Special occassions

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I read in another post about pwBPD triggering around special occassions or special holidays.

That was something I did see with my exBPDgf. She had an outburst a couple of days prior to my birthday. We made up a couple of days later and although it was her request that we don't buy each other anything, she still got me a small gift from the local petrol station.

I took her away for the weekend for my birthday and although we had a wonderful time, she had an outburst after we got back, it took a couple of days for her to come around.

Although she has 3 children, she hated christmas and said it was because it has been ruined for her all her life. No decorations up in the house, arguments, fighting etc... I promised her that this past christmas would be very different for her and went out of my way to make it a good one. There was still an argument between her and her son which she ended up running up to her bed and crying but on the whole she said it was the best christmas she has ever had. It took a lot of hard work and effort because it was like she was determined to sabotage it, including me buying all the gifts for the kids because she quite her job at the start of December and then quite her new one a couple of days before christmas. The gifts I bought her, she said made her feel guilty because of the thought I put in to them.

Buying her flowers seemed to trigger her, as did writing poetry for her. Next month is Valentines day and although I now miss out on that one, I know that was another day she hated because ALL of her previous exes never did anything for her then, just like she said about Christmas. The following week it is her birthday and I know she is hating that approaching too.

My birthday fell when things were still perfect but it still pushed her over the edge. I'm wondering if replacement is in for a short sharp shock sooner than he thinks.

What memories do others have around special occasions and holidays?

[Murbay]

I read in another post about pwBPD triggering around special occassions or special holidays.

That was something I did see with my exBPDgf. She had an outburst a couple of days prior to my birthday. We made up a couple of days later and although it was her request that we don't buy each other anything, she still got me a small gift from the local petrol station.

I took her away for the weekend for my birthday and although we had a wonderful time, she had an outburst after we got back, it took a couple of days for her to come around.

Although she has 3 children, she hated christmas and said it was because it has been ruined for her all her life. No decorations up in the house, arguments, fighting etc... I promised her that this past christmas would be very different for her and went out of my way to make it a good one. There was still an argument between her and her son which she ended up running up to her bed and crying but on the whole she said it was the best christmas she has ever had. It took a lot of hard work and effort because it was like she was determined to sabotage it, including me buying all the gifts for the kids because she quite her job at the start of December and then quite her new one a couple of days before christmas. The gifts I bought her, she said made her feel guilty because of the thought I put in to them.

Buying her flowers seemed to trigger her, as did writing poetry for her. Next month is Valentines day and although I now miss out on that one, I know that was another day she hated because ALL of her previous exes never did anything for her then, just like she said about Christmas. The following week it is her birthday and I know she is hating that approaching too.

My birthday fell when things were still perfect but it still pushed her over the edge. I'm wondering if replacement is in for a short sharp shock sooner than he thinks.

What memories do others have around special occasions and holidays?

[Mazda]

I think I had mentioned this initially.

Birthdays were not as big of a deal as the gifts were... . if I wanted to exchange it or asked on v day if he got me one (after I have him one) I was called demanding and high maintenance, among many other bad things. 

Many people know about my v day from hell with voldemort. 

Christmas was not even celebrated when I visited him, even though for me it was a big deal.  I spent New Years crying as he had gotten drunk (again - despite promising not to), didn't even realise that midnight had gone, told a waitress how beautiful she was when I was standing NEXT to him (actually he was holding on to me as he was stumbling out of the bar) and then rolled a joint while I sat in his friend's room crying.  Overall, I would say he wasn't so good with occasions

Due to his narc traits I strongly believe it's because he just doesn't understand the concept of selflessly doing things for others.  He even said to me multiple times - I never usually do things like this. Good luck with that attitude, dickwad.

[strikeforce]

My BPD ex dumped me just before my birthday last June, then came running back about a week after it.

We got back together then she started triggering again in the run up to her birthday in September.

Didn't want to spend valentines day with me, she went off on holiday.

Christmas 2012 was just full of stress.

