Mental Gymnastics

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

So, since BPD people project their disorder onto their partners and try to make the other person think they're the crazy one, isn't it possible that some posters could actually have been the BPD in the relationship and through all the distortion and inaccurate versions of "the truth" have convinced themselves that their exes have BPD when in reality it's them that has BPD?

The only reason I bring this up is that sometimes when I'm reading a post, I start to think, "Hey, this sounds familiar... . like something my ex could be saying about me through her own distorted perspective." Like, since she can't face that she's done all these crazy irrational things and basically has to gaslight me to make herself feel better, and she's absolutely got to be the victim and can't take any blame herself, logically wouldn't it make sense for her to come here and look for people to console her and tell her that she did no wrong and how awful I must have been?

Furthermore, if she'd maybe been curious about what personality disorder she might possibly have and started looking up info about BPD, it's pretty likely she would read about all sorts of things she could put on me to make herself "more right" about our breakup and if she could put BPD on me, it would more or less excuse a lot of her behavior as just being "caught up in my disorder", right?

Any of you ever think along those lines when you read some posts?

I know it sounds like kind of a paradox, but you guys see what I'm saying, right?

[santa]

So, since BPD people project their disorder onto their partners and try to make the other person think they're the crazy one, isn't it possible that some posters could actually have been the BPD in the relationship and through all the distortion and inaccurate versions of "the truth" have convinced themselves that their exes have BPD when in reality it's them that has BPD?

The only reason I bring this up is that sometimes when I'm reading a post, I start to think, "Hey, this sounds familiar... . like something my ex could be saying about me through her own distorted perspective." Like, since she can't face that she's done all these crazy irrational things and basically has to gaslight me to make herself feel better, and she's absolutely got to be the victim and can't take any blame herself, logically wouldn't it make sense for her to come here and look for people to console her and tell her that she did no wrong and how awful I must have been?

Furthermore, if she'd maybe been curious about what personality disorder she might possibly have and started looking up info about BPD, it's pretty likely she would read about all sorts of things she could put on me to make herself "more right" about our breakup and if she could put BPD on me, it would more or less excuse a lot of her behavior as just being "caught up in my disorder", right?

Any of you ever think along those lines when you read some posts?

I know it sounds like kind of a paradox, but you guys see what I'm saying, right?

[Turkish]

So, since BPD people project their disorder onto their partners and try to make the other person think they're the crazy one, isn't it possible that some posters could actually have been the BPD in the relationship and through all the distortion and inaccurate versions of "the truth" have convinced themselves that their exes have BPD when in reality it's them that has BPD?

The only reason I bring this up is that sometimes when I'm reading a post, I start to think, "Hey, this sounds familiar... . like something my ex could be saying about me through her own distorted perspective." Like, since she can't face that she's done all these crazy irrational things and basically has to gaslight me to make herself feel better, and she's absolutely got to be the victim and can't take any blame herself, logically wouldn't it make sense for her to come here and look for people to console her and tell her that she did no wrong and how awful I must have been?

Furthermore, if she'd maybe been curious about what personality disorder she might possibly have and started looking up info about BPD, it's pretty likely she would read about all sorts of things she could put on me to make herself "more right" about our breakup and if she could put BPD on me, it would more or less excuse a lot of her behavior as just being "caught up in my disorder", right?

Any of you ever think along those lines when you read some posts?

I know it sounds like kind of a paradox, but you guys see what I'm saying, right?

Yes, santa... .    and somehow I'm glad I don't have a chimney... . and got an alarm system.

Thanks for making me paranoid though! 

[blueeyedjess]

Yes, I constantly question it but that is partly because my stbex is still trying to convince me of that fact.

One thing I know for sure, though... . if I question my sanity, and I do, then I am sane because crazy people don't think they are crazy but they are sure that everyone else is! 

[Ironmanrises]

Just go to a forum where the majority of the members are pwBPD and you will see the vast difference in what is being posted on there as compared to here. That should quell your paradox.

[santa]

So, since BPD people project their disorder onto their partners and try to make the other person think they're the crazy one, isn't it possible that some posters could actually have been the BPD in the relationship and through all the distortion and inaccurate versions of "the truth" have convinced themselves that their exes have BPD when in reality it's them that has BPD?

