finally my closure

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

If you all remember I posted last week how my ex had been contacting me pretty aggressively and I was debating on what to do.

Follow up:

After a lot of thinking I decided to call her back. Things were actually very calm and there were points where she threw digs at me but I shut them down pretty quickly. Anyways we spoke for the next 3 days until thursday morning she called me and told me how since our break up 6 months ago she had been in a relationship with a new guy and things got very heavy very fast (i mean what relationship with a BPD doesn't) and she said I had a moment where I was like what am I doing I need time for myself. So she then went on saying how she has a need for validation from men (obviously) and how she is cutting all and every male out of her life for 30 days to see if she can be more productive. I said to her, I think its great and I would have never had called you back if I had thought you hadn't taken time for yourself and then I said however my non-codependent self thinks that you are so selfish for calling me aggressively and then 3 days after I reached out you are now cutting me off again (so typical). Needless to say she agreed that, that was a selfish thing which was surprising. Our conversation was very calm and to be honest I got closure because for so long I had been thinking everything was my fault and after NC for 6 months and seeing now that she is a bigger mess then before well that cured that "blame me feeling". However she did pretty much blame our breakup, the downward spiral of her mental health, the breakup that she caused btw.

I obviously wish things could be different and still obsess at times but truthfully at this moment I feel peace.

I wonder if she will contact me again and I sure she will but I probably will not respond back because she will just do the same thing.  Take in mind I do not think she intended for me to get closure but I seized the moment I guess you could say

[magichat101]

If you all remember I posted last week how my ex had been contacting me pretty aggressively and I was debating on what to do.

Follow up:

After a lot of thinking I decided to call her back. Things were actually very calm and there were points where she threw digs at me but I shut them down pretty quickly. Anyways we spoke for the next 3 days until thursday morning she called me and told me how since our break up 6 months ago she had been in a relationship with a new guy and things got very heavy very fast (i mean what relationship with a BPD doesn't) and she said I had a moment where I was like what am I doing I need time for myself. So she then went on saying how she has a need for validation from men (obviously) and how she is cutting all and every male out of her life for 30 days to see if she can be more productive. I said to her, I think its great and I would have never had called you back if I had thought you hadn't taken time for yourself and then I said however my non-codependent self thinks that you are so selfish for calling me aggressively and then 3 days after I reached out you are now cutting me off again (so typical). Needless to say she agreed that, that was a selfish thing which was surprising. Our conversation was very calm and to be honest I got closure because for so long I had been thinking everything was my fault and after NC for 6 months and seeing now that she is a bigger mess then before well that cured that "blame me feeling". However she did pretty much blame our breakup, the downward spiral of her mental health, the breakup that she caused btw.

I obviously wish things could be different and still obsess at times but truthfully at this moment I feel peace.

I wonder if she will contact me again and I sure she will but I probably will not respond back because she will just do the same thing.  Take in mind I do not think she intended for me to get closure but I seized the moment I guess you could say

[heartandwhole]

magichat101,

I'm glad that you feel at peace.  You've found some closure, which is what many here do not get, so good for you.  I'm glad that you were able to talk calmly with your ex and understand that nothing has changed, and that her behavior will likely follow this pattern with you.

Where will this newfound freedom propel you next, magic?  Any goals you are shooting for?

[SheAskedForaBreak]

I'm gald it worked out for you.  My exBPD were supposed to talk today, but she hasn't been responsive to anything I've texted or left on her voicemail, I only left one of each message.  I went ahead and emailed her too after waiting 2 hours, but no response.  She sent me a great email saying she missed me and asking me to please talk to her.  Of course this isn't a two way street and I'm sure she is pissed I didn't respond to her last email, but... .  

[Tausk]

I'm happy for you.  Finding closure is very difficult with a pwBPD.  I never received any validation from my ex. She never really apologized.  Once at the end in counseling she said that she was sorry she did those things... . because of how I treated her (huh?).

Have you thought about a game plan to protect yourself if she calls back?  I finally learned that it's actions not words.  Because pwBPD believe the words and honestly with sincere intent intend to execute and honor their words.  But when it does not come fruition, then the instant rationalization can occur.  Not deliberate.  Simply how their brains are hardwired and how they cope with their limitations.

Perhaps a plan on your part not to call back for at least 30 days if she calls?  She said she needed to cut off contact with men.  Perhaps help her do that.  Otherwise, you might end up being the drug that a junkie returns to when the pain comes.

[magichat101]

Hey! I appreciate all the positive support. Listen it might not be the ideal closure but I think I saw an opportunity and went through it. Maybe I am fooling myself and maybe now I have hope that someday we will be back together, who knows though.

I've thought about when she calls me again and I most likely won't respond and if I decide that I want to then it will be in a text saying "Hey, hope you are doing well. Listen I would love nothing more then to communicate with you because I miss you however I can't have someone that keeps coming and going in my life that I care about so much, it is just too hard." something along the lines of that.

Listen, everything is always on their terms. I know she was feeling lonely because she told me and to top it off she had the flu, so yeah I do feel hurt about that but not surprised. I am proud of myself though. and still there is not a day that goes by that I don't miss her, however i don't miss the way she treated me and because of that I can make logical decisions.


Here's something for a change guys, lets work on us! Let's work on us being happy. Remember people with BPD will never truly be happy but there is hope for us.

[love2give]

magicchat101 I feel for you.  I am going through something very similar except she has made it clear that we have no future together.  This from someone that for a year and a half told me I was the man of her dreams.

