How do you really cope?

[Rebuilding me]

Finding out about BPD explains so much, but how do you really cope with it all. Finding out she began seeing others weeks after the bu and reviewing the entire rs from the light of BPD I now feel so cheated! Not just by her but by life circumstances. It is so difficult to get into my brain that the the rs was more like a parasite/host symbiotic rs than real love. I waited my whole life to experience what I thought this was: true love. I felt I finally found that person who was my match in so many ways. And who I would  spend the rest of my life with. Now I'm just discarded trash. Used up and broken. I tried to imagine today sitting down with her years later: her being healthier from therapy, apologizing and thanking me. I in the imagination tried to forgive her and than walked away. I did this as a way to create some type of closure to help me move on. All I could feel in that imaginary conversation was good for you but that doesn't change how you shattered my heart and soul! I know this is an opportunity to work on myself and I'm trying, but how is it ever possible to understand the illusion of going through this experience. No matter how well I get there will always be a chunk of my life that I once thought was the realist thing I ever experienced, but it turns out it was an illusion! Was anything real? My mind seems incapable of processing this dichotomy! It totally shatters my mind and reality! Time and space and just forgetting is not good enough for me!

[Boisnix79]

Just wanted to let you know I'm so with you. Youre so hurt and so am I... . It feels like she simply has blamed me for the rs failing and that in the end, "were just not right for each other"... . when months Ive been trying to get us to therapy... . she always had an excuse or some reason... . In the end Im at a loss for words... . DO I accept that she is sick and not responsible? How can i when Im so broken?

For me, the most difficult thing in the world is that I'm able to rise above it, see the whole picture, be forgiving and loving... . But I still am not getting what I need. It's the craziest experience of my life... . and I hope that it leaves me with more empathy for others and a better way to communicate... . Thats all I got for you right now... . cause other than that. This is crap, total crap.

[Rebuilding me]

I agree I want to come out of this more forgiving and loving, but how do you forgive someone with a mental illness? It's like I can't even forgive her because she doesn't or can't take responsibility for her actions! It's all so unbelievable! I want to walk away from this without having a calluses heart, but right now I can't really see that happening!

[santa]

The only solace I've found is that things will be better for me in the long run.

The girl I was with is a train wreck, so if I'd have stayed with her, my life would have been hell. She was unbearable at times. Obviously she was great a lot, but overall the bad far outweighed the good. She truly belongs in a mental institution and I think she was afraid I was going to put her there.

[fromheeltoheal]

It will get better Rebuilding, it just takes time, processing, and slowly shifting the focus from her to you and your future.

It was real for both of you.  What really helped me was learning the clinical side of the disorder, how a borderline thinks and why, and once you do it starts to make sense. Learning the pathology was profound for me, nothing I'd ever remotely known before; borderlines do not think like us, at all. But put in that framework it will become clear that it was totally real for her, both when she idealized you and when she discarded you, and also abundantly clear that we were completely incompatible.

[Rebuilding me]

Ya I'm pretty convinced she has been so cold to me and non responsive after the breakup comes from my understanding of her core trauma and my attempt to help, but my unwillingness to be her primary childhood caregiver by playing her baby me victim games! I thinks she realizes I figured her out and the games up. It still hurts thinking of the loving caring words I sent her while trying to be understanding of her pain. She just can't face the reality I brought to her, thus me. It's so confusing because we talked so openly about her past trauma at the beginning, but she convinced her family and tried to convince me she is over it! She is very high functioning and a quite pwBPD, thus good at covering up the truth! She obviously is not over it and it is making her physically ill! I feel there will be a point were she ends up giving her self cancer or something from all this suppression, and I'm the only one who really understands the depth of her illness. It is all so tragic, I know I'm not her rescuer, but damn it makes me sad!

[that1guy]

It is sad. It is hard. But it's something you have to accept about her.

My ex is very intelligent, and can keep a good job when she wants to. Like you, she was very upfront about her childhood and how it effected her. And I kept those things in mind when dealing with issues with her. I tried to make her a part of my pretty normal family. And my family tried hard too. The hard part was that no one knew which her would show up. And she saw a normal family dynamic as weird and controlling. And of course, when things went wrong in her perception It was my fault. I was acting like her Dad, or Mom. It's a very confusing thing to go through.

The hard part for me is that I did love and care for her. And I still do. But only to an extent now. She is making bad personal choices, and I now know that there's nothing I can say or do to make her change. That I also can't let her guilt me into feeling something that isn't there anymore. I can't come rushing to her rescue anymore. And hopefully she'll understand that.

