Has anyone who is married to a BPD cheated?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Has anyone fallen in love with someone else and just because you have been " starved" emotionally from your BpD spouse and feel guilty about it? I know there is no justification for cheating but what if being with this kind of person has broken you done so much that you are not the same person you were before you were with this person? How do you forgive yourself or justify falling in love with someone who was able to fulfill your soul with all that has been stolen?

[nancyw1234]

Has anyone fallen in love with someone else and just because you have been " starved" emotionally from your BpD spouse and feel guilty about it? I know there is no justification for cheating but what if being with this kind of person has broken you done so much that you are not the same person you were before you were with this person? How do you forgive yourself or justify falling in love with someone who was able to fulfill your soul with all that has been stolen?

[Changingman]

I have, it's amazing how beautiful someone can look and feel who is basically kind.

Part of the control is to make sure you don't see what monsters they are by comparing them to others. This is why they hate good people around you.

[nancyw1234]

But how do you prevent it from happening again , once you see what a normal relationship looks like and how good it feels to be with someone who trully loves you?did you end up leaving the person with BPD? What happened to the person you feel in love with?

[Changingman]

Early days of a relationship aren't full on love, that's for BPD, tenderness and kindness and the sharing of friendship. Being abused is a hidious act. The FOG kept me wishing and hoping, lies and damn lies.

[theyMaySayThatImaDreamer]

    I am recently separated from someone with BPD after 11 years.  She had been cheating on me multiple times over the entire relationship.  I too feel cheated, empty, and broken.  But I have found some great friends, even ones I am attracted to, and I do feel guilty for "loving" them, but that is part of it all.  She destroyed many of my close relationships blaming them for something or saying they were terrible people or saying I was choosing them over her.

    In terms of you cheating, I don't advise it.  But this is coming from the one who was cheated on (many times).  Are you still trying to stay with this BPD person?  This person will make you feel bad about any good feeling you get from other people, especially if it threatens them or what they get out their relationship to you.  You deserve to be loved properly, healthily, but in my opinion, cheating won't do it, will only drive the wedge deeper, his/her blame of you deeper as well.

[Obibens]

Unfortunately, I have had multiple online/emotional affairs.  I'm not proud of it, but I have to say it's really hard to completely feel awful about them because you did get that moment of fullfillment - that feeling of having someone actually see you for you.

But the further I distance myself from them, the more I realize how deeply I felt about someone really just being nice, compassionate and interested in me.  At that kind of scares me.  I don't know if I'm staying or going yet, but I will have to be VERY careful about any relationships I might have if I left.  All I know now, is I have a lot of work to do, either way.

[Bulgakov]

I definitely feel this starvation for affection. If a girl is simply kind to me, the old me pops right out, as if it I can sense that I can be real with this person. It makes me miss myself. I have not been sexual with anyone else while I was with my stbexBPD, but I have 1 or 2 things that made me really ashamed. In hindsight, they probably weren't awful or as bad as what my pwBPD has done. They just made me question myself and and really focused my attention on this severe lack of safe affection that I crave with some nice girl.

[an0ught]

Hi nancyw1234,

Has anyone fallen in love with someone else and just because you have been " starved" emotionally from your BpD spouse and feel guilty about it? I know there is no justification for cheating but what if being with this kind of person has broken you done so much that you are not the same person you were before you were with this person? How do you forgive yourself or justify falling in love with someone who was able to fulfill your soul with all that has been stolen?

these things do happen although many people are not so open about it. And it is certainly a gut wrenching experience - realizing that you are not the person you were before - realizing that your commitments are not 100% bullet proof. Makes you question yourself and your view of the marriage very hard 

It may be worth reflecting on your values, what you have learned in the process, how you avoid it in the future and whether your own judgment is holding you to b&w standards, and on the price you already have paid in inner turmoil. Compassion for yourself is sometimes not easy in such a situation but eventual there needs to be forgiveness.

[rj47]

Has anyone fallen in love with someone else and just because you have been " starved" emotionally from your BpD spouse and feel guilty about it? I know there is no justification for cheating but what if being with this kind of person has broken you done so much that you are not the same person you were before you were with this person? How do you forgive yourself or justify falling in love with someone who was able to fulfill your soul with all that has been stolen?

