I can see the light

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Dear readers,

I am still recovering from the relationship with my UxBPDgf. My first appointment with a psychiatrist will be next thursday. I have found great resources of help at this site and this is a good starting point to actually try to make an uninvolved person see what *I* went through: https://bpdfamily.com/content/how-borderline-relationship-evolves .

After exchanging happy and friendly XMAS Greetings with my UxBPDgf basically a "hi, how are you feeling, how is your family, I am trying to reach out to you" from me yesterday was countered with following reply from her today:

“XXX, I am just tired of you suppressing me and telling me what I feel and how you've been there already... During the time I was with you, especially the last few months I lost my identity, personality, any feeling of self respect and self-confidence. At the moment I am rediscovering myself and it is a beautiful experience! I enjoy it and need to do some work, but feel 100 times better than before our breakup. So if you have any respect for me and want me to be happy as you claim, then leave me alone, please :-) I would really appreciate it.”

The text itself sounds good for her (on one level) - but after reading hours and hours of BPD self help groups and self help groups for loved ones of BPDs - that is textbook reply.

I am, of course, happy to have found closure in regard that I know "what was wrong" the past 18 months - but I have to cope with the pain that everything that was good is like an unacknowledged dream.

I have read a lot in the "tools" section of bpdfamily.com - and now that she is black painting me (again) it is an even more no-brainer that I deleted all social media connections to her, blocked her on Facebook, Sykpe, via email and mobile phone.

I never ever had to take measures like this in my life - but I am afraid of her reaching out to me someday and that we will "recycle" any aspect of the relationship, which includes me acting out my giving nature, just to be stabbed to death in my heart again.

My UxBPDgf will  - and it is protocolled by various websites about BPD - is giving me the sole reason for any problem she ever had and is twisting reality to the maximum of her defensive capability.

At the same time I am detached from my family more than ever and my fear is that she will degrade me in front of friends, family and coworkers.

There is no other thing I can do but enforce a complete NC ("no contact" policy on this person.

To my knowledge the biggest mistakes I made were letting her move in with me although there were easy alternatives and that I actually confronted her with BPD, which I only got to learn by googling for the phrase “How to help a depressed person” about 3 months ago.

My first introductory post can be found here:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=217153

Love,

[cureandcause]

Dear readers,

I am still recovering from the relationship with my UxBPDgf. My first appointment with a psychiatrist will be next thursday. I have found great resources of help at this site and this is a good starting point to actually try to make an uninvolved person see what *I* went through: https://bpdfamily.com/content/how-borderline-relationship-evolves .

After exchanging happy and friendly XMAS Greetings with my UxBPDgf basically a "hi, how are you feeling, how is your family, I am trying to reach out to you" from me yesterday was countered with following reply from her today:

“XXX, I am just tired of you suppressing me and telling me what I feel and how you've been there already... During the time I was with you, especially the last few months I lost my identity, personality, any feeling of self respect and self-confidence. At the moment I am rediscovering myself and it is a beautiful experience! I enjoy it and need to do some work, but feel 100 times better than before our breakup. So if you have any respect for me and want me to be happy as you claim, then leave me alone, please :-) I would really appreciate it.”

The text itself sounds good for her (on one level) - but after reading hours and hours of BPD self help groups and self help groups for loved ones of BPDs - that is textbook reply.

I am, of course, happy to have found closure in regard that I know "what was wrong" the past 18 months - but I have to cope with the pain that everything that was good is like an unacknowledged dream.

I have read a lot in the "tools" section of bpdfamily.com - and now that she is black painting me (again) it is an even more no-brainer that I deleted all social media connections to her, blocked her on Facebook, Sykpe, via email and mobile phone.

I never ever had to take measures like this in my life - but I am afraid of her reaching out to me someday and that we will "recycle" any aspect of the relationship, which includes me acting out my giving nature, just to be stabbed to death in my heart again.

My UxBPDgf will  - and it is protocolled by various websites about BPD - is giving me the sole reason for any problem she ever had and is twisting reality to the maximum of her defensive capability.

At the same time I am detached from my family more than ever and my fear is that she will degrade me in front of friends, family and coworkers.

There is no other thing I can do but enforce a complete NC ("no contact" policy on this person.

To my knowledge the biggest mistakes I made were letting her move in with me although there were easy alternatives and that I actually confronted her with BPD, which I only got to learn by googling for the phrase “How to help a depressed person” about 3 months ago.

My first introductory post can be found here:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=217153

Love,

[fromheeltoheal]

Welcome CnC-

You've clearly done a lot of research on the disorder, and good for you; I got an enormous dose of "Whew!  It wasn't me!" when I read all these materials.

