I feel so ashamed about my feelings

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Because of the crazy that has been happening in this sharehouse, I have spent pretty much 24/7 with my ex since last Friday - before that we would hang out for a few hours every day but this was sleeping in the same bed etc (no sex).

Today, he is leaving for his 3/4/5? day vacation - he has done everything to make me think that he is going there alone ... I don't know why he has gone out of his way to do that ... our 'friendship' is just that. I want more ... he doesn't. Actually, he doesn't want more with anyone ... he doesn't want a relationship, doesn't want to be emotionally attached to anyone.

Meanwhile, we lie in his bed watching films and laughing, hanging out, touch each other when we speak ... share cooking/food etc...

Given the drama that is happening in the house, I have been seriously considering packing up and going back to my state.

I told him that this morning and he replied that he thinks that is a good idea - that this city is toxic. He said that he was sorry that everything has gone to sh&t (I think he meant the house not sure)...

When he was so cavalier about me returning to my home state, I got upset ... I am upset because he doesn't seem to care whether I am here or not (mixed messages - his specialty) ... and upset because I care that he doesn't.

He asked me if I was upset because of him or because of the house ... I couldn't even respond because I kept thinking that he KNEW there was the possibility that it was about him - I am obviously not hiding my feelings as well as I thought.

I am not sure I have it in me to fight through and find a house - I cannot leave my dog alone in this house but I have to be out in 11 days - I don't know how to find a new place ... I don't know if I am trying to stay in this city due to malignant hope about him ... and I don't know how to disengage ... .I don't know how to WANT to disengage ... .

I am just so ashamed of my feelings. I want them to stop. I want them to be invisible to him.

[damage control]

Because of the crazy that has been happening in this sharehouse, I have spent pretty much 24/7 with my ex since last Friday - before that we would hang out for a few hours every day but this was sleeping in the same bed etc (no sex).

Today, he is leaving for his 3/4/5? day vacation - he has done everything to make me think that he is going there alone ... I don't know why he has gone out of his way to do that ... our 'friendship' is just that. I want more ... he doesn't. Actually, he doesn't want more with anyone ... he doesn't want a relationship, doesn't want to be emotionally attached to anyone.

Meanwhile, we lie in his bed watching films and laughing, hanging out, touch each other when we speak ... share cooking/food etc...

Given the drama that is happening in the house, I have been seriously considering packing up and going back to my state.

I told him that this morning and he replied that he thinks that is a good idea - that this city is toxic. He said that he was sorry that everything has gone to sh&t (I think he meant the house not sure)...

When he was so cavalier about me returning to my home state, I got upset ... I am upset because he doesn't seem to care whether I am here or not (mixed messages - his specialty) ... and upset because I care that he doesn't.

He asked me if I was upset because of him or because of the house ... I couldn't even respond because I kept thinking that he KNEW there was the possibility that it was about him - I am obviously not hiding my feelings as well as I thought.

I am not sure I have it in me to fight through and find a house - I cannot leave my dog alone in this house but I have to be out in 11 days - I don't know how to find a new place ... I don't know if I am trying to stay in this city due to malignant hope about him ... and I don't know how to disengage ... .I don't know how to WANT to disengage ... .

I am just so ashamed of my feelings. I want them to stop. I want them to be invisible to him.

[love4meNOTu]

I am not sure I have it in me to fight through and find a house - I cannot leave my dog alone in this house but I have to be out in 11 days - I don't know how to find a new place ... I don't know if I am trying to stay in this city due to malignant hope about him ... and I don't know how to disengage ... .I don't know how to WANT to disengage ... .

I am just so ashamed of my feelings. I want them to stop. I want them to be invisible to him.

Oh I know. I was very ashamed as well. When I told my parents that I still loved him (mind you, they knew everything that happened and absolutely despised my ex) were so very upset. I had to choke down my shame and try to explain how I was healing, that it's only been 3 months since my divorce and I need time... .

Same with you.

You just need time. But it's gotta be time away from your ex on again off again - if you truly want to heal.