Fallen in love? No. To do so would have been the end and highly suspect, as in; am I really in love with this new person? Could they instead be a temporary placeholder for all that I ever wanted?  She accuses me regularly of wanting to replace her with a younger hotter woman. Huh? Simple acceptance and something close to "normal" would be nirvana regardless of attraction.

Came close to sexual infidelity, but some things just won't happen. Besides, many of us men have strong sexual attraction to our BPD SO.

[Seneca]

had a "strong crush" on another man years ago. but frick, he was the first guy to pay me any attention in half a decade at that point. but since then (he found out - oh lord!) i am watched like a hawk. everyone (regardless of gender, age, marital status) is a suspect. i think part of his BPD has been an idealization of my appearance or attractiveness. i mean, he don't ever want it/ me, but he is convinced that if i turned up single people would be tripping over themselves to get to me. i always said he had "love goggles" (like beer goggles, only you know... ), but that's before i realized he was sick with something specific. i CANNOT get away with anything... . he is VERY paranoid. i can't talk to men, or women for that matter. he often accuses me of being a lesbian too. hello? we've had sex at LEAST 1000 times, i think you'd know if i were into women.

WHATEVER!

how do you get over an emotional affair? it depends on your morals and values. in my mind, there is no justification for that type of betrayal. even if you pwBPD has done it to you, in addition to betraying your heart. we, as healthy people, have to take the moral high ground i feel. to keep ourselves safe, removing temptations is a good start. if you feel you NEED to have that connection with someone, then i think the best thing to do is just go ahead and detach.

[Obibens]

Something else to think about…this really helped me as well.  I remember asking my therapist why I would do something like this, knowing how I would feel after.  She told me in an odd/sick way, I was satisfying two needs at the same time.  One to finally feel that connection with another person, and two, I actually now had something to REALLY feel bad/guilty about.  After all the years of being blamed for nothing, I finally gave her something to REALLY be upset about.  It basically allowed me to stay in this relationship and feel bad and continue to accept all the blame.   

When she put it this way, it suddenly made sense, and also showed just how terrible a move this was (as though it wasn’t bad to begin with).  So while we tell ourselves we are just getting that need met that we haven’t had met in a long time (if ever), we are just condemning ourselves to more guilt. And this time a lot of it for real, so it’s even harder to make sense of it all.

[WalrusGumboot]

Just in my mind. I did a lot of daydreaming as an escape. It wasn't about sex, it was about having a normal life with a normal relationship, and a normal family. So un-guy like! 

[rj47]

i think part of his BPD has been an idealization of my appearance or attractiveness. i mean, he don't ever want it/ me, but he is convinced that if i turned up single people would be tripping over themselves to get to me. i always said he had "love goggles" (like beer goggles, only you know... ), but that's before i realized he was sick with something specific. i CANNOT get away with anything... . he is VERY paranoid. i can't talk to men, or women for that matter. he often accuses me of being a lesbian too. hello? we've had sex at LEAST 1000 times, i think you'd know if i were into women.

WHATEVER!

how do you get over an emotional affair? it depends on your morals and values. in my mind, there is no justification for that type of betrayal. even if you pwBPD has done it to you, in addition to betraying your heart. we, as healthy people, have to take the moral high ground i feel. to keep ourselves safe, removing temptations is a good start. if you feel you NEED to have that connection with someone, then i think the best thing to do is just go ahead and detach.

These comments resonate so powerfully for me its hard to contain myself.

My BPDw is 50, sexually attractive, dresses to it, is edgy, and, but has great poise and empathy. She offers veiled threats constantly about other men desiring her. I advise her to go for it. I also work hard to look my best, while living my life with integrity and character. Nevertheless, she has a similar approach to your husband. Watch me closely, monitor my interactions with any and all other women, and, constantly accuse me of wanting to leave her for a young, hot, professional woman. The disconnect is bizarre. She insists that every attractive woman that I cross paths with wants me; yet, in the midst of dysregulated rants calls me a useless, ugly, terrible, and pathetic loser of a man that could never be loved by another except for my money. Sometimes she runs on for hours gas-lighting me over my interactions from parties, events, and conversations from 20 years ago! Its incessant and grinding.