[Moonie75]

Yup, we'd fight just before my birthday, her birthday, valentines, Xmas!

Then she'd come round days afterwards apologising for ruining it & promising not to do it next year... . Next year would always be a repeat! 

It was crap trying celebrate anything with a pwBPD!

[Murbay]

I think you hit the nail on the head mazda, it felt like if you gave them a gift they reacted badly as though you put thought into what you did but they went through the motions. I wonder if it's a shame thing from both ends, not feeling worthy to receive but not understanding the concept of being selfless.

My exBPDw would get angry if you got her a thoughtful gift because she hated to be outdone. Holidays, it was more the NPD showing through as holidays were overkill but it was more for show and to receive praise. For her it was all about control.

The strangest Christmas was a couple of years ago. She told me what she wanted and it wasn't cheap. I bought it for her as a gift from the kids and then got her something to compliment the first gift from me. She was angry at the fact I hadn't spent as much on my gift to her as she had to me, despite the fact I paid for the gift from the kids so essentially spent double. I got a major dose of rage for that one. As strange as it sounds, I honestly don't think that she associated that both gifts technically came from me. She was always about the money.

My exBPDw sent an email on 22nd December, I thought it might have been something about the kids. I have been NC for 12 months now so not sure why she thought I would respond. Basically, she tried to set out to ruin Christmas on this side. Her e-mail consisted of telling me how much she had spent on her kids and demanding I send her half the money immediately.

Illuminati, that seems to be a very common pattern and not a very pleasant one.

Moonie, my exBPDgf left a bottle of champagne at mine from Christmas, when I'm in a better place I might crack it open and celebrate another bullet dodged  Right now, I'm still missing her.

[santa]

My ex and her crazy mother share the same birthday. It's a real hot button issue. I'm confident they are both BPDs.

My ex always got really "stressed" any time anything important was happening. Holidays were no exception. It wasn't just holidays though. Anything that was a significant change made her freak out.

[LifeIsBeautiful]

Definitely on anniversaries and festive holidays. Even normal events, appointments, meetings, gatherings etc. would be cause of concern. They should call it walking on landmines instead... .

[Lizzie3]

My ex dumped me twice on my birthday!  Once by email.  He also forgot my birthday about 3 times.  He also missed three birthdays as he was on a music tour in the Far East with people who were almost total strangers.  I remember feeling particularly upset he missed my 30th birthday.  He didn't want to celebrate Christmas either and used that excuse as to why he couldn't tell my until 10pm on Christmas Eve if he was coming to my parents' house for Christmas Day.

One of the most humiliating days of my life was when he told my family he would come for a big Easter Sunday lunch.  We set him a place, my Mum had even knitted him a gift with a chocolate Easter Egg in (!) and he 'overslept' despite me ringing him twice to get him out of bed (something he ALWAYS asked me to do). I was so humiliated and disappointed I told him not to bother coming (he suggested he could get there for 4pm).

I said to myself I was going to give it six months and if nothing improved I would end it by Christmas... . which I did.  Obviously, reading this I should've ended it WAY BEFORE... . !

I just thought he was rubbish at celebrating things... . he wanted to be alone on Christmas Day he said but now I've recently found this board it's all making so much sense to me... .

[Lizzie3]

Sorry, me again.  I forgot.  He also missed my Granny's 90th birthday party as he didn't want to drive there.

His classic line was 'will you be upset if I didn't come?' And 'do you NEED me to be there?'

Obviously if I did I'd feel like a needy, clingy girlfriend.

Absolutely horrendous... .

[growing_wings]

hi Murbay, agree with you and all so far. Especial ocassions that were not related to her were full of drama.

