Just saw her

[Depression = 72% of members]

I really thought I was starting to do well and detach, but I just saw her while driving down the road and I have a rush of emotions that I really don't understand.  All I can do is try to write down what I am feeling right now.  I feel sick to my stomach, anxious, I am grinding my teeth, very distracted, nervous, all of this at once. 

I know for a fact that she saw me as she was stopped right behind me at a traffic light.  How can all of these emotions hit me all at once.  I thought I was ready for running into her, but I know I can't handle ACTUALLY running into her.  It inevitable that I will actually run into her at some point just based on where we live.

I know she is a sick person, but she doesn't look sick and 80% of the time she doesn't act sick.  I CANNOT GO BACK TO STAGE 1 in the recovery.  When will this person have no affect on me? I know there is no going back for me, but I had a much stronger reaction seeing her than I have ever had seeing anyone.

[Tincup]

I really thought I was starting to do well and detach, but I just saw her while driving down the road and I have a rush of emotions that I really don't understand.  All I can do is try to write down what I am feeling right now.  I feel sick to my stomach, anxious, I am grinding my teeth, very distracted, nervous, all of this at once. 

I know for a fact that she saw me as she was stopped right behind me at a traffic light.  How can all of these emotions hit me all at once.  I thought I was ready for running into her, but I know I can't handle ACTUALLY running into her.  It inevitable that I will actually run into her at some point just based on where we live.

I know she is a sick person, but she doesn't look sick and 80% of the time she doesn't act sick.  I CANNOT GO BACK TO STAGE 1 in the recovery.  When will this person have no affect on me? I know there is no going back for me, but I had a much stronger reaction seeing her than I have ever had seeing anyone.

[arn131arn]

I feel you TC,

I get that from just a phone call or hearing about her.

How long have you been NC?

Arn

[simplyasiam]

hello tincup, I know its hell ive been there. it takes what seem like forever to get over any r/s but BPD one seems so much harder.

you will get to the point that your so sick of being treated like crap that it will not hurt anymore.

ive been in a never ending recycle for the past six years. finding this site last year helped me to understand what I am dealing and that it never ends.

posting here helps but try and do some things that take your mind away from it all... . I know that's so much harder than it sounds'

your welcome to chat if you want/need

[Tincup]

Do you actually get to the point where you can see them on the street and they have no impact on you? 

[Iwalk-Heruns]

Do you actually get to the point where you can see them on the street and they have no impact on you? 

I think we will but it will just take time Tincup.

Mine lives around me so I see him pass by me and not to be cliche but I always think in my head. "So weird it's like we're just 2 ships passing passing in the night" when we used to be so close and all that goes with that. It feels so unnatural. Everytime I see him passing or even a truck that looks like his my heart races. Even when I think I am at a point where I don't care. Obviously, I do still on some level. Also there have been a couple of times I see him pass or think it's him and turn around (where he can't see me) and drive by where I think he might be. It's almost as if my car just takes control it is so automatic.

I think it is somewhat normal because this whole thing was soo not normal. It sucks!

[sun seeker]

  Sorry to hear about this tin. This is what I am not looking forward to the most... . I have taken all the nessisary precautions so she cant contact me. But thier is always the unannounced drop by. It sucks how months of healing can  unravel with a single siting. 

                                                                     wish you guys clarity and peace in these difficult times.

[Tincup]

Arn-I am been NC for 12 weeks except for responding to 1 email where she asked me a valid question about a month ago.  I know she is sick.  I know she was abused as a child, I know that her mother died when she was little, I know all of this and FEEL for her.  I also know how emotionally abusive she was to me.  Yet she still has a spot in my heart that is not fully closed yet.  I know for the foreseeable future that I need to totally avoid her if I run into her, and maintain FULL NC.

[shellsh0cked]

I really thought I was starting to do well and detach, but I just saw her while driving down the road and I have a rush of emotions that I really don't understand.  All I can do is try to write down what I am feeling right now.  I feel sick to my stomach, anxious, I am grinding my teeth, very distracted, nervous, all of this at once. 

I know for a fact that she saw me as she was stopped right behind me at a traffic light.  How can all of these emotions hit me all at once.  I thought I was ready for running into her, but I know I can't handle ACTUALLY running into her.  It inevitable that I will actually run into her at some point just based on where we live.