The only reason I bring this up is that sometimes when I'm reading a post, I start to think, "Hey, this sounds familiar... . like something my ex could be saying about me through her own distorted perspective." Like, since she can't face that she's done all these crazy irrational things and basically has to gaslight me to make herself feel better, and she's absolutely got to be the victim and can't take any blame herself, logically wouldn't it make sense for her to come here and look for people to console her and tell her that she did no wrong and how awful I must have been?

Furthermore, if she'd maybe been curious about what personality disorder she might possibly have and started looking up info about BPD, it's pretty likely she would read about all sorts of things she could put on me to make herself "more right" about our breakup and if she could put BPD on me, it would more or less excuse a lot of her behavior as just being "caught up in my disorder", right?

Any of you ever think along those lines when you read some posts?

I know it sounds like kind of a paradox, but you guys see what I'm saying, right?

Yes, santa... .    and somehow I'm glad I don't have a chimney... . and got an alarm system.

Thanks for making me paranoid though! 

LOL

[santa]

I'm certain there are BPDs among us. Lol

Muhahaha

[santa]

Just go to a forum where the majority of the members are pwBPD and you will see the vast difference in what is being posted on there as compared to here. That should quell your paradox.

That would be interesting to check out. I'm sure it's rampant with nonsense.

[santa]

Yes, I constantly question it but that is partly because my stbex is still trying to convince me of that fact.

One thing I know for sure, though... . if I question my sanity, and I do, then I am sane because crazy people don't think they are crazy but they are sure that everyone else is! 

I'm sure we've all questioned our own sanity throughout our BPD "relationship experience".

All I know is, before I got tangled up with this girl, my relationships had all been pretty much normal. I had no concept of what someone with a personality disorder even behaved like until this. Since she left, everything has returned to normalcy for me. No more crazy. It was definitely her.

[Perfidy]

Santa... A lot more newcomers recently. The shock is fresh. I know that when I came here I had been through the shock, denial, and bargaining. My thinking could not have been mistaken for sanity and I'm sure my closest family and friends thought I was having a nervous breakdown. So I arrived here in full blown depression. Suicidal depression. I bet I must have sounded like the KING of the BPD hill. BTW... . Been meaning to ask ya. Did you get my letter or didn't I make "nice" list again?

[santa]

Santa... A lot more newcomers recently. The shock is fresh. I know that when I came here I had been through the shock, denial, and bargaining. My thinking could not have been mistaken for sanity and I'm sure my closest family and friends thought I was having a nervous breakdown. So I arrived here in full blown depression. Suicidal depression. I bet I must have sounded like the KING of the BPD hill. BTW... . Been meaning to ask ya. Did you get my letter or didn't I make "nice" list again?

Ha. Yeah, I remember when I first came here. I'd never heard of borderline before, so I was really curious about it. I just read the board for a week or so before I decided to start posting. Now, I can't shut up.

The thing that has frustrated me the most about the whole thing is that I am still vulnerable to the slightest bit of kindness from my ex. Every time I think I'm totally "cured" of whatever this is, she'll somehow lure me into wanting her again. Then she basically spits in my face all over again and I feel like an idiot about it. I know for an absolute fact that re-entering that relationship would be a complete disaster, but for some reason a small part of me still wants it. I think it's mostly because we have a small child together. Either way, I try not to beat myself up about it and just try to press on.

I didn't get your letter. It's hard to find good help these days. Lol. Since my elves unionized, it's hit and miss. Lol

[Perfidy]

Santa... A lot more newcomers recently. The shock is fresh. I know that when I came here I had been through the shock, denial, and bargaining. My thinking could not have been mistaken for sanity and I'm sure my closest family and friends thought I was having a nervous breakdown. So I arrived here in full blown depression. Suicidal depression. I bet I must have sounded like the KING of the BPD hill. BTW... . Been meaning to ask ya. Did you get my letter or didn't I make "nice" list again?

Ha. Yeah, I remember when I first came here. I'd never heard of borderline before, so I was really curious about it. I just read the board for a week or so before I decided to start posting. Now, I can't shut up.

