How come she's just ill when we're at home?

[hergestridge]

I've been doing some thinking over the holidays. We (me, my BPDw and my 3yr old daughter) has spent christmas with my extended family and what what has struck me is that my wife is a total success socially. She charms the pants of everyone and runs the proceedings. I hardly get to talk to my relatives myself. She's also very talkative towards me, wants to hug me and stuff. Great patience with the daughter

Once we're back home it's back to normal. Ice cold, embarrasing silence. No patience with the girl. Leave me alone, I'm watching TV, there's nothing to talk about.

For as long as I remember she's been this way and I kind of never get used to it. Her dad (now in his 70s) is exactly the same. My wife used to mention this, mocking her dad for his bizarre behavior of being "addicted" to dinner parties and social gatherings, being almost phobic toward meeting people alone (much to the pain and embarrasment of his wife). Now my wife is basically the same.

Anyway, this is a problem in at least two ways. Firstly, she obviously hates family life and life alone with me. It puts a lot of stress on her and she seems to enjoy herself immensely once she gets to be the centre of attention of a large group of people. So why isn't she where she's happy? And why can't she admit the problem? She says she enjoys the weekdays when she's at work and hates the weekends when she's to be home with us (me and the daughter). She doesn't even hear how cruel and sad it sounds, because she adds an "... .but I love you!".

Second, people must think I'm the problem. To the the outside world nothing that happens in our home is visible. When we visit other people as a couple, my wife must seems to be the healthy one. I propably come across as terribly depressed because I'm practically ready to explode from anger because of the theatre show she's putting on (at least that's what it is to me - she was another person before we got out of the car). Some friends know because they know about the hospitalizations, the Lithium and the extra care I'm taking of the girl. But most people are getting the totally wrong impression.

I know that BPD is an illness that affect the ability to maintain close relations, but has anyone successfully discussed this issue with their SO/wife/husband and managed to make a change?

Sometime I think that perhaps it would be better if I left her and she would only have casual friends. She's good to them and she can handle those kind of relations. But I know she won't give up our daughter, and she goes really *cold* towards our little daughter sometimes, and that makes me so sad.

(Holding dinner parties BTW is NOT the solution. Christmas meant many days of stressful preparations for my wife (which noone forced her into I might add) which meant she basically ignored both me and her daughter for an extended period of time. It's not like it's a casual thing, if you see what I mean... .))

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[joshbjoshb]

I am right there with you... .in fact, a major reason for me to stay in this marriage is to make sure my kids get a healthy father around them all them time... .I know some people will say "it's better they see a normal person 50% of the time than a dysfunctional situation all the time, but I beg to differ. If you learn how to handle the situation - and if you didn't it's time to read! there is much info and much work on yourself - it will be much better at home.

Sometimes I see my wife using words or rejection to my children, just like her mother uses, and my blood boils... .but I am right there, always with them, discussing with them and giving them support.

And yes, one day I will need to talk to them about their mother's condition. It will be done with love, and making sure they feel bad for her and not hating her, but they will need to hear it.

[copeland]

I sympathize with your situation - my undiagnosed fiance is similar - nice outside the home, but can be cold, distant, and isolating on her bad days.  It is not you and your daughter that are the only ones that she has issues with, it is everyone.  The difference is that she can show that side to you, and know that you will not think less of her or abandon her because of her actions - she cannot say the same of friends, who would be hurt and may sever ties if they got the isolating treatment she gives you.  My fiance always complains of having to go out to meet friends for lunch and coffee, as well as going to work and meetings for volunteer organizations she signed herself up for.  I think that given the choice, she would limit her social contact as much as she could, and would rarely interact with anyone; feeling that she would lose friends and would be seen in a negative light by her peers, she forces herself to be nice and outgoing in social situations she forces herself to go to.  In reality, it is a massive effort on her part to put on the "nice" act (which people see as genuine and love her for!), but most of the time she would rather not deal with people.  This goes from anything from parties and going out for drinks to going to a movie (cannot stand crowds).  She has also missed out on countless social engagements by coming up with a huge number of excuses, from fake migraines and doctor's appointments to bad weather conditions.  If it not were for the potential loss of public face and friends (that she does not want to deal with most of the time), others would get the same treatment as you do.  From what I have learned about BPD since I figured out this is what my fiance may have, individuals can't empathize and see the impact of their actions on others, nor can they see the double standards they possess, since they are solely focused on their own never-ending emotional needs and hurt that everyone (starting with you!) inflicts on them.  Just know that you are not alone - not only are others going through this, but so are her friends (they just don't know it! )