I notice in your post that you write you have found closure but then you write of the hopes that maybe someday you will be back together.  That is the feeling I just cant understand in myself as well.  This person straight out tells me we are over, tells me I'm "lucky" she answered the phone when I called.  You would think that's enough closure yet still I have these delusional thoughts that "MAYBE".

If I had a friend who was treated the way I was, I know exactly what advice I would give them.  Unfortunately its so very hard to practice what I would preach.

I wish all the strength you need to get through this.

[afdezm]

Congratulations for your closing. I hope you can continue in peace.

I just took a month with NC, and I wish that her contact me, I need some validation from her.

It is a terrible pain. Keep explaining your progress and if he re-contact you.

6 months prior to this call were all NC?

Sorry for my english!.

[Murbay]

Congrats magichat and I truly hope this brings you peace and a happier future. Closure in these circumstances comes in many different shapes and forms and whilst not the most idyllic way, it is still closure all the same.

I know for a fact I will never have a normal type of closure from my exBPDw but with the help of my T and recent events, I have found the answers I was looking for. My T helped me understand that she was never going to change, that even with the best therapy it would take years but that she refused to acknowledge and accept that she was the issue. I had doubts because all of that was projected on to me and your head fills with many "what if's", what if I was the problem, what if she was right about me and so forth.

After a year of NC, I am still getting the abusive emails for not responding to her and it is triggering her. In those emails I see that nothing at all has changed, she still refers to promises we made to each other 3 years ago and that I'm a bad person for breaking those promises. T believes I have a good handle on that and not taking ownership for her issues. Promises do get broken, the difference being that some people break them out of being selfish, others because a situation changes outside of your control and you have to adapt to that. That is a concept my exBPDw will never be able to comprehend and the recent emails prove it. It is going to be the same for any person she enters into a relationship with and the outcome will always be the same.

That for me is the closure and validation I needed. Had I still been in that relationship, the control and abuse would still be there right now.

In terms of dealing with hope of the future. My T taught me to deal with it like a death. Grieve for the person, have fond memories of the good time, miss them but know they are never coming back. It's OK to want or miss them and to have happy memories and when you reach that stage, you will have your own closure.

[State85]

I'm gald it worked out for you.  My exBPD were supposed to talk today, but she hasn't been responsive to anything I've texted or left on her voicemail, I only left one of each message.  I went ahead and emailed her too after waiting 2 hours, but no response.  She sent me a great email saying she missed me and asking me to please talk to her.  Of course this isn't a two way street and I'm sure she is pissed I didn't respond to her last email, but... .  

Going through the same thing here. My exgf texts me last week since I was NC saying it was hurtful of me to not contact her and check in on her. So I casually responded. That led to a bunch of text messages over the weekend, her begging me to talk... . me not giving in. When I did give in and call, she couldn't talk at the moment... . said maybe later... . haven't heard back. It's a control thing... . get you to respond to know you are there, make up some desparate plea to talk... . but then it wasn't so desparate after all, or she would have talked... . control... . I'm taking it back!

[Learning_curve74]

magichat, I'm glad you've found a measure of peace. The lack of outward emotional response and sympathy, or closure, haunts many of us on the board here.

It sounds like you have a follow up plan as well which is good. 

For those of us who haven't gotten that emotional validation from our BPDex, we have to give it to ourselves. Once we truly accept our pwBPD is mentally ill, then we can strive to make that effort for ourselves. It's not easy, but you're SO worth it, I promise!

If we want something different, then we have to start thinking and doing things differently.

 

[ShadowDancer]

She is swearing off men for a whole 30 days! Wow that's some big time sacrifice. Are you impressed?

A word of the wise... . if their lips are moving... . they are lying.

[seeking balance]

I obviously wish things could be different and still obsess at times but truthfully at this moment I feel peace.

Glad you feel at peace - we can only do our side of the street, sounds like you are handling this in a mature way of focusing on you now 

[magichat101]

She is swearing off men for a whole 30 days! Wow that's some big time sacrifice. Are you impressed?

A word of the wise... . if their lips are moving... . they are lying.

haha I totally agree... . She probably has a new man and she needed me to know that she won't be able to talk for 30 days... . She is so predictable... . She was so sure that I had put a tracker on her phone since we have been split up, I am like b*tch you are crazy. Meanwhile she probably has a tracker on my      

Congratulations for your closing. I hope you can continue in peace.

I just took a month with NC, and I wish that her contact me, I need some validation from her.

It is a terrible pain. Keep explaining your progress and if he re-contact you.

6 months prior to this call were all NC?

Sorry for my english!.

yes it was 6 months of complete NC. She had tried to reach out around 2 months ago but I ignored her. Just think about it, the time isn't if it's when. Most likely they will contact you and you have to power to let that be your closure, wether you answer or not... . After all the crap she talked about me the fact that she is still contacting me allows me to understand that I wasn't this horrible person that she said I always was. Just stay strong.

magichat, I'm glad you've found a measure of peace. The lack of outward emotional response and sympathy, or closure, haunts many of us on the board here.

It sounds like you have a follow up plan as well which is good. 

For those of us who haven't gotten that emotional validation from our BPDex, we have to give it to ourselves. Once we truly accept our pwBPD is mentally ill, then we can strive to make that effort for ourselves. It's not easy, but you're SO worth it, I promise!

If we want something different, then we have to start thinking and doing things differently.

 

I totally agree, if you do not get the validation then give it to yourselves... . Guys let's give ourselves a break. At the end of the day we are all here for the same reason and we are here to support each other and find support... . And know this, they WILL NOT CHANGE... .