I'm glad 2013 is over but I feel like I'm starting in a rut

[Mutt]

I don't know how I feel lately. I thought that I would of had the holidays under control. I went on a big bender over the last weekend and honestly I feel ashamed that my feelings overtook me the way that they did.

I think it's a accumulation of the holidays, divorce is coming up in 7 weeks, missing my kids, missing the ex? because it's the first holiday without her and the family, her trying to pull me lately, turning 40 in two weeks, financial hardship, family courts, I've felt emotional like on the verge of crying lately, often.

Has anyone felt like you were doing alright and because the divorce is looming you have found it harder?

[Pearl55]

Mutt

I'm in a terrible situation, my depression got worse and I feel myself shivering almost every night and asking myself how stupid I was all these years. Financially I've been ruined by my husband and if I hadn't my family supports, I don't know what I would have done!

I don't miss my husband because I know I married to an illness, the man I fell in love never existed but I'm in total mess. I'm at late thirties too. I feel like I'm very old now. My psychiatrist promised me I feel much better after 6 months. I'm looking forward to that.   

[Turkish]

I don't know how I feel lately. I thought that I would of had the holidays under control. I went on a big bender over the last weekend and honestly I feel ashamed that my feelings overtook me the way that they did.

I think it's a accumulation of the holidays, divorce is coming up in 7 weeks, missing my kids, missing the ex? because it's the first holiday without her and the family, her trying to pull me lately, turning 40 in two weeks, financial hardship, family courts, I've felt emotional like on the verge of crying lately, often.

Has anyone felt like you were doing alright and because the divorce is looming you have found it harder?

I'm sorry Mutt. I have no divorce (which is much, much harder and more expensive for you), but the looming moving out and working out child support hopefully by the beginning of next month. Right now it is not adversarial, though by nature it is. I am preparing for it to get that way at any time. And WoE for the next month since she has done this weird re-engagement into the home and the kids' lives. Now I feel like the target of her anger once again. Subtle, but there all of a sudden. I hope 12/25 and 1/1 are the last holidays to be ruined by her. I expect not, but I can only hope.

I realized yesterday, when she took the kids all day and I was alone... . that I really was alone. If not kids, no big deal, but it was hard. At least D1 burst into the room when she brought them back last night doing ":)addy! Daddy!" so happy to see me... .

I had trouble sleeping last night, even not getting much sleep in NYE. I usually sleep like a babe. One week at a time until my new life starts. It sucks because I've been living the past new life for only 4 months since she abandoned me and took up with the Idiot. I hope this is the last change for a while. I kept my life drama free for a decade and a half before I met BPDx. I hope to retain that, even if life gets more boring. At this point I just want Peace... .

Have you been on the Legal Board yet?

[Turkish]

Mutt

I'm in a terrible situation, my depression got worse and I feel myself shivering almost every night and asking myself how stupid I was all these years. Financially I've been ruined by my husband and if I hadn't my family supports, I don't know what I would have done!

I don't miss my husband because I know I married to an illness, the man I fell in love never existed but I'm in total mess. I'm at late thirties too. I feel like I'm very old now. My psychiatrist promised me I feel much better after 6 months. I'm looking forward to that.   

I'm in my early 40s. I started late to form a family; now I'm starting over again. Right now I just feel like going gently into that good night as a single co-parenting father. So sick of this drama... . I was moderately depressed in my teen years and into my 20s even. I feel I might fall back into that. The Dark Gift from me being stupid enough to go so long with my X... .

[Mutt]

Thank you all for the emotional support.  

I don't miss my husband because I know I married to an illness, the man I fell in love never existed but I'm in total mess. I'm at late thirties too. I feel like I'm very old now. My psychiatrist promised me I feel much better after 6 months. I'm looking forward to that.    

Thanks Pearl55, I don't think that I feel old but I do find it difficult to think about dating because the r/s was so long. I've deleted my dating profile twice online and I think I'm leaving it down for a long time. I decided not until after divorce and I have put more distance between her leaving me and getting better.

I'm sorry Mutt. I have no divorce (which is much, much harder and more expensive for you), but the looming moving out and working out child support hopefully by the beginning of next month. Right now it is not adversarial, though by nature it is. I am preparing for it to get that way at any time. And WoE for the next month since she has done this weird re-engagement into the home and the kids' lives. Now I feel like the target of her anger once again. Subtle, but there all of a sudden. I hope 12/25 and 1/1 are the last holidays to be ruined by her. I expect not, but I can only hope.

I realized yesterday, when she took the kids all day and I was alone... . that I really was alone. If not kids, no big deal, but it was hard. At least D1 burst into the room when she brought them back last night doing ":)addy! Daddy!" so happy to see me... .

I had trouble sleeping last night, even not getting much sleep in NYE. I usually sleep like a babe. One week at a time until my new life starts. It sucks because I've been living the past new life for only 4 months since she abandoned me and took up with the Idiot. I hope this is the last change for a while. I kept my life drama free for a decade and a half before I met BPDx. I hope to retain that, even if life gets more boring. At this point I just want Peace... .

Have you been on the Legal Board yet?

Thanks Turk. Yes I've been on the legal board a little bit, I have to pick up Splitting by Bill Eddy ASAP. I posted there today because she's been painting me white lately and I've reached out to her to try to reason with her to disolve the marriage quickly so that it's more helpful for the kids and us money wise. This was after a year of not talking to her about the divorce, it was a taboo subject after she had left and it was her idea!