To put things in the context of the disorder further:

During the time I was with you, especially the last few months I lost my identity, personality, any feeling of self respect and self-confidence.

She felt engulfed, the polar opposite of abandoned, in the back and forth psychic dance in a sufferer's head.

I never ever had to take measures like this in my life - but I am afraid of her reaching out to me someday and that we will "recycle" any aspect of the relationship, which includes me acting out my giving nature, just to be stabbed to death in my heart again.

And you can expect her to swing the other way, since you've gotten rid of channels for her to contact you; the abandonment panic will set in.  Prepare yourself for that by getting clear on what you really want and whether or not she can give it to you.

My UxBPDgf will  - and it is protocolled by various websites about BPD - is giving me the sole reason for any problem she ever had and is twisting reality to the maximum of her defensive capability.

Projection and cognitive distortion, both coping mechanisms to help her feel better.

At the same time I am detached from my family more than ever and my fear is that she will degrade me in front of friends, family and coworkers.

Your best defense is to live true to your values and with integrity; she will end up looking like the crazy one sooner rather than later.

The book smarts are valuable initially, and it will be good as a next step to connect with folks who understand.  It's good you're going to see a therapist next week, and there are a lot of us here to talk to.  Keep typing, and take care of you!

[heartandwhole]

 

Hi cureandcause,

I'm very glad that you decided to reach out, but I'm sorry about the breakup with your girlfriend, that is so painful.    It sounds like you have been reading the forum for awhile without posting?  So you know that this is a great place for support and tools to make things better for you, and even better, you have found a therapist – that helps so much.

I read your intro post and I'm sorry you had to go through such a physical and emotional roller coaster.  I completely understand your fears about recycling and going NC, I certainly had them, too.  

Your exgf has asked you for NC, which kind of makes it an easier decision.  Now you have the opportunity to look more deeply at your stuff and grow from this very challenging experience.  We're here to cheer you on, cureandcause!  

I know you've been exploring the site.  Have you seen this?

Ten Beliefs That Can Get You Stuck - Surviving a Breakup with Someone Suffering with Borderline Personality Disorder

It was very, very helpful for me after my breakup.  I was a mess.  

Keep writing, cureandcause, and let us get to know you.  We're here to listen and support you.

heartandwhole  

[cureandcause]

Thank you fromheeltoheal for putting things more in context. Thank you heartandwhole for pointing me to a distinct next step  , in fact I only found this forum yesterday, I have not been hovering around long without posting.

[heartandwhole]

Thank you fromheeltoheal for putting things more in context. Thank you heartandwhole for pointing me to a distinct next step  , in fact I only found this forum yesterday, I have not been hovering around long without posting.

Ooops!  Sorry, cureandcause, for making that assumption.  Welcome, again! 

[cureandcause]

Hey guys,

as expected she did contact me again.

Although I tried to block everything, I forgot that iMessages can be sent to me via my email address and not only number (I have blocked her number in my phone and also routed emails to "permanently delete" - I just forgot the iMessage thin on my Macbook.

So here the text from this morning:

don't you think that blocking me from fb is a bit childish and kind of too much?

I did not mean to extinguish you from my life. I just needed some time and wanted to be the one to make the first step in our communication when I feel like it. Obviously you can not respect that and then decide to block me?

It is ok, if that is your way of doing things then I respect it

but just wanted you to know that in case you think you're doing me a favour that way or somehow you think I can not cope with having you as friend on fb, then don't  it's not the case.

I have not replied anything between the two posted texts  from her side. What I can see is that although she wrote "if you have any respect for me and want me to be happy as you claim, then leave me alone, please :-) I would really appreciate it." on sunday, today (just 2 days later) she is communicating wish of control over me ("first step of contact" , displaying my lack of respect for here and then displaying "respect" for me (what a guilt ride and loose use of "respect" - and also dismissing my "favour" although SHE was the one wanting me to "leave her alone" claiming my respect for her and her happiness.

I never thought it would be so hard ... . wonder what will come next.

I at least stand by my decision to not respond at all.

Fromheeltoheal warned me: the abandonment panic will set in .

I will have a lot to discuss in my beginning therapy tomorrow.

Was it wrong to block her on Facebook?

Love,

[cureandcause]

I just checked ... the irony ... . she has blocked me from facebook now too.

[love4meNOTu]

cureandcause... .

I blinked while reading your last post... all I could focus on was that word, respect.

My xhwBPD continually said I was disrespecting him.

What he really meant was that I was DISOBEYING him.

Now if you use that word instead of disrespect? What do you see... .

I see someone trying desperately to control you.

L