Effects of deception

[Awakecj]

I thought I was doing really well emotionally but I've taken a huge leap backwards. I'm now divorced after an almost 2 year battle, living on my own yet what keeps dragging me backwards are my thoughts around how deceptive my now ex-hwBPD was during our entire marriage of 33 years. The longer I'm away from him the more information I learn about his cheating and pursuing of other women and it is consuming my thoughts.

It is hard for me to reconcile this level of deceit, I am just so insulted and hurt, he was my husband for god's sake. It is unbelievable to me, I want it to be untrue but know there is no changing the truth.

He was so cruel, especially during the last few years but the cheating is what is killing me inside. I know intellectually that it was about him but it feels so personal - I feel so inadequate, not good enough, less than.

[fromheeltoheal]

I feel so inadequate, not good enough, less than.

Yep, me too when I left her; that is common fallout from a relationship with someone who is abusive, disrespectful, condescending and belittling, and we hang around trying to 'fix' it.  That crap wears on you after a while when you listen to it and let it matter.

My ex cheated on me too, but she didn't consider it cheating.  She would have sex as a means to soothe, a means to cope, a way to check out of her life for a few minutes, it was all about take and she wasn't really 'there' when having sex.  And of course leading men on, who would then lavish her with affection, attention, gifts, made her doubt her own self hatred for a minute, so she got a couple of soothing benefits from her trysts.  She also didn't consider it cheating because she would never come as close to me as I wanted, always an emotional distance, so to her, what was there to cheat on?

If we assume the cheating, which is what it is, and the lack of emotional closeness is because there's something wrong with us and/or the folks they're cheating with are 'better' than us, it creates major pain; preaching to the choir I realize.  But what if, instead, we were in relationships with folks with serious mental illnesses that have left them emotionally stunted and full of self loathing, to the point they could never really appreciate or benefit from the gifts we have to offer, and since everything happens for a reason, we needed to go through our time in hell to solidify our confidence in those gifts, so we can go out and create heaven on earth with someone healthy, something a borderline can't even imagine.  I like that viewpoint better.

[allweareisallweare]

I know this might sound glib and outsiderish, but all I can say is that you A) Are obviously better off without him - that sounds cliche, but it's true, since that abuse (of his cheating) would corrode and corrode you were you still together and considered so B) This isn't a man that anyone admires - I know that the vast majority of women envisage that their man will remain true and devoted to them, the way a husband says he will in his vows. He has to contend with what guilt and regret is left as remainder - we know that BPD is all entwined with that. I'm sorry that this has befallen you. You count, you mean a lot - I know that these are just words and words cannot replace feelings, but I shall try - so don't feel inadequate and less than. It seems that  the vast vast majority of people in BPD relationships are good people - better than average, in fact. I perceive so much loving and insight here from the people it's uncanny. These can be Achilles Heels because these traits which we espouse to try and make the world a better place are easily undone by BPD and their reckless actions. How do we surmount it? It's essential that we don't look at ourselves within the context of the illness - we are healthy to the extent where we are not afflicted with this Cluster B Personality Disorder - and think we were a cause, our love wasn't enough, we were not enough - we were enough, we were always TOO MUCH for BPD. I'm not saying they're not deserving of love, I'm just hinting ... . hmmm, and as I type now I have hit a little brick wall so this is a live thought if you like ... . they will struggle, through their distorted viewpoints and debased value system, they will struggle, and of course I am thinking to my own situation as I type.

I wish you love and luck and peace

[Awakecj]

She also didn't consider it cheating because she would never come as close to me as I wanted, always an emotional distance, so to her, what was there to cheat on?

If we assume the cheating, which is what it is, and the lack of emotional closeness is because there's something wrong with us and/or the folks they're cheating with are 'better' than us, it creates major pain; preaching to the choir I realize. 

But what if, instead, we were in relationships with folks with serious mental illnesses that have left them emotionally stunted and full of self loathing, to the point they could never really appreciate or benefit from the gifts we have to offer, and since everything happens for a reason, we needed to go through our time in hell to solidify our confidence in those gifts, so we can go out and create heaven on earth with someone healthy, something a borderline can't even imagine.  I like that viewpoint better.

heeltoheal

Much of my suffering comes from my ex's justification for cheating. I am shocked that it isn't crystal clear to him that it was wrong on so many levels. It wrecks havoc in my head and heart trying to understand how he could justify this in any way. Your ex's justification for cheating, or not cheating in her eyes, sounds so familiar and reinforces to me that their reasoning isn't logical in my eyes and will never be. I hope to be at peace with that one day.

Yes, I get hung up on the "others" being better and that is primarily what causes such me such grief but I love your "instead" viewpoint. Love that and although I think that everything happens for a reason, I want to really believe it and invest in it. I'm still working on believing I have gifts and building new hope that I can go out and create heaven on earth with someone healthy. Thank you.

[Awakecj]

B) This isn't a man that anyone admires - I know that the vast majority of women envisage that their man will remain true and devoted to them, the way a husband says he will in his vows. He has to contend with what guilt and regret is left as remainder - we know that BPD is all entwined with that.

You count, you mean a lot - so don't feel inadequate and less than. It seems that  the vast vast majority of people in BPD relationships are good people - better than average, in fact. I perceive so much loving and insight here from the people it's uncanny.

These can be Achilles Heels because these traits which we espouse to try and make the world a better place are easily undone by BPD and their reckless actions. How do we surmount it? It's essential that we don't look at ourselves within the context of the illness - we are healthy to the extent where we are not afflicted with this Cluster B Personality Disorder - and think we were a cause, our love wasn't enough, we were not enough - we were enough, we were always TOO MUCH for BPD. I'm not saying they're not deserving of love, I'm just hinting ... . hmmm, and as I type now I have hit a little brick wall so this is a live thought if you like ... . they will struggle, through their distorted viewpoints and debased value system, they will struggle, and of course I am thinking to my own situation as I type.

I wish you love and luck and peace

allweareisallweare

All I have to say is I cried while reading your post.  As a wife, yes I envisioned a true and devoted husband. I didn't think there was any other way. I'm not naive that cheating goes on in marriages but I didn't expect it from my husband.

Thank you for writing that I mean a lot and am potentially a better than average person because I have doubts and question my role in this craziness. I don't think I'm perfect of course, I made mistakes, could have done better but I have done absolutely nothing to be ashamed of, something my ex certainly cannot claim. I like thinking that my love was too much, it spins a different perspective than not being good enough.

It may be cruel on my end but I don't pity my ex's struggles.

Thank you for your post.

[partyhat]

This thread has brought tears to my eyes and at the same time I am comforted by the advice.  I too have suffered this and am still suffering, am left with real trust issues and also cant cope withe level of deceit. I know  its not me but you cant help wondering sometimes.  Thank you for posting.

[santa]

This is one of the saddest things I've read on this site. I feel really badly for you. Just awful.

I know it's not going to make you feel better, but speaking as a guy who has cheated, it really has nothing to do with you. Men are just attracted to women. When we see one we think is pretty, we wonder if we can get her to have sex with us... . so we check it out. It has nothing to do with the person we're with. That's just what we do.

Obviously he liked you the best. He spent 33 years married to you. None of these other women were even remotely important to him in the way you were.

[allweareisallweare]

You're welcome, I am grateful for different scenarios myself - 33 years, I said to myself, is longer than I have even been on earth by some stretch. I say that you're better than the average person not to create a hierarchy out of society, but to just acknowledge the bitter pill we have swallowed, that what we have endured has given us some level of empathy and insight by default.   - BPD and its multiple ugly heads. As I reiterate, you are better than this man   because his disposable loves/cheating were just like popping pills - they lasted for a while and when the high subsided ( although surely these people are mechanical after a while, the highs and lows blur into just action) and he floated back down to earth, he must have felt a very very lonely person.

I actually fear that most males cheat, most meaning more than fifty per cent, sadly. I only had one relationship Long term and it was the BPD and it was Long distance as well - I never looked at another woman, I tried to be the model partner, whereas the person could have lost the lottery as well and just got a young guy who just didn't know the meaning of commitment. I don't see love and relationships the same anymore, the sacredness receded like *that* and I know that they'll be people in the world who crave and strive their lives to find someone who believes (understands) in the basic sanctity of togetherness rather than the corroded disposable culture we seem to be among now.

