Partner wants to get help but wont(full post)

[spyderz66]

Hey there,

This is most of the whole story I felt I was over explaing or something so let me apologize again when I start rattling on at points, This was the first site I found about a month ago when my BF and I started briefly talking about this. Finally got up the courage for myself to post and ask for help so here goes.

    We have been together now almost 3 years, and at first everything was great, but fast. Which it seems like is normal for someone with BPD. I knew from the beginning that he was diagnosed with depression and PTSD, both from his childhood with an extremely abusive father and a mother that has some issues herself from falling off a horse when she was younger. So when after awhile he stopped going to work or really trying it wasn't a blow out of no where. I put on my happy face,bucked up, and kept telling him we will get through this. Well after a couple of months like this I was starting to feel angry. I didnt want to say much because when I did we would fight and I didn't want to make him feel worse and prolong what I thought he was going through. But it continued and the fights kept getting worse. There was always a glimmer of hope though, after things settled we would and still have always talked about what happened and I know he gets it. He tries his hardest to make sure he does or doesn't do the things that have caused issues in the past for us. Sometimes it takes longer than others for the message to sink in but there is always progress. I wont deny though that the progress is often times overshadowed by giant leaps back it feels like, but I have held on to those moments of hope and cheered them on even during the darkest times for us. I want to mention also that When we first got together he was a very heavy drinker which I know fueled some of this. However after an incident with the police and courts for a public incident the drinking has stopped, though it has been replaced by something worse that I knew he had a previous problem with. I over looked it though because in a way it truly did help for a bit. It got him out of bed more often, his back wouldn't hurt as much( he also has scoliosis) and his moods were better for longer. The fighting got worse though and so when I finally brought it up to him that I need the drugs to go, It came down to him accusing me that I didn't want him better , I must hate him and that he couldn't trust me since I was trying to take the one thing away that made him feel like he was  "normal". So I continued to overlook it. Well jump forward a couple years, a few hundred fights, too many broken things to count, and the house being destroyed to make me feel like he always did when I didn't clean as often as he thought I should. The cops being called to the apartment twice now, the drugs still going on, which at this point IMO are just compounding the emotional instability he has. I dont know what to do any more. The night we came across info on BPD it seemed too good to be true, here was something that finally explained everything we had been going through. Even he admitted that he thought it probably was true. As a teeneager he was looking up info on different mental health symptoms and right when he started reading about BPD his aunt caught him and told him he was normal and shut off the computer. Since then though nothing has moved forward. I try not to bring it up too often because he instantly gets rage, but when he calms down, when he is crying and telling me whats really on his mind, he tells me he knows he needs to quit the drugs, get help, wants to do and asks for my help. Though when I try to do what he says he wants me to do he gets mad. When I first started reading about all of this and learning I was employing all the techniques of validation and it really did help, but now I'm finding it hard for me to keep in check because my anger and frustration are becoming so large that I cant catch myself before I start defending myself. When I try to walk away for a minute just to let us both calm down he follows me and as I like to say he "keeps kicking the dog when hes already down".

I'm sorry this was so much at first, I really want to get us the help we both need at this point. I know I am going to need therapy for myself now. I would like us to go separately and together so we can work on ourselves and us at the same time. Is that even the right thing to do? Any help of anysort will be welcomed with open arms. After reading the success stories I know there is hope for us, I just dont know how to get me,him,us started.

Thank you!

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[Mazda]

Spyderz,

Your story sounds oh so familiar to me, as my ex fiance was so similar, although he seems more high functioning.

Let me tell you first: alcohol and drugs are coping mechanisms for him.  If you make the drugs go (hitch I doubt will happen), it will be replaced by another bad habit.

Everything you describe to me is manipulation techniques.  My friend, you are being ABUSED.  The frustration and anger?  That's because he is stomping all over your boundaries.  He sounds like he has some serious BPD, very high on the spectrum, which narc traits (his habits are very hedonistic).  Those old times?  Manipulation to keep you hooked.  I am sore to say, there is no hope.  I was in your position and I believed there was hope.  I learnt the hard way.  Narc traits means that they are pretty much treatment resistant.  If he wanted to get help, he would have done it already.  He won't.  Him telling you he I'll is throwing you a bone so you keep coming back.  Don't fall for it.

The success stories on this board are those with BPD partners who wanted to help themselves.  Relationships are two way.  The partner also accepts that they will not have a normal adult relationship.  Period.

You cannot fix him.  I learnt that the hard way.  I bough the lies and manipulation and took the abuse without realising.  Please, accept he won't change.  From what you say, he will get worse.  The drugs? Illegal.  He is breaking the law.  He is indulging in things that relieve his pain but cause you more pain.  That is not a healthy relationship, it is pure selfishness. 

Good luck x

[an0ught]

Hi spyderz66,

Since then though nothing has moved forward. I try not to bring it up too often because he instantly gets rage, but when he calms down, when he is crying and telling me whats really on his mind, he tells me he knows he needs to quit the drugs, get help, wants to do and asks for my help. Though when I try to do what he says he wants me to do he gets mad. When I first started reading about all of this and learning I was employing all the techniques of validation and it really did help, but now I'm finding it hard for me to keep in check because my anger and frustration are becoming so large that I cant catch myself before I start defending myself. When I try to walk away for a minute just to let us both calm down he follows me and as I like to say he "keeps kicking the dog when hes already down".

Validation alone only gets you so far. When dealing with behavior that is out of control stable boundaries are needed. Getting them in place is hard work but once there life gets easier.

Defending (the D in JADE) is usually invalidating and triggering. It would be good if you could leave in a way that truly leaves him behind. Half hearted boundary execution only lead to intermittent reenforcement. Getting the boundaries right matters and requires some planning. Focus on a few boundaries a max, well executed and important to you wellbeing. Be very clear what you protect, why you protect it, how you protect it and what the price is you may have to pay. Posting on the board can help to clarify your thoughts and get some feedback.

One way to look at DBT is that he is not broken but he needs to learn skills. Now what on earth is wrong with learning life skills with a wide array of applications?

I'm sorry this was so much at first, I really want to get us the help we both need at this point. I know I am going to need therapy for myself now. I would like us to go separately and together so we can work on ourselves and us at the same time. Is that even the right thing to do? Any help of anysort will be welcomed with open arms. After reading the success stories I know there is hope for us, I just dont know how to get me,him,us started.

Getting a T for yourself may be the first and most simplest step. It also lowers the threshold for him. Couple therapy should be your last priority as it often leads to conflicts.