[Rebuilding me]

I just don't know what the truth is anymore, and never probably will! I don't even know if she is BPD, it's just makes it all make sense! God I hate this!

[that1guy]

There was some truth in your relationship. There were times that she was actually happy and in love with you. Just as I'm sure was the same with you. She just sees the world, and relationships, differently than you and me.

I'd make a suggestion to see a licensed clinical social worker that has experience working with BPD people and/or SOs of people with BPD. I think it would really help to sit down with someone who understands the dynamics of those relationships. Someone who can walk back through your relationship with you and help you identify the healthy things you were doing, and the unhealthy ones.

I know now that some of the things I was doing, especially toward the end when things were bad, actually made things worse. No one walks out of a relationship completely blameless. Finding out what you did right, and wrong, can only help you as you move forward.

[that1guy]

I don't even know if she is BPD, it's just makes it all make sense!

I would attend some of my ex's therapy sessions with her (at her request). That's how I found out about the diagnosis. But, the way it was explained to me by my ex was very basic. Had I done some research, things might have happened differently. I didn't understand the depth of the diagnosis until recently. I kicked myself some for that. But truthfully, I don't know if that would have made a difference.

Her recent behavior, and recent contact, is what brought me here.

[designgrl]

In the beginning, I was also going back and forth trying to understand what's been going on with my husband.  Trying to figure out what the hell just happened to me these last 3 years.  

Is it... .

a.Alcoholic

b.BPD mental illness

c.Just an Ahole

d.All of the above

I mean those could be any of the reasons that he's been treating me like crap since he put that ring on my finger!  Then I had an "Ah Ha" moment and realized that I'm spending way to much of my time trying to figure out what his problem is and not enough time healing me.  I use to drive myself nuts wondering if he really loved me and if it was all just a lie?  Can anyone who doesn't love themselves and lie to themselves ever really love and be honest with another person? I don't think so.  And if that's what he thinks love is, that's not the kind of love I want.  I can love myself better than he ever loved me!

[santa]

In the beginning, I was also going back and forth trying to understand what's been going on with my husband.  Trying to figure out what the hell just happened to me these last 3 years.  

Is it... .

a.Alcoholic

b.BPD mental illness

c.Just an Ahole

d.All of the above

I mean those could be any of the reasons that he's been treating me like crap since he put that ring on my finger!  Then I had an "Ah Ha" moment and realized that I'm spending way to much of my time trying to figure out what his problem is and not enough time healing me.  I use to drive myself nuts wondering if he really loved me and if it was all just a lie?  Can anyone who doesn't love themselves and lie to themselves ever really love and be honest with another person? I don't think so.  And if that's what he thinks love is, that's not the kind of love I want.  I can love myself better than he ever loved me!

Being alone is better than having to deal with BPD crap all the time.

[Rebuilding me]

I have done a complete self inventory. I am really in touch with myself: feelings, thoughts and past. The 6 page letter I wrote her a little more than a week after the bu discussed my mistakes, how I responded poorly sometimes because of some things I  needed to work on from my past, and also where I felt the relationship took a turn. (Triggering event) I discussed How I understood how we both opened our greatest past wounds, and how I couldn't understand how she could just shut down so much to me! I tild her I felt like she was running from pain in her life. This all before knowing about BPD. It was the most thought I have ever put into a writing! In my head I had no doubt she would respond thoughtfully, as we both are intelligent deep individuals. She never contacted me again but to apologize about the delay in taking me off her phone plan. (Three months.) I was confused in the relationship at times, but it was my most intimate  r/s to date and the only time living with someone. I assumed it was normal and all would be worked out at the proper time. I found out about BPD when trying to understand her cold behavior post bu and everything clicked into place. On Tuesday I let into her a little about her coldness (bu was amicable) saying I want nothing to do with her and to take me off the plan in a text. I got my wish 45 minutes later from our provider. Couldn't understand why she kept me on  or her coldness these last months! I am so messed in the head now!

[Rebuilding me]

In the beginning, I was also going back and forth trying to understand what's been going on with my husband.  Trying to figure out what the hell just happened to me these last 3 years.  

Is it... .

a.Alcoholic

b.BPD mental illness

c.Just an Ahole

d.All of the above

I mean those could be any of the reasons that he's been treating me like crap since he put that ring on my finger!  Then I had an "Ah Ha" moment and realized that I'm spending way to much of my time trying to figure out what his problem is and not enough time healing me.  I use to drive myself nuts wondering if he really loved me and if it was all just a lie?  Can anyone who doesn't love themselves and lie to themselves ever really love and be honest with another person? I don't think so.  And if that's what he thinks love is, that's not the kind of love I want. I can love myself better than he ever loved me!

