at my breaking point

[sun seeker]

I feel like I've done everything possible to feel better. I've gone 7 weeks n/c., educated myself about BPD, talk to friends and family about everything, i didnt bury feelings,   kept busy, ive been on this board talking to ppl asking for help and helping others (hopefully) tried dating, even hooked up. I can't afford therapy.

I feel stuck. Like im going in circles. I just can't seem to get her off mind for any length of time. I sound like a broken record. I was at the county fair today spent most of the day worrying I was goin to run into my xdBPDgf.  (I didn't) but I couldn't stand sitting at home or anyone else's house. I still had a good time though.

I was ready to marry this girl and have kids. (Glad I didnt) dodge a nuclear missile for sure. I just wanna knock some sense into her... . any say didnt you know you had my heart. I would have given you the world if it was mine to give. I have never been so in love in all my life. I showed you how much I love you everyday.  I stood by your side through everything & would of never left... Why can't you see this everyone around us does. And give us the respect we deserve.  (I know now none of this would resonate with her)

Im so sick of getting ___ on by women. Now I see why guys I know a complete a $$ holes to women. I just cant do it. It would make me feel like crap to treat anyone this way. Good ppl are hard to come by. Here I am alone, hurting, feeling like a complete wanker! While she off with a replacement without a second thought of what she has done.( thats what telling myself anyway)) F**king blows my mind.

It just going to take time I guess... (SUCKS)

Atleast I can walk away free & clear. I know I did my best for that r/s. Im not perfect I said some mean stuff. (Brutaly honest with eveyone i know) i dont sugar coat anything. Never called names or said anything derogatory.  Ive got ot get over this asap cause I feel my control slipping away. And I dont like this at all. 

Over all I do feel better every week of n/c.

[love4meNOTu]

I hope I can help you tonight...

When you have a relationship that hasn't run its course to a normal conclusion/breakup, you'll have these moments of excruciating pain.

The love of my life (I thought) was a guy I married after six months of knowing him, I was sure I couldn't live without him. (He was verbally and emotionally abusive and I suspect has BPD, surprise surprise... . ) He'd swear up and down he loved me -- and then he'd go back to raging at me every month. Then he'd come back to normal and I'd forgive him -- and then he'd rage at me again. It took me awhile, I still didn't get what was happening, I  couldn't let go of him. Finally, I made up my mind, and filed for divorce. I was out of the denial. He is gone now and I've been divorced since September.

I think you can tell yourself a lot of lies about someone you're not together with. They become like an imaginary friend. You forget or put away the horrid bad stuff in your mind or tell yourself it wasn't that serious. And the new guys you meet can never measure up because you're comparing them to someone you've remade in your head.

And maybe none of that applies to you, but that's what your post made me think of. How I spent so many months thinking about and crying over this guy.

Who, really, when everything comes around, is just another guy.

Can you relate?

L

[simplyasiam]

take your time, don't push yourself. I know its hard, I slipped  at your point and now im in a nine month endless recycle... . you don't want be where I am.

a BPD r/s is a no win deal if the person with BPD is not wanting help trying to get better and even if they are trying then I would say its 50/50 at beast.

I can tell you for sure if you go back to this person what you have seen before you will see over and over again, it never ends. its a cycle that only gos faster and faster

do or say what ever you have to move on and fix yourself and your life.

best of luck to you

[myself]

I relate to what you wrote sun seeker. 7 weeks is a great start. Grieving is a process that can't be rushed. If you're noticing improvement already, think of where you'll be 7 weeks from now, and 7 weeks from then. When we let go of what was and what could have been, we see what is here right now. Keep doing the things that have worked for you. You're resetting your patterns, getting through the withdrawal stage, and clearing away the FOG. You can benefit from your love just as much as anyone.

[CoasterRider]

You sound like me, if you read the "dealing with BPD breakup" article under the info section of this site. It will explain why this type of breakup with this type of individual is so difficult. A lot of it resonates with me. However, no amount of scholarly knowledge can keep the emotional pain at bay. It sucks when you feel like you know you have no control over your thoughts an they consume your consciousness. You seem like a decent guy. We'll all get through this!

[Perfidy]

Hey sunseeker, don't be real hard on yourself. A lot has happened. Your dreams got shot to pieces. It takes time to work your way back into reality. That feeling you have is what's left of a false reality, one you built using another person as the foundation. The discomfort comes because your idea doesn't match the reality. You perceive it one way and in reality it is not the way you perceive it. This mismatched perception can be extremely uncomfortable. Two conflicting views of what we perceive to be reality. Compare it to a baby learning to see. The first images that a child sees are reversed upside down. This is how the light is projected through the pupil and lens of the eye onto the back of the eye, the retina. The mind takes a while to figure out that the image is upside down. It's the same with getting your mind to match reality. It takes longer because it is very complex how we bond with pwBPD. I hope I don't sound too whacked out to you but if I do I'll understand. Hope that helps you. I know how hard this is.

