion, we/he/I got much better but still didn't make it in the end... .ugh.

[samthewiss]

Update:

Thursday Night, I took my 15 year old daughter to dinner. The restaurant is around the corner of my exBPD wife.

As i was entering the restaurant i saw her 13 year old son outside wearing shorts (It is 20 degrees here in New York).

He was freezing but did not seem to care. I wondered where his mom was. I remember that she was not just cruel to me and my two kids, she did not care much for her kids too. (She has a record with child services for child neglect).

 

While eating, I saw my EXwife with BPD getting into a fancy car with a handsome guy all dressed up going on a date.

It hurt.

I called my therapist, he told me the pain i feel is normal. I feel the pain of rejection.

He told me that she rejects anyone that gets close. He told me that she did me a great favor to divorce me.

I trust my therapist, my family, and friends that all saw her for what she is. I understand that i was blind.

It hurts less.

[Pearl55]

Sam

Don't get hurt because she doesn't worth it. She never had a FEELING of a wife for you and she will never be able to have this feeling for anybody else. Be so thankful for not having her in your life. Probably she saw you very smart or felt you might leave her in her imagination that's why she abandond you before you leave her.  You are very lucky.

[Bulgakov]

This may be a no-brainer for many of you. In my study of psychology, I have learned that personality disorders are very often co-morbid with other disorders. We all know this. However, since PD is dimensional, not characteristic, many traits from different PD's can exist in the same person. I'm afraid I see anti-social/psychopathic traits in many of our stories. This is scary because a defining trait of psychopathy is "no empathy or feelings of remorse." Yes, psychopaths are very often CEO's, politicians, very good at whatever they do. There may be some NPD traits in relation to those positions as well. But think about it for a second. Can you imagine dealing with someone as erratic as a pwBPD, but with mixed traits of psychopathy and narcissism? Terrifying. The comment about control made me think about this.

I really wish my uBPDgf's friends could see the real her. They are indirectly supporting her emotional lynching of those around her. If that would not bother them, finding that out, then they have issues themselves. I'm getting texts from her friends saying I need to step my game up. I was seconds away from forwarding her all the text messages from my gf. I'm digressing from my original comment so I will stop there. No intention of jacking this thread.

[Bulgakov]

However, since PD is dimensional, not characteristic*, many traits from different PD's can exist in the same person.

I meant *categorical, not characteristic.

[necchi]

This may be a no-brainer for many of you. In my study of psychology, I have learned that personality disorders are very often co-morbid with other disorders. We all know this. However, since PD is dimensional, not characteristic, many traits from different PD's can exist in the same person. I'm afraid I see anti-social/psychopathic traits in many of our stories. This is scary because a defining trait of psychopathy is "no empathy or feelings of remorse." Yes, psychopaths are very often CEO's, politicians, very good at whatever they do. There may be some NPD traits in relation to those positions as well. But think about it for a second. Can you imagine dealing with someone as erratic as a pwBPD, but with mixed traits of psychopathy and narcissism? Terrifying. The comment about control made me think about this.

I really wish my uBPDgf's friends could see the real her. They are indirectly supporting her emotional lynching of those around her. If that would not bother them, finding that out, then they have issues themselves. I'm getting texts from her friends saying I need to step my game up. I was seconds away from forwarding her all the text messages from my gf. I'm digressing from my original comment so I will stop there. No intention of jacking this thread.

well , You dont have to add in aspd for a pwBPD to show no remorse,empathy.

PwBPD don't recognize guilt like we do, were aspn get positive feeling out of guilt.

[Bulgakov]

That is a good point to make. I don't mean to generalize too much. Mine does happen to take pride in the fact that she can destroy someone. "She is not to be played with." But, "she is a people person." Makes me sick to my stomach. I feel like all her friends, including myself, are just playing Russian roulette. I don't think they know that as much as I do, but they actually get time away from her. Holidays will be another sh1tshow for sure.

They belittle and control us, while getting their rocks off whenever and with whomever they wish. the push pull / intermittent reinforcement is so closely related to torture techniques. It reminds me of a movie I saw (a comedy) where one of the characters has a captive. He keeps slapping the captive man and then hugging him. Funny in this context, but so much more true than many think. There are people out their who almost would not believe any of this. I envy them so much. They are the ones that have the ability to make positive changes in this world, their psyches not having been obliterated by demons in disguise.

They say they love us, but they use our need for real love to put us down... .everything is our fault, but many times we want to make it better, to be normal, and they won't let it happen, all the while making us believe everything is our fault.