depression, anxiety... started drinking last night and texted her

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Well christmas has been really strange. I had a great christmas night but my mind really was thinking about my ex pretty often. I got really depressed yesterday... .started drinking and got really wasted last night. I texted her... .said the following: "

I´m still not ok with our splitup, and this is my last text ever to you... .see you in another life"

pretty silly... no reply from her. I have anxiety disorder and have been really struggling today... .I don´t want to be with her but somehow at the end of this year I just am looking back... .It´s been really painful... .

But I guess I´m on the right track... .but feeling pretty miserable right now

[tomjon78]

Well christmas has been really strange. I had a great christmas night but my mind really was thinking about my ex pretty often. I got really depressed yesterday... .started drinking and got really wasted last night. I texted her... .said the following: "

I´m still not ok with our splitup, and this is my last text ever to you... .see you in another life"

pretty silly... no reply from her. I have anxiety disorder and have been really struggling today... .I don´t want to be with her but somehow at the end of this year I just am looking back... .It´s been really painful... .

But I guess I´m on the right track... .but feeling pretty miserable right now

[fromheeltoheal]

No, getting drunk and texting her is not the right track, but learning from it can be.

I did a bunch of drinking after I left her, fortunately stayed away from the computer and the phone, but drinking doesn't work, we know that, it just provides temporary relief and has consequences of it's own.  So feel free to beat yourself up, but set a time limit, say 15 minutes, and then use the experience to redouble your effort in detaching healthfully, if that's your goal.

Ask yourself:

What was I thinking before I started drinking and before I texted?

What can I do next time to navigate those emotions without needing to numb them?

Who do I need to show up as so I can healthfully detach and move towards a compelling future without her?

The Holidays can be tough, they come with lots of emotional content in all directions, and because of that they can provide emotional check-ins to where we are with detaching and moving towards compelling futures; it's going to be a Happy New Year!

[love4meNOTu]

Nah, don't be so hard on yourself. It's understandable and happened to me in November.

Attachments take time to form in normal people, and take time to dissolve, in normal people.

So take heart, you are not disordered. 

But I would suggest staying away from alcohol, I have for months until that day in November.

Been right where you are... know it hurts.

L

[babyspook]

Did the same thing here.  One month into our 5th split-up and going NC, I drunk texted her, "I still love you".  Ugh!  Why did I text her what I was feeling?  Stupid!  Anyway, I got no response either because unbeknownst to me at the time, she blocked my phone number during her "painting me black" tirade.  When she finally unblocked me, she got the text and showed up at my front door shortly thereafter for Round #6.  Fun times!

[LilMissSunshine]

Awh don't beat yourself up.  I've done that too and learned my lesson.  If you feel like sending a message try, try, try to wait till the next day, especially if your drinking.  Trust me if you "wait" you "won't."     Detaching is super hard.

[sirensong65]

We have ALL been where you are.  I drank maybe twice a year before I met "him".  In one year, I can't tell you how many times I have been hammered over this relationship.

And I did the same thing Christmas night and received an "I'm sorry...   ".  No you aren't, you have already moved on like you did countless times before.

We have hearts, we love deeply, we invested ourselves in a relationship with a soulless person.  I am convinced of that.  I have cried my self silly, lost 15 lbs. let my house go, didn't cook for my teen kids for a month cause I couldn't keep food down, neglected my job...  NO MORE!  I am at the ANGRY STAGE.  This ass clown has milked me of enough of my life force.

Next time you feel like drinking and texting her, think of what you could be doing to improve your own life... then go do it.  For me, I am getting more and more into fitness.  I let myself go a little bit when we were together because he never wanted to do a damn thing but watch TV and eat.  I'm thinking the best revenge is for them to see you didn't just SURVIVE, you are THRIVING without them.

He was a cancer.  He was a cheater.  He was a liar... still is as he refuses to admit even when the truth is tossed in his face.

I knew something wasn't right and that I did nothing wrong in the relationship.   He bolted when things were stable and good... he couldn't handle it.  He ran his mouth too much about the exes and gave me all the info I needed to look them up on Facebook.  And look them up I did, and boy did they sing like canaries.  He has a track record and not a good one.

