I caved on NC. Sent her an email at 4am.

[Jayhawk21]

I sent her an email at 4am. I see to wake up now then. She wakes up then and I know she's up.

It was all just stuff that were reminders of her over the past few days. Things that we'd find funny together. A pic My cat drinking out my glass. Something her cars do. And that I missed my best friend. I am an amateur photographer and while I was downloading new pics I came across some stunning ones I took of her with the last few months. I have over 1200. And I reminded her how badass we were at it. How weak am I? 

I know I know I suck. Withdraw is bad, especially bc I am pretty sure I am co dependent.

[Changingman]

This is hard Jayhawk,

I have taken all the pictures of her and put them on a hard drive away from me. I was tempted to delete them all but maybe long into the future.

Photos are perfect for the disorder. Photos are lies, they tell so little about the person, just the false front. She looks so normal in her photos. This is not what you experienced, this is one of her lies.

This really is contact.

Never mind

Back to no contact, it's ok, slipping is part of recovery.

Start again

Part of it

[growing_wings]

Jay, be gentle with yourself. Detaching IS a process, not an event, remember. It is different for all of us. Even if you think is a step back, it isnt, as your awareness is different now, you broke NC, but you were aware of it. Dont hammer yourself more, we are hammered enough by our emotions, our longing, our situation. Have compassion for yourself.

we DO miss our "best friend", that is what i miss the MOST, hurts like hell and i want to go and break NC any time. but then i think that best friend wasnt quite real, well she was, but that "friendship" comes with very very very expensive tag, that best friend brings my worst nightmares, the one that wanted to control me, use me, lower my self esteem, isolated me, twisted my views, i thought i was going insane... etc. So... is that a best friend?

We need to love ourselves more, and work in ourselves to understand what a best friend/partner is.

wish you well.

[State85]

Ya don't beat yourself up. i broke NC with mine this past weekend. Actually she texted me first because she says it is hurtful I'm not either calling or texting to see how she is doing... . this lead to a barrage of texts over the whole weekend... . with her wanting to talk to me cause apparantly I am the only one she can talk to. Can't talk to her current bf's I guess. But, like an idiot when I say o.k. I can talk... . now she can't, or won't.

Controlling... . she probably had nothing so important to say at all. And when I'm ready to talk cause I'm concerned, she can't... .

[chuckstrong]

Jayhawk

If it gives you any consolation I did the same thing this past friday after 30 days NC and 88 of

past 89... . only slip up before was an xmas eve text that she immediately responded to... . this time

however no response to my heart wrenching email a few days ago reminding her of our two year anniversary of our greatest weekend ever in Newport RI at an amazing mansion style hotel. I waxed poetic about it and went on and on and on... . not a peep in response... . I feel bad but like someone said its a process... . a long one in my case.

And, all this after we have been broken up (the last time!) almost 17 months ago... . Ive been here at BPD family for well over a year... . So. dont beat yourself up. Just dust yourself off and start again. I do know that for sure that NC is the ONLY choice. Everything else hurts even worse.

Hang in there.

Chuck

[delusionalxox]

Jayhawk I have done this m any times... . bombarded him with emails, some containing photos, pouring out my hurt and how much I missed him. Even when he did reply you could tell he had hardly read them. Eventually he threatened me with an action for 'cyberstalking' (of course he has cyberstalked me for real by remote accessing my emails... . but let's forget that eh  )

I gave him ammunition to call me a 'psycho' as he loved to do. In fact I don't think my reaction was that strange. He had totally devalued me, lied to me for months, played with me, ripped out my heart; expected to be able to both blame me for his affair and take me back. Bizarre and sick. And I felt bizarre and sick too. I still do.

I suppose the strangest thing was that after he had totally discarded and devalued me I still bothered trying to communicate with him. Like a dog pressing the button that will shock it, over and over!

I have not sent him anything since I received a patronising email last week saying that I needed a doctor and he would 'talk to me in a few years as long as I promised not to say and do damaging things'... . !

I have felt the frustration and pain of banging my head against a brick wall repeatedly. Him!

I have managed not to send anything for days now despite wanting to. He is unreachable.

Yours is too, I have read about her behaviour. She is lost to you as is mine. She was never actually yours.

I know it's so hard.  

[Jayhawk21]

I did take them off my phone immediately.

