Cold, unblinking eyes

[Depression = 72% of members]

I realized that my SO had very cold, piercing eyes and when discussing an uncomfortable subject or being confronted with a blatant lie; his eyes did not blink, he just stared straight ahead with no emotion or recognition (like he wasn't even present in his body). Did anyone else experience this or is it just my SO?

[belladella]

I realized that my SO had very cold, piercing eyes and when discussing an uncomfortable subject or being confronted with a blatant lie; his eyes did not blink, he just stared straight ahead with no emotion or recognition (like he wasn't even present in his body). Did anyone else experience this or is it just my SO?

[mywifecrazy]

Yes! When I was confronting my uBPDxw about the mountain of lies and deception I uncovered about her after I caught her in an affair... . Her eyes were PIERCING as she just starred off into the distance. Her expression was like she wasn't even present. I also noticed her eyes were oscillating back and forth rapidly. It was eery! I was wondering if all the lies she had told were playing back in her mind?

I also have photographs of her where here eyes look vacant, almost like there's no expression in them. VERY SAD! As mad as I am for her actions there is also a part of me that feels sorry for her. NOT THAT I WOULD ALLOW HER TO KNOW I FEEL THAT WAY BECAUSE WE ALL KNOW THAT IS WHAT THEY WANT SO THEY CAN USE YOU. I just mean it must be a very sad existence.

[fromheeltoheal]

Yep, and that mode is very telling.  Internally a sufferer is analyzing the facade they've built to look for gaps, there will always be a facade because they consider themselves unlovable, and if they showed you their real selves you would leave.  And the shame of being caught in a lie or whatever is too strong, so they dissociate from their emotions and zone out; that is a time of emergency and panic, hence the intensity to the stare, doing everything possible to keep the lid on what they are really feeling.  Yes, it ends up looking creepy.

I wanted to scream at times like that.  She was emotionally unavailable most of the time anyway, but she would really leave at times like that, and it would be so incredibly easy, from my point of view, to just get off it, open up, share what's going on, let me in to her emotional world, and let's figure it out and fix it together.  But no.  She couldn't and wouldn't meet me at that level.  Time for an upgrade.

[DownandOut]

Absolutely! Mine would just stare at me and then look down at the floor with absolutely no response. I would spill my guts over and over and over and over again trying to break through that wall of silence. I needed answers! She would just stare. When I pressed her for an actual response I would get "I don't know." And that stare.

[Learning_curve74]

Like heal said, I've seen "the look" during my pwBPD's times of dissociation. When things got too uncomfortable emotionally for her, she would dissociate. There are other times it happened too.

[strikeforce]

Mine had the glazed look when she was triggered. Sometime when trying to have a conversation she just gazed at me, not taking anything in.

[santa]

I've seen this look. Very scary. It's like she's a different person. Saying "person" is being generous too. It basically looked like a demon staring at me. Not cool at all.

[strikeforce]

I've seen this look. Very scary. It's like she's a different person. Saying "person" is being generous too. It basically looked like a demon staring at me. Not cool at all.

Yep very scary

[TheRoadtoNowhere]

  I remember times, when she would look straight thru me as if I wasnt even there, no expression at all.  There I'd be trying to talk to her, tell her how much I loved her and needed her, she just looked at me and said, "im leaving and theres nothing you can do or say to change that", so fricken cold... .

 Then there were a few times, we had gotten into an argument and after a few minutes, she would go completely inside her self, almost like a trance kind of,  it was as if she could her me but couldnt talk to me, Id be there trying to communicate with her but nothing, just lay there and stare at me.  She'd be that way for about an hour and then she would "snap out of it" and sexually "attack me" and shed want none stop sex for hours and would do things she wouldnt normally do, it was like she was possessed, VERY WEIRD!

[Moonie75]

You know, drama schools teach that when a scene requires an actor to look menacing, psycopathic, or possessed... . You DO NOT blink! Not even once!

Drama students even practise it!

The eyelids will make or break the mood of the scene!

[strikeforce]

Michael Caine - Blinking

www.youtube.com/watch?v=ddUbsWnEVXM

[Madison66]

My uBPD/NPD ex gf would get scary, glazed over hollow looking eyes when she'd become emotionally dysregulated.  I knew from experience that this look would lead to rage or her sobbing in a fetal position.  Once she got the point of the glazed over hollow eyes, there was no way to de-escalate.  I even tried to point this out in couples T, but she lied her way out of it and the T actually directed the problem at me not being able to handle my ex's emotional swings.  Crazy!

[GreenMango]

There has been some interesting studies on blinking recently.  One study focused on lying and how individuals who lie blink less during the lie then rapid blink after.  Another study focused on children and how when emotionally engaged and trying to understand non verbal communication they tend to blink less as to not miss seeing the finer nuances to communication and body language which is becoming an area of study for clinicians working with autism to gauge and teach emotional investment in children with autism.

There's also the tendency, in heightened emotional states, for the pupils to dilate.  This is fairly universal in people and may explain that vacant look.  I've read people explaining this look as intensity and erotic, as in when some wants you bad.  So it could either way.

The deadpan look could be several things.  It might not necessarily much to do with BPD as much as it has to with the individual.  What the person was doing... . lying or trying to read the more difficult body language in an emotionally invested conversation. 

Sometimes we can look for every little thing pointing to BPD.  Some of this stuff can be just normal human behavior.

[Klrskies]

My ex would go into the fetal position, sobbing, not talking, for hours. If she did say anything she would look at the floor and mutter it so I could barely hear her. She would not tell me why she was sobbing usually. If I pressed her on it she would only get defensive or say something offensive or hurtful to punish me.

[belladella]

I am so relieved that I am not the only one who noticed this! I thought he was possessed! Thank you all for your input - it is very creepy and the old saying "the eyes are the window to the soul" is quite appropriate.

[Tausk]

The stare is a common feature of people with BPD.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=50279.0

I believe that 2010 described the stare often showing up as a stage when the pwBPD is overwhelmed by the inability to understand what is happening.  Remember, pwBPD are limited in many cognitive capacities. Some parts of human interaction such as empathy, are simply beyond them, especially at times of emotional disregulation where almost all coping abilities are lost other than survival. My ex was a terrified three year old in the prison of a living nightmare.  Empathy, compassion, support were never developed in her. 

I remember during one argument when I was sick with a cold, I said that I wish that I had a partner who might want to take care of me when I was ill rather then feel insecure and need to get into an argument with me.  She just sat there and looked at me, with what is sometimes described as a "reptilian stare."  At the time time I thought she was being defiant in a manner stating... . "I will not take care of you no matter if you argue or even if I should do it." 

What I understand now is that the stare was due to the fact that she didn't have it within her capacity to want to take care of me when I was sick.  All she could do was feel insecure and need reassurance.  It wasn't that she wouldn't take care of me at that moment, she couldn't.  It's the same as asking a scared two year old to think about you, instead of herself when she is in a moment of terror.  NOT possible.

I now know that it was the same thought process, often exposed in THE STARE that kept her from supporting me when other family members were ill and needed my support,  or when i was emotionally stressed and wanted her to sacrifice and support me.  But i was never a victim and it was never her fault.  It would be like asking an autistic child to support me during times of emotional crisis or stress.

in my arrogance,  although i didn't really understand what was happening, I thought i did and didn't look for other answers that might have made things better.

So in the end it was me who didn't support her during these times, because it was me asking more from her than she could provide and then becoming upset when she didn't provide the requested support.

And in the end, I hurt her more by asking more than she could give and making her feel shame and confusion when she couldn't provide.