The thing that has frustrated me the most about the whole thing is that I am still vulnerable to the slightest bit of kindness from my ex. Every time I think I'm totally "cured" of whatever this is, she'll somehow lure me into wanting her again. Then she basically spits in my face all over again and I feel like an idiot about it. I know for an absolute fact that re-entering that relationship would be a complete disaster, but for some reason a small part of me still wants it. I think it's mostly because we have a small child together. Either way, I try not to beat myself up about it and just try to press on.

I didn't get your letter. It's hard to find good help these days. Lol. Since my elves unionized, it's hit and miss. Lol

This is a different kind of bond. I have no children with the exBPDgf. The bond I have with her is the single strongest bond I've had in my life. That it is noteworthy to add she is also the sickest person I've ever had in my life. Somehow there is a connection other than guilt through association. I am a well respected individual. Solid family. All around great guy. The type borderlines go for. Stable with big soft shoulders. I'm not sure but having children with her may not have made the bond stronger- just more complicated. As selfish and immature as she was a child would have been competition for her and actually weakened our bond. A thought.

[free-n-clear]

I think it's mostly because we have a small child together.

 I'm so glad I didn't have a kid with my ex. To do the right thing by the kid means having to remain involved, to some degree, with someone you really could do without having in your life. I miss her two young kids, but they aren't mine, so I don't have that obligation.

[Waifed]

So, since BPD people project their disorder onto their partners and try to make the other person think they're the crazy one, isn't it possible that some posters could actually have been the BPD in the relationship and through all the distortion and inaccurate versions of "the truth" have convinced themselves that their exes have BPD when in reality it's them that has BPD?

The only reason I bring this up is that sometimes when I'm reading a post, I start to think, "Hey, this sounds familiar... . like something my ex could be saying about me through her own distorted perspective." Like, since she can't face that she's done all these crazy irrational things and basically has to gaslight me to make herself feel better, and she's absolutely got to be the victim and can't take any blame herself, logically wouldn't it make sense for her to come here and look for people to console her and tell her that she did no wrong and how awful I must have been?

Furthermore, if she'd maybe been curious about what personality disorder she might possibly have and started looking up info about BPD, it's pretty likely she would read about all sorts of things she could put on me to make herself "more right" about our breakup and if she could put BPD on me, it would more or less excuse a lot of her behavior as just being "caught up in my disorder", right?

Any of you ever think along those lines when you read some posts?

I know it sounds like kind of a paradox, but you guys see what I'm saying, right?

Scary.  Stop it    I was super crazy the last months of the relationship.  I have wondered if the feeling I had the last few months is the feeling that these people live with every day.  The FOG lead to a kind of dissociation, my boundaries were shot, I feared abandonment, depressed, anxious, could only do repetitive things well at work, raged at her at times, and was paranoid that she was trying to sabotage my character.  I was even trying to play head games with her. 

[MrConfused]

So, since BPD people project their disorder onto their partners and try to make the other person think they're the crazy one, isn't it possible that some posters could actually have been the BPD in the relationship and through all the distortion and inaccurate versions of "the truth" have convinced themselves that their exes have BPD when in reality it's them that has BPD?

The only reason I bring this up is that sometimes when I'm reading a post, I start to think, "Hey, this sounds familiar... . like something my ex could be saying about me through her own distorted perspective." Like, since she can't face that she's done all these crazy irrational things and basically has to gaslight me to make herself feel better, and she's absolutely got to be the victim and can't take any blame herself, logically wouldn't it make sense for her to come here and look for people to console her and tell her that she did no wrong and how awful I must have been?

Furthermore, if she'd maybe been curious about what personality disorder she might possibly have and started looking up info about BPD, it's pretty likely she would read about all sorts of things she could put on me to make herself "more right" about our breakup and if she could put BPD on me, it would more or less excuse a lot of her behavior as just being "caught up in my disorder", right?

Any of you ever think along those lines when you read some posts?

I know it sounds like kind of a paradox, but you guys see what I'm saying, right?

haha, won't lie I've felt the same at times (about myself) I see a lot of her in me at times. (i.e fearing abandonment/pushing her/pulling her back in towards the end) However, I know I never had these issues before I met her so I'm fairly sure I'm not the one with BPD. Who knows tho.

Scary thought.

[santa]

I think it's mostly because we have a small child together.

 I'm so glad I didn't have a kid with my ex. To do the right thing by the kid means having to remain involved, to some degree, with someone you really could do without having in your life. I miss her two young kids, but they aren't mine, so I don't have that obligation.

It's awful. Lol

I love my daughter, but Good Lord!

[santa]

Santa... A lot more newcomers recently. The shock is fresh. I know that when I came here I had been through the shock, denial, and bargaining. My thinking could not have been mistaken for sanity and I'm sure my closest family and friends thought I was having a nervous breakdown. So I arrived here in full blown depression. Suicidal depression. I bet I must have sounded like the KING of the BPD hill. BTW... . Been meaning to ask ya. Did you get my letter or didn't I make "nice" list again?

Ha. Yeah, I remember when I first came here. I'd never heard of borderline before, so I was really curious about it. I just read the board for a week or so before I decided to start posting. Now, I can't shut up.

The thing that has frustrated me the most about the whole thing is that I am still vulnerable to the slightest bit of kindness from my ex. Every time I think I'm totally "cured" of whatever this is, she'll somehow lure me into wanting her again. Then she basically spits in my face all over again and I feel like an idiot about it. I know for an absolute fact that re-entering that relationship would be a complete disaster, but for some reason a small part of me still wants it. I think it's mostly because we have a small child together. Either way, I try not to beat myself up about it and just try to press on.

I didn't get your letter. It's hard to find good help these days. Lol. Since my elves unionized, it's hit and miss. Lol

This is a different kind of bond. I have no children with the exBPDgf. The bond I have with her is the single strongest bond I've had in my life. That it is noteworthy to add she is also the sickest person I've ever had in my life. Somehow there is a connection other than guilt through association. I am a well respected individual. Solid family. All around great guy. The type borderlines go for. Stable with big soft shoulders. I'm not sure but having children with her may not have made the bond stronger- just more complicated. As selfish and immature as she was a child would have been competition for her and actually weakened our bond. A thought.

Yeah, you are absolutely right about competition. She wants our kid to be her clone, so she's set on dividing us. I think she got jealous that the baby and I get along so well, but since I spent so much more time with her, it was inevitable. Also, since my ex "doesn't know how to love" and I'm a little more nurturing, that's just how it played out.

It makes her mad that our daughter looks and acts more like me and not like her... . even though she's always going on about how beautiful our kid is. She told me as much in a drunk episode of hers. You can't make this stuff up.

She's really crazy... . Lol

[redkong]

haha, won't lie I've felt the same at times (about myself) I see a lot of her in me at times. (i.e fearing abandonment/pushing her/pulling her back in towards the end) However, I know I never had these issues before I met her so I'm fairly sure I'm not the one with BPD. Who knows tho.

Scary thought.

This is exactly what anchors me - I never had such a roller coaster r/s before my recent exgfwBPD, and after I left her several weeks ago, normalcy and equilibrium have gradually been returning.  Pretty freaking sure it wasn't me.

[ucmeicu2]

So, since BPD people project their disorder onto their partners and try to make the other person think they're the crazy one, isn't it possible that some posters could actually have been the BPD in the relationship and through all the distortion and inaccurate versions of "the truth" have convinced themselves that their exes have BPD when in reality it's them that has BPD?

yes, it is possible.

The only reason I bring this up is that sometimes when I'm reading a post, I start to think, "Hey, this sounds familiar... . like something my ex could be saying about me through her own distorted perspective." Any of you ever think along those lines when you read some posts?

yes, i've had thoughts like that.  in fact, if if i didn't know for a fact that my ex was in prison with no internet access, i'd swear she was writing some of these posts!  (as it is, i worry about her coming here when she gets out and reading and finding me out... . talk abt PTSD, jeesh)

I know it sounds like kind of a paradox, but you guys see what I'm saying, right?

yes, i see what you're saying... .

and in conclusion, i believe it is YOU, Santa, who is the mole!      

