Back here again

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Ahhh it's that time of the year, month, life where I've been shut out completely - this time it feels permanent though - like seriously permanent.  It all started over me losing my temper over what at first appeared to be nothing - it was late and I was exhausted from working around her house all day tiling as well as going to a local fair after all that and I had been kept up till 2:00 am the night before because there is nowhere for me to sleep (we aren't intimate any more but simply treated as her "friend" even though I'm treated like a husband and her sister is living with her and staying in the spare bedroom).  When we came home she and her son watched TV for like 2 or 3 hours and then I thought they would go to bed at midnight when whatever they were watching ended but she then asks him if he wants to watch a movie (he's nine).  So in disbelief I go "seriously?" and she was like "yeah what's the big deal?" and I just said "I'm going home, I'm exhausted" - it's an hour drive home.  Her sister was supposed to be going into the city but I knew she was waffling on it and my ex had actually kicked her out for the weekend earlier when they had a fight over my ex abusing their mother and she had hit her as well (this all transpired earlier in the day and is not atypical of her behaviour at all).

So then she over reacts and tells me I am no longer welcome there and to never come back.  Seriously?  She then asks why I'm "ruining" a perfectly good weekend to which I blurt out "why are you ruining my life?" and as I'm walking down the hall I hear her right behind me say "ooh I'd like to punch you right in the face!".  So I turn around and say "seriously.  You wanna punch me in the face? Well go ahead and do it then.  I'm right here - take your best shot."  So of course she doesn't because it's all talk and bluster.  So I get in the car and I even came back to try and settle things after a few minutes but she's adamant we're no longer even friends.  Her sister said my name from upstairs while all this is happening but didn't say any more so I don't know what her position was.

Anyway I was the one who tried to get her to calm down a few days later and in one conversation she was civil and acted like nothing had happened and in the second one she went off on me again and I hung up and we haven't spoken since.  I sent her a text message on Christmas day but she hasn't even had the decency to respond.

It's been 6 years of us starting out as bf/gf with her rushing in way way too fast for a normal person and it freaked me out and of course was unsustainable.  But over time she has said she wants me in her life but just as a friend as she proceeds to use me as a husband with no sex or intimacy but doing odd jobs around the house, shopping together, going to her parents house for dinner, grass cutting etc.  I'm just so tired of being used and not having a normal healthy reciprocating relationship.

Why do I feel guilty?  I just snapped because she had been abusive to me all day with little passive aggressive barbs at me and kept asking what was wrong with me at the fair when there was nothing at all wrong - it's like she did it all on purpose.  Normally she makes up some lie to her parents when I lose my temper because she doesn't want to have to take any responsibility for her actions - I wish she would just tell the truth - so what I yelled because we had an argument.  I've never threatened her - I don't believe in that.  I think she's turned it around that I was abusive to her (just a sneaking suspicion) because of how she was acting when I was trying to calm her down that night (she started saying stuff like I see why your relationships don't work out etc. and started moving a hammer away from my feet as if I was a threat to her but I made no indication of any of that and it was the exact opposite of what I was trying to do - just have a calm discussion (after we yelled at each other).  She recently told me she's "afraid" of me - when it was her who threatened physical violence not me and I have never threatened her physically nor been physical with her.

I have been really good for the past almost three months.  My head, as always following a separation with her, is clear.  I haven't been bothered too much by thoughts of her even though she, and the incident, are still stuck in my mind a fair bit here and there.  It's just been really really hard at Christmas because I somehow still miss her, her son, her dog, and her family.  Unfortunately I feel she used these people to play on my attachment so she could control me which is why she never sees my family (she one time said something to me that she won't see them because she doesn't want to deal with missing them following a breakup - as if this was inevitable).  I'm still angry about being used and don't understand how she can be so callous towards someone who loved her dearly and did so much for her all the while her not reciprocating equally back.  I'm even more mad at myself for allowing it to go on at all and for so long.  I'm not a naive person and I don't have low self esteem (most consider me very tough) so how could I have allowed myself to be used and abused by her for so long?   I believe it's because I somehow felt sorry for her because her life is a mess and she is hated by so many but she clearly doesn't know any better and can't see her role in her own relationship drama.

