My wife is out of town

[joshbjoshb]

And I feel the difference... .

The constant tension I have when she is here is gone.

I can do a work related item when needed (no bid deal, only 15 minutes but if she would have been here, I'd feel her rage accumulating, and if not today, it will come out in a different day how I never spend time with her, never care for her, blah blah blah... . )

All of a sudden, I can simply be me. Take my time, do what I am in the mood of doing, and not thinking what reaction that is going to trigger.

It's all going to end tonight or tomorrow morning when she comes back... . but I enjoy it. And just realizing how I live in constant stress and tension.

It's not easy, so hat off to everyone who is dealing with it!

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Take2]

I experienced that "aaaaaah" feeling last week at work as my exBPDbf (aka coworker) was out all week... .   I won't go into details here as this is the staying board and I'm not staying - but reading this post made me just want to tell you I do understand... .   bc for me, even when I'm shut out, dumped, discarded, it's never over so a week off was a very, very relaxing experience for me... .    I could actually speak to coworkers and not be afraid of getting in trouble!   

[elemental]

Possibly this is a key thing for you. To take care of yourself by getting personal space more.

[joshbjoshb]

Possibly this is a key thing for you. To take care of yourself by getting personal space more.

I do it quite often - I consider work (when working not at home) as a personal space.

However, the feelings that when I come home I get no safe heaven... . that's a different story.

[hergestridge]

I had this feeling when my wife was hospitalized last year and I was home alonw with my daughter. My wife had been suicidal, so I wasn't supposed to be happy, but tbh it was like a vacation. Just like you describe.

If she's just "away" it's not the same. Last time she was on a business trip she got drunk and cheated on me with a stranger.

[empathic]

Yes, I wish my wife would be out of town more often. She does some travelling with a friend but it's only one time per year and just a 3-day weekend. It feels odd to have the exact opposite problem of many r/s where the spouse is out of the house too much. My wife does not hold a normal job (she eventually clashes with the boss or corworkers when she's had one) so there is no travelling involved there either.

Just having her leave home early in the morning so I can make breakfast and take the kids to school myself feels like a mini-vacation. The stress level goes down by 90% compared to a normal morning.

[Greenmeadow]

I know exactly how you feel. I find the hardest thing in coping with the BPD is just allowing and finding the time to allow yourself to be yourself. To not always be having to think about what you say, what you do and are you caring enough about them.

I know all the lierature I read says the best way you can help the person you care for is to care for yourself first. But I always find this so much easier said than done.

I then also go to the other extreme and if I don't hear from him, my worry goes into over drive and I'm texting constantly... .

[CPWUSAF33]

Wow!  I completely understand... . Enjoy your downtime Josh.  May I live vicariously through you?

[joshbjoshb]

Okay guys, take that excitement back - she is is coming back today

It's going to be all good.

What was crazy is that during her time off she almost never called or spoken to me. She called me maybe once a day, and didn't talk to the kids almost all the time which is so strange to me. When I go for few days, I miss them badly.

When she is home, she is sometimes calling me like 4-5 times a day, and if I don't pick up she calls again and again... . and then when she goes out, nothing.

[joshbjoshb]

UPDATE: SHE came back.

And indeed. Her trip was bad - anything in her life is bad so I didn't expect this to be anything else - the events were "dumb", and "you don't care about me because you didn't clean the house the way I like it".

I am so tired that I simply didn't reply. No boundaries settings, nothing. Just looked at her with a very tired look.

She is back to a good mood now. I am not. Just tired from all of this negativity. I know she is going to expect to be intimate tonight. How do I even do that? Dunno.

[CPWUSAF33]

UPDATE: SHE came back.

And indeed. Her trip was bad - anything in her life is bad so I didn't expect this to be anything else - the events were "dumb", and "you don't care about me because you didn't clean the house the way I like it".

I am so tired that I simply didn't reply. No boundaries settings, nothing. Just looked at her with a very tired look.

She is back to a good mood now. I am not. Just tired from all of this negativity. I know she is going to expect to be intimate tonight. How do I even do that? Dunno.

Well at least she is in a good mood--just focus on that and things will go well tonight.  You're a good man Josh!  And trust me--I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT!