Does my ex have BPD?

[hybridax]

She broke up with me this time last year.

We got back together back in September... .she came to me.

She told me she has missed me for so long and that she is sorry for all the pain she has caused me in the past.  This girl NEVER apologizes for anything, ever.  She tells me she loves me and wants to be with me.  I tell her I am pretty gaurded but we talked about alot of stuff and cleared the air and I decieded to cautisouly give it a shot.

2 weeks ago asks for a little space, says we are moving too fast. Tells me that she wants to be where I'm at in the relationship, she just needs a few days to go home and cool down.

I agree, we said we would communicate more and if anything came up we would listen and respect each other... .

Last week I wake up to multiple phone calls and texts from friends asking if she went in a vacation. I have no idea and am told to check Facebook.

I see pics of her with some dude she saw after we broke up last year. Keep in mind this dude is apparently an , she's told me, her sister, her friends, he always has multiple girls around and refers to them as es... .oh and he also lives 2000 miles away... .

She comes back.

I confront her. No apology, no remorse, as if nothing she had done was wrong.

I say I gave her the space she asked for and used my time to reflect and she used it to bang some a-hole.

She tells me that she doesn't love me but cares about me.  I call BS and say that she stopped caring for me when she got the idea to get on that plane.  She basiclly tells me its all my fault.  She said she felt like I wasnt proud to be back with her because I hadnt put any facebook photos of us up? What the heck? Its only been a few weeks.  She tells me that its not exciting anymore and that im too easy?  Again What the heck its been just over a month!   

Now... .3 weeks ago she knew I was moving for a job in a few months and she said she wanted to go with me.

2 days ago I get a phone call from a mutual friend saying that she is moving out there to be with him.

I confront her again, and she plays it off like its nothing. I remind her that she said we were moving too fast and needed to slow things down. Moving 2000 miles away all of a sudden do live with someone she hooked up with a few times isn't moving fast? She says it's none of my business. I tell her not to go. She's making a mistake. That whatever problems or issues she is going through won't just disappear by doing something drastic like this.

Haven't spoken to her since.

I never got any answers. No closure. Nothing. I had told her that after everything we have been through she wants to throw it all away? Nothing.

Mind. Blown.

But I'm not surprised. I'm not depressed. I'm sad, but sad for her. Someone agree with me that karma will come back hard on this. No one deserves to be treated like I was.

Also keep in mind that she was with someone for 3 months when she came to me wanting to be with me, we got back together, had a great time, and now she's with someone else... .all in 7 weeks. I think she's lost, sad, confused. BPD?

I was her best friend, even after we broke up, I was still there for her from time to time.

I still love her and care about her. Well, I guess I was there for her when she "needed" me to be there.

I believe in karma. I am a good honest person. I even fought for her this time and told her she was making a huge mistake. Even told her that we could use this to make us stronger. And I got shot down. But I tried... .

She is now living with this guy 2000 miles away.  Didnt tell anyone she was going, all of a sudden one day on fb it says she is living there and is in a relationship, oh and she even posted that she is in love with him.

She has always been a hot and cold person towards me.  The night i confronted her she told me she hated herself.  I know all of her deep issuses, her problems with her mom telling her to go back upstaris and put more makeup on before she goes to school... .After reading all of the stuff on this site it all makes so much sense now.

I havent heard from her since.  She has completley removed me from her life like I never existed.  It hurts because I really do care about her and love her but I know there is nothing I can do.

Oh and where Im moving to in a few weeks, its 3.5 hours from where she is living now.  Alot of my friends and family included think that she has done this knowing that I will still be close by just in case.  I really want to reach out to her but I just dont know what to do... .

[arn131arn]

Certainly sounds like there are BPD traits.

Does she spend money she doesn't have?  Does she gaslight you into believing her distorted reality is in fact real? 

I can't diagnose anyone; but I can say that FB will damage more relationships in it's lifetime than anything else in our past... .

I am struggling to, Hybrid, just learn to breathe. More will be revealed

[necchi]

Welcome Hybrid,

Bpd or not ,her behaviors are not the one of someone I would keep in my life,I for sure would stay away.

To get yourself educated on the subject,I recommend you to read on borderline personality disorder, you will find all there is to know from links on the main board.

[Aussie0zborn]

Oh boy, if I answered the way I want to answer I would be kicked off this forum so I will do it the proper way... .

I'm sorry you are feeling such pain. I have been in the same position myself as has everybody here and it sucks.

