BPD/Apologies

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

I’m sure this topic has been discussed before.  We all know our X’s will never acknowledge or apologize for their behavior, at least with sincerity. 

My question is, why do they adamantly insist you apologize for every single thing?  Mine did that incessantly.   He would actually “rage” about it.  Finally, I just started to respond by saying, “I will never apologize for reacting to your poor or abusive behavior.  However, I am sorry for being your enabler and/or triggering you.  I am doing my best to educate myself and learn how not to do that”.    Of course, that would then trigger him.  Ooops.

Don’t get me wrong, I know I am far from perfect…and that’s normal.  I know when I’ve done something I need to apologize for and I have no problem asking for forgiveness.

Do you think they are really raging at their past?  My X would go nuts about this; screaming, blood curdling rages.  Just out of blue sometimes.  I started to get the feeling it was perhaps his parents, former spouse, or the “whole world” he was really insisting on an apology from?

[LilMissSunshine]

I’m sure this topic has been discussed before.  We all know our X’s will never acknowledge or apologize for their behavior, at least with sincerity. 

My question is, why do they adamantly insist you apologize for every single thing?  Mine did that incessantly.   He would actually “rage” about it.  Finally, I just started to respond by saying, “I will never apologize for reacting to your poor or abusive behavior.  However, I am sorry for being your enabler and/or triggering you.  I am doing my best to educate myself and learn how not to do that”.    Of course, that would then trigger him.  Ooops.

Don’t get me wrong, I know I am far from perfect…and that’s normal.  I know when I’ve done something I need to apologize for and I have no problem asking for forgiveness.

Do you think they are really raging at their past?  My X would go nuts about this; screaming, blood curdling rages.  Just out of blue sometimes.  I started to get the feeling it was perhaps his parents, former spouse, or the “whole world” he was really insisting on an apology from?

[Moonie75]

I firmly believe they get worse with each relationship. Each emotional 'rip off' they execute on some poor unsuspecting soul increases the shame they cannot face within the BPD. In turn the traits ramp up. The levels of rage, demands, unrealistic expectations & general 'acting out' go upwards & upwards.

We had it worse than the last partner & the next will have it worse than us!

[Tricky]

If you're correct, Moonie75, then my replacement is sure in for one hell of a ride! Poor ba$tard.

Maybe you're right, Breslin. My ex sure would have liked an apology from just about everyone who'd ever loved her. Apparently we are all selfish, immature, angry, unrealistic, unsupportive, spiteful, thoughtless, unable to stick to decisions, lazy, hurtful, blah blah ... .no wonder she wants an apology!

Maybe we should all project one at her!

[myself]

My question is, why do they adamantly insist you apologize for every single thing?

So they can say it was you, not them, who needed to apologize.

That way, to them, they haven't done anything wrong.

[jjclark]

^^^ Seconding what myself said.

[Surnia]

I agree with myself.

When my ex wanted me to apologize, my thoughts are often: He wants to be right.

And sometimes I felt like in a bad movie about childhood. Like he is acting out something in his youth, when he has to apologize about something he did. Or was it my trigger? Did I felt so bad bc I had the same situation too when I was child?

[Pretty Woman]

Mine would tell me she wasn't cheating on me because we were already broken up.  The thing is she was already cheating emotionally prior to dumping me. When she would come back it was "I miss you" or "I need you". 

It was never sorry for anything.  Ever. 

The best closure I got was from one of her exes that said my ex would pick nasty fights and this woman was always wrong.  Always. 

While my ex is undiagnosed (as far as I know) this at least let me know it wasn't me going crazy!

[Trick1004]

If you're correct, Moonie75, then my replacement is sure in for one hell of a ride! Poor ba$tard.

Maybe you're right, Breslin. My ex sure would have liked an apology from just about everyone who'd ever loved her. Apparently we are all selfish, immature, angry, unrealistic, unsupportive, spiteful, thoughtless, unable to stick to decisions, lazy, hurtful, blah blah ... .no wonder she wants an apology!

Maybe we should all project one at her!

The exact traits my ex exhibited, but would place on me.

[DragoN]

Same here. And if I was all that and then some, why did he stay? Who knows?

