"We"

[arn131arn]

I was reading over the bogus restraining order I received last thursday from my exBPD fiancee.

In all of the venom and false statements she made about me and the things I had been falsely accused of she always started it off with "we"

"We" received a newspaper in the front lawn that had "slut, fake, liar" on... .

"We" called the cops on Arn131arn

"We" blah, blah, blah

I know I could be reading too much into this; but I thought I read that in a BPD RS the two people are molded into one.  Is this just her 9 different "Sybil" personalities coming out?

Who knows, a thought that peaked my interest.

Anyway, I am NOT showing up for the court date.  I am NOT going to fight/contest it, even though none of it is true.  I am looking at it as a good thing, something to further my NC with her... .

Arn

[Perfidy]

Hey arn... . Good way to look at it. Question. Does the order have only her name on it?

[arn131arn]

Hey arn... . Good way to look at it. Question. Does the order have only her name on it?

Her and my son.  Guess who's birthday is Friday?

You betcha... . my baby boy.  Daddy can't see him on his birthday because mommy's a queen

[Perfidy]

Well, part of BPD can be the attachment disorder. Without going into too much detail, the "we" she is using could indicate her attachment. I see that kind of attachment much like a wood tick attachment.

[arn131arn]

Well, part of BPD can be the attachment disorder. Without going into too much detail, the "we" she is using could indicate her attachment. I see that kind of attachment much like a wood tick attachment.

Interesting.  You know my son was her attachment for years.  Looking back on it, Perf, I was really left long ago.  She emeshed him; and I allowed it to happen.

Now?  Now he doens't even exist.  It's all about her new attachment.  I think I am going to start saving for college tuition... .

and therapy

[myself]

The only "we" that matters now is you and your son.

[seeking balance]

Anyway, I am NOT showing up for the court date.  I am NOT going to fight/contest it, even though none of it is true.  I am looking at it as a good thing, something to further my NC with her... .

Arn, are you really sure this is a good idea considering you have a son that you seem to want to have a relationship with?

This may show a judge a pattern  (didn't you mention in another thread you have had multiple RO's from her?)  This may make any future custody agreements much harder for you.

Have you at least spoken with a few attorneys or are you still hoping her Dad gives you an agreement?

[Perfidy]

I concur SB. I would go to that hearing.

[DreamGirl]

I'm with SB.

Anyway, I am NOT showing up for the court date.  I am NOT going to fight/contest it, even though none of it is true.  I am looking at it as a good thing, something to further my NC with her... .

Having a restraining order against you affects you other then just the legal ramifications, arn. Is there a criminal case involved as well?

RO can invalidate your passport, prevent you from carrying a firearm, affect job employment, etc. It also affects the custody of your son.

If it's not valid, I would contest it. Perhaps plea to a "no contact" order?

[arn131arn]

I retained an A yesterday.

I have have seen my son a handful of times since September.  

I am going for joint custody. But I am no longer fighting.  I hired someone to do that for me.  

I don't see him now.  Having a restraining order on me is really no big deal and can be ironed out in the courts when they decide custodial rights for us.  I have been NC with her for 6 weeks, and rarely see my son... . what difference does it make if I have a piece of paper that states the reality of the current situation?

I just don't really care anymore and I refuse to fight with her/ get involved/ feed her attention seeking behavior/give her more to triangulate with/ etc... .

RNM, I am at a point where I can be right or I can be happy.  I want to be happy.  For once, in 14 years, I want to be happy.  That's more important than being right and proving this is false.  

The only way to stop the BPD dance is to sit one out right?

[myself]

It's not about not feeding her attention as much as it is standing up for yourself and your son.

You don't need a R.O. to help further your NC, just stay NC.

It's a false sense of control she's looking for, while you can find a real one.

What does your lawyer say is the best way to handle it?

[DreamGirl]

What is the attorney advising you? Is he attending the hearing for you?

The only way to stop the BPD dance is to sit one out right?

I agree with this.

You should probably pick your battles in a grounded and wise manner though.

Spend attorney's fees fighting over an $800 refrigerator? Sit it out.

Responding to emails that are accusatory and not valid to your coparenting relationship? Sit it out.

Withholding visitation with your son? Don't sit it out.

Defending a restraining order that isn't warranted? Don't sit it out.

This is still your life and it is a big deal - especially if there is a criminal case involved. It will also help her custody case if you just ignore a hearing.  

[myself]

It will also help her custody case if you just ignore a hearing.

I went to court today for a different kind of situation, because if I had not shown up the other person would have automatically won. This way I at least had a chance. The r/s with your son is worth you putting every effort into it that you can. He'll appreciate that very much. So will you.

[arn131arn]

What is the attorney advising you? Is he attending the hearing for you?

The only way to stop the BPD dance is to sit one out right?

I agree with this.

You should probably pick your battles in a grounded and wise manner though.

Spend attorney's fees fighting over an $800 refrigerator? Sit it out.

Responding to emails that are accusatory and not valid to your coparenting relationship? Sit it out.

Withholding visitation with your son? Don't sit it out.

Defending a restraining order that isn't warranted? Don't sit it out.

This is still your life and it is a big deal - especially if there is a criminal case involved. It will also help her custody case if you just ignore a hearing.  

Thanks, DG.

I agree with you.  It is NOT a criminal case. It is civil.  She has no attorney representing her.  My attorney is going and is going to rip her a new a$$.  She has NO proof, she cannot possibly have it because I KNOW I DIDN'T DO IT... . but you are right.