I'm keeping my page public on facebook.  I want to available for the next poor soul he betrays so I can reassure her, it has nothing to do with you, honey.  He's sick.

Chin up! They aren't worth it.  You fell in love with a character, someone they portray to lure you in.  Cause the ugly they are would never do it.  Mourn the fact that it wasn't real, you got taken for a ride, learn the lesson and move forward better and wiser than before.

[Iwalk-Heruns]

It's understandable. We all do things we shouldn't in response to the extreme pain that this has inflicted.

Just wanted to mention. My therapist brought up the concept of drinking causing what's called a Double Depression. It's not good. First discard I was drinking wine every night till she told me about this. I was so depressed. Once I found that out I stopped and things became a world better. It's when I started to heal and started doing productive things like Excersize... .

[tomjon78]

Hi everyone... .been been at home and really depressed but moving on and feeling better. I have been doing a lot of progress the last months but somehow it all just was so overwhelming all of a sudden this christmas.

I guess progress is an ups and down scale and I really am looking forward for this year to come to an end. It´s been one of the worst in my life. This break up with a woman who I was only with for a year and half was so difficult. No one has had such an influence on me.

But I´m proud of getting out... .I´m proud of being able to move on with my life. She hurt me, emotionally, financially and I´ve been through a lot this year.

But I really loved her... .she was my best friend, so beautiful, so spontanious, so energetic... .but at the same time she had so many problems she didn´t see... .I´m thankful for getting out. It could have been a lot worse.

I will cut down on the drinking from no on and I hope I sent the last text ever. It will be some time before I am myself again. I have been diagnosed with ptsd (post dramatic stress disorder). But I won´t ever ever go back to the land of BPD.

I summarize my rs with my ex. : so much bliss and even more pain. Such a bad mix of emotions.

[Iwalk-Heruns]

I'm sorry for your pain Tomjon.

Please try not to beat yourself up about the text and no response which can be so hurtful from someone you love so much and someone who professed to love you, best friends and all that goes with that. I know. I went on somewhat of texting spree for a few weeks after he just basically vanished and never a response from him. Except to call the police on me. So a text is really nothing to feel bad about. It is so understandable. The need for answers and contact of some sort is so very excruciating.

The most difficult part of all this I think is the contradiction between the absolutely blissful times you had and the absolute pain. It's like being ripped between heaven and hell constantly.

The time together doesn't matter. It's the intensity of the love you felt that is the real guage.

Like your subtitle goes. Life goes on. It sucks sometimes but it does go on. Things will get better. Unfortunately, I have been through this twice with him now and it takes more time to heal than we would like but it is what it is.

Here's hoping you have, we all have, a better 2014... .

[tomjon78]

Really don´t know what´s going on... .I´m so depressed... .feeling alone. Almost having dark thoughts... .It´s nighttime and i´m freaking out.

[Cardinals in Flight]

Tomjon stop what you're doing right now and take some really slow deep breaths.  Sounds silly but trust me, I have been and am nightly where you are right now.  Close your eyes and think of a wonderful place that has NOTHING to do w the X... .give it several minutes, try to breathe through this, you can do it.

(())

CiF

[atcrossroads]

Hang in there, Tomjon!  It is rough (I am having a rough time myself tonight and been out since Feb, separated over a year!), but you are doing the right thing!  Despite the bliss, love is not supposed to hurt and be so toxic - it's unhealthy.  It gets easier in time and then you will have moments, but focusing on some of the horrible moments with her can help shift you back over to where you need to be -- away from her.     

[UnLuckyLady]

I'm exactly where you are  Tomjon... .alone, ruminating about the most amazing times of my life.  It would help me soo much just to talk to someone who understands.  Who has been right where I'm at.  No friends around... .just a.phone call from someone would help.  I get it Tomjon... .We all do

[damage control]

Hey TomJon

I am sorry that you are hurting so much at the moment.

I want to say this feeling will pass - and it will - but I understand this doesn't help you right this moment.

I struggle with suicidal stuff nearly every day - I always have, well, as long as I can remember. Most days it's just a corner of my mind but sometimes, usually at night, it is overwhelming ... the desire to just fall into the black seems like bliss.

I used to act on this stuff ... unsuccessfully obviously as here I sit, typing to you. But I no longer act, I cry and I do whatever it takes to put myself to sleep because it is always, ALWAYS less engulfing in the morning.