[DragoN]

Given the drama that is happening in the house, I have been seriously considering packing up and going back to my state.

Go and spare your sanity.

In future, don't ever move from your position of strength unless it is to take on a better job and improve your personal/ financial power base. Sounds terrible, but it is also reality.

Set up a plan of action and getting moving on it. Your plan for You, no other considerations.

[RecycledNoMore]

I agree with megan

Ive watched you deteriorate over the past weeks

It breaks my heart

You deserve so much more

He can give you nothing but pain.

[damage control]

Oh I know. I was very ashamed as well. When I told my parents that I still loved him (mind you, they knew everything that happened and absolutely despised my ex) were so very upset. I had to choke down my shame and try to explain how I was healing, that it's only been 3 months since my divorce and I need time... .

Same with you.

You just need time. But it's gotta be time away from your ex on again off again - if you truly want to heal.

The shame is debilitating isn't it ... .

It's not really on again off again as in we have never really been 'off' in terms of not seeing/being in contact with one another but, never been 'on' in terms of ... well, sex  ... so we may have the intimacy but not the sex ... which is how I measure 'on again'.

[damage control]

Given the drama that is happening in the house, I have been seriously considering packing up and going back to my state.

Go and spare your sanity.

In future, don't ever move from your position of strength unless it is to take on a better job and improve your personal/ financial power base. Sounds terrible, but it is also reality.

Set up a plan of action and getting moving on it. Your plan for You, no other considerations.

Hi Megan ... I didn't 'move' here for him ... I came here to see him and got a job I had been in the running for at the same time. I only stayed for the job.

I think if I had just been visiting he and I would still be together (I don't mean that with a lament or anything, but it was me getting a job here, the chance of being permanent and what that 'meant' that triggered him)

If I go back home, I have to leave my job ... and it's a good job, a really good job with a chance to work from home in maybe 5/6 months ... if I stay ... perhaps I lose the last scraps of my sanity ...

[damage control]

I agree with megan

Ive watched you deteriorate over the past weeks

It breaks my heart

You deserve so much more

He can give you nothing but pain.

Hi recycled ... .I have deteriorated I know. I feel like I am a walking emotion covered with bewilderment ...

He can't offer me anything I know ... I mean, I really do know this ... but I just don't seem to be able to process it ... .

[damage control]

He left for his Xmas vacation an hour or so ago.

He doesn't know if I will be here when he gets back - well, neither of us do ... I don't know if he has gone on his own or with my replacement ... and both of us had to detach from the past few days together.

I have been upset all day and he asked me for a second time what was wrong ... I find it really difficult to tell the person involved when I am sad/upset/angry with them ... the words literally will not form and he knows this ... but he waited and asked me (again) if it was him or the house situation ... and I cracked and said "I still miss you" ... he nodded like he knew that was what it was and then said he was sorry that everything here had gone to sh$t, sorry that he had gone to ___ ... that he is a different person than when he and I met, and is becoming a different person again with all of this awful house crap.

He said that no matter what I choose - stay or go, he wants to keep in touch ... and that he 'doesn't mean that lightly'... that he really wants to keep in touch.

He said to call him while he is away if I need him for anything at all ... and that he had sent an email that he wanted me to forward to the other couple that live here. He has begun signing them with xx's and oo's like he used to ...

I was lying on my bed ... I told him that I hoped he enjoys his trip and he leaned over and kissed me on the cheek and left.

Not long after ... the couple came by and asked me to thank him and dropped off a xmas present for the ex and I to share ... so, I sent him a picture of the present and let him know they had received the email and the present/s from us.

We have been texting back and forth ... one he sent was just asking me to tell the couple thanks for the gift ... then he sent one on it's own just : XXX.

I am shredded.

I feel like I have been recycled when I really haven't ...

I don't know how to let go of this man ...

[Surnia]

Hi damage control

I have a master degree in feeling ashamed of all kind of things. I know so well how difficult this is!

Its so brave to acknowledge it. Its brave to acknowledge that you have feelings for him while he is keeping you on a half distance. Showing him this makes you vulnerable.  