Being alone is better than having to deal with BPD crap all the time.

It doesn't matter I guess, but just trying to make sense of what happened after I feel my soul was ripped out! I don't know!

[seeking balance]

I just don't know what the truth is anymore, and never probably will! I don't even know if she is BPD, it's just makes it all make sense! God I hate this!

Yeah, I remember feeling my life was totally a lie - anger, frustration... . all of it.

Something that helped me mentally gain perspective was this - you and your pwBPD have very different truths... . yours is REAL for YOU, the problem is BPD truth is real for THEM.  Sometimes you just have to let the sky be pink... . sometimes, in the right sunset it actually is - even though your sky is blue 90% of the time.

The analogy that was given to me - think of watching a car accident (how's that for accurate on the relationship).  You are on one corner and your pwBPD is on the opposite corner.  The sun is in her/his eyes and you have sunglasses - you explain the car accident and your perspective is completely different - is pwBPD any less true for them, no... . is your perspective less true for you ... . no.

None of it is fair - and the only way LOGIC can work is if you accept the core components of BPD as true and real.  For me, I found if I could put the pwBPD behavior into one of the 9 criteria it started to make sense - feel less personal - let me detach, so that I could heal.

I know it is all frustrating right now, hang in there and keep reading the facts of the disorder.

Peace,

SB

[Boisnix79]

She just wont accept any responsibility. In any logic, with any illness, anywhere, ever, HOW could it work?

Is there actually a way?

If they don't accept their illness, can I ever do enough to compensate for that? Learn enough?

If anyone has thoughts on this it would help... .

[fromheeltoheal]

She just wont accept any responsibility. In any logic, with any illness, anywhere, ever, HOW could it work?

Is there actually a way?

If they don't accept their illness, can I ever do enough to compensate for that? Learn enough?

If anyone has thoughts on this it would help... .

Maybe she won't accept responsibility because you will?  She will take as much as you will give, but it will never, ever be enough, and you could literally die trying to create the relationship you want.  Will it ever happen?  Be honest.

[Boisnix79]

Thanks Heel, seriously that was the most concise and hard hitting answer anyone could have given me.

So basically at this point it seems like I need to take a harder stance and say we need to get "US" help . Every time I do this she regresses and says she would but we're not meant to be anyway... . then if Im not talking therapy she can talk marriage and all that... . so its manipulation... . and I wonder if she even knows what shes doing... .

Put my foot down, demand us to get professional help involved, and if she wont then leave the relationship?

It feels mean but logically it is the only way I can see that I can preserve my sanity and have a chance to get her help... .

[fromheeltoheal]

So basically at this point it seems like I need to take a harder stance and say we need to get "US" help . Every time I do this she regresses and says she would but we're not meant to be anyway... . then if Im not talking therapy she can talk marriage and all that... . so its manipulation... . and I wonder if she even knows what shes doing... .

Put my foot down, demand us to get professional help involved, and if she wont then leave the relationship?

It feels mean but logically it is the only way I can see that I can preserve my sanity and have a chance to get her help... .

If she doesn't think you're meant to be, why is she in the relationship?  Doesn't matter, logic doesn't apply.

People in a healthy relationship meet each other as peers, is that the case for you?  When you're being manipulated and trying to preserve your sanity, doesn't sound like it.  You know when you're in an airplane and they say in case of loss in cabin pressure, put your oxygen mask on before you help your kids?  Same applies here.  If you don't save yourself you'll have nothing to give, and if she is anything like mine, she will drag you down with her.

And speaking of responsibility, someone with the disorder is expert at offing everything on you, so you feel responsible for her stuff, and she'll never be 'fixed', so you will always be a failure, handy way to control you.  Time to get clear on what's hers and what's yours and set strong boundaries, and if she can't hold up her end of the deal, maybe it's time to go.

Take care of you!