In the black and white view of a Borderline, all I got was grey - the person I was with and never even looked at another woman for for 5.5 years - a long time in a young person's life! - claimed that I left her and suddenly had a new relationship after ten days. But it was orchestrated; she was actually Diagnosed... . Resultantly, I have to go through life without closure - no apology, no acknowledgement of blame, nil empathy, and NO CONTACT from my part, even though I am 99.9 per cent sure the rebound has car-crashed ... . but, I say and I swear, I pray - you may call me cruel, but the notion of forgiveness just is lost on me, forgiveness for what ends? I but maximum work and love and effort in, I chose to NC and loathe - I genuinely hope that the exBPD in my case ends up in a cycle of cheating people, it's stupid of me to wish her luck or happiness when I know she neither deserves or is incapable of obtaining it.  You deserve to be cruel. You can think what you like and I will understand, myself, personally. I am wired to the point now where I just don't give two pennies really - genuine outsiders just don't have a clue, I have found. For them we must be good, get over it, move on - that is the root of why I say that we are better than the average by this default struggle, because we know, and we might not have reached the bottom of these oceans, but we know... . so be cruel - you've already been kind!

I say again, I feel that we just seem to be on the whole empathetic beings and this is exercised on the board here whilst we share and come to terms with our collective struggles.

Thirty-three years is evidence alone. Combine that with BPD and then that gives you the advantage. Try and think: "Wow, that long, that illness" whenever you're feeling bad (and please don't, you'll make me sad as well if you do) about yourself. I mean it was everything I am, down to my name and all the blood in my veins - I could not have done anything more for the person in my case, and as I enter month four of no contact it's not as if you grow distant from it every day - you actually grow closer, you see it in its true ugliness because time gives perspective and who said that perspective was going to bring baby rabbits and birdies hopping out of a box? It just renews things for me.

[allweareisallweare]

Also, aside, I think what is harder still as we are seemingly left alone and stranded and cut adrift from the world and life, as I feel I am, the problem is that we inherently see ourselves through other people in this existential mirroring theory - for BPD this is fatal as they have to sleep with/be in two-minute romances with people to validate themselves. Us 'healthies' need the basics, no sauce, no extra fries - love, compassion, devotion, and trust fulfilled. Trust is like holding open an empty box which you know you need to fill - just as any love can fill a heart. As it is humanly possible to trust oneself, I think there is major corruption with the 'trust myself' gene with BPDs - they can't trust themselves and they can't love themselves, hence the behavior - the hardest saddest and cruelest lesson in life - it always happens in relationships - is that we can give everything, superlove,  and yet ... . our heart shaped peg doesn't fit into the BPD-shaped hole!

Being alone is hard for anyone and for always, but it allows us to polish that mirror - not that we don't need anyone, but we can try to reflect light into ourselves for once, rather than giving. Loving is an addiction, I know, a need so strong - and as I say, the BPD family seems to be made up of this big lighthouses of love and compassion, hence the better theory :P

[Awakecj]

My very supportive brother has tried to console me by telling me men just don't feel the same way about cheating as women. I understand his point of view and the fact that he is trying to make me feel better but I don't agree that it is ok. I will not justify or normalize my ex's cheating as I justified so many of his cruel behaviors. I thought I married a better man and it is crushingly painful to learn who he really is or was all those years.

I know I am confusing healthy behavior with mentally ill behavior but it hurts nonetheless.

[Changingman]

I really want to say something to you, I was in a 14 year RS with a BPD. It was harrowing. They hate themselves and foist it all on you, control and lies... . the worst kind of abuse is from 'loved' ones. I agree with them they are the stinkiest people.

They deserve nothing but our contempt.

Heal and move on.

[imstronghere2]

Awakecj, please accept that one cannot categorize that ALL men or women will think or behave a "certain" way.  Perfect example is this new ridiculous TV show "Girl Code" or "Guy Code".  I watched one episode of the "Girl Code" and it was completely absurd.  Then I could only stomach to watch about 5 minutes of "Guy Code" before I had to switch it off.  It was insulting at best.

