Help me to move on...

[Lizzie3]

Hi everyone, I posted this in the new members section yesterday and wondered if any of you could give me advice. I didn't even know BPD even existed until a week ago and it explain the last 8 painful years of my life.

I'm new to this and need help please.

I've been reading all day about BPD and I feel I've experienced an epiphany about my ex boyfriend.

I was with him for 6 years on and off.  I feel now that despite some wonderful times when I truly felt madly in love with him, wanting to start a family with him and spend the rest of my life with him it felt like he subjected me to 6 years of mental and emotional pain.  A refusal to talk about the future (or giving me contradictory messages about it), booking multiple holidays and trips away without me (and then ringing me because he wasn't enjoying it and missing me-he also said I was inflexible because I couldn't take the same holidays as him), a refusal to give me advance warning on anything and then saying I was planning too much, he flirted hideously with girls in front of me (I mean truly hideously ) and this all added to my insecurities.  I finally broke up with him a year ago after he moved to another area of the country and told me he didn't care what I thought about his life, he was going to do what he wanted to do.  Obviously, this last statement was followed a few days later by him saying he didn't mean it.  We were still together at this point I need to add!  There are so many other things he did.

I'd just basically had enough of absolute torture.

Since then I have heard numerous reports that he cheated on me with many people.  I can't bring myself to believe that these are true although I think perhaps cheating without remorse is a feature of BPD?  These rumours have come from some of my very good friends who said they 'didn't want to hurt me' so didn't tell me.  He says they're all lying and that he's not done the things they're all saying.

In November he turned up at my house at 2am saying he loved me and we were meant to be together.  Over Christmas he rang me from his holiday to say he missed me.  I saw him this weekend and his behaviour disgusted me.  He drank so much he could barely speak and then proceeded to chat up a girl literally in front of me.

I told him not to contact me ever again.

I'm just feeling so sad.  I can't get over this.  It's been a year now.  Is no contact the way forward? I want to be with him but I know I can't... . it would destroy me.  I'm an independent, intelligent, attractive girl and I feel like an absolute idiot.  Does this all sound familiar to you all?  Have I been slow in realising all this?

Thanks for your help and I'm sorry this is so long xx

[Surnia]

Hi Lizzie3

I am so sorry to hear about your shattered relationship! 

Going through a separation and being confronted with probably more infidelity issues is really hard and so we feel easily like an idiot. Even if you feel like this, you are not.

Yes, it is familiar here. So many members here went through similar things.

I can relate also with your wish to overcome this and detach from it. Joining here and sharing your story is a great first step!

It needs time. And boundaries as protection. This is one of the reasons about no contact.

Stay tuned here, Lizzie, it will help! 

[Lizzie3]

Thank you so much for the reply.  This is what is dragging it out for me... . we have so many mutual friends and I feel they know more about what he got up to in our relationship than I do.

I'm not stupid but I honestly had no idea he'd cheated (if indeed he did) but this is simple mental torture to be honest.

[bpdspell]

Hey Lizzie,

You are on a great beginners path to understanding the complexities of being involved with someone who has Borderline Personality Disorder. Your best bet is to read the articles on your right and to read the stories of the people on the Leaving Board. Then post a topic when you need to.

The betrayal of cheating hurts and it has happened to many of us here on this board including me. But in time you will connect the dots and see that there are many red flags that add up to make the disorder of BPD a real cause of your exs behavior.

You are not dumb or stupid; you feel heartbroken, confused, perhaps lost and unsure of what you've experienced but in time it will all make sense.

Spell

[growing_wings]

HI Lizzie,

sorry to hear your story. i have only been in this board of discussion for 2 weeks aprox, and i find it extremely valuable for the support, to be able to read stories and post my own experiences. so stay in touch, this will help.

what helped me the most at the beginning of my BU was to read and truly inform myself about BPD. Knowledge is power, so read as much as you can about it.

allow yourself to grieve... .

best wishes

[santa]

There's a phrase I used to say to my ex when she was trying to call all the shots. I called it "Jester's Law". Essentially it's when the fool is making the rules.

You can either stand by and let this crazy idiot drag your life straight down the toilet or you can realize that they are a destructive force and that nothing good will ever happen to you if you let them lead you.

Do what you want, but this guy will destroy you if you give him the chance. That's what BPD do.

[Tausk]

Hey Liz:

Welcome.  Everything you wrote is familiar to me and I'd bet my house to everyone else on this board.  When I read the article on "how a relationship with a BPD evolves"  it was like a piano being dropped on my head.  The pain, the noise, the explosion of awareness.

the good news is that you're not crazy.  you're not BPD yourself.  You are just in a FOG (look it up). 