I've also been trying very hard to slowly eliminate myself from her life and she has interpreted this as me being "unreliable" - as if I somehow owe her anything anyway - but in reality I've just been limiting my time with her, as she says, as a "friend".  I can only do short periods of time - like a day maybe two, otherwise I feel trapped and can't do any of the things I want to do - like even go for a run without there being some kind of guilt trip or something.  So she interprets my increasing independence and time limiting as being "unreliable".  How ungrateful.

[Awesome Jim]

Ahhh it's that time of the year, month, life where I've been shut out completely - this time it feels permanent though - like seriously permanent.  It all started over me losing my temper over what at first appeared to be nothing - it was late and I was exhausted from working around her house all day tiling as well as going to a local fair after all that and I had been kept up till 2:00 am the night before because there is nowhere for me to sleep (we aren't intimate any more but simply treated as her "friend" even though I'm treated like a husband and her sister is living with her and staying in the spare bedroom).  When we came home she and her son watched TV for like 2 or 3 hours and then I thought they would go to bed at midnight when whatever they were watching ended but she then asks him if he wants to watch a movie (he's nine).  So in disbelief I go "seriously?" and she was like "yeah what's the big deal?" and I just said "I'm going home, I'm exhausted" - it's an hour drive home.  Her sister was supposed to be going into the city but I knew she was waffling on it and my ex had actually kicked her out for the weekend earlier when they had a fight over my ex abusing their mother and she had hit her as well (this all transpired earlier in the day and is not atypical of her behaviour at all).

So then she over reacts and tells me I am no longer welcome there and to never come back.  Seriously?  She then asks why I'm "ruining" a perfectly good weekend to which I blurt out "why are you ruining my life?" and as I'm walking down the hall I hear her right behind me say "ooh I'd like to punch you right in the face!".  So I turn around and say "seriously.  You wanna punch me in the face? Well go ahead and do it then.  I'm right here - take your best shot."  So of course she doesn't because it's all talk and bluster.  So I get in the car and I even came back to try and settle things after a few minutes but she's adamant we're no longer even friends.  Her sister said my name from upstairs while all this is happening but didn't say any more so I don't know what her position was.

Anyway I was the one who tried to get her to calm down a few days later and in one conversation she was civil and acted like nothing had happened and in the second one she went off on me again and I hung up and we haven't spoken since.  I sent her a text message on Christmas day but she hasn't even had the decency to respond.

It's been 6 years of us starting out as bf/gf with her rushing in way way too fast for a normal person and it freaked me out and of course was unsustainable.  But over time she has said she wants me in her life but just as a friend as she proceeds to use me as a husband with no sex or intimacy but doing odd jobs around the house, shopping together, going to her parents house for dinner, grass cutting etc.  I'm just so tired of being used and not having a normal healthy reciprocating relationship.

Why do I feel guilty?  I just snapped because she had been abusive to me all day with little passive aggressive barbs at me and kept asking what was wrong with me at the fair when there was nothing at all wrong - it's like she did it all on purpose.  Normally she makes up some lie to her parents when I lose my temper because she doesn't want to have to take any responsibility for her actions - I wish she would just tell the truth - so what I yelled because we had an argument.  I've never threatened her - I don't believe in that.  I think she's turned it around that I was abusive to her (just a sneaking suspicion) because of how she was acting when I was trying to calm her down that night (she started saying stuff like I see why your relationships don't work out etc. and started moving a hammer away from my feet as if I was a threat to her but I made no indication of any of that and it was the exact opposite of what I was trying to do - just have a calm discussion (after we yelled at each other).  She recently told me she's "afraid" of me - when it was her who threatened physical violence not me and I have never threatened her physically nor been physical with her.

I have been really good for the past almost three months.  My head, as always following a separation with her, is clear.  I haven't been bothered too much by thoughts of her even though she, and the incident, are still stuck in my mind a fair bit here and there.  It's just been really really hard at Christmas because I somehow still miss her, her son, her dog, and her family.  Unfortunately I feel she used these people to play on my attachment so she could control me which is why she never sees my family (she one time said something to me that she won't see them because she doesn't want to deal with missing them following a breakup - as if this was inevitable).  I'm still angry about being used and don't understand how she can be so callous towards someone who loved her dearly and did so much for her all the while her not reciprocating equally back.  I'm even more mad at myself for allowing it to go on at all and for so long.  I'm not a naive person and I don't have low self esteem (most consider me very tough) so how could I have allowed myself to be used and abused by her for so long?   I believe it's because I somehow felt sorry for her because her life is a mess and she is hated by so many but she clearly doesn't know any better and can't see her role in her own relationship drama.