I need topick and choose my battles... .

[seeking balance]

I am going for joint custody. But I am no longer fighting.  I hired someone to do that for me.  

Arn, I cannot imagine an attorney telling you to no show - what is the attorney saying exactly? 

[arn131arn]

I am going for joint custody. But I am no longer fighting.  I hired someone to do that for me.  

Arn, I cannot imagine an attorney telling you to no show - what is the attorney saying exactly? 

He said he was going to defend it.  It is all bogus, so I don't even know if I have to be present. She can't prove a damn thing bc I DID NOT DO ANY OF IT!

Right now I guess I'm just really frustrated.  I have been replaed, okay whatever.  She is happy; but it seems like she will continue to make me unhappy for the rest of my life.

So, I can choose not to fight anymore and get on with my life and be reasonably happy, or continue to fight with her and be miserable... . just confused/frustrated today.

I don't understand why she can go off with my replacement and be happy, yet, she has nothing but hate, anger, and vindictiveness for me.

I don't know how you can start a new RS with that uch hate in your heart.  Doesn't seem like there is enough room in there to have any love/joy.

[Perfidy]

Yup... She's dragging him right into her crap.

[seeking balance]

He said he was going to defend it.  It is all bogus, so I don't even know if I have to be present. She can't prove a damn thing bc I DID NOT DO ANY OF IT!

excellent - thank you for clarifying, it was a bit confusing for a minute.  Glad you have an attorney to handle this for you!

Right now I guess I'm just really frustrated.  I have been replaed, okay whatever.  She is happy; but it seems like she will continue to make me unhappy for the rest of my life.


I don't know how you can start a new RS with that uch hate in your heart.  Doesn't seem like there is enough room in there to have any love/joy.

I know this part is super hard and I can remember feeling the same way... . how the heck are you moving on and we have all this unfinished business and what the heck about the new person... . the entire thing had me bouncing from anger, to hurt, to feeling like a victim and brief moments of calm.

Once the legal stuff is situated, you really will have a foundation to begin rebuilding from... . life does get better.

Hang in there!

SB

[DreamGirl]

A common practice that I've seen helps members who have decided to end the relationship is to shift from the emotional relationship into a business type relationship, and where your son is the primary focus.

Compartmentalize your life and don't let each compartment run into the next. (A pwBPD really struggles in this skill)

1.) First compartment: Co-parenting only. All interaction with her is focused on this.

2.) Second compartment: Processing through the relationship loss. Doesn't need to involve her.

3.) Third compartment: Your relationship with your son. Doing what's best for him involves mom on a limited basis.  

Your son needs his dad. You need him. Don't let it get all muddled up just because that's what she's trying to do.

~DG

[RecycledNoMore]

Fkn btch, sorry Arn.

[Moonie75]

Arn. Your PM box is full! Tried replying but won't send till there's space for you to receive it.

Moonie

[ForeverDad]

You need a Strategy.  Not just to fight this bogus restraining order.  No, far more than that.  This is about your child.  This is about the next 10 years of you parenting your child.  If you sit back and decide to be involved in his life after he's grown and she can't legally obstruct you, by then you will probably have lost him.

What is the attorney advising you? Is he attending the hearing for you?

The only way to stop the BPD dance is to sit one out right?

You should probably pick your battles in a grounded and wise manner though.

Withholding visitation with your son? Don't sit it out.

Defending a restraining order that isn't warranted? Don't sit it out.

This is still your life and it is a big deal. It will also help her custody case if you just ignore a hearing. 

I totally agree, it is crucial to stand up for yourself as a father.  But you have to do it in all the right ways.  In this instance you probably should appear or at least be available to appear on a moment's notice.  A lawyer stating you were out of town may not have the weight of you stating so.  And as I mentioned in another thread, this is not just a single incident.  This is the third time.  Judge ought to be informed that this is a pattern of parenting obstruction.  You agree that the relationship is Over.  If she wants a new relationship or a dozen new relationships, fine with you, she's an adult and it's her life.  BUT you are a father and she shouldn't be obstructing that without really solid basis (which she has been trying to manufacture out of thin air, by the way).

I do worry that if you aren't there that the case might be more likely to be continued to another date.  And if it is continued then would your son be removed from the temporary order?  That's more likely to happen if you're there.  Of course, don't even speak to your ex unless the court allows and expects you to speak with her.  Stay quiet with her but speak up and speak out to the court... . about her pattern of making false allegations or distorting and rewriting history... . about her pattern of obstructing your parenting... . etc.

As DreamGirl emphasized, you can sit out all the chaos with her on the minor things dealing with possessions, etc.  But don't sit out the parenting of your son, you have 10 years to go.  Eight years have past, what's done is done but try to make the next 10 years very helpful and supportive for each other - father and son.  If she's obstructing reasonable parental contact, the only option is to proceed to family court and get hopefully reasonable people - investigators, evaluators, judges - to set and enforce reasonable contact.  Two hours a week with no overnights is NOT reasonable.  But the courts will not get involved and make an order with a parenting schedule until it is brought to their attention.  Meanwhile, until you get a reasonable parenting schedule from the only real authority, family court, (1) defend yourself legally in proactive ways, (2) show yourself to be a normal person.

Meanwhile... . Don't tell anyone how you hate her.  Okay to say you hate what she's done, but be very careful not to say you hate her in any way that can be documented, otherwise she will use that to support her claims that you are behaving badly.  You want to appear as the model parent while still standing up for yourself without being seen as an aggressive, angry or badly behaving person.