Feeling a little weak with NC

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

In past break ups my exgf would always initiate contact, from bashing me, wanting to be friends, or wanting me back. This breakup (final for me) it was the same until recently. I've been very limited contact, but now she has not initiated any contact in the past week. Her last texts were to let me know her financial situation: still unemployed for past 3 months, may lose her house and car, may get electricity cut off, etc. I know she is unemployed, but is probably exaggerating the rest just a little bit. I do feel for her a little bit, and feel bad I haven't called to see how she is. Am I wrong for feeling this way?

Has anyone else had their pwBPD just go silent after a while? Is this just a game, and she's waiting me out?

[State85]

In past break ups my exgf would always initiate contact, from bashing me, wanting to be friends, or wanting me back. This breakup (final for me) it was the same until recently. I've been very limited contact, but now she has not initiated any contact in the past week. Her last texts were to let me know her financial situation: still unemployed for past 3 months, may lose her house and car, may get electricity cut off, etc. I know she is unemployed, but is probably exaggerating the rest just a little bit. I do feel for her a little bit, and feel bad I haven't called to see how she is. Am I wrong for feeling this way?

Has anyone else had their pwBPD just go silent after a while? Is this just a game, and she's waiting me out?

[Perfidy]

State... buddy, it was hard for me too. We were in contact daily for almost eight years. Then the split. We stayed in contact for the next three months. Each contact went a little longer in between. I haven't had any contact with her in about six months. She has made weak attempts a couple times. I understand your want for contact and possible validation. My own experience was that every contact was pain. She could not give relief, only suffering.

Why is it you want to have contact?

Will it reduce your pain or fill a need?

[State85]

Perfidy

I guess it's just the "good person" in me who wants to see if she is ok with what she is going through, for her not to think I don't care like her texts accuse me of.

Or maybe she's in a new r/s is why she is silent, I don't know. Previous breakups i knew she was with someone else... although her claim was they were just friends. But she would still engage with me... .

I know NC from her is a good thing, just not used to it.

Wish I'd never met her!

[arn131arn]

State,

My ex has contacted my mother (the "go between" on my side for my son) every week since I initiated NC.  I needed validation at first, then I realized that I can only give myslef that, buddy.  I am solely responsible for my own happiness.

I also realized that you cannot move onto a healthy relationship with anyone with unresolved issues from your past relationships.  She is very angry with my mother, that shows she is very angry with me, which means she is not over this relationship.  She has not moved on, almost gauranteeing it not working with my replacement.

Does this make me feel a little better?... . maybe.

But 3 weeks of NC and I can honestly tell you, right now, i don't give a hit_ where she is, who she is, how she's doing it, in what position... .

I haven't felt this good in a long while... . people are noticing I'm not as angry, the albotross has been removed from my neck.

stay strong, it does get better.  Listen to Perf... . dude probably saved my life!

PS It wasn't until the people around me let me fall flat on my ass, did I get back up, realize I had a problem with drinking and sought out help!

[State85]

I guess the only reason I would even want an attempt at contact would be to know I am still thought of. Twisted, I know since I was probably nothing but an object to her when we were in a r/s.

Funny how all the abuse... . physical, verbal, emotional... . and you can still want to hear from them. Friends of mine don't get it... . hell I don't either. I'm sick of her renting space in my head, cause I know I'm not in hers.

[arn131arn]

I guess the only reason I would even want an attempt at contact would be to know I am still thought of. Twisted, I know since I was probably nothing but an object to her when we were in a r/s.

Funny how all the abuse... . physical, verbal, emotional... . and you can still want to hear from them. Friends of mine don't get it... . hell I don't either. I'm sick of her renting space in my head, cause I know I'm not in hers.

State,

I was told that if she split with you and painted you black, then she cared for you.  You meant something to her.  I didn't understand this paradox at first; but I know within every paradox is truth.  Think about it, you got close enough to trigger her abandonment fears and BPD... . she cares.

Mine is angry bc the first time in 14 years I haven't begged her to come back... . I know she is seeing someone else, she is still holding feelings for me bringing that into a new relationship.

I know she cares, probably always will; but I am moving on.  Walk this road with me, bro. 

We can do it

[myself]

If you heard from her, would you believe her? Is she trustworthy?

The silence is you not being abused.

It's like if we stand real still the bear might go somewhere else.

[State85]

Myself

Nah, I probably wouldn't believe her. Since this breakup and being on this board, a lot of ah ha moments have materialized. Moments of lies, manipulation, and about 99percent sure cheating. Trustworthy... . hardly

Arn... . I hear ya. Being with someone constantly and then bam... . silence... . I've heard if you ignore them it drives them crazy... . well maybe she's past that now, or it's a new tactic, new game... . don't know. I would love to see her next r/s go up in flames, but would I know? I want to get to the point where I don't care... .

Let's go... .

[State85]

Wondering what y'all would do, NC or not, given her situation in initial post. Would the "good guy" in ya come out and text to see if all is ok? Or just let it go?

[arn131arn]

Wondering what y'all would do, NC or not, given her situation in initial post. Would the "good guy" in ya come out and text to see if all is ok? Or just let it go?

It wasn't until the people around me let me fall flat on my ass, did I get back up, realize I had a problem with drinking and sought out help!