As i start to understand my own behaviours and hers more deeply after NC, meditation and all, i think special ocassions were seen as ideal opportunities to create drama, the drama they so much crave and "love". they know it will hurt us, so they go ahead and ruin it for both of us. As usual with BPD, after they have caused pain they fear we will leave them, so she came back apologising for her behaviours and saying anything she needed to say so i would feel good. i fell on that trap many times.

worth mentioning,  on her especial celebrations, there was no drama. I had to listen to her bday celebrations plans everyday for at least 1 month prior to her day for example. but, oh if i dare to mention any plans on my bday, she would devaluate them and make me feel bad (insult my friends, etc.)

[Lizzie3]

How about when we broke up with our partners? 

Two months after we broke up I got the most beautiful bouquet of red roses for Valentine's day and three phone calls this Christmas day (from China-he was on holiday).

[Lizzie3]

hi Murbay, agree with you and all so far. Especial ocassions that were not related to her were full of drama.

As i start to understand my own behaviours and hers more deeply after NC, meditation and all, i think special ocassions were seen as ideal opportunities to create drama, the drama they so much crave and "love". they know it will hurt us, so they go ahead and ruin it for both of us. As usual with BPD, after they have caused pain they fear we will leave them, so she came back apologising for her behaviours and saying anything she needed to say so i would feel good. i fell on that trap many times.

worth mentioning,  on her especial celebrations, there was no drama. I had to listen to her bday celebrations plans everyday for at least 1 month prior to her day for example. but, oh if i dare to mention any plans on my bday, she would devaluate them and make me feel bad (insult my friends, etc.)

I'm sorry, I'm new to this, but did they do this DELIBERATELY or can they just not help it?

[Murbay]

As far as I can gather Lizzie, it causes them guilt and shame which they then have to project onto someone else so they don't have to deal with it.

[growing_wings]

hi Murbay, agree with you and all so far. Especial ocassions that were not related to her were full of drama.

As i start to understand my own behaviours and hers more deeply after NC, meditation and all, i think special ocassions were seen as ideal opportunities to create drama, the drama they so much crave and "love". they know it will hurt us, so they go ahead and ruin it for both of us. As usual with BPD, after they have caused pain they fear we will leave them, so she came back apologising for her behaviours and saying anything she needed to say so i would feel good. i fell on that trap many times.

worth mentioning,  on her especial celebrations, there was no drama. I had to listen to her bday celebrations plans everyday for at least 1 month prior to her day for example. but, oh if i dare to mention any plans on my bday, she would devaluate them and make me feel bad (insult my friends, etc.)

I'm sorry, I'm new to this, but did they do this DELIBERATELY or can they just not help it?

HI Lizzie, i dont want to think they do things deliberately (not sure, everyone is different). what i meant on above, is my ex BPD thrived on drama, she was addicted to drama (and up to a point i seemed to be also addicetd to this drama, that is why i stayed and endure when i should have run like hell), so, she picked fights with me, seeked to triangulate me with others, make me jealous, and seeked to ruin happy days... .  to get this drama. she couldnt be just happy and well, that is why almost everything around her world was a problem (her boss, her colleagues, her friends, her partner(s) )...

so i think they cant help it, UNLESS they get strong therapy and are willing to break the cycle of addition to drama.

I am working in breaking my own addition to this drama due to childhood upbringing and events, and is HARD work, you have to be commited. so they cant help it, unless they are ready to put hard work in it

[Tincup]

My ex would have major issue around Oct of every year.  Not sure what that meant as there was no holiday that triggered it, and no special occasion that I know of.  Not sure what it was with the fall of the year, but it happened every year we were together.  I think there was only one year when we didn't actually break up in the fall and that year was really close to a breakup. 

[Popcorn71]

Every christmas, my ex caused a row.  Traditionally, all my family go to my parents' house on Christmas night.  Every year, somebody would have to call my ex and practically beg him to come because he would be at home sulking after the row he had caused earlier on Christmas day.  The trouble could be over anything from cooking dinner, to the kids coming in to our room too early ... . anything really.  I recently looked at some photos and in all the Christmas ones, my ex looks really miserable.  I don't know if it was attention seeking because most of the attention was on the kids on Christmas day.  Also, apart from the first xmas we were together, (when he got his daughter to go shopping) he never bought me a present.  He would just say he would buy me something when we were out, which was not a gift really because he was actually fairly generous usually and would buy me things anyway.

