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Author Topic: Withdrawing Contact Days 1 & 2 :)  (Read 896 times)
SeekingAdviceinCa
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« on: January 03, 2014, 05:14:31 PM »

So something has clicked inside since I joined this wonderful site yesterday.  If you want to read my story its here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=216871.0

Recap: currently separated living 7 hours apart.  We're supposed to be working on relationship, conducting ourselves as married, not seeing others for 6 months to see how things would go.  We are in month 4.  However, I now know she's been with 8 men (6 physically, 2 online) since the start of the trial separation (she doesn't know I know).  I would try to maintain contact regularly usually always being the one to initiate contact but she was often short, distant, unavailable (ha, because she was out on the prowl) rude or wouldn't answer or respond (because her phone would die, she fell asleep, ya know all the excuses for when she was out having fun) 

So... . I started the withdrawing contact as of yesterday afternoon.  Here's how the day went.

Text in the A.M. about her having a sore throat.  I just said sorry and I hope she felt better.

Text from her in the afternoon: "I have no motivation today at work."  I didn't respond.

Text from her in the evening: "Everything ok?"  I didn't respond.

Call from her in the evening.  I didn't pick up.

Facetime call from her in the evening.  I didn't pick up.

Message on Facebook in the evening.  I didn't respond.

Call this morning.  I answered and said briefly, "Hey, I'm fine.  My phone just died" (used one of her lines) and had a brief 1 minute convo.  That was it.

Text this afternoon from her like it was sent from our dog (she has custody, ha) that said "Hi dad, hope you're having a good day.  Love, pup" and a photo of the dog.

Now keep in mind, she has been short and unfriendly and distant and has even hung up on me multiple times over the past few months when I would initiate contact with her.  Now that I'm not available, just after ONE day... . she's sweet and reaching out.  Is this typical borderline behavior?

Thanks all!
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fromheeltoheal
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Relationship status: Broken up, I left her
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« Reply #1 on: January 03, 2014, 05:51:31 PM »

Yes it is.  The push/pull nature of the disorder, the continually fight between engulfment and abandonment, with the sufferer only content when successfully straddling the fence between them, short lived.  She was pushing, now you disappeared, she's feeling abandoned and panicking, so she's trying to lure you back, only to repeat.

Everyone does that on some level though.  You have changed the way you relate to her, you stuck with her throughout all the drama and infidelity, and now you're not, so the relationship has changed, and it's to be expected she's going to respond in some way, anyone would, it's just more intense with someone with the disorder.  I remember you saying that you've decided to live apart, still married, and that you each wouldn't date, although she's been screwing a bunch of guys.  She broke the deal, and now you are too with not responding; is it time for a renegotiation of the terms of your relationship, and whether or not there will be one?
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SeekingAdviceinCa
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« Reply #2 on: January 03, 2014, 06:26:41 PM »

I think the significant thing is that she just seemed to hardly care or be interested when I'd contact her the past few months.  And then when I don't immediately make myself available she then puts on this sweet/concerned front.
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winston72
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« Reply #3 on: January 03, 2014, 06:32:58 PM »

At least it's good to know that your dog is still being nice to you.  Sounds like Pup has stayed faithful. 

Okay, just looking for that silver lining... .

And I second everything that HtoH has posted.  Hmmm... . that was easy!
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SeekingAdviceinCa
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« Reply #4 on: January 03, 2014, 07:17:07 PM »

Winston,

He is the BEST dog.  He'll always be loyal.  Smiling (click to insert in post)

HeeltoHeal,

I'm definitely reassessing everything at this point and am feeling more inclined to pull the trigger on a divorce.  The betrayals have happened too frequently and the damage is too deep.  Her condition to getting back together is to have a baby right away.  I don't see that happening.  I'd have to fully trust someone first before I'd make a baby.  I don't trust her, it's even worse now than before. 

