Raped of my dignity & self worth by my BPD wife.

[ogopogodude]

   

I have been raped of my dignity and self worth by my ex. It sounds like an exaggeration or even drama rantings of a BPD person as well, but i was. I try not not to remember bad things in my life but... .the horrible temper tantrums are so very vivid in my mind. And how she became "possessed" by the devil when she ranted and raged and stomped all over the house as she destroyed things by either throwing them and such. 

    She was awful to me and I still have weepy episodes of why I let her abuse me and my two kids. I ask myself from time to time why I just didn't  strike back at her and simply resort to violence and hit her while she abused me verbally and emotionally.  And why did these very odd behavioural episodes show up 13 to 14 years later of marriage?  (there would be no way in Hell I would have married her if she acted like that if we dated, ... that's for sure).

    Is this the right phrase to use? Rape? Is this word allocated to just a sexual manner? Because "being stripped of one's dignity" just doesn't seem the same in terms of what was done to me (and the children). Whatever the case, ... her behaviour is certainly classified as spousal abuse as well as child abuse.

   Thanks to those that read my post. I find it therapeutic to put things down into writing the things that I have experienced. I know that I "just have to get over it" ... .and for the most part I have. But justice has not been done yet. And no, ... .revenge is not what I want.

    Just the truth to come be exposed, that is all.

[ivan da terrible]

DUDE,

Don't be too hard on yourself.  I think if most of us knew that the person we were dating had BPD, and all of its related symptoms, we would not have gone any further.  I do understand about having one's dignity taken.  For me, I think enforcing my boundaries will prevent that in the future.  In the beginning of the r/s, mine would be critical of everything from my clothing to my choice of aftershave lotion.  At first I though it was a mothering instinct, and it may have been, but what does that say about me if  continue to let it happen and not enforce some boundaries?  I recall putting up a defense, and things would get testy, but if it got too hot, I backed off for fear of false domestic violence allegations.  I sometimes walked away, but in the end, it just prolonged the agony.  Ultimately, I had to leave.  It was difficult and gut wrenching.  I need to forgive me. 

So I guess you did the best you could in the time and place you were at.  We cannot beat BPD... .most shrinks cannot beat it either.  We need to forgive ourselves and believe that we did the best we could.  Good luck, and Merry Christmas.

[gary seven]

Hey Ogopogo:

I can relate to what you are feeling.  It's quite the awful reverse stereotype that only my closest family is aware of. 

The "just have to get over it," is quick and easy because we are guys.  That's what hurts the most at times.  So every once in a while, just to make sure what I have been through is/was real, I put on a few tunes that are very depressing.  I have a short list, and its mostly in my car cd player.   For me, it is sometimes "refreshing" to musically think , "Wow, I'm not nearly as depressed as that singer/song."  In other words, sometimes it paradoxically cheers me up. 

Disco music, however, was bad the first time for me when it came out and now I cringe when I hear it played as an "Oldie."

[arn131arn]

I was with mine for 14 years.

If she would stand in a doorway and hurl things at me, I would push her out of the way and walk out of the house.  If she was slapping or hitting me, I would restrain her arms until she calmed down, and walk out of the house.

Upon returning, sometimes hours later, there was always a squad car in the street looking to take me to jail.

Makes no sense, but be glad you didn't have any legal troubles

[ogopogodude]

Is it legal to restrain a person physicially? I know that I sure did, ... but when I did I promptly called 911 on my cell as I held her down (and talked very calmly to the person on the line) as my mate was screaming like the bithch she is/was (sorry, ... but she really became a demonized spirit when like that).

[peacebaby]

Just wanted to respond--no, rape is not the right word.

[ogopogodude]

I was unsure when I was creating this topic but, actually, "rape" can be used in the context that I used. Literally, I just now went to dictionary app on my Mac computer and it can be used the way I stated: "I was raped of my dignity" .  I guess it really is a matter of opinion, I suppose.