It can be helpful to see a doctor - one to get a diagnosis on depression, if you are not already on meds it might be helpful - but also to get something to help you relax, unwind and sleep - at least in the short term.

Peace my friend.

[damage control]

I'm exactly where you are  Tomjon... .alone, ruminating about the most amazing times of my life.  It would help me soo much just to talk to someone who understands.  Who has been right where I'm at.  No friends around... .just a.phone call from someone would help.  I get it Tomjon... .We all do

Sorry that you are also feeling this way unluckylady ...

These breakups take a chunk of your soul with them and we sit wondering why we feel so empty and bleak.

I hope there is somebody that you can call? What country are you in?

[Grissum69]

And I did the same thing Christmas night and received an "I'm sorry...   ".  No you aren't, you have already moved on like you did countless times before.

Ah yes been there and doing it now...   again I mean but I don't drink to get drunk I get out of the house so the walls don't close in on me.  I didn't get a "I'm sorry" this year it's been silent since last week which really isn't that long.   But ...    with time I eventually will get out of this hole I'm in and regain myself again.

[sirensong65]

Tomjon:

I understand fully where you are.  He blew us off almost an exact year to the day.  Last year was the happiest Christmas I have had in YEARS.  This year I wanted to be sedated until 2014.  I'm in agony, my friends thought they might have to do an intervention because they have NEVER witnessed the behavior I have displayed.  I have never been a drinker, always the rock for others with the tough love talk.

Two weeks after he blew the relationship off as if we had never lived together, or been engaged, or had been best friends and lovers, I had not slept for days, started having panic attacks, drinking heavily.  I felt like I was telling myself to go walk onto the highway near my home at 3am.  I clearly heard my own voice say, 'put on your shoes and take a walk... " only I then envisioned myself walking the the highway and walking calmly into on coming traffic.  It scared the hell out of me and I called a friend immediately and said, I need help, I'm losing it.  That was bottom.

Know that I am a 48 year old professional woman who is well known in my community, a mother and soon to be grandmother, well respected and luckily I have an enormous circle that is holding me up.

I have been strong and independent all my life and this one year relationship has made me crazy, I never felt any of this in my divorce after 12 years of marriage.

I eat, sleep and drink info on BPD now.  It is the only thing that soothes my soul.  And night time for me is the worst as well.  We held hands til we fell asleep every night. WE were the couple everyone envied.

I thought at last, I got it right.

No one can come through this and not be changed.

You aren't alone...   Dear Lord, just look at all of us on this board.

And the experts say only 1% of the population is BPD.  I think that is very understated...

[UnLuckyLady]

Thank you DC... .

Im in the US.  You?

[damage control]

I'm in Australia UL

I was going to offer to call but that's probably not so do-able ...

[UnLuckyLady]

Honestly at this point... .I'd be willing to pay for the call .  It's wacky I know... .and I do appreciate your offer 

[santa]

Don't beat yourself up about it. I'm sure we've all done it. I know I have. Just don't keep doing it.

Drinking only makes you feel worse. Smoke some weed or something.

[tomjon78]

Hi all

I´m feeling a little bit better... .had a rough night. I didn´t sleep much but woke up quite better and I guess it´s now just focusing and realizing it was a bad night.

[heartandwhole]

tomjon,

I'm so sorry.  This is so hard, and I can relate to your feelings.  The dark, hopeless times feel like they will never leave.  These feelings really do pass.  I didn't believe that either, but they did. 

Another practice that may help besides deep breaths is to focus intently on one of your senses... .maybe the feel of a blanket under your hand, the the cool air passing through one nostril.  It sounds wacky, but it will refocus your mind, if even for half a minute.

Please keep writing to us, let your feelings out.  We're listening. 

[irishmarmot]

Hi, don't beat yourself up for texing, ending a relationship is a process.  It takes time, for me; I have disconnected my phone and changed my email address.  Hopefully that will give me some time to disconnect and gain perspective.  I am in therapy and I have learned that all of my relationships with women had BPD traits to one degree or another.   And this all goes back to my mother.  LA was over top though, a textbook example of BPD.  What I have learned about myself will in end make the relationship I had with her a good life lesson.