The toughest part of the beginning of the separation for me was the kids. Especially when they are young, My son was just over 12 months old when she left and it's the excitement of the little kids when you get home from work that I miss the most. I'm trying to get them 50% of the time to live with me and I get them as much as I can, it makes it more bearable.

[Mutt]

I'm in my early 40s. I started late to form a family; now I'm starting over again. Right now I just feel like going gently into that good night as a single co-parenting father. So sick of this drama... . I was moderately depressed in my teen years and into my 20s even. I feel I might fall back into that. The Dark Gift from me being stupid enough to go so long with my X... .

I started my family in my early 30's after meeting BPD ex for the wrong reasons, she got pregnant and I didn't want to have her raise my child alone. She was a single mom. We had two more children after that.

I've had depression before too in my twenties and anxiety, both lifted when I met the ex. The power of the honeymoon/seduction! Seriously though, I think that I felt validated being in a real ltr with someone, settling down, having kids, etc... . and that's what I feel like I've been missing throughout this rough patch. I need to validate myself. Since her child support interim order from her L last Oct, month to month it has been increasingly more difficult with finances and that's been a big part of it too. I feel like the damn is going to burst soon financially because I simply cannot afford the bills from the marriage, child support and my place as well.

[Turkish]

The toughest part of the beginning of the separation for me was the kids. Especially when they are young, My son was just over 12 months old when she left and it's the excitement of the little kids when you get home from work that I miss the most. I'm trying to get them 50% of the time to live with me and I get them as much as I can, it makes it more bearable.

Unless there is some logistical reason, why will you settle for less than 50/50?

Mine is somewhat amicable right now, but if she goes for majority--- which I don't think she will since she knows I handle them better (at this point), I liquidate assets and take the fight to court, full psych profiles, whatever evidence I have of her dysregulations that can be admitted... . etc. Mine is narcissistic enough (The Queen and Waif) that she will not want a lot of things to become public. If they get out in court, they will leak out. I am trying to be kind since she has admitted she knows something is wrong with her, and is in therapy (though at the rate she's going, it's just a band aid until things get bad again).

[Mutt]

Unless there is some logistical reason, why will you settle for less than 50/50?

Mine is somewhat amicable right now, but if she goes for majority--- which I don't think she will since she knows I handle them better (at this point), I liquidate assets and take the fight to court, full psych profiles, whatever evidence I have of her dysregulations that can be admitted... . etc. Mine is narcissistic enough (The Queen and Waif) that she will not want a lot of things to become public. If they get out in court, they will leak out. I am trying to be kind since she has admitted she knows something is wrong with her, and is in therapy (though at the rate she's going, it's just a band aid until things get bad again).

I agree. I went through some old emails of hers for my L. The night that she slept with OM (6 weeks before moving out), she sent me a white e-mail saying that she can't leave the kids behind with me because she would feel too guilty. She reversed it when she moved out saying that I can't have the kids at all because she can't trust that they aren't going to come back home and it would all have to be done through courts for visitation etc... . This was after I had asked her to do a legal separation agreement, mediation etc... .

It wasn't fun Turk. Since I have an L in the last few weeks, she's been loosening up with the kids so I get as much as I can. I believe that mine has some narcissism as well, I also do believe that she does not want to be exposed. Monday is finally the first day in court with an L with me, I was waiting for legal counsel when I was trying to do it Pro Se and from what everyone was telling me is to not do it Pro Se.

[Iwalk-Heruns]

Unless there is some logistical reason, why will you settle for less than 50/50?

Mine is somewhat amicable right now, but if she goes for majority--- which I don't think she will since she knows I handle them better (at this point), I liquidate assets and take the fight to court, full psych profiles, whatever evidence I have of her dysregulations that can be admitted... . etc. Mine is narcissistic enough (The Queen and Waif) that she will not want a lot of things to become public. If they get out in court, they will leak out. I am trying to be kind since she has admitted she knows something is wrong with her, and is in therapy (though at the rate she's going, it's just a band aid until things get bad again).

I agree. I went through some old emails of hers for my L. The night that she slept with OM (6 weeks before moving out), she sent me a white e-mail saying that she can't leave the kids behind with me because she would feel too guilty. She reversed it when she moved out saying that I can't have the kids at all because she can't trust that they aren't going to come back home and it would all have to be done through courts for visitation etc... . This was after I had asked her to do a legal separation agreement, mediation etc... .

It wasn't fun Turk. Since I have an L in the last few weeks, she's been loosening up with the kids so I get as much as I can. I believe that mine has some narcissism as well, I also do believe that she does not want to be exposed. Monday is finally the first day in court with an L with me, I was waiting for legal counsel when I was trying to do it Pro Se and from what everyone was telling me is to not do it Pro Se.

I think that was a good move. you don't want to take chances where your kids are concerned. My exh (not the BPD) one I have son with pulled all kinds of shady stuff in the courtroom so thank god I had an attorney.

You know the saying. "Anyone who represents themself has a fool for a client." Something like that.

[Mutt]

I think that was a good move. you don't want to take chances where your kids are concerned. My exh (not the BPD) one I have son with pulled all kinds of shady stuff in the courtroom so thank god I had an attorney.

You know the saying. "Anyone who represents themself has a fool for a client." Something like that.

This Monday after months of family court by myself and delaying until I got legal counsel, my L will be there. That's something to look forward to in 2014