But right now you need to get real and start your healing. What is it that you still love about her? The fact that she used you until she found someone else while still with you? They're still in the honeymoon phase and I bet he is giving it to her three times a day, as did the guy she went on vacation with. And she is LOVING  IT. Is this what you love about her or is it the lies, the treachery, the deceit, the betrayal (insert every other typical BPD action here : _____)?

While we are not qualified to diagnose anybody I am willing to bet my left testicle that she has BPD. Please take the time to read the articles here and spend a lot of time reading the various posts on the various forums to get an idea of how your situation and experience is not unlike ours and how lucky you are to have dodged a bullet.

You sound like a nice guy and it would be nice to see you loving yourself more then you love this emotional pariah. The best thing you can do is thank your lucky stars you did not have financial ties with her, did not marry her,  did not have children with her and get a sexual health check. As discussed in another forum topic, pwBPD often have STDs.

As hurtful as it was for you, you got out of that relationship quite easily. I'm not ignoring the emotional turmoil and the emotional scars that leaves but there was no police, no lawyers, no BS. You are actually quite lucky, you just don't know it yet.

What will it take for you to realise she never loved you and your turmoil right now is unfounded? What will it take for you to focus on YOU and start healing? This pain and void that you feel inside is not good and its not natural.

I've never mentioned my second wife here but when she started the nonsense after one month of marriage I showed her the door. When she refused to leave I said I was calling the cops. She said, "If you call the cops they wont be taking me away, they'll be taking you away". Rather puzzled, I looked at her and she said, "I'll tell them that you hit me". And true to her word, thats exactly what she said. While I was being interviewed at the police station and released without charge, she was emptying the house with a couple of young turks. With my third wife, I did what you're doing. What is it that makes us doormats when previously we were normal healthy people who would previously not tolerate such abuse? Why is we tolerated what others wouldn't or what we previously wouldn't?

If you don't like my attitude just say so and I wont respond to your posts again. Good luck. Its not you and  there is nothing you can do about her condition.

[hybridax]

Thanks peeps.  I have been on this site for the past 4 hours haha.  I came here because one of her friends told me last night that he thinks she is BPD.  I never really knew what it was and after reading up on alot of this stuff, it all makes sense.  Im no longer friends with her on FB, but I can see some of the pictures and what not.  Honeslty, I look at them and I dont know who the girl is in the photos.  Its really sad, but there is nothing I can do or say to change things.  She is selfish and clearly doesnt care about me and I wonder if she ever did.  Im not trying to dwell, but I just cant see a drastic move across country to start a relationship working out.

[hybridax]

Oh boy, if I answered the way I want to answer I would be kicked off this forum so I will do it the proper way... .

I'm sorry you are feeling such pain. I have been in the same position myself as has everybody here and it sucks.

But right now you need to get real and start your healing. What is it that you still love about her? The fact that she used you until she found someone else while still with you? They're still in the honeymoon phase and I bet he is giving it to her three times a day, as did the guy she went on vacation with. And she is LOVING  IT. Is this what you love about her or is it the lies, the treachery, the deceit, the betrayal (insert every other typical BPD action here : _____)?

While we are not qualified to diagnose anybody I am willing to bet my left testicle that she has BPD. Please take the time to read the articles here and spend a lot of time reading the various posts on the various forums to get an idea of how your situation and experience is not unlike ours and how lucky you are to have dodged a bullet.

You sound like a nice guy and it would be nice to see you loving yourself more then you love this emotional pariah. The best thing you can do is thank your lucky stars you did not have financial ties with her, did not marry her,  did not have children with her and get a sexual health check. As discussed in another forum topic, pwBPD often have STDs.

As hurtful as it was for you, you got out of that relationship quite easily. I'm not ignoring the emotional turmoil and the emotional scars that leaves but there was no police, no lawyers, no BS. You are actually quite lucky, you just don't know it yet.

What will it take for you to realise she never loved you and your turmoil right now is unfounded? What will it take for you to focus on YOU and start healing? This pain and void that you feel inside is not good and its not natural.

I've never mentioned my second wife here but when she started the nonsense after one month of marriage I showed her the door. When she refused to leave I said I was calling the cops. She said, "If you call the cops they wont be taking me away, they'll be taking you away". Rather puzzled, I looked at her and she said, "I'll tell them that you hit me". And true to her word, thats exactly what she said. While I was being interviewed at the police station and released without charge, she was emptying the house with a couple of young turks. With my third wife, I did what you're doing. What is it that makes us doormats when previously we were normal healthy people who would previously not tolerate such abuse? Why is we tolerated what others wouldn't or what we previously wouldn't?