(pssst,  you do realize that they can see this post, doncha?     )

[arn131arn]

I had a hard time with this last week. I remembered that I didn't initiate any of the breakup cycles. I did not walk out of therapy after two sesions. I did not initiate physical contact, didn't withhold sex as punishment, didn't give her the silent treatment, didn't triangulate. What I did do was what I do best, I drank and drank heavily. So, yes, I had a part to play in it, I succumbed to the disorder and  got into a cycle of abuse. But I am NOT THE ONE WITH BPD!

[santa]

So, since BPD people project their disorder onto their partners and try to make the other person think they're the crazy one, isn't it possible that some posters could actually have been the BPD in the relationship and through all the distortion and inaccurate versions of "the truth" have convinced themselves that their exes have BPD when in reality it's them that has BPD?

yes, it is possible.

The only reason I bring this up is that sometimes when I'm reading a post, I start to think, "Hey, this sounds familiar... . like something my ex could be saying about me through her own distorted perspective." Any of you ever think along those lines when you read some posts?

yes, i've had thoughts like that.  in fact, if if i didn't know for a fact that my ex was in prison with no internet access, i'd swear she was writing some of these posts!  (as it is, i worry about her coming here when she gets out and reading and finding me out... . talk abt PTSD, jeesh)

I know it sounds like kind of a paradox, but you guys see what I'm saying, right?

yes, i see what you're saying... .

and in conclusion, i believe it is YOU, Santa, who is the mole!       

(pssst,  you do realize that they can see this post, doncha?     

LMAO!

We've got to smoke 'em out!

[MrConfused]

What I did do was what I do best, I drank and drank heavily. So, yes, I had a part to play in it, I succumbed to the disorder and  got into a cycle of abuse.

Likewise... I let her affect my health. Drinking with my friends felt like the only time I forgot about her, which wasn't healthy at all.

[TwoCents]

I'd say the possibility that there are personality disorders sufferers here portraying an ex as the "sick one" is all but certain.  I also think that many writers here were part of an emotionally immature, intense, and dysfunctional relationship where neither party has a personality disorder.  When we seek to find meaning and we have a preferred conclusion, we often connect dots that aren't there.  That having been said, obviously many here are or have dealt with obvious cases of severe personality disorder and this is clearly a great forum for those to receive support.

[MrConfused]

I also think that many writers here were part of an emotionally immature, intense, and dysfunctional relationship where neither party has a personality disorder.

That's true. Like I said when I started here, I wasn't (& still aren't) 100% sure that she has BPD. I just connected the dots based on everything she told me/did, It was quite scary dealing with a 30 year old who seemed to have the emotional age of a 14 yr old. However the way she acted could quite easily be also explained by the issues she'd had in the past... . but they could be caused by her having BPD, I just don't know.

& yes, I myself was/am fairly emotionally immature at times as well, so I blame myself quite a bit for the way it ended.

[EdR]

Hi Santa,

Well... several of my first posts on these boards were about this paradox. It is especially hard to tell since the tools to deal with a pwBPD are actually just BPD traits. I still have a lot of trouble with some of those tools tbh.

I also often had problems with the over-sexual nature of some posts. That just felt awfuly superficial and in a way BPD like as well.

For me the real difference in some cases is the empathy and general level of caring which is still visible through all the hurt. A pwBPD cannot genuinely do that.

Tbh, I still care a lot about her. I miss her.

[Edit] I obviously shouldn't care given her awful behaviour,  but I can't help it [/Edit]

[Pearl55]

The experience I had with my husband was soo scary. I'm shaking when I think about it. I really don't think anyone else in this forum had this kind of experience or even knowing about this disorder. The only think I can say, full blown borderlines are real psychos!

[EdR]

The experience I had with my husband was soo scary. I'm shaking when I think about it. I really don't think anyone else in this forum had this kind of experience or even knowing about this disorder. The only think I can say, full blown borderlines are real psychos!

Yeah, I wanted to incorporate that in my post as well.

Every pwBPD has his/her own individual traits as well and every relation users had on these boards with them is different.

My situation/hurt is nothing compared to yours, or to all the others' here with kids, married etc. etc... I can only imagine the horrors. :-(