I've also been trying very hard to slowly eliminate myself from her life and she has interpreted this as me being "unreliable" - as if I somehow owe her anything anyway - but in reality I've just been limiting my time with her, as she says, as a "friend".  I can only do short periods of time - like a day maybe two, otherwise I feel trapped and can't do any of the things I want to do - like even go for a run without there being some kind of guilt trip or something.  So she interprets my increasing independence and time limiting as being "unreliable".  How ungrateful.

[willtimeheal]

Awesome I am so sorry.  You have to do what is best for you. You deserve someone who will treat you with love and respect. You can't fix her... .She is mentally ill.  She plays on and manipulates your emotions. You have nothing to feel guilty about... .walk away.  Other  is someone better out there who will give you the love and attention you deserve.  Don't contact her or play her game any longer... .go NC.

[Awesome Jim]

Thanks WillTimeHeal - I did something this year I've never done when we had had a fight prior to the holiday season which is no contact before, no getting her son something and asking if it's ok, and no saying sorry. 

Honestly I've always tried to be reconciliatory at Christmas and it has always precipitated a re-engagement of our relationship.  It's strange - I've come to the point where I would like to actually be friends and maybe see her a few times a year or something but I always allow myself to get roped back in to every weekend almost.

This year is the first time I haven't in six years.  My therapist will be very happy.  It doesn't make me happy though.  I have convinced myself it is best for me but it honestly doesn't exactly feel like it just yet.

[willtimeheal]

I am not sure if you can be friends at this time. Maybe in the future but not right now.  You have to put yourself and your needs first and as long as she is in the picture (at this time) it doesn't seem that you can do that. Friendship like a relationship is a two way street... .It is also based on trust honesty and love. It doesn't sound as if she is capable of those things on any type of relationship level. Do you really want or need people like that in your life?

I do understand to some extent. My BPD has two children. I love them dearly and that was the reason I kept going back.  And she knew she could always get to me if the kids needed anything.  My BPD was emotionally abusive and it took me four years to finally see what I allowed her to do to me. She shred my self esteem took my confidence and isolated me from friends and family. I always felt guilty and like I never did enough... .truth was I did everything.  Finally I stepped away and have been in counseling for over a year and a half. It was when I stepped away and focused solely on me I learned to set boundaries and stand up for myself. My BPD are trying to work it out but she knows where I stand and what I will not tolerate. I am a stronger better person now.

So in my long rambling all I can say is maybe you need to step away, get some air, focus on you for a.bit, and then decide what to do. Just my two cents.

[free-n-clear]

  Awesome Jim, I tried the friends thing. She said I was her "best friend in the world". Didn't just tell me that, told her kids, her family. All it meant was that I was still there to cop the rages and lies, and provide emotional and financial support, and when she wanted to get laid, she'd go and see my (former)mate.

    I've tried to quote something patientandclear said from another thread but can't work out how. (cross threaded?) so I'll just type it:

" Friendship = you keep giving me what you always have, and I can be as present or as absent as I want at any given time, with no rules or accountability, and no matter what I do, you've already given me permission."

   

    That's pretty much what your friendship would mean to her. You deserve better, Jim. We all do.  

[Awesome Jim]

Thanks WillTimeHeal - perhaps that is true but we've been in "friends" status for about five of the past six years and every time I'm called a "friend" she takes liberties and pulls me in more and more and just takes advantage. It's all her all the time. I think this is a permanent break. My therapist didn't think so but I've never seen her react quite as final before (actually I have) but somehow it feels more permanent. It's not a bad thing.

Thanks for the quote free'n'clear. It's exactly how I feel my ex feels about me. I've dated other women and she always manages to interfere somehow and treat me as her property. My therapist pointed that out to me one time - that she thinks I'm her property and it really hit home that this was true and that this isn't love but rather control by abuse.

[Aussie0zborn]

Most definitely control by abuse. I hope you find your self worth and permanently break free from this.