[waverider]

Just a thought. pwBPD lack a real sense of self and identity. Hence this is the reason they often make up facades and live in fear of being found out. With those not so close to them it is easy to keep up this facade and hide behind it like a suite of Armour. They feel secure and holding on to some kind of order.

With those close to them the facade doesn't hold up, you know this, they know this. The result is their defenses are compromised, they do not feel secure so self control is harder. They resent this feeling. They see you as the cause.

Many people who are control freaks fall apart when they can't be seen as to be in control. A facade of their choosing puts them in control

Does any of this seem applicable?

[hergestridge]

joshbjoshb:

I admire your strength! It's not easy. I try to do the best of our marriage. I'm not so sure a separation would be a good thing. I think I could handle my part of it, but I have no idea how my wife would deal with it. And when I say no idea I mean no idea. I have realized over time how unpredictable she is. When I'm on board she lets me be "captain" and take the bigger decision for some reason. And I can be there for my daughter when she needs me.

copeland:

In her more "unguarded" moments my wife has said that she doesn't care much for most people. She finds faults in everyone and everyone is on her "hitlist". And then all of a sudden she has a good day and then everyone's OK. It's all about her feelings and nothing about the people she meets. They're very self-contained people, aren't they?

waverider:

"Lacking a real sense of self and identity" seems totally applicable. Sometimes painfully so, because all those things that you or I would consider cornerstones of our persons (taste, memories, acquired knowledge, credentials, reputation etc) means absolutely nothing to her. She drops it at wayside like nothing. Everything can be changed, exchanged, forgotten or erased.

She doesn't view other people this way. Only herself.

Anyway, I understand that my wife doesn't like being "seen through" by me (as she's beeing at home). How can I cope with this? Home is very cold place to be right now. After my wife got BPD diagnosis and got into treatment she's been very unfcomfortable in my company. It's as if she's lost the little advantage she had.

[hergestridge]

I was thinking a bit more on the bit about not pwBPD not having a real sense of self or identity. I'm not sure if this statement is to be taken metaphorically or if they actually lack concept of self and identity. If the latter is the case, then that would explain pretty much why conventional therapy isn't working. There is no "self" to parttake in the therapy sessions. And the self-improvement books don't do ___, because there is no self to improve upon.

Identity - in my BPDwive's world - is not something you have, but something you wear like a garment. She loathes and mistrusts everyone with a colourful or outgoing personality and I've always thought it was out of jealousy. Now I realize that she just assumes that they're faking it, just like my wife does at parties.

The world is a wonderful place and my wife has no idea.

[waverider]

Identity - in my BPDwive's world - is not something you have, but something you wear like a garment. She loathes and mistrusts everyone with a colourful or outgoing personality and I've always thought it was out of jealousy. Now I realize that she just assumes that they're faking it, just like my wife does at parties.

The world is a wonderful place and my wife has no idea.

This is the sad truth, This is not like someone who is suddenly ill and wants to get better again. They probably have always been this way. They dont see, and never have seen, the world like we do. Hence they mistrust everything and everyone as being a facade they put up. They do not know any different. Its all lip service. Even therapy can be approached this way.

If therapy is taken seriously they are first of all forced to face what sense of self is, and their serious lack of it. This leaves them feeling exposed and even more of a failure, so yes, this stage can be quite traumatic until they start to learn rebuilding skills. The risk is they pack it in at this stage leaving them worse off.

It is important to seperate yourself from this otherwise you validate this negativity. The best you can do for yourself, and them is to stay on the sunnyside of the street. Let them see what is possible, but you can't make them look. Dont cross over to the dark side of the street in a misguided attempt to rescue them, or they will just stay there, and you wil hate being ther with them