Hi - Thank you all for the feedback.
The way you speak of your wife, you sound furious and like you are in a power struggle and have zero respect for her. Ultimatums seldom work in the way you hope they will.
Zencat, it is probably true that I have little respect for her now. I love her and I will support her, but respect is earned through actions. And she has to start taking responsibility for the consequences of her actions. Her anger builds over small things - some my fault, some no one's fault - and she actively nurses them to feel vindicated in her accusations. She lets the resentment build, and then she makes a bad decision (alcohol) and it explodes. She is mentally ill and avoiding some of these things is going to take work with ups and downs, but she can't adbicate all responsibility.
In terms of ultimatums, alcohol is not something I will negotiate. She is not an alcoholic, it just lowers her inhibition to uncontrollable anger. We have had 3 separate times where the police could have arrested her and all 3 involved alcohol. If she decides she needs to drink, I will leave her. It's not an issue now. She understands now. It's 3 months from now when this incident is in the past that it will have to remain firmly in place.
Waverider - Alcohol is the only one real boundary I know. She will try to eat away at this one - just one drink at dinner, etc. But until she can control her anger when sober, it's out of the question. And that could a very long time.
We talked today. In the past, I was the fixer. I would repair what was broken and make endless suggestions about what she should do - set up a dr. appointment, go to the gym, take a shower, get out of the house. I told her I was done with that today. It's her responsibility to fix herself and the damage she caused. I will support her in whatever she chooses. But I am out of the fixing other people business because I'm really crappy at it.
She has taken back a gift I gave her for Christmas and is replacing our daughter's with the return money. It's a good start. She also broke her phone - I just found out about that. I've replaced two broken phones - not cheap - so it's her responsibility to figure out how to do this.
I have already taken steps to call every friend I've disconnected with and start making plans. I'm not going to become Mr. Social and freak her out, but I am taking steps to see people again and take care of myself. This is going to be a boundary, one that I've tried in the past but not enforced well enough.
Finally - I know she isn't the only one that has work to do. I do have to work on my validation/communication skills to help her get through the rough spots without making them worse.
Seneca - (By the way, awesome name and my favorite philosopher.) Yes, I am documenting this and have the photos. This is tricky when you're dealing with someone with intense abandonment issues. I anticipate next week that she'll be start asking whether I've seen a lawyer, did I just come back from the lawyer, etc. She knows I'm documenting it now, she saw me take the photos. So I have to be honest about that, without triggering her to think I have one foot out the door. I don't, but I have to take care of my daughter and me.
Again, today it's not so much an issue... .but as this incident becomes less fresh in her mind, and the BPD/abandonment traits start taking over, then I'll have to learn how to deal with why I'm documenting it in a way that doesn't make her dysregulate.
Thanks all. Any feedback welcome.