   But I will certainly tell you that I sure can relate to a female being violated in a sexual manner. I know it sounds weird or odd but a grown man can spontaneously weep when reflecting back on the violence that was put upon him.  Male or female, ... it really does not matter about the gender of the person being desecrated, ... but violence against another is just not acceptable.

I know that I weep just thinking about the horrific arguments and things that she would destroy and throw at me when my mate allowed the "evil spirit" that was channeled from the underworld to take over her mind.  I would "turtle" or go into a fetal position and she would still hit me over and over again. She would yell at me "be a man" over and over again when all I wanted was to be left alone.

    I returned no violence back. I am not that type of person. As Jesus, said, "turn the other cheek" as well as "forgive them, as they know not what they do". (Sorry for the quotes , but I am deeply spiritual and of Roman Catholic upbringing  yet I do not want this to turn into a religious topic). 

I copied and pasted the dictionary blurb below:

rape

noun

1 he was charged with rape: sexual assault, sexual abuse, sexual interference; archaic ravishment, defilement.

2 the rape of the rain forest: destruction, violation, ravaging, pillaging, plundering, desecration, defilement, sacking, sack.

verb

1 he raped her at knifepoint: sexually assault, sexually abuse, violate, force oneself on; literary ravish; archaic defile.

2 they raped our country: ravage, violate, desecrate, defile, plunder, pillage, despoil; lay waste, ransack, sack.

[santa]

For lack of a better phrase, "I feel your pain". It's awful, man. I'm so sorry you had to deal with that for so long. It's really a shame that these BPD people are allowed to walk the streets of a normal society. In my opinion, they should all be locked away in mental hospitals or jails.

The best news for you is that you don't have to put up with it any more. You just have to realize that this person is completely hopeless and that they are trying to destroy you. No matter what they say, look at their actions. They literally want to ruin you every day. It does not benefit you at all to be in a relationship with that person.

[ogopogodude]

Thank you Santa. I really liked your reply. 

It sounds a little odd but I think that I will print put quite a few of the posts and replies here so that I can simply re-read and remind myself of the advice that I receive here on this site. It certainly gives me strength to keep going in the right direction.   

[ShadowDancer]

I also think that rape is not the correct vernacular in this case. Far from it, as rape is strictly without consent.

Perhaps "stripped" would be appropriate.

Dignity and self worth are both inner states that cannot be taken away although both can certainly be surrendered.

The farther out I get the more I realize there was not a single thing that I detrimentally lost to the pwPD that I was not willing to sacrifice.

As I did, stay angry for as long as it serves you in your recovery, but real internal resolution and peace for me occurred when I admitted my own complicit acquiescence to the end results.

"I did then what I knew how to do. Now that I know better I do better". Maya Angelou

[ogopogodude]

Yes, ... I think that "stripped" is a better term. Maybe it just sounds more dramatic to use the "r" word.  So, ... from now on I will reference what I went thru as: "My dignity and self-worth were attacked and attempted to be stripped from me, by my spouse"

[goldylamont]

well i will admit that i felt "raped" in the same way. i don't want to cheapen the term though as i am a man and can never fully empathize with a woman who has undergone this type of abuse. but yes in a way the word 'rape' was the closest i could come to describing how i felt during the brunt of the betrayal. i think i identified with the word because i felt i was being ambushed by hatred and emotional/sexual malevolence. i understood that i wasn't the cause of it. and i was trapped because really there was nothing i could do about it. it's tough because really as a man you are left powerless--you can't and don't want to attack them physically and attacking them emotionally is usually something they want to justify their own behaviors. the only solution is to leave and try to heal on your own, which is doubly hard when someone is around with a vendetta to devalue and abuse you. it is what it is. it sucked though, feeling like there was nothing i could do in this situation--whereas normally i could use my strength and fight back i had to channel my strength in different directions to gain some kind of indifference. very difficult to do.

[fromheeltoheal]

No, rape is not the right word.

What she did to me can be called belittlement, disrespect, condescension, abuse, accusation, projection, emasculation, manipulation, humiliation, disregard, lying, I could go on, but you get the picture.

The loss of self-esteem and self-confidence are what I did to myself, because I made her matter. 