[Starlight607]

Hi Damage Control

Many of us know the pain you are going through. It is debilitating and made worse perhaps by Christmas and the uncertainty of whether he has gone alone or with your replacement. I endured this type of relationship for over 3 years and it nearly destroyed me. From my perception he is feeding off your vulnerability. He knows you care, he knows you want him and he handles it by what I can only see as torture. He did not offer you any compassion just played with your emotional vulnerability and need. He kissed you on the cheek and went.

I feel for you so much and will you to find the strength to move on. Can you keep your job and just move out and try and find the emotional resources to rebuild your life. Do you have good friends who can be there for you so you text them not him? I sound heavy handed and I don't mean it like that. I finally accepted my BPD bf for what he sadly was and it was hard. I moved on with NC, some very lonely days and such a desire to text. But I didn't and now 6 months on it is like I am a different person. FREE! I did have my dog though! He was the best distraction. Please don't be ashamed. You are just very caring, in love it sounds and being hurt over and over.

I will be thinking of you over this Xmas period and know in my heart you need to find the strength and resources to give him up as he is no good. You owe it to yourself.

Starlight607

[damage control]

Hi damage control

I have a master degree in feeling ashamed of all kind of things. I know so well how difficult this is!

Its so brave to acknowledge it. Its brave to acknowledge that you have feelings for him while he is keeping you on a half distance. Showing him this makes you vulnerable.  

Thanks for the kind words Surnia ... tonight feels surreal ... it took everything I had to muster just those few words to him ... I didnt do it for him ... I did for me ... well, I did it because I wanted to show myself that I could ...

[damage control]

Hi Damage Control

Many of us know the pain you are going through. It is debilitating and made worse perhaps by Christmas and the uncertainty of whether he has gone alone or with your replacement. I endured this type of relationship for over 3 years and it nearly destroyed me. From my perception he is feeding off your vulnerability. He knows you care, he knows you want him and he handles it by what I can only see as torture. He did not offer you any compassion just played with your emotional vulnerability and need. He kissed you on the cheek and went.

I feel for you so much and will you to find the strength to move on. Can you keep your job and just move out and try and find the emotional resources to rebuild your life. Do you have good friends who can be there for you so you text them not him? I sound heavy handed and I don't mean it like that. I finally accepted my BPD bf for what he sadly was and it was hard. I moved on with NC, some very lonely days and such a desire to text. But I didn't and now 6 months on it is like I am a different person. FREE! I did have my dog though! He was the best distraction. Please don't be ashamed. You are just very caring, in love it sounds and being hurt over and over.

I will be thinking of you over this Xmas period and know in my heart you need to find the strength and resources to give him up as he is no good. You owe it to yourself.

Starlight607

Hi Starlight ... thank you for your thoughts/insight.

I do have some friends I can text ... I don't really have anyone flesh and blood in this city ... and to be completely honest I feel utterly alone. The men in my life (mostly ex's) . while they care, it often feels like they are waiting for me to be free of this man so I can get on with being pleasurable to be around again...

I am not sure if i have the capacity to find somewhere new and move on/keep the job ... I am trying to just feel rel right now ... I am so utterly lost.

I read the words you wrote (in bold) and I know that you are right but ... I don't really see or 'get' manipulation or boundary crossing ... I cannot see it and so ... I understand that something is not right but I don't understand how this relates to what he is doing. Yes, it is torture and yes, I think he feeds off my vulnerability and need for him ...

I am beginning to think that he has gone to be with my replacement ... in fact, I think he is staying with her tonight and they will leave for vacation in the morning ... the texts just stopped and ... well, it didn't make much sense him leaving as late as he did ... I am not hung up on that ... I'm really not. He doesn't love her ... not even close. I am not demeaning what she and he may have  ... it could well be that it turns out to be perfect for him due to lack of emotional intensity/accountability ...

I am just babbling aren't I? ... I am a big void right now ... and it is a void of my own self-making.

[RecycledNoMore]

R u ok damage?