Strangely, after we broke up, some friends who knew his first wife, told me that she had told them he ruined every xmas (23 years) that he was with her!

For other occasions, such as anniversaries, birthdays etc. he never bothered to make an effort - maybe a bunch of flowers, which again was not a treat as for the first few years we were together, he used to buy them often anyway.  The only time he did make an effort was on my 40th birthday.  I had been away for a few days and on my return, I found a houseful of guests for a surprise party.  BUT most of the people were his friends!  I think he just wanted to show off what a nice guy he was, it wasn't really to make me happy because I had always told him that I would never want a surprise party.

I think that some of this behaviour was a passive aggressive way of 'getting' at me and upsetting me.

[chuckstrong]

for my BPDxgf... .

it was vacations/long weekends... . after every one as close as we got on each she would ALWAYS pull

away right after... . it got to be a running joke with my friends and family... . best time EVER while away then instantaneous retrenchent on the way back and after... . SO brutal and frustrating... . yet another RED flag i chose to ignore... . ugh!

[ShakinMyHead]

Hi Murbay, very timely thread for me. I'm almost 4 weeks NC, and tomorrow is my birthday. We've never been longer then 1-2 weeks NC. His gas lighting recycling attempts started almost immediately, and have been peppered over the last 2 weeks to get me to come to him, but he's not made any honest direct communication, related to taking responsibility, no apologies for his dishonesty. For instance, the final interaction almost 4 weeks ago, I'd found out that he'd been with an ex GF on a wknd in November when I was visiting my sick mother. She had written him an email that I found (Yes, I know, my bad) telling him that she was "not able to get into a serious relationship right now. She hopes he's not too disappointed, but she's available to him once in a while if he wants, even though she knows he wants more, she's very sorry to disappoint him and perhaps sometime in the future." I'd been recycled a few times by then, we'd stay apart for a wknd or a week at most and we'd cave and be back together. We are together over a year now, and there'd been quite a bit of intimidating me in a passive aggressive way, that he'd never admit to, by keeping his exes around and his flirtatious way. I even spoke to him about it quite a few times, how it didn't feel good... . and it was always chalked up to my insecurity and my trying to squelch his innocent, friendly, jovial, nature. There was never anything going on, until there was back in July when he admits to seeking out a woman online, "but because I drove him to it. He's never ever been unfaithful to any other woman but me." It was back in July where our rlshp changed he says, and I actually felt it go from idealization to devaluation. He was staying with me in my home at least, 5 nights out of 7, from Jan - July, and never offered to help with a bill or contribute at all. He said he paid for dinners now and then, as did I, and my rent didn't change because of him, it would've been the same whether he was in my life or not? I'd been married for 17 years to my husband who was a mench, and most men that I've dated or even are friends with and know, would have more pride and want to participate if they were taking so much. He was declaring his love morning, noon and night, talking about our future, but, couldn't make even a symbolic gesture toward my household expenses... , but felt very comfortable staying with me, eating my food, using my shampoo, wiping his ass with my t-paper etc, etc…Anyway, you get the picture…since then, I realized that who he was, and who I wanted him to be were two very different realities. I knew I had to get the hook out of my mouth before I lost another 2 years in this love and sex addiction. But the more he distanced from me, the more I wanted to educate him on his BPD, and how he could fix it if he wanted to? He went from idealizing me verbally, and being with me constantly, which I was deceived into thinking he was investing, combined with my malignant hope and optimism. But as I look back now, he was just happy and content riding the gravy train until I started expressing any needs of my own. That's when it all started to change. I digress…so, he's called a few times from blocked number and I haven't picked up. He sent a text a few night's ago saying. "He hopes I'm feeling better." I've received 2 messages from him on my hidden profile on the original dating site where we originally met, being provocative, and he's got dating profile up on 3 sites that I can count. He's blocked me on FB, which he knows upsets me…but this time, I've reacted and answered nothing. Not a word, not a pin drop, nothing. And, I'm just scared to hear from him tomorrow on my birthday, and frightened that I will hear nothing. Thank you, for this thread and the board and listening... SMH

