Really missing him, and frustrated and feel powerless over silent treatment

[wdone]

I need to check in here, as I think you all get it... .

I miss him. I am so so sad.  I am not sure what to do, or how to "let go" in this moment... . even for this moment.  It's been 4-5 weeks since I have talked to my bf.  And that was for 15 minutes outside of a meeting, where he was paranoid and rushing away... .

He had said we could probably get together to celebrate christmas when he got back from seeing his family (dysfunctional, abusive family where he always gets triggered)... .

since then, as I think I have posted, he has left after a while after sitting in meetings together, before they were over, and we have not talked.

I think it might (?) help me to understand what he might be going through... . I mean, i know I can't fully, but --

Is he paranoid?

Still regulating from seeing his horrible dad and clingy mother?

Does he have a paranoid delusional system going about me, where I am the devil?

Does he think he hates me? Does he actually hate me?

Have I done something wrong?

In the past, I usually find out later that he thinks I have done something to him, that I had NO idea about--one time, he thought I was referring to him as the wounded bird that I had rescued one day and texted him about, and he distanced. Usually, very irrational reasons. Sometimes, its things I think are nothing or slight that he feels absolutely wounded by and defensive about.

I am racking my brain trying to think of why he might be hurt.

I was talking to my T and she actually said for the first time, "This time feels different, like he's acting differently, like leaving the meetings instead of talking to you."

Bottom line is that I am sad and have gotten an ear/throat infection again, so am sick in bed again.  I met with a DV counselor yesterday and expressed my frustration, that I don't know what to do from here... . how to let go, how to have peace, and that I do want to be with him. I am so afraid this time IS different.  SHe said that I am doing all the right things i.e.:

Meetings

Meditation

Focusing on my life

support and friends

starting school next week

working

creating

eating

sleeping

working out

trying new things

reading about his illness

journaling and writing out the abusive stuff

And, she said there isn't anything else she would suggest.

I think I said it a few times, but I am sad. devastated. confused. missing him terribly. 

I have sent him a few texts.  I try really hard not to, but in the past sometimes, it is what he responds to and "brings him back"... .

I just need support and reassurance and relating... .

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[elemental]

hi 

Wow, what a lot of head space this guy is taking up.

Sometimes when I am having a hard time, I really want to sleep and then when I wake up my head is clearer.

What else is going on in your life right now? All of those worries over what is wrong with him... . well, he has bailed. Your counselor has a good list. Are you taking care of yourself? You can't do anything about him, and taking care of YOU is most important anyway.

So you have that list... are there things you can add to it?

All of your anxiety. Of course you are worried and missing him. He is not there, so focusing on your own very important life is what will help you most. A re-set on expectations that he will come back when he sorts his head. He sounds schizophrenic or something? It can take a while to stabilize. A while. Months.

I think it is ok to check in with a text every week or so. But not to attach to wether he answers.

And obviously I can't answer if he will be back soon. Usually people stay away for a variety of reasons, one of them being they care but are too upset to pick things back up atm. Sometimes the only thing that helps is literally the passage of time.

[wdone]

hi 

Wow, what a lot of head space this guy is taking up.

Sometimes when I am having a hard time, I really want to sleep and then when I wake up my head is clearer.

What else is going on in your life right now? All of those worries over what is wrong with him... . well, he has bailed. Your counselor has a good list. Are you taking care of yourself? You can't do anything about him, and taking care of YOU is most important anyway.

So you have that list... are there things you can add to it?

All of your anxiety. Of course you are worried and missing him. He is not there, so focusing on your own very important life is what will help you most. A re-set on expectations that he will come back when he sorts his head. He sounds schizophrenic or something? It can take a while to stabilize. A while. Months.

I think it is ok to check in with a text every week or so. But not to attach to wether he answers.

And obviously I can't answer if he will be back soon. Usually people stay away for a variety of reasons, one of them being they care but are too upset to pick things back up atm. Sometimes the only thing that helps is literally the passage of time.

this wasn't the counselor's list-it is mine. like i said, i AM doing all these things.  she and i agreed i am doing all the right things.  the whole point is that i AM doing all the things to take care of myself--that's what i wrote above.

it's helpful to remember that it sometimes does take months for people/him to stabilize.  thanks for reminding me of that.

i think i will sleep...

what is happening for you? can you relate?

[elemental]

I can relate. My boyfriend has a long history of doing disappearing acts. Blocking me online, ignoring, silent treatment.

He just came off about a month of it. We have talked some about it, and though I am here learning lessons, I am having some bad moments. Flat out stating to him that the silent treatment is becoming a deal breaker, pointing out the disappearances as manipulative attempts. It's been really bad.

He has been assuring me in the last couple of days that he is NOT giving me the silent treatment. He is just very upset and does not want to talk. He says that he has "been there" every step of the way, and that he feels himself "there". Eventually, he says, I say something to him (after going through hell after hell of silent treatment for weeks and weeks) and he feels ok enough to respond and make sure I know he is still there.