[goldylamont]

damage control, do you feel like you've ever made anyone else feel like this person is making you feel? the crux of the loss seems to feel as if it that's he's withholding having sex with you, and enjoying this with another. sex is a humongous bond between individuals.

[patientandclear]

DC -- I don't have a whole lot of insight, just wanted to affirm that that sounds utterly miserable.  He seems kind but it is really sadistic.  Knowing beyond a shadow of a doubt how much you are hurting, he still helps himself to the pleasure of being connected to you in the exact degree that is comfortable for him ("xxx" while demonstrating to you both that he gets to leave, no questions asked.

I know none of the actions scream abuse in and of themselves -- he was nice! he kissed my cheek! he texted!  he acted like we were a normal couple -- but put together with how he's reserved the prerogative to go engage with other women (setting aside whether he's with the other woman right now or not), how he leaves when he wants to leave, how he sort of shrugs about the possibility of you leaving ("I'd like to stay in touch, no really, not lightly, really in touch", how he won't offer you the physical intimacy that used to go with the emotional intimacy ... .it's tremendously abusive.  He's manipulating you to achieve the most comfortable scenario for him.  One reason he's doing it is that you are letting him (not saying that if you stop letting him, he will necessarily do anything better).  He is not faced with losing anything.  If you returned to your state, conceivably he could regain the LDR you two had before, even.

It feels bad because he's treating you badly.  He's taking you for granted (or "for granite" as my dad's only girlfriend before my mom apparently complained about).

Your feels are not shameful.  They're the feelings he invited.  He's creating conditions under which his weird actions are normalized and your normal feelings are shamed.  That's toxic.  And you know I know what I'm talking about, because I'm dealing with the same thing.

Merry Christmas DC.

[Littleopener]

^this.

I'm feeling the same. It's like he's not abusing you because he's not actively being horrible.

But he is. Because he's making you feel like this.

I can only offer hugs.

[damage control]

R u ok damage?

Thanks for asking recycled ... .I am OK in that it's 3am and I can be alone without work or housemates bothering me ... I love the night because it is mine and there is nobody around to try and steal my peace and quiet.

I am not OK because the morning means I have to see my own reflection again (I never use lights in the night ... it's when I can truly hide).

But I am (always) here, so, I guess that means that I am OK. It seems ... trivial to measure my OK-ness through the fact that my body is whole and I haven't hurt it or stopped it ...

[damage control]

damage control, do you feel like you've ever made anyone else feel like this person is making you feel? the crux of the loss seems to feel as if it that's he's withholding having sex with you, and enjoying this with another. sex is a humongous bond between individuals.

Hey Goldy

I did do this to my (LTR) ex ... but only after years and much abuse ... after the trust was obliterated.

Sex is the crux of the matter ... you are right. He is using it as a weapon. He did this with the previous ex, before me and I can recall cringing when he told me that she was insisting upon having sex with him even though he had categorically told her he didn't want to. I couldn't fathom how a woman/person gets to that point.

Well ... the joke is on me right? I will/would not EVER demand/plead or try to engage sex like she did ... but I am now her.

[damage control]

DC -- I don't have a whole lot of insight, just wanted to affirm that that sounds utterly miserable.  He seems kind but it is really sadistic.  Knowing beyond a shadow of a doubt how much you are hurting, he still helps himself to the pleasure of being connected to you in the exact degree that is comfortable for him ("xxx" while demonstrating to you both that he gets to leave, no questions asked.

I know none of the actions scream abuse in and of themselves -- he was nice! he kissed my cheek! he texted!  he acted like we were a normal couple -- but put together with how he's reserved the prerogative to go engage with other women (setting aside whether he's with the other woman right now or not), how he leaves when he wants to leave, how he sort of shrugs about the possibility of you leaving ("I'd like to stay in touch, no really, not lightly, really in touch", how he won't offer you the physical intimacy that used to go with the emotional intimacy ... .it's tremendously abusive.  He's manipulating you to achieve the most comfortable scenario for him.  One reason he's doing it is that you are letting him (not saying that if you stop letting him, he will necessarily do anything better).  He is not faced with losing anything.  If you returned to your state, conceivably he could regain the LDR you two had before, even.

