How to explain to people

[wdone]

How do you explain to people what is going on in your relationship, specifically when he/she has disappeared?  And, also, when he/she has raged or call you names and you are affected and depressed... . ?

People, meaning his friend, your friends, your mutual friends, your family, even people who are acquaintances and everyone is scratching their head wondering what is going on...

A few examples- I went to a meeting (12 step) and he walked out after 20-30 minutes.  A woman there said "I hope we didn't scare him off... what happened?" It was a small meeting and his leaving was obvious.  I said "You guys didn't scare him off... it's something between the two of us... " But, she/they were all obviously confused.

A good friend of his who I am friends with as well, asks me all the time, what is going on with us?  He literally shakes his head and is baffled.

My family and friends are pretty silent and confused when I try to explain what is happening.

I get asked ALL the time, "Are you two still together?"  and I have never come up with a good answer. 

To go into all of it... . "Well, he's mentally ill and overwhelmed and paranoid and he's threatened to hurt me lately but yes, I am in love with him and we have amazing intimacy and amazing love and laughter but right now I am trying to keep myself safe and distance myself so he can regulate and come back... . " HAHA.  It doesn't work and I end up looking crazy.

What do you say to the people in your life that is simple and understandable? Is that possible?

Also, I don't want to talk about his business to people, but I do try to explain and sometimes it is necessary.  I also need to process whats happening and I try to limit it to my T and my close friends, but sometimes his friends or people in his life ask me what in the world is going in with him... .

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[waverider]

Sometimes its just easier to say something along the lines of having anxiety issues and his emotions become overwhelmed and needs to left be to soothe himself. (This not describe your partners behavior, but use something no more complex than that). Don't make up complete excuses, you loose your own credibility if you do.

Do you think something along those lines might work for you?

Too much information will result in blank faces and you being drawn into trying to unsucessfully explain too much

[wdone]

Sometimes its just easier to say something along the lines of having anxiety issues and his emotions become overwhelmed and needs to left be to soothe himself. (This not describe your partners behavior, but use something no more complex than that). Don't make up complete excuses, you loose your own credibility if you do.

Do you think something along those lines might work for you?

Too much information will result in blank faces and you being drawn into trying to unsucessfully explain too much

yes! ah, thank you... .

i was just asked twice tonight by people in our community, and i was the one with the blank face.  i like what you say about me losing my credibility. that seems to happen. 

 the only problem is that it's sometimes only ME he thinks he needs to stay away from.  the guy that asked me about it tonight has talked to my bf every day recently (as they are "action partners."  so, would i just say "he needs to spend time away from his most intimate relationship - me- which overwhelms him to soothe himself? i feel like i'd look or sound crazy... .

[Tolou]

He w d... . I think the anxiety issue is the best way to go... . and say that when he gets anxious you both just need your space... . If you are going to be in this type of relationship, you need to have thick skin because people will assume and judge and say all kinds of things about both of you.


But you know, you are not crazy.  You can also simply tell people, that what you share with him is private and between the two of you and would appreciate it if people respect that.  When he is acting a certain way and people see that, covering up is not helping him, or you for that matter.  It is difficult, but remember that you are rational and sane... .

[SweetCharlotte]

I tell people my uBPDh had a traumatic upbringing and it sometimes gives him flashbacks or anxiety attacks. That seems to satisfy their curiosity and it doesn't exactly label him with a PD or other mental illness.

[waverider]

Less is always best, and people can assume what they want.

Even if its only "thats his choice not to come"

[canwedothis]

This is exactly one of my biggest issues. My family and friends do not understand why I am sticking it out. I have always been brutally honest about our relationship. Not anymore. I am keeping them at a distance because they are very harsh when they judge him. I answer in vague terms "we are giving it another shot" or "I don't know, only time will tell". I have learned to choose what I share and with whom very carefully. In the end, it really is nobody else's business what is going on in our relationship, except for the select few friends who truly listen without judgement and criticism. Find those people. Share with them. Tell everyone else "it is what it is" and "we will figure it out eventually". Good luck!

[Chosen]

I think most of the times, it's not necessary to provide a detailed explanation.  If we explain so that people will be on our side/ sympathise with what is happening to us, it will likely NOT happen.  They will just be confused, and some of them may not trust you. 

I used to help pwBPD make up excuses for missing meetings, I would say to my friends "he's not feeling so well" or some decent excuse.  In the end I feel bad because I feel that nobody understands me.  Now (though it's rare he misses stuff anymore), I may just say "he's not coming".  It is the truth and people usually don't ask further.

But of course, closer people will ask, and I do agree that you can say he's feeling a bit anxious/ emotionally overwhelmed.  It also presents the truth without going into too much detail. 

[waverider]

Too much explaining can lead you into triangulation with you being the victim, your partner the prosecutor, the third party the rescuer... So their obvious response is to be down on your partner, and ask you why you put up with it... . Your partner is down on them for you telling them he has problems

Guess what, you are almost experiencing the invalidation pwBPD experience all the time when you try to reassure them... you are trying to tell them why you put up with it (by making excuses) and they are invalidating you by telling you to leave (THEY"RE NOT LISTENING>>!)... You get frustrated. They then become the persecutors. You vent to your partner how unreasonable others are. He rescues you by reassuring you that you are the only one who understands him (you are now victim and he the rescuer). He makes a deal of how no one understands him. You try to reassure him you do. Now he's the victim and you the rescuer! You are hooked back in again

The musical chairs of the Karpmann triangle



The third party gets jack of your excuses and seemingly not willing to take their obvious advice, leading to their abandonment of you... >> You start heading into isolation which is common with BPD relationships

[canwedothis]

thank you waverider!  I will be reading more on this later!

[ColdEthyl]

I've been wondering this myself. My husband is BPD and sometimes the social anxiety gets the best of him, and he can't make some sort of family function, or starts to avoid his family. His family knows he has issues, but refuse to talk about it. (very unhelpful) My family, I tell him he has severe depression, so he has good days and bad. That's the best I can do. I hate not being able to tell the truth, that he's BPD, especially since I'm the type that is bluntly honest, but without making him look 'bad' to people, I go with a simple depression.

[waverider]

I've been wondering this myself. My husband is BPD and sometimes the social anxiety gets the best of him, and he can't make some sort of family function, or starts to avoid his family. His family knows he has issues, but refuse to talk about it. (very unhelpful) My family, I tell him he has severe depression, so he has good days and bad. That's the best I can do. I hate not being able to tell the truth, that he's BPD, especially since I'm the type that is bluntly honest, but without making him look 'bad' to people, I go with a simple depression.

The other issue is that nobody who hasn't lived with it has any idea what BPD is, and it is too hard to describe.

[ColdEthyl]

Yep waverider, it's also hard to explain when people don't know what it is.If people knew and saw how he can be, it would shock their socks off. He is really good at putting that face on in public. It's funny how he can't use a public bathroom, but goes into one every-time we stop at a restaurant or something like that. He goes in there to collect himself, he says. Deep breaths, gets ready for the social interactions. He comes out charming as ever. I'm really amazed at how he handles it.

[wdone]

thanks for all the wonderful suggestions/feedback... .

i've been trying what you said, waverider, and i think it's going ok.  one friend of mine (and acquaintance of my bf's) said "WO, that's a lot of information." i think he meant that i was giving him about my bf? i just said he's anxious and needs to self soothe after he's close to me.  i know nothing is perfect and that people can't fully get it...

i appreciate this conversation!