She talked about killing herself all the time, bet it happens sooner rather than later, the world will be a better place.

But no, rape is the wrong word.

[musicfan42]

No, rape is not the right word.

What she did to me can be called belittlement, disrespect, condescension, abuse, accusation, projection, emasculation, manipulation, humiliation, disregard, lying, I could go on, but you get the picture.

Agreed. I think the term "rape" should only be used to refer to the actual crime itself. I think that sensitivity needs to be shown to sexual assault victims.

[ScotisGone74]

Okay, now that we've agreed we won't use rape as a descriptor here.   I think I 'll go with emotionally sodomized. 

[fromheeltoheal]

Agreed. I think the term "rape" should only be used to refer to the actual crime itself. I think that sensitivity needs to be shown to sexual assault victims.

"Abusive or improper treatment; violation" is also a definition of rape, as is "the act of seizing and carrying off by force; abduction", although obviously forced sex is the main one.  I suppose rape could be used in my case, but "physical, emotional and psychological abuse" just says it better to me, along with the ones I mentioned.

[Changingman]

I also think that rape is not the correct vernacular in this case. Far from it, as rape is strictly without consent.

Perhaps "stripped" would be appropriate.

Dignity and self worth are both inner states that cannot be taken away although both can certainly be surrendered.

The farther out I get the more I realize there was not a single thing that I detrimentally lost to the pwPD that I was not willing to sacrifice.

As I did, stay angry for as long as it serves you in your recovery, but real internal resolution and peace for me occurred when I admitted my own complicit acquiescence to the end results.

"I did then what I knew how to do. Now that I know better I do better". Maya Angelou

I agree with this, we were slowly asked for everything and asked to take abuse, each time we said no... .punishment... .each time we agreed... .rewarded.

Does this make sense to anyone's FOO?

Something's can be taken and something's cannot, remember the happiness she felt when you agreed to something you were kind of uncomfortable with? There it was that moment of domination! Remember when you stood firm and she looked at you with our hate, or raged, or kept quiet and went out and had sex with someone ( unknown to us ), or that flirting to make you jealous and keep you in line, or that sadistic smile when she had you and humiliated you.

Yep some things have to be surrendered.

Demons walked amongst us.

Be gone foul beast

[Changingman]

DUDE,

Don't be too hard on yourself.  I think if most of us knew that the person we were dating had BPD, and all of its related symptoms, we would not have gone any further.  I do understand about having one's dignity taken.  For me, I think enforcing my boundaries will prevent that in the future.  In the beginning of the r/s, mine would be critical of everything from my clothing to my choice of aftershave lotion.  At first I though it was a mothering instinct, and it may have been, but what does that say about me if  continue to let it happen and not enforce some boundaries?  I recall putting up a defense, and things would get testy, but if it got too hot, I backed off for fear of false domestic violence allegations.  I sometimes walked away, but in the end, it just prolonged the agony.  Ultimately, I had to leave.  It was difficult and gut wrenching.  I need to forgive me. 

So I guess you did the best you could in the time and place you were at.  We cannot beat BPD... .most shrinks cannot beat it either.  We need to forgive ourselves and believe that we did the best we could.  Good luck, and Merry Christmas.

Right on Ivan,

But

It may have been mothering instinct? Come on. You're better than that, I've assumed the worst in all situations and it has proved correct. Mine was on the psychotic side of the spectrum, but would it be such a problem if they didn't act on this disfunction all the time. It builds up one betrayal after another one rage after another building and building. The picture of Dorian Grey by Oscar Wilde may be about a person with BPD.

The man a perfectly respectable facade and in the attic a picture of the monster his actual actions have made him.

“The borderline patient is a therapist’s nightmare… because borderlines never really get better. The best you can do is help them coast, without getting sucked into their pathology. At first glance, they look normal, sometimes even supernormal, holding down high-pressure jobs and excelling.

But they walk a constant tightrope between madness and sanity, unable to form relationships, incapable of achieving insight, never free from a deep, corroding sense of worthlessness and rage that spills over, inevitably, into self-destruction.