It feels bad because he's treating you badly.  He's taking you for granted (or "for granite" as my dad's only girlfriend before my mom apparently complained about).

Your feels are not shameful.  They're the feelings he invited.  He's creating conditions under which his weird actions are normalized and your normal feelings are shamed.  That's toxic.  And you know I know what I'm talking about, because I'm dealing with the same thing.

Merry Christmas DC.

Merry Xmas P+C

Thank you for taking the time to explain this to me because although I know it is 'weird', I have not been able to understand why it feels so bad. I guess I have been thinking that he has the right to not want me - and the fact that he doesn't is my problem/issue to deal with, not his. But I have really, REALLY struggled with the sex stuff - to want to engage with me on every level except sexually is triggering me bigtime.

My own issues are so enmeshed with sex - and I engage with men sexually so very rarely due to this that the rejection feels almost fatal.

As for the kiss on the cheek ... it didn't feel nice. I hated it. It literalised exactly where he and I are at right now ... it personified the full stop that he has written upon our 'relationship'. It ends right here ... do not start a new sentence or try to write any more ... this is the end of the line ... all you deserve/will get from me. Horrible feeling.

[damage control]

^this.

I'm feeling the same. It's like he's not abusing you because he's not actively being horrible.

But he is. Because he's making you feel like this.

I can only offer hugs.

Thanks for the hugs ... and the support. Much appreciated.

I NEED to be told that this is abuse because I cannot see it ... P+C's explanation has helped tremendously and your comment in support of what she says helps also.

[redkong]

DC, I agree with P+C, you ex is toying with you, and this is abuse. 

It really seems like you're at a point where your focus and priority must be getting out of this house.  I know you have considerations re your job etc, but your well-being must come first.  Without that, nothing else will matter.  You're probably feeling vulnerable and hurting right now, which can be a difficult time to reach out for help, but the longer you stay in this toxic house, the worse you might feel.

If we can help from this board, not just with empathy but with problem-solving, please let us know.

[patientandclear]

As for the kiss on the cheek ... it didn't feel nice. I hated it. It literalised exactly where he and I are at right now ... it personified the full stop that he has written upon our 'relationship'. It ends right here ... do not start a new sentence or try to write any more ... this is the end of the line ... all you deserve/will get from me. Horrible feeling.

Yeah, exactly. After he ended our romantic/sexual r/s my ex wanted to keep up an intense email correspondence about other things.  Immediately, the salutations went from "good morning my love," to "Hey P & C."

When we'd see each other in person, he'd hug me coming & going.  Cursory friends hugs.  I hated that.  Eventually I think my body language made that clear, because we don't do that anymore.

[patientandclear]

For what it's worth, I just wrote my ex, with whom I've had this kind of sweetly abusive pick-me-up-put-me-down dynamic for 18 months now, & said I'm still in (for a close r/s) if he can commit to sustaining what he starts with me, whether it's a conversation or a level of closeness.  If not, we have to remain at a much more superficial (and therefore not very interesting to either of us) level.  I can't keep opening up to him & then turning around to find that he's gone again.

I have about a 1% hope that he can respond constructively to this, and a 99% expectation that it means the r/s is over for all intents & purposes.  But I'd rather that than continue as we have been.  You have to be willing to lose the r/s to save it ... .you can't keep giving him everything you have to offer on exactly his messed up terms, or the terms will be forever hurtful.

These things do not seem to grow or evolve in a good way.  They seem to get entrenched in these subtly abusive, withholding, control-oriented dynamics.

[Littleopener]

P+C I think I need to do the exact thing. I 99% know he'll accuse me of abandoning him but I'm going through the same as you.

He is using me for his ego when it is convenient to him. I once accused him of this when I was feeling awful and he raged at me, telling me it wasn't fault, he would never use me and that I was being dramatic.

I believed him. At the time. I thought I must've been overreacting. I'm slowly beginning to see that I wasn't. Abuse isn't just raging and calling names.