My question is, why do they adamantly insist you apologize for every single thing?  

To make the non "wrong" about whatever it was, which is quite possible and probable, we make mistakes as well. But the pwBPD takes everything so flipping personally that if you breathe the wrong way you are thinking some damn thing, and supposedly they just read your mind and you have to apologize for that.

I kid you not. That actually happened.

Then, if it was a real situation, and I was wrong, I apologized, but, the apology was not sufficient. Or I used the wrong words, or he would bring up the same damn thing from 4 years previous and demand another apology over the same bs. I'm talking dumb sh!t here too.

[hergestridge]

Actually, my BPD wife almost never expects me to say I'm sorry. She never says she's sorry either. When someone's said something hurtful she imagines it will be forgotten about in a day or two. That's how it works in her world.

"Are you still sulking just because I said I don't love you and I never had the other day?"

[LilMissSunshine]

Then, if it was a real situation, and I was wrong, I apologized, but, the apology was not sufficient. Or I used the wrong words, or he would bring up the same damn thing from 4 years previous and demand another apology over the same bs. I'm talking dumb sh.t here too.

Mine did the same exact thing too.  He'd actually get technical:  Remember when... .on June 3rd, 2008 at 2:00 pm you blah, blah blahed.  Huh?

[Lucky Jim]

Hey LittleMiss, Those w/BPD are as reluctant to accept an apology as they are to make an apology, in my view.  Either one would cause a crack in their black & white world, so it doesn't happen.  Lucky Jim

[LilMissSunshine]

Exactly LL.  I remember saying to him, "Gez for someone who constantly insists on apologies, why then do you never accept them?"  I think he replied with a hit_ or something.

[Tolou]

I have never once received a apology from my exBPDgf for anything she has said or done to me.  Money she has not returned, embarrassing me at my job, spreading false rumors about her being my victim at work etc... .I could go on, how can someone truely apologize if they do not see the fault or worng in their actions? that would require empathy! above all it requires taking accountability for your behaviors and actions and how they effect others.  It's hard to make these types of individuals take repsonsibility for their actions, that usually only comes with some form of therapy, even then apologizing is like admitting their "wrong" or they have "fault", it's just not likely.  When they do, it's empty, and mostly for self serving reasons not to validate they have hurt you... .I do not speak for all people with BPD, just the few I have encountered.

[letmeout]

Sadly, these posts made me chuckle. My ex expected apologies for things that happened in his own dreams! Sometimes he would wake up in a rage, or I would get the silent treatment for days because I did or said something he didn't like in a dream he had.

He accepted his dreams the same as reality. It was twilight zone strange.

[TwoCents]

My ex did the same many times, got mad or withdrew because of something involving me that happened in her dreams.  She would also read horoscopes and if she discovered anything that seemed less than good, she would anticipate that I would be the cause of it and get mad at me in advance.  Can't win for losing in that situation.

[free-n-clear]

   The nonBPD in the r/s finds themselves apologising all the time in an effort to defuse a rage. The pwBPD wouldn't know HOW to give a genuine apology.  My uBPDxgf was always apologising for meaningless little things that didn't need apologising for, e.g.; when she felt that she was talking too much, or that I might be getting bored with the line of conversation, but when it came to things that DID rate an apology, not a chance. At best, if confronted with evidence of wrong-doing, she'd say "I f#%ked up. I'm not perfect".

  Even her limited acknowledgements that she'd been caught out would extend only so far as she thought necessary, and provided proof that she thought she could still take advantage of my forgiving nature and play me for a fool. For example, a (then-)mate of mine got a guilty conscience and told me that she had been to his place for sex on several occasions, including the Friday night before his admission, when I had been working interstate. When I confronted her with evidence, including things she had said to him on that night, (without mentioning that I knew there had been several earlier occasions), she admitted to that night only in her usual manner (see end of 1st paragraph) then between lots of tears and self-pitying statements like "you must really hate me now", promised that it wouldn't happen again.

  I never bothered letting her know I knew about the other occasions. She'd used up all her one more chances, so I just ended it. She's still screwing him. As far as I'm concerned, they deserve each other.