So, what did she do? Enter into an emotional affair that slid into the sexual via a Skype session (she claimed it happened out of feeling sorry for him). The guy was a near tragic character to a point that she's embarrassed claiming it was nothing more than a safe game for her to play from a distance. I've come to terms with parts of it; but, the things she messaged that were intensely personal, private, and dripping of lust and love still have me devastated. The things she said about me were equally devastating. If they had engaged in a sexual liason it would be much easier to absorb. Giving herself to him emotionally has been far more difficult to absorb. I may never get over it.

Detaching is difficult for a lot of reasons that fall within the realm of "practicality". There is also the reality that I do love her. But; I often wonder if I'm now the one that's "screwed up". Nevertheless, I cross paths with quality women. Some of them have known me professionally for years. And; yes, they sometimes engage and open the door to more. Its enticing and I'm gratified that other's might find me compelling and decent enough to want more... . but I slam it shut. I wonder if it would be dishonest and cruel to maintain the relationships, but on an arms length platonic basis in the vent she finally manages to kill our marriage.

[Seneca]

Something else to think about…this really helped me as well.  I remember asking my therapist why I would do something like this, knowing how I would feel after.  She told me in an odd/sick way, I was satisfying two needs at the same time.  One to finally feel that connection with another person, and two, I actually now had something to REALLY feel bad/guilty about.  After all the years of being blamed for nothing, I finally gave her something to REALLY be upset about.  It basically allowed me to stay in this relationship and feel bad and continue to accept all the blame.   

When she put it this way, it suddenly made sense, and also showed just how terrible a move this was (as though it wasn’t bad to begin with).  So while we tell ourselves we are just getting that need met that we haven’t had met in a long time (if ever), we are just condemning ourselves to more guilt. And this time a lot of it for real, so it’s even harder to make sense of it all.

dude. that's DEEP. 

[maxsterling]

Just in my mind. I did a lot of daydreaming as an escape. It wasn't about sex, it was about having a normal life with a normal relationship, and a normal family. So un-guy like! 

Sigh.  Yeah, me too.  The "daydreaming" keeps my mind from racing about the troubles in my current relationship.  I don't think this is completely healthy, but I think this kind of daydreaming helps me cope with her constant emotional needs. So when I lay in bed at night, instead of thinking about all the things she burdens me with, and worrying about that, I let my mind daydream to a healthy relationship, and that helps me fall asleep better.

I've also learned I cannot lean on my girlfriend for my emotional needs.  If I am depressed, it stresses her out.  If I am sad, it stresses her out.  If I am worried about money, it stresses her out.  So most of my emotional connection winds up being channeled through close friends, several of which are female.  I don't know if this is considered an emotional affair or not.  But the reality is, if I am worried about something in my family, I will go to my girlfriend, and she may listen but not empathize.  Instead, she will get jealous that I even have a close family, make judgmental comments about my family members, etc.  So I will seek out a close friend, talk, listen, cry, and get a hug.  For example, my sister in law attempted suicide a few months ago.  Discussing that with my girlfriend, she was saddened and shocked, but did not seem to understand the burden or sadness on me, and instead made critical comments of my sister in law, like, "how could she do that - she's a mother!  that makes me so mad... . "  I wish I could go to my girlfriend with this kind of thing, but sadly I need the emotional support of others somewhere, and I may turn to other friends. 

But the thing that is worrying me now is that I would never figure myself a cheater, and I know if I cheated I would feel tremendous shame.  And I always viewed cheaters negatively - why not break up with someone first before cheating?  But now I understand why it happens sometimes.  I can have a day where all I get is dumped on with my girlfriends problems, and I sit and wonder why she can't just handle some of them on her own, I wonder how I got into this, how I am going to get out of this, how I am going to regain my space.  And then a beautiful waitress or co-worker will be kind and smile at me, and all I can think about is what it would be like to be with her instead, and then I feel ashamed for thinking that.

[Pearl55]

My heart aches when I see you guys how you take your marriages or relationships seriously. Cheating in normal relationships is another issue which is not comparable to BPD relationships! It's always best to end the BPD relationships first and then start another one but often long term marriages destroyed when you ACCIDENTALLY meet somebody else, usually healthy guys and emotional correctiveness will happen.


Often might be risky if we don't resolve our issues first because we might end up with another borderline and you know the rest!