[Iamdizzy]

Damagecontrol,

I am not sure I have it in me to fight through and find a house - I cannot leave my dog alone in this house but I have to be out in 11 days - I don't know how to find a new place ... I don't know if I am trying to stay in this city due to malignant hope about him ... and I don't know how to disengage ... .I don't know how to WANT to disengage ... .

I am just so ashamed of my feelings. I want them to stop. I want them to be invisible to him.

  I really feel for you and understand the intense fear and emotions of the situation you're in. I felt the same way during the beginning of the break up, I was essentially staring into a blackhole of just "what the ___ am I going to do now" I was left dizzy and spinning. The thing is, You need to find strength, easier said than done of course, but this will liberate you from the most toxic thing in your life, your relationship. You need, if it's financially agreeable, move away because this will bring you down. These types of relationships are a one way ticket to drowning in misery and a life of unhappiness.

Disengaging is the hardest part especially when you're right at the cusp of leaving but you must. Cry and know that it's OK to feel what you're feeling. There's nothing weird, stupid, crazy about that. It's human nature. We all unfortuantely for one reason or another, let someone in our lives who's emotionally immature and just toxic to anyone they are with, our mistakes but we can get better.

Again, don't be ashamed. It's OK and I'm saying that because I am hard on myself ALL THE TIME about missing my BPDex, but I understand the dynamic we had, the relationship was intense therefore I had intense emotions for her and that's ok. In time they slowly disminish. I wish you the best. Keep posting! vent. vent vent vent but find strength to get out!.

[ucmeicu2]

It's like he's not abusing you because he's not actively being horrible. But he is. Because he's making you feel like this.

i grew up in a family that constantly said 'you make me feel this' 'you make me feel that' etc... .  took me a long time to learn that emotions come from inside us, not outside.  nobody can make us feel an emotion, we manufacture them ourselves.  emotions come from our thoughts.  our thoughts come from our interpretations of events. i've found it to be a hard habit to break ~ even now, i can still slip back into that kind of thinking.

this article is really excellent ~ Ten Beliefs That Can Get You Stuck - Surviving a Breakup with Someone Suffering with Borderline Personality Disorder

https://bpdfamily.com/pdfs/10_beliefs.pdf

[goldylamont]

DC -- I don't have a whole lot of insight, just wanted to affirm that that sounds utterly miserable.  He seems kind but it is really sadistic.  Knowing beyond a shadow of a doubt how much you are hurting, he still helps himself to the pleasure of being connected to you in the exact degree that is comfortable for him ("xxx" while demonstrating to you both that he gets to leave, no questions asked.

I know none of the actions scream abuse in and of themselves -- he was nice! he kissed my cheek! he texted!  he acted like we were a normal couple -- but put together with how he's reserved the prerogative to go engage with other women (setting aside whether he's with the other woman right now or not), how he leaves when he wants to leave, how he sort of shrugs about the possibility of you leaving ("I'd like to stay in touch, no really, not lightly, really in touch", how he won't offer you the physical intimacy that used to go with the emotional intimacy ... .it's tremendously abusive.  He's manipulating you to achieve the most comfortable scenario for him.  One reason he's doing it is that you are letting him (not saying that if you stop letting him, he will necessarily do anything better).  He is not faced with losing anything.  If you returned to your state, conceivably he could regain the LDR you two had before, even.

It feels bad because he's treating you badly.  He's taking you for granted (or "for granite" as my dad's only girlfriend before my mom apparently complained about).

Your feels are not shameful.  They're the feelings he invited.  He's creating conditions under which his weird actions are normalized and your normal feelings are shamed.  That's toxic.  And you know I know what I'm talking about, because I'm dealing with the same thing.

