Observation About Birth Order

[Tightrope walker]

On another board regarding siblings who have BPD, I noticed that many of the people that were writing, were older siblings.  I spent my childhood trying to rescue and protect my sister from a very abusive father.  When my D developed her problems, I dug right into the same role.  It has taken awhile (with some therapy) to learn how to set boundaries and erase the guilt that I am not saving either of my loved ones.  On the other hand, my spouse who is the youngest child, did not feel the same compulsions I did.  He too had a very difficult childhood.

   I think most of us understand the role of family with the Scapegoat, Golden Child, etc.  I really think our birth order puts us into different roles also.  There is always exceptions to every rule but I wonder how many first, only or older children assumed the role of Rescurer.

                                                                                                             Tightrope walker

   

[Jbt857]

My BPDexh was the oldest. I'm an only/lonely child.

Interesting to see others birth orders!

[peacebaby]

I totally agree that birth order is a big personality indicator. I am a classic big sister who protected her neurotic brother in many ways for many years. Then I kinda switched over to my partner. I was aware of this even as it was happening. 

Most of us older siblings take on a parental role with the younger kids--I imagine it's biological to some extent. We (not all of us) become half parent, half child, and learn part of what it is to love/take care of someone more vulnerable. To sacrifice our ice cream because our younger sibling is crying because they dropped theirs. Some of us come to believe it's part of our role--to help others in order to be loved--and that can get us into/keep us in relationships with BPD types.

[Sitara]

Are you only talking about in situations where a sibling has BPD?  I don't talk about mine because I don't know her well enough to say for sure I think she has BPD, however, I do wonder because she used the exact phase before, "I hate you. Why don't you spend time with me?"

She is my older sister, I am the youngest.  I have noticed that the older sibling often turns into the black sheep and the youngest is the golden child, and that is true in our case.  But I took on the role of rescuer.  My older sister picked on me - not  protected me.  But there are a lot of other dynamics going on with having a uBPD mom that were probably a greater influence than birth order.

[Forward2free]

In my case, none of my family have PD's but I was married to a BPD/NPD.

I can totally relate to developing a codependent view on life as I was expected to look after my sisters from when they were born - almost like it was my first job. I was to protect them and keep them safe and my sisters had illnesses that meant schools and caregivers relied on me to look after them on occasion too.

"Look after your sisters" was often heard and I responded automatically.

It's hard to step out of a role where caring comes somewhat naturally and thanks to this post, I can now see where my caregiving qualities first emerged. It's also helpful to take it forward and ensure I don't put the pressure on my kids to fill the roles that come naturally as the older sister.

Sometimes I am surprised when I hear my middle and younger sister say no to requests or engagements. It seems they were able to develop some of the boundaries that I didn't have. At 38 years of age, I am still learning to say no and be comfortable about saying no. I tend to feel guilty and do things people ask of me because it feels helpful and that makes me feel good. I know that's unhealthy because I end up taking on too much and feeling overwhelmed.

Thank you for bringing this up.

[Tightrope walker]

Sitara,

   [quoteBut there are a lot of other dynamics going on with having a uBPD mom that were probably a greater influence than birth order.][/quote]
   I am not just talking only about those who sibling has BPD.  I agree that one doesn't have to be an older child to take on caring for  the other sibling.  I think that an ill sibling (either physically or mentally) will affect the family roles and dynamics.  The other flip side to the coin, is having a mentally or physically ill parent also affects the situation. I agree with you that birth order is not just set in stone.   My mentally ill father (not diagnosed) made my sibling the golden child and me the black sheep for our early years.   Therefore, birth order to me is a factor, but not a rule for behavior.

 

Look after your sisters" was often heard and I responded automatically

I was expected to look after her and when I started to address my own behaviors, I felt guilt over not looking after her.  Yes, I am not enabling and am establishing healthy boundaries.  It was dealing with the learned behaviors that I had to deal with.  I looked after everyone: husband, healthy child, child with BPD, grandmothers, great aunts, etc.  Now that I am stronger, I guess I have the inclination to wonder how I got there.

                                                                                      Tightrope walker

   

[Sitara]

I had forgotten, but I had been told to watch and take care of my much older sister because my parents viewed me as the responsible one.  So that probably had an effect.

[Turkish]

I am the single child of a single mother who never had boyfriends due to her own abusive FOO. I was, obviously, the Lonely Child. Mom has depression, and a few BPD traits.

My X is the second eldest child, one slightly younger sister. X is the "Golden Child" in the eyes of the other siblings. I am sure she has BPD. Now I see that her older brother has them worse (his love addiction of obvious). Her younger sister has some traits, but less that I can tell. Each successively younger sibling is a bit "better." The oldest ones witnessed the worse of the physical abuve and serial cheating of their father. All got their mother's co-dependant traits, and she is also emotionally detached from the kids, though not as much as their father. What a family!

S4 I see already has some of the First Child traits... . more emotional and needy than D1.

[dontknow2]

Hello Tightrope,

I was the 5th of 6 kids with a 10 year age gap with my oldest siblings. When I was 12, my mother married someone with 7 kids  (thankfully, this only lasted a few years!). I was/am the rescuer with my younger brother, my mother, and my dxBPDh. The more I learn, the more I realize my mother had BPD or some very close form of it. My father split and moved across the country when I was 2. Not sure how this fits into discussion. Interesting to think about though, thank you