As far as cheating goes, I for one was loyal and faithful throughout my 19 year marriage.  I waited until after the divorce was final before I even attempted to try to get out and date.  I wanted my kids to bear witness and never forget that THIS is how it can and should be.  They had their mother as an example of how NOT to be.

In no way do all men cheat or think of cheating in the same way.  There are plenty on this board who can give testament to that.

You will eventually be able to accept that his cheating wasn't about you, wasn't a reflection back on you and most importantly was in NO WAY your fault.  It will always hurt but you won't have to live with the guilt.  That's ALL on him.

[Waifed]

I thought I was doing really well emotionally but I've taken a huge leap backwards. I'm now divorced after an almost 2 year battle, living on my own yet what keeps dragging me backwards are my thoughts around how deceptive my now ex-hwBPD was during our entire marriage of 33 years. The longer I'm away from him the more information I learn about his cheating and pursuing of other women and it is consuming my thoughts.

It is hard for me to reconcile this level of deceit, I am just so insulted and hurt, he was my husband for god's sake. It is unbelievable to me, I want it to be untrue but know there is no changing the truth.

He was so cruel, especially during the last few years but the cheating is what is killing me inside. I know intellectually that it was about him but it feels so personal - I feel so inadequate, not good enough, less than.

I also felt totally deceived and I still have moments of processing and aha moments.  I am slowly accepting the fact that it was not my fault and that she is the one with the morality issues.  I still can not believe that I dated someone that is so filthy.  It also makes me mad that I let it go on as long as I did without ending it sooner, but it could be worse.  I could still be in it. 

It is not your fault.  You are a moral person so you can not comprehend that some people only care for themselves.  They have no respect for others, especially ones they are supposed to love.  Pity him.  He is unworthy of receiving the love that you  tried to give him.  He can not love himself, so how can he accept love from another.

[Starlight607]

I have read all the threads with interest as I am in a low phase having split with my BPD bf for a while but he keeps making contact. I do not want to go back to him at all and wish he could leave me alone however I, too, find the deception the worst part. He cheated which was bad enough but the lies that went with our relationship alongside have had such a profound effect on me. I have never been in such a relationship before and this total lack of respect has been a huge problem for me to get my head round.  That and on being found out he just could not apologise beyond the superficial initial apology and had excuses for it all. At no point has he been able to accept responsibility except when he desperately wanted me back but that was short lived once he got me back. It's a hell I would not wish on anyone. It makes you feel rubbish if you let it and being a sensitive and caring person I let it. P

[Iwalk-Heruns]

My very supportive brother has tried to console me by telling me men just don't feel the same way about cheating as women. I understand his point of view and the fact that he is trying to make me feel better but I don't agree that it is ok. I will not justify or normalize my ex's cheating as I justified so many of his cruel behaviors. I thought I married a better man and it is crushingly painful to learn who he really is or was all those years.

I know I am confusing healthy behavior with mentally ill behavior but it hurts nonetheless.

.

Awake, I am sorry for what has happened to you. You can tell you are a loving and caring person and wife. I know the pain of deception and betrayal. The deception is so hard because obviously you don't know and don't have the benefit of making the right decision for yourself. That's what makes it so insidious. They have all the info and you are left in the dark.

As far as men don't feel the same about cheating. Ahhhh! I cringe everytime I hear a statement like this made. That men just like pretty woman and want to sleep with them. No big deal!  Not all men think like this I know for a fact. Yes it is a small minority but not all. They say things like this and then wonder why woman can be insecure and they wonder why they have problems in relationships. Oh and I'm sure as is verified on this site some woman do the same thing. So it goes both ways especially these days.

I don't know about you but it is no comfort hearing this theory and I think it is total bs. As if men are just animals with no brain for making the right decision. The men who say this are looking for justification for horrible behavior. They even like to trot out scientific fact. Bs. I'm sure your brother just wanted to make you feel better but most people who say this I think are just one of them.  Ahhhh! this subject makes me so mad I could scream.