If you don't like my attitude just say so and I wont respond to your posts again. Good luck. Its not you and  there is nothing you can do about her condition.

I appreciate the honesty haha. Im not a little puss, I can take it.  To make things clear, she is living with the guy that she went to visit.  They hung out a few times when he lived where I am and then he moved away but was aparently from what I have heard banging a few different girls including her.  Which is why she had originally stopped hanging out with him in the first place.  They never even dated.  Oh and I know how she is, im sure they are banging 5 times a day... .gross.  This girl has 2 sides to her, the sweet nice girl, and the ultra b*^ch.  Eh, no point in writing anymore about it, I know who the Academy Award for best actress goes to this year... .Is it normal for people like this to completely ignore me?  I just dont get how you can cut someone out of your life like that but I guess thats because I consider myself normal.

[hybridax]

Certainly sounds like there are BPD traits.

Does she spend money she doesn't have?  Does she gaslight you into believing her distorted reality is in fact real? 

I can't diagnose anyone; but I can say that FB will damage more relationships in it's lifetime than anything else in our past... .

I am struggling to, Hybrid, just learn to breathe. More will be revealed

Well I know from friends that she isnt working out there right now and I know she has bought plane tickets and tires for her car for the drive, so yea, id say she is spending money she doesnt have... .but this dude has money so I guess he will trreat her like the whore she is for now.

[arn131arn]

Hybrid,

My relationship went on for 14 years.  Longer than most marriages.  All I can tell you is I have realized that NOONE that treats me that way deserves to be a part of my life.

Life's too short.  This is the only one you get.  :)ust off your jeans and RUN!  BPD or not, you deserve better.  I was foolish bc I always thought I could fix it or it would be different, and it never was.

Don't make the mistake and go back when she comes calling... .If she is BPD she just very well may

[Learning_curve74]

Is it normal for people like this to completely ignore me?  I just dont get how you can cut someone out of your life like that but I guess thats because I consider myself normal.

Short answer: Yes.  She sounds like she has BPD and suffers from disordered thinking. Her feelings and thinking are disordered which means that she doesn't feel or think the same way as you. Her behaviors are a coping strategy for her, dysfunctional ones when it comes to trying to have healthy relationships though.

Please check out this article and the ten beliefs that can get you stuck: Surviving a Break-up with Someone Suffering with Borderline Personality Disorder. There is further discussion about belief #2 here: Belief that your BPD partner feels the same way that you feel.

[Aussie0zborn]

[

... .Is it normal for people like this to completely ignore me?  I just dont get how you can cut someone out of your life like that but I guess thats because I consider myself normal.

Yes. You were a thorn in her side. You promised to save her but all you brought her was misery. She has blocked you out, convincing herself that she fell for yet another user and she has moved on to a real man. What a waste of time you were. Oh, but what about the good times, you say? Dude, there weren't any and she has convinced herself of that so no point trying to point them out to her. You are lying - again.

Believe it or not, that's how pwBPD see it. 

Are you over her now?

[hybridax]

[

... .Is it normal for people like this to completely ignore me?  I just dont get how you can cut someone out of your life like that but I guess thats because I consider myself normal.

Yes. You were a thorn in her side. You promised to save her but all you brought her was misery. She has blocked you out, convincing herself that she fell for yet another user and she has moved on to a real man. What a waste of time you were. Oh, but what about the good times, you say? Dude, there weren't any and she has convinced herself of that so no point trying to point them out to her. You are lying - again.

Believe it or not, that's how pwBPD see it. 

Are you over her now?

wow, harsh reality.  I just dont understand how people can do that to others.  Over her?  Im over the person she is, not the person she was if that means anything.  Im going to be fine.  Live my life and do what I have set out to do.  Im sure karma will come to her at some point, and I wont be there for her like I have been so many times before... .

[hybridax]

what is gaslighting?

[arn131arn]

what is gaslighting?

It's the nobel prize of mindf**ks!

It's when their out of whack perception of reality becomes real to you.  They make you believe in something that NEVER happened.

And we do, for a while believe it.  Until we are out of the fog.  I am going through that right now, believing everything she has ever said to me.

Can't wait to get out of the FOG and start thinking clearly

[Aussie0zborn]

what is gaslighting?

www.en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gaslighting