Everyone has to hit their bottom.  There is no more Mr. Nice Guy.  My ex has been living with her sister/replacement for 5 months.  Still hasn't found her own place; I am not going to give her a dime for that.  I am no longer going to be the caretaker for a woman who has treated me so badly.  :)one... . she has a sugar daddy now (I always knew she had daddy issues) so maybe he can help

[RecycledNoMore]

Wondering what y'all would do, NC or not, given her situation in initial post. Would the "good guy" in ya come out and text to see if all is ok? Or just let it go?

Is it "the good guy"  " the good guy a little hurt that she hasnt tried to reach out" or " the good guy who may be needing a BPD fix" ?

Notice the common theme? Good

Your a good guy who cares,who has empathy, but what will be the true cost to you?

[arn131arn]

She has reached out to my mother once every 2 weeks since I went NC.  Yelling, screaming, demanding I do this and I do that.  So I don't need a BPD fix... . don't miss that at all.

Like Dante,  I walked the 9 circles of hell this past weekend.  I didn't like what I saw.  Not in her, not in me, not in we, and boy did I see exactly who and with I didn't want to be.

So, I came out that other side and learned.  Learned so much about what I want in this life.  I have too many things going for me, I am fighting for my son (8), I am fighting to stay sober, I am fighting for my future, and fighting to recreate a life without her.

I came out the other side, and I can say I don't care what she's doing, who she's with, where she is, how she's doing it, and in what position.  Too much going for me to give up, too much love to be given, too much chaos to keep going.  I lost 14 years of my life to a woman who indeed tried to destroy me.  Straight A student in nursing school, she was failing out, she called the cops on me 3 times in a year and a half to where I could no longer get a nursing licesne bc of it.  Never once did I raise a hand to her but defended myself.


Insisted I show up x mas day to watch my son open x mas presents from santa, but drop them off the night before so we could set them up, well she just wanted me to see her in the SUV with her new guy, oh, and then when I did show up the next day, she wasn't even there bc she slept at her man's house.  So, my son and I opened presents from santa without mommy.

That my friends is a woman who truly wants to kill a man.  A woman so pure of evil and hate she would do that to hurt me; but hurt her son as well.

I went through the darkness, was suicidal, but I walked through the fear, the pain, and the insanity... and for once in a very long time, I could give a hit about her.

So NO No more mr. nice guy... . period

[arn131arn]

Wondering what y'all would do, NC or not, given her situation in initial post. Would the "good guy" in ya come out and text to see if all is ok? Or just let it go?

Is it "the good guy"  " the good guy a little hurt that she hasnt tried to reach out" or " the good guy who may be needing a BPD fix" ?

Notice the common theme? Good

Your a good guy who cares,who has empathy, but what will be the true cost to you?

Sorry, thought you were asking me... . how selfish of me 

[State85]

Arn... Recycle

Ya, that's what I thought. I've been through hell with her when we were in a r/s, so why should I care now. And she's probably got someone helping her with money anyway... . how could anyone still be in her house, car, etc. this long without that help. I know her parents helped some, but probably have stopped. One of her boyfriend(s) (yes that is plural) is retired, probably 20 yrs older than her... . she probably latched onto him and sucking him financially dry. You guys are right... .

Tired of being Nice... . so what she doesn't contact me... . I can bet at some point she will when these new r/s's fail... . don't yall think?

[RecycledNoMore]

Arn... Recycle

Ya, that's what I thought. I've been through hell with her when we were in a r/s, so why should I care now. And she's probably got someone helping her with money anyway... . how could anyone still be in her house, car, etc. this long without that help. I know her parents helped some, but probably have stopped. One of her boyfriend(s) (yes that is plural) is retired, probably 20 yrs older than her... . she probably latched onto him and sucking him financially dry. You guys are right... .

Tired of being Nice... . so what she doesn't contact me... . I can bet at some point she will when these new r/s's fail... . don't yall think?

Doods! They may contact  they may not, I wonder the same thing and Im aprehensive because im not strong enough yet not to respond, last time we broke up he hooked me in by feigning devastation over finding out his aunt had cancer... .

Good ol recycle, yup she recycled duh...

I know I wont be doin that again, but Id relish the chance to tell him a few home truths... .

But then again, what a frikkin  waste of time, hed twist and turn my thoughts and feelings against me anyway!

So gents, what ya gunna do when/ if she goes fishin for your heart?

You guna let her reel you in?

Or fight?

Im guna fight, for me coz im fking worth it.

Im guna ignore the hell outa him, tip my hat n push on through

[State85]

Well,said recycled.

I'm sure she's probably just fine, just wants me to think she isn't with her last texts. I don't know... . I'm not going back there, no way. Just got to see this as a quiet blessing.

[State85]

I would love to know if she is hurting... . probably not... . and I would live to see or at least know her new relationships are going up in flames. Then, maybe she would realize what she had. But sadly I don't think they even care. She has told me before she is hurting... . I find that so flipping hard to believe... . At this point I don't and would never believe anything she says.

I keep having these aha moments of things that happened in the r/s and now... . starting to piece things together.

But I know if I do hear from her I will get an earful of me not caring... . not caring she is broke, etc"... . but, I bet she finds some way to get out this weekend!

[RecycledNoMore]

State

Yes, the aha moments, putting together the jigsaw, I think of them as little pieces of awareness, truth is in the r/ s all I focused on was him, nothing about me.

I wonder too, if he is hurting, I read other posts and very plausible, logical explanations,yes they are hurting but trample it down with another idealisation stage w someone else... .

I know how you feel, I want him to hurt, bc maybe it would be proof that he gave a sht in the first place, its hard man, but yeah,tough titties, I have to move foward with me.You got a good handle on this state, dont let go