The one thing I asked her when she moved away for this separation period was "Please, whatever you do, don't don't hurt me again."  That lasted a week.  So much for that.
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Perfidy
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« Reply #5 on: January 03, 2014, 07:32:30 PM »

I think the significant thing is that she just seemed to hardly care or be interested when I'd contact her the past few months.  And then when I don't immediately make myself available she then puts on this sweet/concerned front.

This tells me you haven't had enough. Remember... Its your choice to stay involved. The marriage is clearly in jeopardy. I read your first thread. I read the others. You know anything she tells you and probably everything she has told you, has some kind of twist on it. The part about her and wanting kids... . It's a game. You know it won't have any effect on the outcome of your marriage. You know if she does have your child it will likely be another person affected by the fallout from your failing marriage. She knows this too and is waiting for you to call her bluff. She really doesn't want kids does she. No she doesn't or else she would already have one by now. So it's a game. You have both been playing. You continue to play by having contact with her. The more you prolong this the less time you will have to experience a person who really is into you.
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SeekingAdviceinCa
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« Reply #6 on: January 03, 2014, 08:47:25 PM »

Perfidy,

When I mentioned significance I was referring to how that seemed like a borderline trait. The push and pull.

But I completely agree with you on everything you said. I know today the big issue is kids. What will be the next?  And the next?  The therapist I talked to actually said the same thing. That this kids issue may be part of her push and pull and questioned if it's really what she wants.

Regardless this relationship is toxic and has damaged me a great deal. We have physically transitioned out by living apart. I'm working on the emotional transition which is much harder. I'm taking the first concrete steps by limiting contact.

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arn131arn
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« Reply #7 on: January 03, 2014, 11:02:24 PM »

Seeking, this post really reminded me of allot of my ex's behavior with the damn cel phone. The phone was always in the car or dead. Did she ever make u feel like u were trying to control her every move? Did she ever tell u that she should have her phone up her ass when it comes to u? I don't know, man. I feel like I can't trust someone who is always on the phone when I am with her yet never has it around or charged when I'm not. She also had her phone password protected the last year we were together

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RecycledNoMore
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« Reply #8 on: January 04, 2014, 04:40:24 AM »

Seeking, this post really reminded me of allot of my ex's behavior with the damn cel phone. The phone was always in the car or dead. Did she ever make u feel like u were trying to control her every move? Did she ever tell u that she should have her phone up her ass when it comes to u? I don't know, man. I feel like I can't trust someone who is always on the phone when I am with her yet never has it around or charged when I'm not. She also had her phone password protected the last year we were together

Same story with me,oh the battry was flat, oh I lost my charger, oh the dog ate my charger, oh I lost my phone, oh somethings wrong with my phone

But when he was around me

The fqing thing was glued to his hand

Still pisses me off.
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SeekingAdviceinCa
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« Reply #9 on: January 04, 2014, 12:56:04 PM »

Update Day 3:

I'm still holding strong. She texted once more last night about a tv show she's watching. I kept it to a one word response of "nice" . I'm normally not short or cold (this is foreign ton me ) so this is probably a rude awakening for her to get the kind of treatment she gave me for so many years. Or... . Maybe she's stressing and wondering if I've caught on to all her cheating?  Oh well, not my concern. I am NOT responsible for her emotions or feelings.  I am NOT falling into the trap.

I feel the strongest I've felt in months.
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patientandclear
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« Reply #10 on: January 04, 2014, 01:14:00 PM »

So ... . why not end it?  If you are at the point where you feel justified in essentially blowing off communication from her, because you know she's betrayed you -- aren't you done?  Not trying to rush you -- I can see you have already traveled a large and important distance in the past few days! -- but, this isn't where you want to end up, is it?  In the land of mutual manipulation through withdrawal & push/pull?  That becomes a contest and a power struggle, not a relationship.  (I've been there, spent a lot of time there--not saying this to be superior.  I think for a long time I was trying to regain my footing with my ex and not just stay in the one-down position, little consideration what I'd have if I attained an equal or one-up position using these tactics -- where I couldn't be open & loving with him without him pushing me away.)

