Feel like I've ruined my life

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

I was with someone from the age of 26-33. I've seen many posts here about borderline personalities having kids etc but my ex would never give me a straight answer on if he wanted them. One conversation we had he said he didn't. The next he said 'of course I want them'. He says his reluctance was down to things people said to him in his childhood about not settling down too early or being 'trapped' with kids and wanting to move out of that deprived area he lived in where it was expected you'd settle down early, have a local job etc.  Anyway, I hung on and hung on like an absolute idiot... .

Now I can see I've had a lucky escape.  Having kids with him would've been a life sentence and I know many of you are finding that difficult.  I saw him two weekends ago and he was STILL saying he wanted kids with me at some point I the future... . aaaaaaaaarrrrggghhh. This was just after I'd told him never to speak to me again as he spent the whole evening trying to get a girl into bed IN FRONT OF ME.

So now I'm 34, single, and worried that I'm never going to find anyone again, never mind about having kids. Did anyone else have a 'commitment phobe' BPD ex?  This is worrying me more than breaking up with him now.

[Lizzie3]

I was with someone from the age of 26-33. I've seen many posts here about borderline personalities having kids etc but my ex would never give me a straight answer on if he wanted them. One conversation we had he said he didn't. The next he said 'of course I want them'. He says his reluctance was down to things people said to him in his childhood about not settling down too early or being 'trapped' with kids and wanting to move out of that deprived area he lived in where it was expected you'd settle down early, have a local job etc.  Anyway, I hung on and hung on like an absolute idiot... .

Now I can see I've had a lucky escape.  Having kids with him would've been a life sentence and I know many of you are finding that difficult.  I saw him two weekends ago and he was STILL saying he wanted kids with me at some point I the future... . aaaaaaaaarrrrggghhh. This was just after I'd told him never to speak to me again as he spent the whole evening trying to get a girl into bed IN FRONT OF ME.

So now I'm 34, single, and worried that I'm never going to find anyone again, never mind about having kids. Did anyone else have a 'commitment phobe' BPD ex?  This is worrying me more than breaking up with him now.

[Clearmind]

Lizzie, you have time my friend. I also went through the same experience. I said to my ex when we first met what I wanted - kids - and he was also excited. It was what he hit me with during the breakup. I was 38 and now happily pregnant - well overdue actually by 3 days now .

Concentrate on healing first and finding out why you were attracted to a Borderline and then seek out a partner who wants what you want. Sometimes we have our own issues of commitment if we date Borderlines - I know I did!

[Lizzie3]

Thanks for your kind words Clearmind and all the best for your new baby!  What an exciting  and happy time you have ahead of you!

I DO need to work out why I was attracted to someone with BPD and I do need some time on my own.  Just I feel the pressure of time bearing down on me... .

[Take2]

Lizzie... .   you have lots of time, trust me!  You will do yourself and your baby a world of good to take the time to work on yourself before you rush into another r/s out of self-imposed pressure/time clock... .   I don't know about you, but I find that I have attracted and been attracted to men with very BPD and npd type traits - some more than others... .   and it would be a nightmare if I'd had a baby with my ex-uBPD-bf... .  

Take care of YOU right now... .   so that when the time comes, you can give your all to the baby - not to a man with BPD who might become jealous of your time with the baby... .

[love4meNOTu]

Lizzie- I can guarantee you that this is not the end.

My exhwBPD was very jealous of any time or attention I spent on my children. I knew that if I wanted to do anything one on one with them I would pay for it later.

You don't know what's going to happen to you TOMORROW let alone years from now. So quit trying to be a fortune teller and live in the now girl... . And believe me when I say that I do the same darn thing, and leaving that crap behind me has made the now so much more wonderful.

L

[Lizzie3]

Thanks everyone.  I'm really not good at all at living in the moment and always think my life would be better if... . etc etc

I got sick and tired of nothing happening with the ex I'm trying to make things happen for myself rather than relying on someone else to create happiness in my life.