The pics I was looking at were damn breathtaking, it's ashame I cant' share them with anyone. It's almost like I have a problem with admiring them/her too much. The pics were very "us". What I mean by that is she had a submissive side (real or not, it was there)(whereas I am Dominant, always has been that way from the first night) and in the pics, the sun is on her through blinds, on her knees, a tiffany necklace on I bought her for our 3rd anniversary and she looks at peace, and like the earth just stopped, she always made me feel that way, and I see through all that BPD venom to the person she is. It was just me and her in that moment, which is usually how it was when we were out, sometimes I'd find that I unconciously would drowned out everything but her. I always have, and that's why even before she was diagnosed, and I knew she was messed up I chose to stand next to her. I always took on the mentality that everyone needs someone.  I know maybe I am going a bit overboard, but I need to get this stuff out.

Growing,

  That tag was expensive, in reading the description of co-dependence, I really realized how close I am, I valued the relationship more then I did myself (as did she). so we both lost who we are. No time spent apart at ALL. Only when the cycle hit. I miss the person that admires me, real or not, I miss it. She got my jokes, read my mind, finished my sentences all from the first night.

I guess in the end none of that really matters. It's over according to her and that means it's over. And I need it to be over for me.

Right now I feel like the boxer just trying to pull himself up to a standing 8 count. I swear I am trying. My triggers are just vast, especially when I feed into it.

Maybe I'm just blabbering... .

[Changingman]

'Best friend'

Oh how long the insects have dined, and how kind words are used to discribe filthy things

I'll have to think of a new phrase to describe my 40 year relationship with my best friend who has travelled with me through life and we have held each other together with kindness respect love and honour. Through children wives failure and success.

I've just lost my best friend for the last 4 years

She said to a mutual acquaintance

No, they have no friends not even a friend to themselves.

They have a name and they are it to themselves, it is at the heart of this disorder




ENEMY


GET REAL





Love to you, this is no picnic

[Jayhawk21]

SO I actually got a response to my email, here is a few lovely excerpts:

It's not a shame we didn't make it. We weren't meant to. You pushed me to my limit, demanded more, and never gave me anything of you in return.

Congratulations on "finding" yourself in your new life. I'm extremely happy to see that nothing of the bitterness or resentment or anger from this past failure of a relationship has haunted you, like it has me. I guess that type of disassociation comes with the lack of empathy, remorse or a conscience for your vile behavior.



Let's get this straight. I will never believe that we were best friends. Or that you ever loved me. You are a false angel, and the very definition of a demon. You REPEATEDLY manipulated me, you lied, you cheated, you broke my trust time and time again, you stole, you hated, and your anger always got the better of you. I was never valued. I was merely something to play with, and toss aside when you couldn't take anymore of me holding you accountable for your wrongdoings. I have never behaved the way I did with you, prior to you, and I never will again.

Nastiness an hatred beget one another. I couldn't have survived the past three years if I never stood up to you and matched your hatred. You get what you give.

Have a great life, and a nice time finding someone new to manipulate and trash. I'm sure you're having a blast already. Make sure to give them the heart necklace and the other items you STOLE from my house.

All the best,

Beth

Someone hurry and look up Projecting on this site.

[Dog biscuit]

Oh my, this is a good reminder to stay NC!

PROJECTION!ALERT!

My o my... . shakes head in disbelieve.

Dont let it get to you, I know its easier said than done Jayhawk.


Someone hurry and look up Projecting on this site. 

[Pretty Woman]

We've all done it, Jay. It's a process (detachment). It gets easier the more you get emotionally anihilated unfortunately.

Hang in there!

[growing_wings]

Let's get this straight. I will never believe that we were best friends. Or that you ever loved me. You are a false angel, and the very definition of a demon. You REPEATEDLY manipulated me, you lied, you cheated, you broke my trust time and time again, you stole, you hated, and your anger always got the better of you. I was never valued. I was merely something to play with, and toss aside when you couldn't take anymore of me holding you accountable for your wrongdoings. I have never behaved the way I did with you, prior to you, and I never will again.

Nastiness an hatred beget one another. I couldn't have survived the past three years if I never stood up to you and matched your hatred. You get what you give.

Have a great life, and a nice time finding someone new to manipulate and trash. I'm sure you're having a blast already. Make sure to give them the heart necklace and the other items you STOLE from my house.