And there is a way out.  Recovery is possible.  Tremendous Growth is possible. Hope and Faith are tangible if you are willing to do the work and grow.

And it's always a good idea to find a therapist who understands trauma bonds and BPD.

Good luck and remember that the board will always be here for us.

[selling1]

Hi Lizzie,

I can relate to your situation.

its hard enough to break up with someone you love that is generally emotionally healthy, let alone someone with BPD.

However, when you break up with someone who has traits of BPD, these feeling are greatly intensified and it often feels like their will never be any closure.

The best advice I can give you from my personal experience with my ex BPD wife is that the first thing you need to do is stop focusing on him (i.e. the things he has said to you and how he has behaved towards you ect) and start focusing on you.

2 reasons for this, firstly, doesn't matter how much time and energy you put into trying to work out the thoughts and behaviours of someone suffering from BPD, it will be a completely useless exercise and will only lead you to depression. You cannot rationalise with someone that has several traits of this disorder. Its impossible, because they are wired up completely differently.

Secondly, by shifting the focus to looking after yourself, exercise, diet, spending time with good friends / relatives, appointing a good therapist that understands relationships with people that have BPD ect will assist you to feel better within yourself and in turn build your internal strength to move forward with your life and find happiness.

I honesty believe that a lot of the time pwBPD don't deliberately want to hurt us, but they will continually do so, because of the way they are wired up.

The breaking up is the easy part, its what happens to us afterwards that causes the most pain, as we dig deep inside and finally realise why we are still attracted to people who treat us in an emotionally unhealthy way. only then , the real healing begins and we eventually find 'Peace of Mind'.

I wish you well.

[Lizzie3]

Thank you so much  for your replies.  I'm still amazed at having found this board and finally having a 'reason' for feeling the way I am.

A quick question... . I really need to delete him on facebook and I will do.  I promise. I want to send him a message when I do saying something like 'as we discussed, I'm deleting you to give myself space and time to get over this and be able to move on in a healthy way.' I also want to tell him that I think he has BPD and he should seek some help.  I don't for a second think he will as I asked him to get counselling for years to try and save our relationship but he didn't.  Has anyone done this as a parting 'I'm trying to do something nice for you' or am I being too nice?  If you did, do you have an example of an article I could send him, possibly an 'identifying the symptoms of BPD' or something like that?

[growing_wings]

Thank you so much  for your replies.  I'm still amazed at having found this board and finally having a 'reason' for feeling the way I am.

A quick question... . I really need to delete him on facebook and I will do.  I promise. I want to send him a message when I do saying something like 'as we discussed, I'm deleting you to give myself space and time to get over this and be able to move on in a healthy way.' I also want to tell him that I think he has BPD and he should seek some help.  I don't for a second think he will as I asked him to get counselling for years to try and save our relationship but he didn't.  Has anyone done this as a parting 'I'm trying to do something nice for you' or am I being too nice?  If you did, do you have an example of an article I could send him, possibly an 'identifying the symptoms of BPD' or something like that?

i have had the tremendous urge to do like you did above, but i havent done it.

 

there is another thread doing on about NONs disclosing to them that they have BPD. they will not admit it, BPD is a serious emotional disorder, so they will find it very difficult to accept. i dont think this will help him, and it will not bring tghe closure you need, but might open a path or a discussion you might not want to enter into.

I know we want closure, i know we want to sit down and talk to them in the same we would talk to a person without BPD, make them understand, but they cant grasp it. THe only person who can help them is themselves. whatever you say, they will probably discard and they might even attack you  back verbally.

what is what you want to achieve by sending him that message?

[Cimbaruns]

Lizzie3

Speaking from personal experience... . to confront him... . even via FB... . about his Bpd is a slippery slope,

I remember mentioning it ever so carefully a few years into our r/s and was met with a lot of anger and denial.

I do not believe that they are capable of both accepting or realizing that such a problem exists for them... .

I think I understand that maybe it's out of caring "for him" that you wish to do this... . however I also really believe that closure is something that in all reality. ... . you'll never be able to achieve.

I understand totally what you must be feeling

[Lizzie3]

I don't know what I want to achieve, maybe some closure and an acknowledgement from him that his issues need sorting.  I suppose I still want to help him perhaps... .

When I ended this I felt OK, I felt upset when I did it but OK after.  It seems to be getting worse though now... . I constantly obsess over what he's doing, who he's doing it with, I see pictures he's 'liked' on facebook of girls and I then stalk their profiles... . I must have looked at his page 30 times on Saturday and then had a horrific nightmare about him cheating on me... .

God, this is pathetic!