[CoasterRider]

I threw my ex a huge surprise party for his birthday, rented out his favorite bar. Invited all his friends and family and are damn sure he had no clue about it. He showed up went straight to his friends and pretty much ignored me the entire night. The same week after he disappeared every night and was out with friends till late. Began pulling away and that's when the argument started. The trust issues became more rampant and he was actively looking for a reason to not trust me anymore and leave. He finally found what he thought he was looking for in my phone said I cheated on his and bailed. Came back a few weeks later making all sorts of promises then left again once we started counseling and I began standing up for my boundaries. Found another chump a couple days later... . True love ? Bite me

[Murbay]

SMH,

Let me start by wishing you a happy birthday for tomorrow and hope that the gift you receive is one of peace and happiness.

Thank you very much for sharing your story and I'm so sorry to hear about the difficulties you have been experiencing over the past 4 weeks. You have done really well not giving up on your NC and I wish you every success with your continued healing.

It must be hard for you to be between scared and frightened whether or not he contacts you tomorrow. Out of the two options, what would be harder for you to deal with? Do you have friends and family you can spend the day with where you can take your mind off him, even if only for a short time?

It can be very difficult trying to navigate around the mindset of a pwBPD and the constant walking on eggshells, especially when your boundaries are being tested or ignored. Although my exgf knew she had BPD, I don't think she ever fully grasped what it truly meant. To her, the diagnosis and medication were enough but she never invested the time to research her condition. So many times I wanted to tell her I understood or point her in the right direction but that wasn't my choice to make and like my T once said about exBPDw, they have to figure it out for themselves and when they can't cope any more, that is when they will seek the help they need.

Expressing needs of your own can be a double edged sword. I was there 24/7 for all of exgf's needs. Even things I didn't agree with or against my values, like when she decided to turn her garage into a drug factory and got caught out. I even helped clear it out although she knew my stance on drugs. It wasn't so much for her but the fact she was in jeopardy of losing her house, going to prison and losing her youngest daughter. Against my better judgement, I did it for the kids so that they didn't lose out. That didn't go down too well and the following day was the last time I saw her.

I have paid for holidays, paid for groceries, outings, bills on her house as well as my own even though I didn't stay there too often, looked after the house while she was away, given her money for nights out with her friends, paid towards courses to get her back into work and never asked for anything in return. I have taken care of my own needs by myself as well as all of her needs. Her ex was waiting in the wings to take her daughter from her so all I wanted to do was take that pressure off her so she could focus on herself to get herself well again. She didn't even have to do anything for the kids for christmas as I sorted all of that out too. We even had Christmas Day at mine together as a family. I don't begrudge her any of that because I made the choice to help her out, mostly because of the kids. The only time I have called on her for support after I collapsed at work, the response was that she had too much to deal with and just wanted to be on her own. I can't feel cheated by this because I didn't do what I did for anything in return but it does hurt that the only time I need her she run away. Not only that but within a week was in a brand new relationship.

As for the blocking on FB, that seems to be the norm in many cases. I think that gives them an element of control to engage in their time. I have seen her blocked list and it's quite excessive (all men too). It's a little frustrating but if you know what e-mail address they use, you can put a block up on your end too.

I did that with my exBPDw when she blocked me too and she raged a couple of months ago because she decided to unblock me and found I had her blocked. I have been NC with her for a year now but still get emails from her demanding I speak to her.

[feelingcrazy7832]

Every single holiday and birthday was ruined. Every last one.

[Dog biscuit]

Every special occasion was filled with drama. I always wondered about it, I just thought he couldnt take the stress or something. It was strange and unsettling.