I know she is a sick person, but she doesn't look sick and 80% of the time she doesn't act sick.  I CANNOT GO BACK TO STAGE 1 in the recovery.  When will this person have no affect on me? I know there is no going back for me, but I had a much stronger reaction seeing her than I have ever had seeing anyone.

Had a similar experience.  Had not seen my xgf in 9 months at the time.  I was working a Habitat for Humanity build at work.  They give us 2 days a year to volunteer as free vacation time.  Things were going okay, but I was still having a lot of bad days and any woman that got close to me I pushed away.  Anyway, this build was actually a renovation project for an existing house.  I realized that I had no sunscreen about 1 o’clock and being that I am very fair skinned, I knew I was in for a burn.  No one I asked had any, so I decided I’d run down to the store and get some.  There was a dollar general not far from there, but it was across the street from where she lives…I figured what were the chances of me seeing her though?  Pretty slim.  Bad move.  On the way back, I was getting ready to turn…and guess who is coming toward me?  Yep, it’s her.  I know this car because the front door is discolored from the rest of the car…I had gotten her a same color part to replace a damaged door the prior year.  It didn’t match exactly and from a distance it’s noticeable…I FREAK!  I make my turn and hit the gas hard and drive very fast to distance myself from her.  I don’t think she even saw me, but I wasn’t going to take chances.  Scared me bad….went back to the jobsite and I was doing vinyl siding on a scaffolding about 20 foot in the air. Told one of my friends about it and he asked what kind of car she drove (he knew nothing of this fiasco) and was kidding me that she had followed me there.  I found that thought very unsettling and not funny at all.  I had notice the neighbor there had a similar car to hers.  I knew it was there and had seen it.  Different model, but same color.  A few minutes later I glanced over and apparently the neighbor was taking note of the progress on the house and had stopped her car in front…I thought my xgf had followed me in there somehow…just for a brief second until my brain processed this fear and realized it was not her.  My thoughts?  Jump and run into the woods…what was she going to do?  Rage on me in front of my co-workers?  Try to sucker me back in?  Wasn’t sure…but one thing I knew was this:  I was TERRIFIED and that I really needed to get away at all costs!  Terrified!  Of a 140lb woman!   That’s when I really realized that I was actually traumatized by this woman.   It wasn’t just a little fear…terror.  So, no man…it happens to us all.  That fear is real…and justified.  Don’t let it eat you alive.  Hang in there. 

[Tincup]

ShellshOcked-Do you still have those fears?  Are they getting better/easier?  Makes me feel good that other people can relate, but I feel like I am losing my mind as well.

[heartandwhole]

I feel like I am losing my mind as well.

Hi Tincup,

I'm no expert, but I definitely don't think you are losing your mind.  I was about 1.5 years out and heard someone speaking on a train.  The voice was so much like pwBPD that my heart started racing!  Of course it wasn't him, we live in different countries, but my body reacted to the voice.  It lasted a couple of seconds and that was it.

The body remembers trauma, and reacts accordingly, even if your mind isn't thinking about the event/person.  We can get triggered just like pwBPD, and we can use techniques to regulate ourselves, too.  It's all a matter of degree of dysfunction.

I truly think that one day you will feel calm when seeing her.  It takes time, so don't worry, your reaction does not mean that you aren't healing. 

[FindingMe2011]

I really thought I was starting to do well and detach, but I just saw her while driving down the road and I have a rush of emotions that I really don't understand.  

You have a great opportunity to understand them, and navigate through them, in a healthy way. Maybe put some posts up on T/P/I board

I feel sick to my stomach, anxious, I am grinding my teeth, very distracted, nervous, all of this at once.    

I remember being curled up on the living room floor... . Some how, I asked myself, " How can another person, have me feeling this way?"... . Turns out,  for me, they couldnt, I did it to myself.

 I CANNOT GO BACK TO STAGE 1 in the recovery.  

Maybe your body, is trying to tell your mind, "Hey, you may have missed something in, STAGE 1".(whatever this may mean to you, maybe you could elaborate? ... . Tin, its not going to be a sprint, nor is there a finish line. Learn to be kind and forgiving to yourself, and gain some patience with yourself.

When will this person have no affect on me? I know there is no going back for me, but I had a much stronger reaction seeing her than I have ever had seeing anyone.  

 

Its going to take time. There is lots to untangle. For me it was about 13 yrs of cobwebs... . We live in a small town, and split custody with 2 children, so I see the ex quite frequently, though we dont communicate... . Is it possible, that you have had this experience before ?... . If not, how is it these feelings came up, and you reacted this way, instead of another?  