[sun seeker]

 Thanks to all of you gals/gals

Everything that had been said here resonates big time. This is very hard, I know I will be ok. For most of the day I smiling and joking (i make everyone around me laugh often) and then a memory will just pop in my head. And down I go. I tell my self the horrible things that went down. And it snaps me back some what. (Today I feel good).

I've read all the material I could find here and on the net. And it definitely gave me some serious insight to BPD & what im going through. I couldnt of got where I am with out it. And then this board & you guys/gals on it are an amazing group. Never thought I could find such support from strangers.  THANK YOU GUYS SO MUCH!

I have also noticed when I am deprived of the proper amount of sleep. This BPDer issue is alot worse for me. I need to check myself,  Laying here ruminating keeps me up. I am a thinker, I analyze everything that is important to me.

I've definitely tried to rush healing at times, I have slowed myself down. And allowed my self to feel everything... . looking forward to how I feel in 7 more weeks. I forget sometimes how much better I feel now compared to weeks ago. I try to live in the hear and now.(in the moment). I have to keep telling my self that im still in the first mile (7 weeks)of this endurance race. Slow and steady will get me across the finish line... .

I do catch myself thinking of what could have been.(if she wasn't disordered) and thats not reality. Reality is I would of keep going through "hell" with her. And thats not an option. I can definitely see how ppl can stay with a BPDers for decades.  I cant imagine the long term damage inflicted mentally on the "non. In the end I am very happy to be free from the r/s.

Thd baby analogy is spot on... how we perceive or r/s is the totally opposite of how the BPDers see it. And thats a sad reality. Things have gone right side up for sure.

Love4menotu, simplyasiam, myself, coasterrider, perfidy. You guys rock  i cant thank you enough!

[sirensong65]

Oh, Sun Seeker, I am RIGHT where you are.  My love of my life (I thought) ended it a week before Thanksgiving.  We were together only a year, but had plans to marry (had the license, the rings, etc.) and he backed out two days before.  He sighted depression so I stood by him and tried to work it out while he went back and forth with "I love you, but I am not IN love with you, No, wait!  I AM in love with you, you feel deeper for me that I do for you, I'm not in a good place and need to figure this out, the therapist says I should not be in a relationship, etc."  And a week before the start of the holiday season, he ends it.  And then I find out he had been on an online dating sight LONG before we officially broke up, my heart was shattered.

Like you, I have attempted NC, was doing good until he resurfaced to "apologize" a few days ago.  I have kept busy, went out twice with a guy then saw red flags and cut that cord, now I am where you are.  I think ALL men are Aholes... . !  But, if you think all women are and I think all men are, something MUST be wrong, correct?

This will take time, I have no doubt.  I have decided after the last two weeks of seeing this other guy that I am going to swear off the dating scene for a while.  I have a lot going on to keep me occupied and though a new love interest would certainly quell the sting and hole this BPD relationship left, that's pretty much the way HE is coping and it isn't healthy.  In some way, I want to avoid the pain, but in reality, going THROUGH this and not around it is the only healthy way to approach it.

Atleast know you are NOT alone and there are women out there that got burned in much the same way you did.  This is a gender biased issue.

[sun seeker]

 Siren

You are correct... .

Our story's are very similar.  We where together almost a year.  We also broke up near thanksgiving.  We where supposed to marry in april. I caught her talking to other men again from rehab.( not supposed to fraternize, rehab rules)  We where in therapy together(court ordered from a dui charge with rehab).  The therapist said in front of her if you catch her talking to other men again walk away. And thats what I did. I changed all my contact info except for my landline but it is private so I thought I was safe. Not so much. She called one friday at 5 a.m. and when I heard her voice I hung up with out saying a word.

I dont think all women are a$$ holes just the ones I choose to date. Lol

Thanks for helping me feel like im not alone. It sure feels this way at times... .

Im not gunna let this stop me from finding a partner but I  have a great CRADAR now (crazy radar). Lol

                                                                                                            Sun seeker

[Tincanmike]

Not sure where you live, but I was able to find a local clinic that offers services based on your income (a sliding scale they call it).  I pay around $30 a visit to see a psychologist and $20 to be prescribed medicine to help with my anxiety, depression, one to help with sleep.  I used to spend about as much on a 30 pack of beer. 

Look into it.  Most communities I would think would have something available.  Not only does the actual therapy and medicine help, but the feeling that you are taking concrete steps to help yourself does also.

This board has also helped immensely.  People here understand the "nature of the beast" like many in our daily lives can't.  I hope things get better for you and feel your pain.  Be in touch with your feelings, you have to go through the stages of grief and its not comfortable I know.  I hate to say it but a watched pot never boils.  Don't expect too much out of yourself too quickly.  With time, the scales will begin to tip in your favor.  Best of wishes to your continued healing.

[seeking balance]

Sun Seeker,

I wish the answer was easier - but it really is a time combined with processing emotions thing.  Those stagnant times where logically it seems like I "should" be better (not bad, just blah) were the most challenging for me too.

