Have things changed? or is it a bluff...

[Mike76]

I do realize this is a stay board... . but I feel I may get the best answers here.

I have checked out of the marriage with my dBPDw.  I have met with but not obtained a laywer.   My personal T believes I am done... .    I met with the MC individually and shared nothing can change my mind about not divorcing, I just need to get a few things together.

So I have told my wife I am ready for divorce... . I was invited to her T session and spoke about as my wife was talking to me about BPD.   We talked about divorce at MC.   We have had talks over the last week at home about divorce.

My wife now has says she will meet any of my demands\request if it means no divorcing.

For the first time in 5 years she apologized for physically hitting and verbally insulting me.  She said she was wrong and it was not a proper way to react (and blamed the BPD).   

The thing is just 3 weeks ago before the idea of divorce came up she said "its your fault I hit you!"

Now that the idea of divorce came up it seems like she finally gets it?

I am mainly looking for responses from the people that have been in BPD marriages for years.   When did you seem a change?

Is my concept of divorce,  "not a threat",  a game changer,  or does it just make them scared and they say they will say anything.   

My wife has apologized... . told me more times in the past two week she loves me then in the past months. If this was 6 months ago I would have been excited.  Not that I am taking the steps for divorce... . She seems like she is trying for the first time EVER.  Simple request I have had for years, she

Is this a bluff, is this temporary?  Can a BPD change like this?  I do not meet with my T till next week, and the MC in 2?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[hergestridge]

My experience is that "not a threat" is a game changer, but only temporarily. Once the threat is over, then it's back to normal again.

My experience has nothing to do with divorce, but with custody. Once my BPWw realized her custody of our daughter was in danger due to her erratic behaviour (and a T that threatened to call the authorities), my wife accepted responsibility for a whole bunch of things all of a sudden - that she had blamed other people for just a few minutes earllier.

For you and me, it's about the truth. For them it's about winning. The truth is flexible and can be changed to suite the situation. To me and you this is dishonest and offensive. But changing that quickly is just the consequence of their "warrior" mentality where you fight for your arguments until the last drop of blood, and after the last drop of blood... . then you just jump the ship. For you or me doubt or self-reflection would have set in much earlier, most likelt leading to some sort of compromise.

[GaGrl]

What does your intuition say about her ability to sustain the promised behavior?

[nancyw1234]

I dont think she is for real. I have had the same reaction from my BPD husband of 20 years, but the last 12 have been extremely difficult where I have finally come to realize that the problems are much more severe than normal marital problems. Each time I threatened divorce unless he would make changes he changed his demeanor 100% even going as far as producing fake tears. He has now trapped me financially( because i gave him plenty of warning) so he doesnt bother with trying to fool me anymore. So if I were you... . Ask yourself how you would have handled the situation if the tables were turned? Would you be acting like your wife and playing games? Or would you try 100% all of the time to save your marriage? I think a normal person would have made lasting changes. Wish her well and send her off with love in your heart. you have tried and tried, it takes two to make it work. You are not a bad person for moving on.

Nancy1234

[Monarch Butterfly]

I posted almost the same thing yesterday.

I have decided to leave and for the first time in 17 years, I am in peace. The sad thing is that our separation is being a lot better than our marriage. He says he sees all the things he did wrong and is doing them differently. They are not words anymore - his actions changed. I thought pwBPD were incapable of that.

I wonder how long he can keep this up , this new side that is caring, concerned, open, listening, rationalizing, making sense... . I know he has BPD, so what happened to it? If it`s manipulation, than he`s got this down to a fine art. It`s scary. Can they change?

This good phase makes it 100X harder to leave, because I am getting every single thing I wanted when I was committed to this r/s, but know that I am emotionally detaching, WHAM! But I am determined: I will not take back my stance. I feel like I'm in a chess game and every move he makes it aiming at capturing my king.

I fought hard to get here. I know the minute I do go back or believe all the stuff he's telling me now, the same stuff will arise again just give him time. I"m just surprised the changes are seeming so profound.

For my own sanity I made a list (a very long one) of all the things he said and did that really hurt me. When I get stuck I pull out my list and read it and then I ask myself, is this what I really want to go back to?  

I hope we both stay strong!

[elemental]

I think you are hoping for too much for her to BAM! change now and all at once.

Maybe you could try a theraputic separation first and as she puts new behaviors into place as you use the tools taught here on this site, your relationship can be rebuilt.

You sound pretty fed up atm. Take a breather, slow down, and do some self care for a while instead?

[Seneca]

I posted almost the same thing yesterday.

I have decided to leave and for the first time in 17 years, I am in peace. The sad thing is that our separation is being a lot better than our marriage. He says he sees all the things he did wrong and is doing them differently. They are not words anymore - his actions changed. I thought pwBPD were incapable of that.

I wonder how long he can keep this up , this new side that is caring, concerned, open, listening, rationalizing, making sense... . I know he has BPD, so what happened to it? If it`s manipulation, than he`s got this down to a fine art. It`s scary. Can they change?

This good phase makes it 100X harder to leave, because I am getting every single thing I wanted when I was committed to this r/s, but know that I am emotionally detaching, WHAM! But I am determined: I will not take back my stance. I feel like I'm in a chess game and every move he makes it aiming at capturing my king.

I fought hard to get here. I know the minute I do go back or believe all the stuff he's telling me now, the same stuff will arise again just give him time. I"m just surprised the changes are seeming so profound.

For my own sanity I made a list (a very long one) of all the things he said and did that really hurt me. When I get stuck I pull out my list and read it and then I ask myself, is this what I really want to go back to?  

I hope we both stay strong!

Monarch, I love the freaking list! The list is sanity... . it is the reality check. Never lose the list! Same thing here. As soon as I told my uBPDh that I was willing to stay in the marriage for our kids, but that our love relationship was over, suddenly I am a saint, he is horrible and doesn't deserve to live. EVERYTHING has been his fault, he is finding a therapist etc. Mr. Perfect husband mode... . helping around the house, being nice and meek etc. But I know dang well if he thought the danger was passed, WHAMMO, right back to lunacy.

Whatever you do, don't buy it. It is the LAST ditch effort to prevent the abandonment. Whatever will get them results... . no matter what they have to say or do. Remember that. She hasn't changed, this is just THE most hurtful type of manipulation. The one that gets you to open your heart again, to try and trust... . and when she gets you this time... . it'll crush you.