I would really like to be being nice right now. But I am seriously angry at him, so I have chosen to detach as much as I can. I am staying but I need a break.

Most of all I am weary of the spin doctoring, the bullcrap, and it hurts to get abandoned all the time.  So I totally understand the deep sadness, the feelings of loss and the eventual anger a person feels at it all. I think someone here said that when you are feeling the resentment, it is time for a break and some self care.

[wdone]

my bf says he has been punishing me, or that he was hurt by something, or couldn't function at that moment (for months sometimes), or yes, that he just didn't want to talk.

i have not fully gotten to the resentment part yet... . every time it happens, i seem to get more and more broken.  i am more sad and more affected, although i have gotten better at functioning when  he disappears.  i show up for everything and feels like i am on autopilot.  not sure that is a good thing, really. 

i had a talk tonight with a new friend who is just out of a relationship where the behavior of her partner was very similar.  she had to go to treatment and moved out of the state where he lives, to try to move on and stay away from him... . i am feeling i may need to be as drastic myself if things don't improve.  i am so at a loss.

[Tayto]

Comng from a family like this it can be very hard for someone with BPD to maintain a relationship with others as they are always in your head filling it with all sorts of thoughts. My family would trigger me all the time especially my mother. She would fill my head with how bad the rest are against her resulting in me attacking thdm and her yet again calling me a monster because, when I let go, I dont stop until they were brought down to feel the pain they caused my mother.as a result of this I nearly lost my family and my wife.

one dag my wife pulled me aside and said

please dont take the defence from what im going to say to you as you are very protective over your family, every time your mother gets upset with one of yee she rings you and from what I see and I could be wrong, you go running and then go after your family.then your mother thinks what you have done is too much and gets them to gang up on you leaving you confused and hurt as you were only trying to protect your mother.

myself, I never seen this, I only seen protecting my mother as number one not realising I was been played.

one day I was with my mother and of course she was giving out about mybrother so I said

" mam enough is enough,  im going to find him and anyone else that ever bothers you from today and I'm going to leave them in hospital. When I left I rang my sister and said, I don't think mam will ever tell me a bad story about any off yee again, she thinks im heading off to kill my brother. My mother to this day has never told me a bad story a out my family.

We are but pawns in our parents chess set until we are not.

[Tayto]

This is in no way ment to be rude or insulting.

what do you find to be the ideal partner ?

What does he do or not do ?

What are " do nots for you"   do not speak to me that way

what will you put up with ?

[patientandclear]

i have not fully gotten to the resentment part yet... . every time it happens, i seem to get more and more broken.  i am more sad and more affected, although i have gotten better at functioning when  he disappears.  i show up for everything and feels like i am on autopilot.  not sure that is a good thing, really. 

Wdone, I am really struck by what you wrote here.  I've been following your story & your feelings about it for a long time, and it seems like this -- the feeling that you cannot just bounce back, you are more and more broken as this goes on -- is really important information.  I'm glad you're allowing yourself to let that insight surface.

I've been struck by a number of posts in recent weeks from long-term stayers (now mostly posting on Undecided) about this same feeling.  That as much as they understand BPD and know not to take it personally, the attacks and abandonment coming from their pwBPD over time still do take a huge toll.  There is so much loss.

A number of those posters have written about the feeling of losing themselves and becoming a shell of who they were.  That certainly happened to me in my effort to maintain a longterm connection with my exbf (which had the same essential dynamics as a romantic r/s except that there were no formal rules about it so he could just bail whenever he wanted to without feeling he'd violated any agreements with me).  What it took to keep going ended up being a degree of detachment that was really at odds with what we'd both seemed to want out of the r/s in the first place, which was loyalty and passion and joy and enthusiasm and deep understanding.

For me, I was going crosseyed and standing on my head trying to think of what was going on in some way other than "he is taking me for granted and betraying me."  I get that the "why" of what was going on makes him less culpable, but in the end, he was still leaving me in new and creative ways all the time.  And I think for all but the most zen among us, it just does do a lot of damage.

Setting aside how you wish things were, and despite how hard you have proven you're willing to try, it's not good to get more and more broken, to feel that numbed out that you're on autopilot.  I totally know that feeling.  I changed some things (I set new terms for us to go forward in our r/s, terms which he chose not to accept) and we're apparently done, or done for now.  I wish it could be otherwise.  But I no longer feel broken and like my life force is draining into a ditch.  My kid commented that she feels like she got her "happy mom" back, the one she remembers from several years ago before I met him.

If you stay, the advice you got on other threads about accepting that this is what he does, it's because he's fighting battles you aren't even a player in, he will probably return, meanwhile, live your life ... . it's all the right advice.  But it's a hard path.  A really hard path.  Especially when you take out the hope of it changing.  Because it almost surely won't.

[wdone]

i have not fully gotten to the resentment part yet... . every time it happens, i seem to get more and more broken.  i am more sad and more affected, although i have gotten better at functioning when  he disappears.  i show up for everything and feels like i am on autopilot.  not sure that is a good thing, really. 