What do you think if your BPD partner find out about any affairs? Either they took a revenge and have affairs themselves or threat for a suicide. They are not able to have a feeling of a wife or husband. They are only 3 year olds and intellectualise the facts!


We have to ask ourselves if we fell in love with somebody who loves us and care for us and still we want to continute with our BPD partners, what's wrong with us ? Are we too damaged or is too late? It's really hard and almost impossible to look after our mental health whilst we are in the relationship with a borderline!

My psychiatrist told me that is really heart breaking for him when he's got so many non BPDs patients and how they prevented themselves from falling love with somebody else and in fact they didn't take those opportunities to get the hell out. Our roles are as caregivers not husbands or wives!

Don't get me wrong I'm completely disagree with any types of cheatings in normal relationships but we are in BPD ones.

[thicker skin]

Until recently, I would have shuddered at the idea. Now, 22 years in and no further forward than the day we got together, I'm tempted. I've taken the rap, accusations and paid all the prices.

I long to be held, touched with tenderness and talk for hours about nothing... . Just to share mutual minds.

[Pearl55]

Obibens

I think your therapist doesn't know what BPD is!

[Pearl55]

Rj47

Bpd relationships are zero sum games! We married to games. This is the nature of the illness we feel guilty rather than the person we are involve with. My son is only 7 and after did separate my son stayed with my ex. He feels GUILTY if he wants to stay at night with me and is worried if my ex gets upset with him. He wants to make him happy and for me as a mum witnessing this is very heart breaking that my son feels obligations for him.

You've got no responsibility for your wife's well being. She had this disorder since she was born and a long time before she met you. You've got to think about yourself. Her FEELINGS for you is very different from yours. Don't you think it's time to change your patterns of thinking?

It would be your loss if you continue thinking this way, nobody else!  

[Surrender]

i CANNOT get away with anything... . he is VERY paranoid. i can't talk to men, or women for that matter. he often accuses me of being a lesbian too. hello? we've had sex at LEAST 1000 times, i think you'd know if i were into women.

WHATEVER!

It is interesting this entire dynamic that at the beginning leaves you trying to rationalize it on 'normal' terms but at the same time feeling like you have slipped into the rabbit hole inside a twilight zone. I have never in my life encountered anyone who literally watches, inspects and critically judges everything I do, don't do or appear to want to do... . even a body gesture and God forbid one out in public. Yes Seneca I hear my own thoughts in your writing... . his sickness makes it impossible for me to get away with ANYTHING but what is worse is that often I'm accused of doing things and be guilty of things that I haven't done... . he will perseverate on things I confided in him about that happened 20 years ago and use that as ammunition to this day as soon as he becomes dysregulated. The shaming is the most damaging I find and something that has inflicted the most amount of pain and suffering that was and is never necessary. I've learned to ignore him and just shut him down by saying to keep those thoughts to himself because they are his issues and not mine.

The other void we experience is the fact that if we are upset in any way that totally stresses them out and triggers them. So just as the other poster stated that makes us feel like we aren't getting any support but rather causing them further dysregulation, pain and confusion. So, in essence we are always walking on eggshells and don't feel that we have a right to our own feelings but instead spend our days trying to hide everything.

And yes I too have been accused of being a lesbian. One of our worst break ups happened at a music venue when the lead singer gave me a hug. My man went insane and after that he gave me a 5 minute window to buy a cd from what ever artists were playing, with clear instructions that he didn't want to see me talking or touching them nor were they allowed to touch me. Then saying "I shouldn't have to watch everything you do".

It is a very difficult thing to not desire comfort in the arms of another who is healthy and doesn't twist you up like a pretzel, in the end though I think deceit always ends badly. It is like the others said better to just detach and try and move on. Sadly by the time our partners are done with us, it is us that feels like we have a lot of work to do to heal and return to the land of what is normal.

After so much constant suffering and feeling so turned upside down I'm not even sure anymore what a relationship is like with someone who isn't ill like this. I don't know if I can trust myself anymore to trust anyone strangely except for my UBPD. I know that is backwards and it should be the opposite but for what ever strange reason my our co-dependency has made him and our relationship my normal base line so when we break up and he distances himself from me it feels like my world is literally upside down. Like everything is splitting apart at the seams and only when him and I reconnect do I feel 'normal' and calm again. It's strange and I'm trying to figure this out with a T.