[Pearl55]

Finding out about BPD explains so much, but how do you really cope with it all. Finding out she began seeing others weeks after the bu and reviewing the entire rs from the light of BPD I now feel so cheated! Not just by her but by life circumstances. It is so difficult to get into my brain that the the rs was more like a parasite/host symbiotic rs than real love. I waited my whole life to experience what I thought this was: true love. I felt I finally found that person who was my match in so many ways. And who I would  spend the rest of my life with. Now I'm just discarded trash. Used up and broken. I tried to imagine today sitting down with her years later: her being healthier from therapy, apologizing and thanking me. I in the imagination tried to forgive her and than walked away. I did this as a way to create some type of closure to help me move on. All I could feel in that imaginary conversation was good for you but that doesn't change how you shattered my heart and soul! I know this is an opportunity to work on myself and I'm trying, but how is it ever possible to understand the illusion of going through this experience. No matter how well I get there will always be a chunk of my life that I once thought was the realist thing I ever experienced, but it turns out it was an illusion! Was anything real? My mind seems incapable of processing this dichotomy! It totally shatters my mind and reality! Time and space and just forgetting is not good enough for me!

My heart goes out for you. I am exactly in the same situation and my anger and depression paralysed my normal life. I can't function well and I can't beleive how I wasted my best 13 years of my life with a man who I trusted my whole life to him. I'm so broken and lost. Normally I consider myself a strong and an intelligent woman but how I trapped with my own illusion and let a sick man to be under my skin. That was so dangerous. I was on the verge of losing everything. How I didn't take his condition seriously.

My psychiatrist told me that you are lucky because not all people get involve with borderlines are intelligent enough or sense of understanding of their conditions and foolishly continuing with their husband or wives and hoping one day they get better. They keep ignoring the facts and sometimes is too late for them to leave because they developed a mental illness themselves.

So please don't be hard on yourself and sometimes is a good idea to have a look at L2 a

Or L5 board and you will recognise how much awareness you have got and these people still lives in their own fantasy world! You will be glad for your intelligence and your awareness.  

[Pearl55]

Bousnix79

Have you ever seen a 3 year old takes any responsibilities? They are only 3 year old in adult bodies.

[Boisnix79]

So Pearl, basically we just accept that they are 3 and stay or go?

Because havent we kind of all proven we cant handle it by being on here writing about how hurt an confused we are?

Its obviously not working for pretty much anyone... .

[Pearl55]

They are responsible for their actions because their intelligence is not affected by the disorder. They are emotionally 3 year old. For me understanding this disorder helped me to move on because this not an mental illness. They are in total control of what they do and often enjoy it. For me staying around was pointless because they are 100% nuts and there is NO way they are able to see their relationships the way we do do what's the point staying around. I realised I was the adult in that relationship so I had to decide.

[fromheeltoheal]

So Pearl, basically we just accept that they are 3 and stay or go?

Because havent we kind of all proven we cant handle it by being on here writing about how hurt an confused we are?

Its obviously not working for pretty much anyone... .

There are folks on the Staying board here who have learned about the disorder and decided to stay with their partner; there are skills that can be learned do deal with someone with the pathology.  Mine was WAY too much for me to accept, but some folks are married and have kids with their borderline, are still together after many years, and are making it work.  Boils down to what you want and need, are you getting it, and are you truly committed regardless.

[charred]

How do you really cope... you mentioned that it was a parasite/host relationship... that is pretty harsh.

From what I can see it is a parent/child one. When you meet them they idealize you, blow smoke, tell you how great you are... and if you are a bit anxious/needy from growing up without perfect parents... . the idealizing can be intoxicating, it seems like unconditional love, the one thing you needed more than anything... . and didn't know it. Before long you idealize them back, put them on a pedestal and start reacting to them like a child... and don't notice it.  Things like taking a nap with them... seems awesome, the world is right, birds are singing, somehow everything is perfect. Then the disorder kicks in a bit and they flip and start ragging on you... and instead of defending yourself or acting adult... you find yourself taking it, feeling bad about yourself, and trying to say "how high?"  when they say jump.

If you stay in the r/s... you find they get hateful, abusive, and that no matter what you do its not right/good enough. If they dump you or you have had enough and get away from them... instead of relief you miss them so bad you feel like you could die. The intensity is incredible... its more like having a parent die than a breakup. With that kind of loss feeling, you are eager to get back with them, and if you do, the cycle of recycling happens. Each time the good times are shorter, the bad times more intensely bad... and your self-esteem plummets, you get anxious, learn to "walk on eggshells" and live in a sort of hell.

Wish I didn't know about this first hand... but been through it 7-8 times... first time about 28 yrs ago... my GF... dumped me abruptly when we had been making marriage plans... everything I did was about her... then she showed up kissing/dating my neighbor... was suicidal/homicidal so I left, giving up a very successful business, my home, my friends, city I grew up in, my family... and  shattering all my hopes/dreams. Then 25 or so years later she came back in my life... saw I was in FB... contacted me... I wasn't interested... asked to talk on phone... and her voice did me in. Instantly 100% of feelings were back... resulting in us getting back together... and me; losing my 100k+ a year job, more than 1/2 of my stuff (divorce)... my family(wife/daughter)... and more pain/suffering than I could have imagined.