Merry Christmas DC.

p+c thanks for this. you put into words how i felt during the last few weeks of contact with my ex. i was ready to leave for good, and on good terms as we had talked through a lot of things (this happened about 10 months after we broke up). however when i was peacefully exciting she pulled me back in with tears and 'passion' and statements about how she truly wanted to be with me, etc. and then changing her mind the next day saying she wasn't sure, wanted to be single... .and for the next few weeks we would meet and talk, never argued but the ex would do and say things to devalue the r/s she acted as if she wanted. i remember her saying during this time that she was thinking of moving away--"because there's nothing of value holding me here." << and of course i had to hold back from screaming "you crazy person less than a week ago you said you couldn't live without me!".

i began realizing that being in any kind of r/s with a narcissist (and my ex was more BPD, not npd but i think after breaking up it becomes more like narcissism at least in my case). but in any case, having any kind of r/s with someone in narc mode meant that i was forced to act like a narcissist also. and this isn't who i am; this isn't natural for me. i don't want to hide my emotions for you. i don't want to act like i'm ok with you one day saying you love me and the next day saying you could move away because there's nothing to keep you here. but intrinsically i understood that if i didn't act as if i didn't care and didn't have emotions, if i didn't act narcissistic, that arguments would ensue. the only way to sustain the r/s and the reason why we weren't fighting those last few weeks was because i pushed my emotions aside waiting to see if this person would come around. and damage control, maybe this is a bit of what you are feeling? because your ex seems to act super nice as long as you act against your true emotions... ."acting" as if you are as narcissistic as he? not sure if it's the same for you but this is how i felt.

[myself]

the relationship was intense therefore I had intense emotions

^^  

DC, it does sound like he's stringing you along, getting you to feel like he is there when he's not really there. The same pattern he's had with others. You need more than that! Once you're past the worst of the detachment, if you let go, you will feel much better.

He told you he is different people at different times, depending on the situation. This raises many red flags. Who is he, really? How can you have a relationship with him when you're not able to be sure who he is? It even makes you wonder about yourself.

What is constant, from reading your posts, is you've been in pain.

P&C is right, this is abuse and manipulation. At what point, when we allow this to continue, are we doing more than playing a role and cross over into being abusive to ourselves? Subtleties add up. The unspoken can hurt just as much as the yelled.

Shame can be turned into healing.   You can use those feelings to grow.      

[Waifed]

DC

I feel your pain. I briefly got sucked back in the first time I left the ex. The great night followed by painful indifference was enough for me to know that this woman didn't care about anyone but herself. PwBPD do not care about anyone but themselves. Period. The End.

Your ex knows what you are feeling. Borderlines can read you by just looking at your facial expressions. He doesn't need to ask. In some sick way he just wanted you to admit that you miss him. He currently has the best of both worlds. Of course he wants to maintain contact. You are a much better person than him. You are no ones back up plan. He has you at arms length in case this trip doesn't work out. He is texting you to maintain control over you. What happens if his weekend is a "success"?  He will turn cold on you. Don't give him the opportunity.

Get the Hell out of there. Do it for yourself. It hurts beyond belief but you are inflicting pain on yourself by staying. You have pain and hurt awaiting you either way but why not deal with it while you are healing.

Damage, we are here for you no matter what you choose. We will be with you as long as it takes to heal. I will be thinking about you.  

[Tricky]

DC

I feel your pain. I briefly got sucked back in the first time I left the ex. The great night followed by painful indifference was enough for me to know that this woman didn't care about anyone but herself. PwBPD do not care about anyone but themselves. Period. The End.

Your ex knows what you are feeling. Borderlines can read you by just looking at your facial expressions. He doesn't need to ask. In some sick way he just wanted you to admit that you miss him. He currently has the best of both worlds. Of course he wants to maintain contact. You are a much better person than him. You are no ones back up plan. He has you at arms length in case this trip doesn't work out. He is texting you to maintain control over you.

Apologies ,don't mean to take over the discussion at all, just got to say this.

Waifed! Your post just sent me into a cold sweat of in-your-face realisation, a kick-in-the-balls jolt. You expressed it concisely and wonderfully. I've been playing with fire. And juggling emotional hand grenades. I know all this already, but I've chosen to live in a shameful  fantasy land past few weeks.

Sh!t. Sh!t.

Thankyou, I think.