But do I wonder what it would be like with someone who wouldn't abuse me in so many internally damaging ways, absolutely. The shaming, blaming, accusations, interrogations, punitive treatment consume the majority of the relationship dynamic. Just when we deal with one crisis another is manufactured. I feel in many ways like a drug addict with him and that may also be part of the problem. Somewhere inside me I want to be able to just let go and carry on before I become permanently a sufferer of PTSD or something worse.

I want to believe that I can love someone else and be just as crazy about them but the truth is I've never been so crazy about anyone except for my guy. And in some ways he understands me better than anyone ever in my entire life. There are a lot of contradictions which is what makes it all so crazy making. On the one hand I find he understands and sees me for who and what I really am, not expecting me to change what is broken yet at the same time he expects me to be perfect and almost read his mind. If I get something wrong and he feels that I haven't protected him he becomes outraged and feels that I don't love him and that I don't have his best interest at heart. I hear his words saying "you are supposed to have my back but things like this just show me you don't love me. If you did you would never have done this". Well to give you an idea I sat on the opposite side of the couch beside someone else at a dinner party. No biggy right? Wrong! Everything is a biggy with them.

I find it interesting that many of us are the ones in therapy, because essentially we are trying to make our way to a place where we can accept a healthy love, one that we deserve. For now I daydream about it and yeah if a man shows me a kindness there is a moment inside me that wonders what that would be like. I know for myself I couldn't betray him and I wouldn't want to do that to anyone. If I am going to embark on something like that than I have to leave him and be honest.

I have endured months of accusations just based on how I responded to a man in public regardless of whether they are old friends or not and that was me just being polite, I can't imagine what would happen if I actually betrayed him... . that is his single most nightmare. But I think we all think about this and through our quiet despair and suffering long to be comforted by someone genuine and giving. It feels more like a dream to me because of what has become the norm in my world with my complex tortured UBPD.

I still hope for escape and am taking this time to evaluate what I am able to but his grips are deeply rooted in me.

[Obibens]

Obibens

I think your therapist doesn't know what BPD is!

I actually think she gave me some incredible insight into my psyche at the time.  I no way did she say that was right/wrong.  She saw that my guilt over the actions caused me to be even more submissive in the aftermath.

Why do you think she doesn't understand pd's?

[Pearl55]

Obiben

My husband is a psychiatrist and he told me that most therapiest don't know what BPD is. When you say BPD, the first thing comes to everybody's mind is ragging,... .

In fact is much more complex than crazy behaviours.

Their pathalogical issues are very serious and damaging to our mental health. If she gave you good insight about your psyche, in reality you should have taken some steps towards leaving. When I saw my first psychiatrist, he made me shivers to wake up and took it seriously. I don't know how to be thankful to him.

[Obibens]

Their pathalogical issues are very serious and damaging to our mental health. If she gave you good insight about your psyche, in reality you should have taken some steps towards leaving. When I saw my first psychiatrist, he made me shivers to wake up and took it seriously. I don't know how to be thankful to him.

Thank you for your reply and you are correct that I needed a bit of a wake up call.  But she does understands I have to do this at my own pace.  She has more than once told me that I she would recommend that I 'get out of there' and that she's not a healthy person.  She has also let me know that if I do stay, she's extremely unlikely to get much better, because she is so high-functioning.

With all that being said though - thank you very much for your input.  Its obvious that I struggle with taking on too much blame, and your words will help keep me grounded 

[Samuel S.]

I certainly have wanted to, especially knowing one woman who kinda asked me over to her home once already; however, I did not and will not, because if I would be caught, it would make matters with my BPDw a lot worse than they are, but I do daydream about it off and on.

[thicker skin]

The paranoia is a nightmare.

The 'facts' they have to beat you and hate you for, viciously, just push you away. There are no grey areas, alternative reasons or simple differences. All roads lead to Damascus and you are damned if you do, damned if you don't. You are a liar who cannot face the truth, a deviant in denial, disgusting, warped bla bla bla

Then it's all okay again, until the next time, when you maybe smile at another driver as you let them go before you, talk about how nice another town is with your Dad or take a bath at the wrong time. You just don't know how to behave properly and need teaching.

The hate and anger, sarcasm and vengeance cuts deep. My life has become a criminal trial and every aspect of it is scrutinised. It's not possible to have a close and intimate relationship with someone who flips out at the drop of a hat and asks you to take responsibility for their feelings or perceptions, or lead a full and active life, free of fear.

Ultimately, nobody can make you have an affair and there are no excuses, only reasons for leaving before trading your integrity.

I understand the need to talk to someone else about the madness in your life though. It's a form of validation I suppose, the reason we come here too. Is BPDF an emotional affair? If we could turn to our partners and share our thoughts without triggering a rage or character assassination, would we honestly be here?

[Pearl55]

Obibens

If facts proves to you that your wife is incapable of loving anybody and she's ok the way she is will you still continue with her?

Will still continue saving your opponent? Will you participate in her games? You mentioned that your wife is a high functioning one. She knows that what she's doing and you always lose in her games. You are a weak opponent for her because you can't work out her games!

My husband is a high functioning one as well. Sometimes I even felt he's not that bright! He is EMOTIONALY a 3 year old but extremely bright. INTELIGENCE is not affected in BPDs but all brain lobes, limbic system,... . are affected!

[rj47]

The paranoia is a nightmare.

The 'facts' they have to beat you and hate you for, viciously, just push you away. There are no grey areas, alternative reasons or simple differences. All roads lead to Damascus and you are damned if you do, damned if you don't. You are a liar who cannot face the truth, a deviant in denial, disgusting, warped bla bla bla

Then it's all okay again, until the next time, when you maybe smile at another driver as you let them go before you, talk about how nice another town is with your Dad or take a bath at the wrong time. You just don't know how to behave properly and need teaching.

The hate and anger, sarcasm and vengeance cuts deep. My life has become a criminal trial and every aspect of it is scrutinised. It's not possible to have a close and intimate relationship with someone who flips out at the drop of a hat and asks you to take responsibility for their feelings or perceptions, or lead a full and active life, free of fear.

The more I interact here, the more unbelievable the commonalty of shared experience! But it gets no better. At least I have begun to know its not just me.

I let an attractive woman with her husband get on a hotel elevator first. She smiled saying thank you. That was New Years Eve. Weeks later I'm still on trial; a liar, denier, serial cheater and can never be trusted.

An actual trial would be wonderful. Trials are based on facts (evidence), with an arbitrator (judge), and impartial judgement by uninvolved peers (jurists). If only we could have that kind of justice and move on. Eliminate the triggers best you can, parse every word; think about every action however small always vigilant to be on your guard Convince yourself you can eliminate every placeholder for their discontent. We cant. All is well for a time and you feel you can enjoy life with them. But, their recorder is always filling the files for the next round when they need it. We are judged before offence had been committed.

[Pearl55]

Rj47

She plays games with you! One of the reason makes men trapped with these women is kind of fake jealousy and games and you think how much she loves you or how much she needs you. You might get frustrated consciously but your unconscious wants it,in fact is NOTHING in your relationship is about you! 

[Soulsisters]

My father cheated on my mother, and I swore that this would never be something that I could ever do.

I held on for 20 years and gave it all I had.  I was threatened weekly with divorce, I was  nothing, I would be on the streets,  I was monitored like a prisoner.   I was crazy and he was leaving me.  That is how I felt for the last 5 years of my marriage.  I was nothing and I was nothing without him.

I had an affair, I had a breakdown, I left the marriage, and he has effectively taken almost everything from me. 

I feel better away with nothing than I did with him.  I know I am not nuts, I can love someone who will love me back. 

It is a very dangerous thing to do to someone with BPD.  I wish I would have had the strength to leave earlier, and I wish I could have minimized the damages. 

But I didn't and I am getting through one day at a time.  I actually feel happy.

I am not condoning cheating and I am ashamed of my actions.  It is a difficult path.

[rj47]

A game. Yes, but so unbelievably tragic. My heart breaks for her. I've not crossed the line of engaging with mother person. Doors open and I run. Married men shouldn't do such things. Another door opened recently and I find myself thinking "what I?". Then I feel guilt and hopeless as if I'm damaged goods.