All the best,

Beth

.

similar to emails from mine. She is projecting on to you big time.

i know it hurts, but this is not worth it. more contact more pain from them. not worth it man

[delusionalxox]

Jayhawk I've had this email!   sorry I know it's no laughing matter but my God, the tone and content are so similar, it could be the same writer. Especially the bit about 'you lied, you cheated, you broke my trust time and again', being accused of 'hatred', being told you have 'forced' them to behave the way they did... .

gah it is such poison...

well rid, we are well rid!

[Pretty Woman]

Her email is complete projection. She treated you badly and she manipulated you. She is the demon.

That is one thing you will eventually come to understand. Probably 85% of what she has said negatively to you has been projection and her shortcomings she is transfering on to you.

It hurts in the beginning. Eventually you see this wasn't you. It's her.

[Dog biscuit]

My ex wrote in an email after the BU, that MY jealous behavoir was so unhealty and sick that he just had to secretly aprroach other women behind my back. In his eyes I am the distorted one with a huge ass jealousy problem. Poor him.

Im still chewing on that one... .

[Pretty Woman]

Changingman,

    Mine dumped me for her ex who she called her "Best Friend". When she came back a month later-to me she kept saying "I lost my best friend". I stupidly thought she meant ME and leaving me. Of course not!

When she dumped me this time it was to see "other people" we were "too different".

I knew there was someone she was interested in banging (to put it bluntly) but it never grew into anything more substantial. While she is dumping me she is telling me, no, no this is good we are going to be best friends. I love you very, very much and will always be there for you.

Really? Yeah I see what she does to best friends. She has lost so much "supply" it's crazy.

[TheRoadtoNowhere]

  WOW Jay,  I guess its just another reminder of their disorder,... . the verbal abuse, the projecting, the venom.  They always try to cut you as deep as they can and they are experts at it.   I guess its the control factor in them... .

What is it about them, (or US), that even after theyve destroyed us and devalued our very existance, we still mourn and hurt and cry over them.  Ive been with wonderful, kind women, who, for one reason or another didnt work out, yet I never lamented over any loss like I do this one... .   I read these posts and I find it amazing that there are so many of us "damaged souls",... . How is it that most of us never even heard of BPD prior to being "eyebrow deep into it",... . Where the hell was Dr. Phil? 

  Dont beat yourself up Jay, even though Ive learned so much through this site and realized so many things that I never did before and understand more than ever just how "fleeting and a fairy-tale" my r/s with my baby was,  I still look at my phone and email everyday to see if she has tried to contact me, but she wont, shes the one that left and initiated NC with me... . But just like you, if baby called me and wanted to meet or talk,  I really dont know how I would react.  Id like to think Im stronger now and wont recycle again, for the 6-7 time, but I dont know... .

  Maybe its a matter of closure, or maybe I just want to talk to her so I can tell her what shes done to me, how shes destroyed my world and everything in it.  Maybe I wanna yell and cuss and scream, I dont know what I want.  I too have many pics of my baby, I do not yet have the strength to delete them, I guess its my way of "holding on", I realize its not healthy to keep these things but I cant help it, my heart wont let me get rid of them.  You had made a comment yest. about not being ready to date,... . I feel you brother,  the mere thought of being with another woman  right now just absolutely turns my stomach.  The other day Im at the store and this really pretty girl at the check-out started flirting with me :'(  I started getting scared and nervous, I didnt even talk back to her.  All I wanted was to get out of there as quickly as I could, I practically ran back to my truck... .

  I just sat there and started to break down, all I could think of was, (I dont want to be hurt again). So for me itll probably be a long, long time before Im ready again, everyone has "the big heartbreak" of their lives, this one is mine!  Hang in there Jay, were all gonna need to rely on each other here before this is all over... .  

  Good luck and God bless... .

[babyducks]

Yikes Jay,  that was a horrible email to read.  more evidence that this r/s is toxic for you.   I am sorry you got that reply.   I know it hurts like a bear.    Hang in there.  You didnt deserve that.

[seeking balance]

Jay,

You are not the first or the last to do this dance, it is a process and most of us only stop touching the stove when we are sufficiently burnt.

I have preached what worked for me - https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a109.htm

print it out, carry it around and read anytime you think you want to contact her.

I found 100% of the time if I really was close to reaching out, it was one of these 10 False Beliefs that were twisting my thinking... . and I was tired of that stove burning me, not sure how much more reserve I really had.

Hang in there and be good to you!

SB

[DiamondSW]

Jay,

Thank you for having the guts/strength and effort to post this horrid email response here.

I keep on thinking of breaking NC and i know i'd get the same projections, blame and nastiness. 