I'm sure I will get flack for this but... .

[SeekingAdviceinCa]

Much of my suffering comes from my ex's justification for cheating. I am shocked that it isn't crystal clear to him that it was wrong on so many levels. It wrecks havoc in my head and heart trying to understand how he could justify this in any way.

Hi Awakecj,

I completely understand where you are coming from.  I've spent countless hours trying to figure out how my wife could have done the things she's done, justify them, and somehow turn it around on me and make me to blame. 

I tried to rationalize this irrational behavior.  But there in lies the problem.  You CAN'T rationalize something that is irrational because THEY are not rational.  They suffer from an illness which warps their perception of themselves and others.  Trying to make sense of it causes "us" so much pain because we want answers and an understanding of how this could happen.  I think the hardest part in recovering from a relationship like this is to just accept certain things for what they are - simply that they are wrong.  That they did wrong.  That they treated us wrong.  That it is not our fault.  And that we deserve much much better.

[fromheeltoheal]

Awake, I am sorry for what has happened to you. You can tell you are a loving and caring person and wife. I know the pain of deception and betrayal. The deception is so hard because obviously you don't know and don't have the benefit of making the right decision for yourself. That's what makes it so insidious. They have all the info and you are left in the dark.

As far as men don't feel the same about cheating. Ahhhh! I cringe everytime I hear a statement like this made. That men just like pretty woman and want to sleep with them. No big deal!  Not all men think like this I know for a fact. Yes it is a small minority but not all. They say things like this and then wonder why woman can be insecure and they wonder why they have problems in relationships. Oh and I'm sure as is verified on this site some woman do the same thing. So it goes both ways especially these days.

I don't know about you but it is no comfort hearing this theory and I think it is total bs. As if men are just animals with no brain for making the right decision. The men who say this are looking for justification for horrible behavior. They even like to trot out scientific fact. Bs. I'm sure your brother just wanted to make you feel better but most people who say this I think are just one of them.  Ahhhh! this subject makes me so mad I could scream.

I'm sure I will get flack for this but... .

I agree with you Iwalk, total bullsht.  The part I always find funny is all these men who are doing all this cheating and having all this sex, who exactly are they having sex WITH?  Le'me guess, they're all passing around some slut while all the rest of the women are virtuous and loyal.  Ha!  Not.

The truth is both sexes like sex a whole lot, and people, men and women both, have different levels of sex drive; some like a lot, some don't.  :)uh.  Another huge factor is men are usually the pursuers and women are the pursued, so the definitions of 'virtue' and accomplishment are different for men than for women.  Accordingly, men will tend to glorify and inflate the quantity of their sexual conquests while women will tend to minimize and reduce their's, the underlying motivation being the same.

There was a large Kinsey report that asked men and women how many sexual partners they'd had in their lives; the average for men was 7 and the average for women was 4.  Now ask yourself, how is that statistically possible?  Oh yeah, it's that slut again.  Whatever.  People like to fck, have you noticed?

[SeekingAdviceinCa]

Accordingly, men will tend to glorify and inflate the quantity of their sexual conquests while women will tend to minimize and reduce their's, the underlying motivation being the same.

My wife is the opposite.  She is bragging about her current sex conquests and is not afraid to go into detail with those she's sharing her stories with.  She'll be very very surprised to find out one day that I know everything's she been up to. 

[Iwalk-Heruns]

Awake, I am sorry for what has happened to you. You can tell you are a loving and caring person and wife. I know the pain of deception and betrayal. The deception is so hard because obviously you don't know and don't have the benefit of making the right decision for yourself. That's what makes it so insidious. They have all the info and you are left in the dark.

As far as men don't feel the same about cheating. Ahhhh! I cringe everytime I hear a statement like this made. That men just like pretty woman and want to sleep with them. No big deal!  Not all men think like this I know for a fact. Yes it is a small minority but not all. They say things like this and then wonder why woman can be insecure and they wonder why they have problems in relationships. Oh and I'm sure as is verified on this site some woman do the same thing. So it goes both ways especially these days.

