His friend spilled the beans ... not sure what to do

[PacifistMom]

We have had a great week after a roller coaster holiday season.

I got a lot of help on this board to deal with a long and intense period of anger and devaluing, plus once he calmed down I put extra focus on him, spending time with him, even leaving an event early to be with him etc.

I came to the conclusion that the main reason for this burst was his best friend staying with us. Because his friend cooks and cleans and is very polite, and likes to watch movies and other calm things that I enjoy, this has had a major impact on his ego and anything positive I might say about his friend helping out around the house or whatever turned into major triggers. Became focused on that I don't appreciate him and he is not as good as his friend etc. So I have given him lots of extra attention and it has been good.

During the bad period, I had to explain to his friend one night that he had to go out with my uBPDh otherwise he would get ideas (he gets jealous and angry anytime he has friends stay with me, either at me or them or both, and any general visitor welcoming behavior I have is taken as very warm flattery in his eyes or vice versa. By the end of any of his visits, he either thinks it`s me liking his friend, or his friend, male or female, wanting me.) I just wanted to warn him because I know if he stayed home that night and my uBPDh was out, it would be disastrous not only for me but also for their friendship. Then his friend said and kept insisting that me and uBPDh need to talk, we need to work things out etc, and I had to explain how this a period that will ride out and then we will get back to normal. He was very frustrated with the tension in the house and I guess I went too much into what I think is up with uBPDh, I did say the word `disorder``


This was earlier in January. Somehow, when they were out last night, his friend told him about our conversation. I have no idea if it was a calm conversation, an argument, or worse, cracking jokes about his `multiple personality disorder`` (not what I said but I guess that`s what he came away with). They are both from the old school, male pride and ego is even more exaggerated within their clique than most so I know that uBPDh`s ego is shattered for sure, no matter how the conversation came about.

He sent me a long heartwrenching text this morning about:

- how he can`t believe I can turn to his friend for comfort in a bad time, but not to him (he is not enough for me/someone else is a better man)

- i shouldn't have told these things to his friend (he has acknowledged "anger issues" but refuses to consider disorder/counselling - and now I have embarrassed him because his group is not supportive of/makes fun of mental health "weakness"

- he never discusses such personal things with people (now his best friend will have a totally different perception of him)

I didn't want to discuss this with the friend, or anyone other than my mom, but it was the only way I could explain what was happening in the house where the friend is staying (well, living for now). My hope or assumption was that the friend wouldn't mention that conversation but now I can see that he doesn't quite get it and I can't have those conversations with him.

I was not looking for consolation or support in the friend. Just trying to explain 1 - that we can under no circumstances be alone for the evening and 2 - that the tension would soon pass.

I can understand for once because I would be angry and bitter too if he spoke to one of my friends instead of me. I felt I had no choice knowing that worse damage would come from any alone time with his friend (even if we didn't even pass the evening in the same room) but in hindsight maybe I shouldn't have explained anything further than that.

Now I'm afraid he'll go back into the scary zone and I do feel responsible.

Is there anything I can do to repair some of the damage here? How do I explain without justifying? Every way I've tried to think to tell him what the intent of the conversation was either puts me or the friend in a bad position. All I want is for him not to hurt right now

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[PacifistMom]

Ugh I JADED. I tried SET and he kept digging and my truth came out in a non validating way to him - basically I told him the conversation was preemptive based on past jealousies he has had and that became ammunition for his accusations of me having thoughts of cheating (because I "was having thoughts" or I'd never have thought of asking his friend to go with him). How the heck do you answer specific questions while avoiding JADE? So much worse now. I have a lot to learn.

[an0ught]

How the heck do you answer specific questions while avoiding JADE? So much worse now. I have a lot to learn.

Boundaries.

You have the right to remain silent... .

Seriously, you do not have to answer all the questions. There are e.g. loaded questions that are just disguised attack statements. There are invalidating statements that are just voiced to upset you. Not all that comes to you warrants a response.

  Validate the valid

  Do not invalidate the valid

  Do not validate the invalid

  Sometimes (but not always !) you have to invalidate the invalid. Boundaries are often a good alternative here.

Boundaries are really critical. If you are just reactive you can be gamed and pwBPD are expert game players. They play in an instinctive way on a level that you will never reach. The only way to win is not to play. Of course avoiding becoming reactive means managing our own emotions. Once we get upset too our lower brain also tends to interfere a lot and the result is fight or flight.

[PacifistMom]

Thank you so much for the reply an0ught.

I feel like it is going to take me a long time to get these things.

Now he says he is leaving, that I embarrassed not only him but myself because now his friend who thought the highest of me now sees me as someone who would have dirty thoughts or something like that, and sees that we are not the "power couple." That I have drained him financially and emotionally and he is too tired to go on like this.

It's a threat that has happened many times in the past, as you probably can imagine, but I worry that this time his ego and need to save face/keep his word in front of his friend might overrule.

He left the door open in saying it is a separation and maybe we will fall back in love.

I of course don't want any of this - I am on the staying board and committed to making things better - but I guess I cannot force anything right.

So I have read on this board that BPD cannot leave until you've been replaced - does a best friend (non-intimate) count for that?

Broken glass, broken heart!

[AnitaL]

hi PacifistMom,

I really feel for you in this situation.    You clearly had good intentions and were working overtime trying to prevent the situation with his friend from triggering your H, but sometimes even our best efforts still cannot prevent a negative outcome.  Your H is dealing with a major loss of face and it is good to recognize your own part in it and apologize for that -- but as An0ught said, then you need say no more.  Avoiding JADE is SO hard, I understand, but it is better for both of you if you can avoid getting further entangled in arguments which will only keep him focused on his hurt ego.  Maybe it's possible that it could even blow over after his friend leaves?  And if not, you have truly done what you can on your end. In the meantime, take good care of yourself.

[PacifistMom]

Thanks so much

Everything went back to normal-ish, friend is leaving tomorrow for unexpected family loss, could go either way though he started in in me about our finances tonight (our biggest issue).