On my birthday, on my childs birthday, on e.v.e.r.y. special day there would be drama coming from nowhere.

So sad.

[feelingcrazy7832]

I don't get it. . . why? This is interesting to me that so many other people experienced this.

[Lizzie3]

It's actually one of the things I think about when tempted to get back in touch... .

I had a lovely Christmas with my parents.  No drama.

Although I did receive a phone call from him I was very matter of fact.

[ShakinMyHead]

Thank you Murbay for your response. It helps so much to not feel alone in this black hole…This morning at 9am he sent a text that simply said "Wishing you the happiest of birthdays" ….haven't done anything, just spinning, and knowing there's nothing to say that won't end badly. I feel like saying "Thanks for nothing"….but I won't.  SMH

[Free2Bee]

Me too! Me too! *waves hand*

Mine tried to drama-bomb holidays and any special occasion. This started happening after we'd been dating about a month.

Christmas was really tough. She flew into a Christmas Eve 'rage episode' over gifts (she had a really tough time accepting gifts from me). It was bad enough that I really dreaded New Years Eve, but that wasn't too bad - tiny little rage episode on New Year's Eve and New Year's Day was great (alas, followed by the Biggest Rage Ever the next day and our breakup).

I'm glad this thread started because it's a good reminder about Valentines Day. I was kind of dreading it, thinking I would feel sad, but the truth is, it probably would have been a big Drama Day and a stressful weekend (if past behaviour is any predictor).

[Murbay]

Hi Kai and welcome 

I started the thread for that very reason, the dread of an approaching occassion that we know would most likely have been ruined either through drama or rage. At least then when the day comes, we might feel a small pang of lonely but then we remember that we are in control of ourselves and maybe even wish ourselves a happy valentines day.

It can be very frustrating when days we really look forward to are ruined by the smallest thing. It is unfair for us to carry those feelings of dread into something that should be a fun and happy occasion or celebration.

At least we won't have the drama and rage that normally goes with it. Isn't that the best gift we can give ourselves? 

[ShakinMyHead]

Update: Still NC…. I still maintain Friends FB status w/ exBPDbf's daughter. We have been close. She's been very supportive and we like each other very much. She is away at boarding school. She knows her Dad has a problem, and has been an advocate, like me, of his getting help. Nevertheless, he posted a photo of she and I on her FB page today? I saw it when I saw her say Happy Birthday to me. What is so pathetic, and I understand it's the illness, is the great length these people go to, to circumvent apologizing, or taking any responsibility. It's so hard for them to be wrong about something. Their existence depends on their being right. At least mine. He leaves the hook in the water for me to bite, but won't ask, or need, or risk rejection. Being right, is more of a comfort to his ego, then loosing his partner. It should be called "TAPDANCERS SYNDROME" talking to them about there actions is like holding onto a fist full of water, and that's if you can get them to look you in the eye. Then there are the one's that stare right through you… ouy yoi yoi…. SMH

[ucmeicu2]

i can't remember celebrating even ONE holiday or special occasion together.  every one ruined or postponed by her drama, anger, ill health, some fabricated 'crisis' <eye roll>, or her going underground (isolating), etc.

i don't think there was one season, or even a month on the calendar, that didn';t stir her anxiety or grief or depression in some way and rendered her utterly dysfunctional. 

in retrospect, she seemed to enjoy it, wallow in it ~ create it, even! 

example:  christmas #1, abt 6 wks into the r/s, i couldn't reach her on christmas day/christmas eve/or the next day and i was worried sick out of mind (as well as peeved and hurt)!  then i saw she had posted ON christmas day, where a friend had asked her what she was doing for christmas and she said "nothing, i'm all alone this christmas" even tho i called repeatedly and she wouldn't pick up?

it's funny, i used to think of her as so "unique" ~ everyone does ~ but actually this site has made it clear to me that she's just a little cookie cutter, one of many cookie cutter pwBPD.