Wdone, I am really struck by what you wrote here.  I've been following your story & your feelings about it for a long time, and it seems like this -- the feeling that you cannot just bounce back, you are more and more broken as this goes on -- is really important information.  I'm glad you're allowing yourself to let that insight surface.

I've been struck by a number of posts in recent weeks from long-term stayers (now mostly posting on Undecided) about this same feeling.  That as much as they understand BPD and know not to take it personally, the attacks and abandonment coming from their pwBPD over time still do take a huge toll.  There is so much loss.

A number of those posters have written about the feeling of losing themselves and becoming a shell of who they were.  That certainly happened to me in my effort to maintain a longterm connection with my exbf (which had the same essential dynamics as a romantic r/s except that there were no formal rules about it so he could just bail whenever he wanted to without feeling he'd violated any agreements with me).  What it took to keep going ended up being a degree of detachment that was really at odds with what we'd both seemed to want out of the r/s in the first place, which was loyalty and passion and joy and enthusiasm and deep understanding.

For me, I was going crosseyed and standing on my head trying to think of what was going on in some way other than "he is taking me for granted and betraying me."  I get that the "why" of what was going on makes him less culpable, but in the end, he was still leaving me in new and creative ways all the time.  And I think for all but the most zen among us, it just does do a lot of damage.

Setting aside how you wish things were, and despite how hard you have proven you're willing to try, it's not good to get more and more broken, to feel that numbed out that you're on autopilot.  I totally know that feeling.  I changed some things (I set new terms for us to go forward in our r/s, terms which he chose not to accept) and we're apparently done, or done for now.  I wish it could be otherwise.  But I no longer feel broken and like my life force is draining into a ditch.  My kid commented that she feels like she got her "happy mom" back, the one she remembers from several years ago before I met him.

If you stay, the advice you got on other threads about accepting that this is what he does, it's because he's fighting battles you aren't even a player in, he will probably return, meanwhile, live your life ... . it's all the right advice.  But it's a hard path.  A really hard path.  Especially when you take out the hope of it changing.  Because it almost surely won't.

 

i am so happy that your daughter said that, and the good news that you are your old self... .

you always have the most kind, most insightful words of feedback and i am so grateful. 

i am beyond tired right now, and going to sleep but thank you, again...

[wdone]

i have done some intense spiritual work and self seeking the last few weeks, and came to some clarity and peace yesterday--I guess it is what i usually come back to, once i calm down and get in touch...

first, i adore and love my boyfriend and the intimacy and connection and time we have. 

i am starting to accept deep down, maybe for the first time, that he needs space sometimes. that he may be really really emotionally dysregulated at times, that he gets overwhelmed, that he needs to be alone (not emotionally intimate) at times to self-soothe...

i had such peace last night when this hit my heart, and then tonight, i got in touch my my deep love for him.  and then, i was able to detach and felt some freedom. 

i did text him, in a different way, not a needy, "i miss you and this is killing me", way--but, in an "i'm grateful for you and our history and connection and love and no pressure, i just want you to know how much i love you and i hope you are doing well... . "

it seems like i always come back to this place... .

there is a (small) part of me that wonders if i am in some sort of denial about the future--and of "it" not happening again when he comes back but overall, all i am feeling is love and peace.  i wanted to share this, as it is such a relief and such a good place to be.

[In_n_Out]

The book "Men are from Mars/Women are from Venus" talks quite a bit about men going to their "caves".  How this will drive women crazy and that the more that they try to pull the men out of the cave, the more that the dragon protecting the cave "burns" them.  It talks about how women may approach this situation in a way that doesn't try to pull the man out and it addresses how the man may be present the situation to the woman.  Why men do it?  It's just the way that we are wired.  We go there to think, to "work the problem" (Apollo 13 movie quote).  Women like to discuss their problems, men sulk and try to work it out themselves.

Now that said, the Mars/Venus book obviously doesn't account for BPD nor does it mean a man going in to his cave for weeks or a month at a time.  We're talking a few hours or a day of sulking.  However, just wanted to include that in the discussion. 

[wdone]

The book "Men are from Mars/Women are from Venus" talks quite a bit about men going to their "caves".  How this will drive women crazy and that the more that they try to pull the men out of the cave, the more that the dragon protecting the cave "burns" them.  It talks about how women may approach this situation in a way that doesn't try to pull the man out and it addresses how the man may be present the situation to the woman.  Why men do it?  It's just the way that we are wired.  We go there to think, to "work the problem" (Apollo 13 movie quote).  Women like to discuss their problems, men sulk and try to work it out themselves.

Now that said, the Mars/Venus book obviously doesn't account for BPD nor does it mean a man going in to his cave for weeks or a month at a time.  We're talking a few hours or a day of sulking.  However, just wanted to include that in the discussion. 

thanks... that does help.  when we lived together, we called the one room his "man cave," where he would go to sort himself out and calm down and sometimes slept in there alone... .

your analogy of (a dragon) him trying to burn me when i try to reach him makes sense.

yes, i wish so much that it didn't have to be a month, two months, three months... .

so hard to sit and wait and not know... .