I don't know about you but it is no comfort hearing this theory and I think it is total bs. As if men are just animals with no brain for making the right decision. The men who say this are looking for justification for horrible behavior. They even like to trot out scientific fact. Bs. I'm sure your brother just wanted to make you feel better but most people who say this I think are just one of them.  Ahhhh! this subject makes me so mad I could scream.

I'm sure I will get flack for this but... .

I agree with you Iwalk, total bullsht.  The part I always find funny is all these men who are doing all this cheating and having all this sex, who exactly are they having sex WITH?  Le'me guess, they're all passing around some slut while all the rest of the women are virtuous and loyal.  Ha!  Not.

The truth is both sexes like sex a whole lot, and people, men and women both, have different levels of sex drive; some like a lot, some don't.  :)uh.  Another huge factor is men are usually the pursuers and women are the pursued, so the definitions of 'virtue' and accomplishment are different for men than for women.  Accordingly, men will tend to glorify and inflate the quantity of their sexual conquests while women will tend to minimize and reduce their's, the underlying motivation being the same.

There was a large Kinsey report that asked men and women how many sexual partners they'd had in their lives; the average for men was 7 and the average for women was 4.  Now ask yourself, how is that statistically possible?  Oh yeah, it's that slut again.  Whatever.  People like to fck, have you noticed?

Thanks heeltoheal. I like to hear a mans point of view that isn't geared toward the oh "men will be men"  theory. God I hate that.  it really triggers me.  It's about the quality of the person not what sex they are.

And hey my thought is if someone wants to just screw around that's their prerogative. Just don't do it on my dime while your talking about marriage and telling me I'm the love of your life. Then your just a player and a bad person. If not worse.

Yea the statistic thing seems out of whack.

And yes I have noticed people like to f@ck! And f@ck people over without a thought.

It makes me feel so good to know there are truly good guys out there. I think why I hate that statement so much is not even so much for what happened to me but it makes me feel no hope for future relationships. I'm hoping that isn't true.

[maxen]

this thread is heartrending, but it also addresses the thing that has violated me the most, that is, the deceit, and the feeling of contempt and exclusion that came with it. it has left me close to cracking. in a sense i'm relieved to see that it has affected others so deeply also. the divorce process, the sense of failure, all that would have been awful under any circumstances but we could have had our dignity and even the chance at friendship if she had handled it honestly, but she chose to lie for weeks - lies by omission, lies by commission, lies about lying, baiting lies - and then run, and then treat the entire business with a callousness that can only be described as disturbed. thank god you others here know.

i also want to second what imstrong and Iwalk said about gender and attitudes towards infidelity. i think of all the married men i know and not one has cheated to my knowledge, and my knowledge is pretty good. i certainly didn't. i think men who betray are cowards and sleazebags. i think women who betray are too.

[fromheeltoheal]

My wife is the opposite.  She is bragging about her current sex conquests and is not afraid to go into detail with those she's sharing her stories with.  She'll be very very surprised to find out one day that I know everything's she been up to. 

Yeah, my borderline ex did that too; she told me she's been with 60 people, because in her head it elevates her worth, but then again, she's got a serious mental illness, an anomaly.  This is the same gal who told me "I can get anything I want with a blow job."  Yeah, OK sunshine, stay stuck in your teens if you must.  At least I tested negative.

[SeekingAdviceinCa]

this thread is heartrending, but it also addresses the thing that has violated me the most, that is, the deceit, and the feeling of contempt and exclusion that came with it. it has left me close to cracking. in a sense i'm relieved to see that it has affected others so deeply also. the divorce process, the sense of failure, all that would have been awful under any circumstances but we could have had our dignity and even the chance at friendship if she had handled it honestly, but she chose to lie for weeks - lies by omission, lies by commission, lies about lying, baiting lies - and then run, and then treat the entire business with a callousness that can only be described as disturbed. thank god you others here know.

My stbxwife and I always planned to remain friends no matter what would happen to the marriage.  To now know she has be unfaithful many times and has lied countless times makes any desire for a friendship just seem impossible.  I feel like it's two losses... . the loss of a spouse and the loss of a dear friend.  But I keep thinking... . if this person was at a minimum a friend, what kind of friend is deceitful, manipulative, lies and cheats?  Would I want that type of person in my life?  The answer is no.  This is why I have no other choice but to move on.