Fromheeltoheal made an interesting point earlier -- that she violated the terms of your separation agreement, clearly, flagrantly, horribly; but now, you are too, but not communicating openly & fully.

Just want to suggest you consider whether your current impulse to pull back isn't telling you to pull further back than passive aggressive near-silent treatment of her.  How about a full statement of "I can't continue to be open with you when you haven't been faithful to our agreement and to our r/s since we initiated the separation."
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SeekingAdviceinCa
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« Reply #11 on: January 04, 2014, 01:25:12 PM »

Patient and clear,

I think you make many valid points. I think for me this feeling of strength is very new having been on the receiving of so much garbage for so long. Literally only the past few days have I've taken steps to get myself out of this. I think I need to be comfortable with it first?  I don't know how to better explain it. I am also waiting for the legal separation to finalize. She can mess up a lot of what we've negotiated if she wanted to so a message of "you've screwed me over for the last time" would be premature. BUT I am building up to it and can see myself getting there sooner than I thought. This may sound bad but it's a weird feeling getting my balls back so to speak. They've been detached for so long. Lol.

I didn't think of withdrawing contact as manipulation on my part but I see your point. I'm just SO incredibly hurt by all that's been said and done that feeling like I had some control of the situation by limiting contact made sense. And really, since I had been the one making all the effort for the most part to communicate these past months, it's still new to me to not be in touch with her regularly. I want to be in a stronger place (and the legal separation done) before I do the end it all conversation. But I can see that happening now. I just need to get to a better place with myself before I can do that if that makes sense.
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patientandclear
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« Reply #12 on: January 04, 2014, 01:41:08 PM »

Yes, that all makes total sense.  The journey you're on took me many many months so your covering the ground in just a few days/weeks seems very mature to me!

I just really get that feeling of "wow -- look at this!" you were expressing when you withdrew communication & she instantly responded with more warmth and sweetness.  It can be easy to start thinking of this as a solution.  But of course, one cannot continuously withdraw.  And also, after a time, rather than triggering chasing behavior by her, it will occur to her that you are leaving & that will prompt pre-emptive leaving behavior by her, too.

You sound great.  Getting your balls back is a super important step Smiling (click to insert in post)  Spend however much time in that place as you need to.  I was just flagging that that can never be a good end-point (where you are withdrawing on purpose hoping to elicit warmth from her).
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fromheeltoheal
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« Reply #13 on: January 04, 2014, 01:46:26 PM »

I want to be in a stronger place (and the legal separation done) before I do the end it all conversation. But I can see that happening now. I just need to get to a better place with myself before I can do that if that makes sense.

Yes, it makes sense.  Toward the end of my relationship the interactions were absolutely crazymaking for me; trust was gone in both directions, had been for a while, I was getting a continuous barrage of bullsht from her, and I literally could not see straight.  It took me leaving and staying gone for a while to get my feet on the ground and start to think straight again.  :)isappearing without a trace and ignoring communication attempts is passive aggressive, but we do the best we can, and passive aggressive is far better than passive, get your balls back as you mention, although active aggressive might be better still, while assertive is the best.  I say get your feet on the ground for a while and then search inside for what is "right", not hard really, and then do that; it's usually just a matter of living true to your values and with integrity.  Take care of you!
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SeekingAdviceinCa
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« Reply #14 on: January 04, 2014, 01:59:50 PM »

Patient and clear and heeltoheal:

Thank you. Great great points. That helps me be even more aware. I think I'm getting to the point of assertiveness. That's a struggle. To feel like you've been completely neutered to feeling any ability to be assertive is a big distance to trek.  I'm also a more passive and mild mannered personality so that plays a roll too.

I'm getting my feet on the ground slowly and in touch with myself.

And the point on values and integrity... . Struck me. Nothing she is doing adheres to the standard of what I consider a relationship to be.  My values have been violated repeatedly and yet I still considered staying with this person?  Eyes are opening my friends. Eyes are opening. Thank you.
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