These relationships tend to emotionally get us at our core - you say you were planning marriage - my guess is this decision didn't come lightly to you, so 7 weeks really is not a lot of time to process the depth of that change. 

One thing that you mention about sleep - so true.  The basics - eat, sleep, low or no alcohol/drugs, exercise are more important now than any other time.  Not to "fix" us, but to not make the emotional lows worse.

A lot of people try something new during this time - helps focus the brain a bit... . have you ever wanted to run a marathon, take up boxing, learn to paint, rebuild a car?  This is a great time to give yourself this time for that kind of new project.

Hang in there,

SB

[sun seeker]

Tin

Yea I've looked into a mentally health facility today that charges on a sliding scale based on my income for a therapy sessions. Thanks for the advice its greatly appreciated.

SB

  I agree 100. I dont do drugs & drink very rarely.  Mabey twice a year. I work on my vehicles alot truck , crotch rocket. Im gunna quit smoking ciggs in the morning. That will definitely take my mind off things. Yea its core trauma for sure. Ive never felt this strong for anyone in my 35 yrs of life. I definitely feel like I made the right move by walking away and goin totall n/c. I have the caretaker mentality no doubt. I dont think thats a bad thing unless your being hurt by the loved one. Wich I was and I made the choice not to be any longer. N/C all the way!

                                  Thanks for taking the time to read and respond it means alot. Sun seeker

[myself]

I have the caretaker mentality no doubt.

Sounds like you are taking better care of yourself now. Keep it up!

[seeking balance]

Im gunna quit smoking ciggs in the morning. That will definitely take my mind off things.

Good for you!  It may be a challenge  - what is your new "habit" or strategy to replace this?

[irishmarmot]

Sun seeker just remember that what you are going through is part of the grieving process and it won't last forever.   Like you said in another 7 weeks you will be feeling a lot better.   The feelings won't last forever.   I'm back to day 6 of NC with a dv order against me and I will never turn back to her now.  I will never speak to her again.   Her hold on me is gone.  This was her last ditch effort to control me and it didn't work.  

[sun seeker]

Thanks irish.

Glad to see you have took control of your situation by going n/c. I couldnt imagine going through what you are facing. Dam right it didnt work you know her ___ all to welI . feel for you bro.  This is tuff for us all.  Keep your head up man. You will be ok... .

[pallavirajsinghani]

Sunseeker:

Think of a beloved one dying.  Your grief would not end in a few weeks or months.  It would be a long process.  You won't forget the person, the memory of the person would continue to be alive.  What you would forget is the pain.  You would be able to remember without the pain.

So, your dream just died.  A dream of any idyllic married life, growing old together watching kids and grand kids grow, picnics, BBQ's Superbowl family parties and all that.

This dream is such a powerful force.  It is a beloved dream.  It is a live breathing entity.  When this dream died, it is unreasonable for you to expect your mourning to be over so quickly.

I think that for every bad memory, you have to have 3-9 good memories superimposed on it to mitigate its negative effects.  So it is time for you to consciously and deliberately start creating good memories for yourself.  Slow your life down a little, focus on basics... . breathing deeply, listening to good music, movies you have always wanted to watch.

It would be helpful to join shared/group pleasurable activities, like guided hiking tours, joining a bike club, take a beginner guitar class... . or better, beat on those drums you have left untouched since adolescent in your closet  ;-)

God bless... .

[SeekingAdviceinCa]

For most of the day I smiling and joking (i make everyone around me laugh often) and then a memory will just pop in my head. And down I go. I tell my self the horrible things that went down. And it snaps me back some what. (Today I feel good).

I have also noticed when I am deprived of the proper amount of sleep. This BPDer issue is alot worse for me. I need to check myself,  Laying here ruminating keeps me up. I am a thinker, I analyze everything that is important to me.

I do catch myself thinking of what could have been.(if she wasn't disordered) and thats not reality. Reality is I would of keep going through "hell" with her. And thats not an option. I can definitely see how ppl can stay with a BPDers for decades.  I cant imagine the long term damage inflicted mentally on the "non. In the end I am very happy to be free from the r/s.

Sunseeker,

You could be my twin. Seriously, how you describe yourself and how you are feeling are exactly how I've felt and am feeling. It's incredibly hard. This is the hardest thing I've ever dealt with.

I spent the day with family and friends watching the football games and had a very nice time but I can't help myself to think what would she be doing?  That I wish she could be there too. That I miss the sound of her voice.  I totally relate how a positive memory just completely throws you off your game. The what-ifs are obsessively reoccurring. And my stbxwife is with my replacement (although she's already cheated on him so that's a little consolation). But still, it's impossible not to wonder about all the what ifs.

It's also hard when my stbxwife puts post on Facebook things like "Life is good". Makes me feel like I was the one that made her life so horrible when we were together. But I know I gave it my best shot every day. I did all I could.

Hang in there sun seeker. You are not alone. We are all in this together.