Do you actually get to the point where you can see them on the street and they have no impact on you?  

     

Is it all going to go away? For me, no. But it has went from sorrow, to anger, to sympathetic, and mix these up for a while, and then finally getting to indifference... . The thoughts last for seconds these days, but hey what do you expect from a recovering love addict... . For now just conduct yourself with dignity, and move on. It will also give you a realistic idea of where you are in your recovery.

Arn-I am been NC for 12 weeks except for responding to 1 email where she asked me a valid question about a month ago.    

 


Tin 12 weeks is a drop in the bucket. Leaving communications to emails, helped me a lot. Be kind and forgiving to yourself. You have an opportunity, to really get to understand "YOU", ... . I wish you well, PEACE

[shellsh0cked]

ShellshOcked-Do you still have those fears?  Are they getting better/easier?  Makes me feel good that other people can relate, but I feel like I am losing my mind as well.

Sometimes... . I almost moved 250 miles away because of her.  I have a new girlfriend in my life now, who treats me right... . then I realized that SHE's the one that sucks (the x)... . not me, and she's not running me off.  If I moved to the beach it would be because I want to... . not to escape her tyranny.  My new girlfriend has help tremendously break down these walls.  Thank God for her.  

You're not losing your mind... . you just think you are.  I thought I was.  I would say that I just avoid her now.  It can be challenging though because one of my best friends is married to her sister.  That makes going to events interesting... . If she goes, I stay home.  Period.  I won't allow her anywhere near me.  Almost 2 years no contact.  Needs to stay that way.  I get sick to my stomach though still thinging of having to engage her... . or have to even endure an apology that was tainted with all that ___ I never did.  Not worht the damage to my psyche. 


Am I still traumatized by her?  Sure to some degree... . but not like 10 months ago... . It will fade.

[Johnny Alias]

I'm avoiding going to a party this weekend for this very reason.  How can you not feel emotion for someone who TORTURED you?  Talk about PTSD.  Sheesh.  4 years with mine and I was ABUSED hardcore much of the time.  It's very real pain.  The fact that they don't care about all they inflicted on you makes it 10 TIME WORSE! 

You're like... . I stuck it out for you?  I took the heat?  I took the pain?  This is my reward?  You can't EVEN acknowledge what you did to me?  YOU FEEL NO REMORSE? 

You experience major cognitive disonance because guess what?  NORMAL PEOPLE DONT BEHAVE THIS WAY!  And you were intimately involved with someone who is NOT normal! 

Take it easy on yourself.  It will fade.  Time, therapy, seeing other women, and praying that she meets someone else, gets pregnant, and disapears from the face of this planet... . all of these help. 

[shellsh0cked]

I'm avoiding going to a party this weekend for this very reason.  How can you not feel emotion for someone who TORTURED you?  Talk about PTSD.  Sheesh.  4 years with mine and I was ABUSED hardcore much of the time.  It's very real pain.  The fact that they don't care about all they inflicted on you makes it 10 TIME WORSE!  

You're like... . I stuck it out for you?  I took the heat?  I took the pain?  This is my reward?  You can't EVEN acknowledge what you did to me?  YOU FEEL NO REMORSE?  

You experience major cognitive disonance because guess what?  NORMAL PEOPLE DONT BEHAVE THIS WAY!  And you were intimately involved with someone who is NOT normal!  

Take it easy on yourself.  It will fade.  Time, therapy, seeing other women, and praying that she meets someone else, gets pregnant, and disapears from the face of this planet... . all of these help.  

Dude... . You sound just like me.  I felt the same way…The disbelief that she could do this to me…do it and not even acknowledge any culpability for what she had done…She did it because of the HORRIBLE freaking way I supposedly treated her.  With zero remorse.  Hmmm…my current girlfriend says she loves me…because I am “so good” to her.  How can this be you ask?

She told me that “most women are like me!”  WRONG!  As you said “NORMAL PEOPLE DONT BEHAVE THIS WAY!  And you were intimately involved with someone who is NOT normal!”

I wish she would pack her bags and leave this state…or the planet.  I’d feel a lot better if I knew I’d never have to see her again.  Unfortunately with the mutual friends it is possible…But I have a car and I can drive the fork away can’t I?

I hate having to miss parties and events because the M word will be there.  I missed my buddy’s wife having their first child together because of her.  That one really pissed me off.