[SeekingAdviceinCa]

Yeah, my borderline ex did that too; she told me she's been with 60 people, because in her head it elevates her worth, but then again, she's got a serious mental illness, an anomaly.  This is the same gal who told me "I can get anything I want with a blow job."  Yeah, OK sunshine, stay stuck in your teens if you must.  At least I tested negative.

It seems like my stbxwife thrives on how much attention she's getting all the while it doesn't matter to her that she's still married and under a promise to try and work on the marriage.  She's perfectly happy to brag about threesomes (not 100% sure if this is true or not) all types of sex acts, sex with guys on the day she first met them, all of it. 

When I discovered this, I felt disgusted and sorry for her at the same time.  What a sad person she is who has to give her body away to men who don't even care about her in order to make herself feel better.  That is NOT someone who I want to be the mother of my children someday. 

My detaching from her picks up steam by the day.

[Dutched]

I recognize your deeply sad story Awakecj. The cruelty in using your trust!

In the 3 decades r/s with ex, she never cheated (nor did I on her), not even flirted with other men. However the last year, she accidently met an old school friend when she was a 15 yrs. old, about 35 yrs. ago. Reluctant, she replied on his “charming” mail, took the bait in a sense. After 3 mails it became “emotional adultery”.  As you imagine, I found out…

Didn’t confront her yet, waiting for her to just tell “hé I have met XYZ from long a go”.  Nothing, of course.

Confronting her, she reacted as predicted, caught (guilty... . ), toddler (I didn’t mean to... . ) aggressive to deflect to make me guilty (you should shame yourself, that is my privacy, my life!... . ) I didn’t accept any of her childish excuses!

Part of the trust I regained in 2 yrs.(matters calmed down) tumbled down like an avalanche. I was so devastated, so intense hurt, even now as I am writing this. As you wrote, feeling inadequate, … but we are not.   

Certainly not all BPDs cheat. It seemed for the ones we lived with for so long “a challenge” to do, searching for the Border line… Exciting and really something different…  for us just cruel!  And again… they don’t stop to be, even ehen they are gone.

[Awakecj]

My experience with deception has been with a man but I realize women cheat as well. In my circumstance, someone had to be on the receiving end of his affairs and from what I've read about BPD, it is often married people that are the target for seducing. In fact, I confronted him many times about the potential of him cheating with specific women and his canned response was always, oh she is married. On some level, I guess I always knew but denial served a purpose in my life. I didn't want a broken home for our kids.

I think what has been getting me down recently, is the day to day memories that keep popping up in my head. I recall every day conversations with him and realize now that on the side he had this alternate life going and that, in my mind, alters my experience. It creates such an uncomfortable sensation in my body, this extreme disbelief that my life was not what I thought. I was a partner in a very dark life and wasn't even aware. The betrayal, lack of respect, and manipulation that were occurring that I didn't even know about is really hard to process.

When I was ready to see the truth, I found postcards and at that moment - I had a vision of him carrying on this parallel life of betrayal. How would I had seen that had I not on some level believed that was going on? Had it not been for those postcards, I may have gone back with him but for me cheating was the final deal breaker. Never mind he was/is an alcoholic and cruel, it was the cheating and the deception involved that did it for me. I guess I can be thankful I found the postcards because the truth as painful as it is came from me finding those. I still find it hard to believe this is/was my life, he was my husband because I had so much invested in it/him and so wanted my happy ending. I gave him way too much credit for being an honorable man when he was the opposite and that is embarrassing, humiliating.

I started feeling a little better yesterday. Most likely because I was able to turn my thinking around to focus on me instead of him and what he did to me. I have to remember that I left him, I chose to get out of a relationship that seemed to be destroying me. It is not what I wanted, I tried really hard to make it work but in the end, there was no hope. No hope left for him really being the person I thought he was. No hope for the happy ending I wanted and desired that kept me in the r/s. I really have to find new hope however, because now there is a void in my heart that held onto that for so long.