My last day at work today -looked over the horizon at the BT tower in London and thought of my exBPDgf who lives close by... . urgh, just a person of pain.

Look after yourself and don't take the rubbish on board.  It's drivel

[myself]

Jayhawk, that sucks, but isn't unexpected. PwBPD have so much shame and pain. When they get the chance to   they really     Another reminder it's not a healthy r/s for you to be in...

The feelings you had to write to her the way you did are completely understandable, I've been there too. I've also received responses that were almost word for word like the one you got. Projection-filled and painful to read. If there is anything in what she said that has some truth to it, look at it closely and work on yourself. This can be an opportunity for personal growth. Whatever else, disregard.

Focusing on yourself when you're not used to can be difficult at first, but it's vital.

[Madison66]

Jay,

This is rough stuff and I'm sorry you had to receive it.  I'm only 30 days (just passed it) n/c and 45 days bu.  I don't know what I was thinking when I last ran into my uBPD/NPD ex gf at a local coffee shop a few days after Christmas.  The experience set me back and I learned a lesson that any contact will only set me back.  It's very difficult with her living on my block.

Stay strong!  

[Jayhawk21]

... . so I just got this bc I ignored the reply:


Why can't you leave me alone? DO you really think I care about what you're doing with your life now?

[seeking balance]

... . so I just got this bc I ignored the reply:


Why can't you leave me alone? DO you really think I care about what you're doing with your life now?

yeah - the dance continues, she is doing her part - are you going to fall into yours?

Had she asked you not to contact her anymore?

[sirensong65]

Hang in there, Jay.  I have had the urge to reach out to mine like crazy lately.  It's like an addict needing a hit.  I thank you for posting your struggle here as I think you have kept me from making another attempt to touch the stove.

[DivorcedNon]

Jay,

We all have done it! We called and emailed thinking we can change other person's mind. We cannot. That never works. Nobody, BPD or non-BPD likes people who appear desperate. Believe me I was really desperate to get back with my exBPDw. This is why NC is great.

You want that person back: Do NC. You do not want that person back: Do NC. In either case it will bring clarity to you and it will help you make rational, not emotional decisions.

There will be temptation to send another email to her  to explain her latest accusations and projections. It will do nothing but bring more abuse from her. If not now then some time in the future you will reach a breaking point and then you will see clearly that NC is the only option when dealing with toxic people of any kind. Also you will not want that person back in your life.

Good luck!

[ShadowDancer]

During my angrier stage of healing I as a mad man went through ALL my possessions searching for and locating anything that she had touched, owned, or left behind in my realm. I mean virtually anything and everything. If she had bought that can of soup it went into the pile. If she had used that hair brush it went into the pile. She even wrote in soap on my bathroom mirror "I   U", which came down and went into the pile. Every photograph, letter, notepad ect. ect that was burnable went to the burn pile. If it was not combustion able it was deleted or went directly into the weekly trash. On the self appointed night I had a little ceremony and poured gasoline on that pile and gave it the match. I remember watching that beautiful smile crinkle and brown and burst into flame and disappear into the black smoke and ash that embodied the hurt and destruction of our mutual past.

And you know what? It felt good. It was liberating and empowering to take control and to act out my emotions on my terms in my solitude. The act was very personal. It was time to jettison the photographs that perpetuated my false belief in the "if only" magical thinking that had become only childish instruments of self torture and to finally put them where they belonged. No amount of rationalizing can possibly justify this self torture of keeping reminders of what never was and can never be in the forefront of our consciousness.  Jayhawk ... . perhaps it is time to work out your feelings and emotions on YOUR terms and leave her reactions and responses where they belong... . in her own trash pile.

[Jayhawk21]

oh FVck, now Im in the middle of it.

Phone calls and emails back and forth. She's livid w me bc I told the guy she was talking to stay away from her, and why. and of course I get the hangups.

[ShadowDancer]

oh FVck, now Im in the middle of it.

Phone calls and emails back and forth. She's livid w me bc I told the guy she was talking to stay away from her, and why. and of course I get the hangups.

What did you expect? You were far and away out of line talking in that manner to your replacement. You know what happens when you go kicking a hornets nest... . or do ya? I hate to snicker... . but... . you only brought this on yourself. You are your own Caesar and gladiator... . upon your announcement... . "let the games begin".

[babyducks]

Say I cant continue this conversation.

Turn off the phone.

Turn off the computer.

Walk away.