So... how do you cope. Stand your ground, stay grounded in reality, get feedback from others who care, don't believe what is said when it sounds fishy or too good to be true. Mindfulness helps a lot... it means staying in the here and now... not ruminating about past or worrying about future. You don't get in to an abusive r/s all at once... and if you stay in the present... don't accept abusive behavior as anything but abuse... and call them on it... you might be able to cope. The pwBPD... is not emotionally mature and has no empathy or limits on what they will say/do to you. Can be extremely hurtful. I am in T for PTSD from it.

Reality is only cure for it. All the BPD drama is egoic... read Eckart Tolle's "A New Earth"... and "Walking on Eggshells"

Stay on boards here... get feedback, and good luck.

[Pearl55]

Fromhealtoheal

Staying with a borderline for a long time without damaging to your mental and physical health is not possible. Their pathalogical issues are very deep and serious. My sister inlaw is a waif and she has been in counselling more than 20 years. Her husband is a drug addicted now and bankrupted. I've seen so many families as well and thery are only alive. This is a very serious disorder but most non BPDs have no knowledge of psychology and don't take it seriously.

[fromheeltoheal]

Fromhealtoheal

Staying with a borderline for a long time without damaging to your mental and physical health is not possible. Their pathalogical issues are very deep and serious. My sister inlaw is a waif and she has been in counselling more than 20 years. Her husband is a drug addicted now and bankrupted. I've seen so many families as well and thery are only alive. This is a very serious disorder but most non BPDs have no knowledge of psychology and don't take it seriously.

I felt like I was literally going insane and leaving was the only choice, and our relationship was less than a year, so I understand Pearl.  What I don't understand is how people stay married for decades to someone with a personality disorder; it must be a little tolerable on some level, and there are different degrees of dysfunction I suppose.  The folks on the Staying board know better than I.

[Boisnix79]

It's been 11 months for me and I'd be surprised if I dont have PTSD on some level. It's almost like there arent enough letters or words to explain the feelings associated with this. Pain/anger/frustration/infatuation/entertainment/love mixture... . ya no word for that yet.

So Heel, your relationship ended... . and I'm sure it was very difficult... . Does the pain seem to be subsiding? The Pain/anger/frustration/infatuation/entertainment/love mixture?

DO you ever read posts and be like, OH ya, I remember that... . or is it like OH ya Im still going throguh that?

[fromheeltoheal]

It's been 11 months for me and I'd be surprised if I dont have PTSD on some level. It's almost like there arent enough letters or words to explain the feelings associated with this. Pain/anger/frustration/infatuation/entertainment/love mixture... . ya no word for that yet.

So Heel, your relationship ended... . and I'm sure it was very difficult... . Does the pain seem to be subsiding? The Pain/anger/frustration/infatuation/entertainment/love mixture?

DO you ever read posts and be like, OH ya, I remember that... . or is it like OH ya Im still going throguh that?

I left her a year and a half ago, and I went through all the stages and emotions you describe, angry to the point of rage for months, depression, physical sickness, got diagnosed with PTSD, you name it.  At this point I think about her very little and I have pretty much no emotion tied to it, and when I come here I think of borderlines and the disorder in general, not her in particular anymore.  I've read many, many stories in the last year that I could have written; eerie how similar the experiences are even though it's all different people.

I now see the 'experience' as a gift; there were lessons I needed to learn, didn't know it, got schooled in a big way, and I think I've matured several years in the last year.  The relationship didn't feel right from the very beginning, I put up with a whole lot of crap I shouldn't have, and I got out after not too long, but it was devastating nonetheless.  I now see her as a sick person and not a bad one, I've forgiven her, she's doing the best she can with what she's got, we all are, and at this point I just see us as incompatible, it didn't work, that happens all the time, time to move on.  I am capable of creating the relationship of my dreams, and I'm a lot more wary of who I try with today.  Hope some of that helps... .

[Pearl55]

Fromhealtoheal

You are a very healthy guy to notice her abnormalities in the right time. I noticed my husband issues after 11 years! For people want to stay with a PDs partner I have to say they have got their own issues including myself. If you are a healthy person you will not continue with them.i have been noticing that most of my female freinds are PDs as well. I'm a fixer rescuer type!