[myself]

Lizzie, please believe you have many years ahead and many more chances to find someone who will commit. Make sure they are right for you, not playing games, not hurting you. Time is a factor, but rushing things won't make it better, or guarantee it will happen sooner. It's good to read you'll take more time to yourself to create your own happiness. It's true, no one can do that for you but You. I've been learning that myself. The more I've looked outside for it, the less I've looked within.

You asked about 'commitment phobes', and I'll say that in my r/s, we almost got married. Talked of having children. Lived together in between the times she raged and disappeared. She wanted to be close with me, to trust me, to have a family with me. I KNOW she did. But there was something in her that was scared of it. She blamed me for her problems but they were there before she even knew me. True intimacy is impossible when someone runs away from who they could be if they didn't run away.

I'm sorry you're going through this. It can be an opportunity for personal growth. When you write, "... . think my life would be better if... . ", what are the 'Ifs'? What can you do about making those things happen? To mention a cliche, is the glass half empty or half filled? If it's more empty, you can fill it with whatever you like. If it's filled, keep going. Overfill it. Do all the things you want to do, make your life what you want to make of it. That's living in the moment. You'll be doing it. It's in you to succeed.

[Perfidy]

Lizzie, your fear of engagement is understandable. It's a strategy to avoid pain. There is going to be pain. By avoiding short term pain we open ourselves to long term suffering.

[Lizzie3]

My ifs stem from the fact that almost everyone I know has got married, had kids, bought a house except me. 

I am happy for them but nothing has happened in my life for years.  I'd say the last seven years have been totally static.

I have just applied for a new job-a promotion which would see me relocating.  I have mixed feelings about this but I'm starting to feel excited about it... . it might come to nothing but worth trying hey?

[DiamondSW]

don't worry!

We all get 'sick and tired' of our BPD exes... .  especially the promises which never happen.  It's all words which are never backed with real actions... .  lots of yabba yabba!  

I look back on my ex who also wanted a child desperately, but she (at 30) had worked only 7mths in her life, had no savings, had never considered the need to save or contribute to raising a child, had never heard of a mortgage or borrowing money for a car etc, and basically lived in a world which would have meant ALL the responsibility for having that child would be mine.  She would have been a lovey mum, but only when well... . and she was so far from well, I would have had to raise the child 99%, pay the bills 100%, pay for the gf 100%, and basically at the same time get destroyed by her.  So indirectly, she'd wreck my life emotionally which would then have dreadful ramifications on her and the child.  Hence, I did not want children (Until she was better or at least trying).  

You had a lucky escape, but I agree with others here... . don't rush anything and find a man who LOVES you.  That takes time.  Rushing = future problems... .  

Take care miss  

[Tausk]

Hi:  Welcome and I'm sorry for your pain.  We here on the board understand. We've been through our own pain, fear, confusion, anger, ... .  We understand and we can validate your experiences and feelings.

Not to rain on the the wonderful optimistic parade of responses, but the chance that you have ruined your life is real.  Many people hold on to malignant hope of change from their BPD's and lose most if not all of the productive years of their lives in attachment to the Disorder.



If we permit it, our ex's BPD's behavior will keep us engaged for the rest of our life.

If you want your life back, if you want to have children and be happy, then there is work ahead.  And that work means honest disengagement from the ex.

I kept myself dangling for crumbs of hope for years.  The words that my ex said, were real to her and I believed them.  But her actions in the end resulted in betrayal and Disorder.  I knew the truth deep down, but couldn't bring myself to face it.  So I suffered for an additional four years.  

There are many on this board who have suffered for twenty plus years.   Even more in this world whose entire lives have been wasted as collateral damage from the Disorder.

But I've found that if I do the work suggested, such as go to therapy, get honest, keep no contact in the strictest terms, take responsibility for my own life and actions, look at my FOO issues... . Then I can be free.

But, it's like heroin addicts who want to get clean.  Just because they want recovery doesn't mean that they will get it.  I look at every interaction of attachment with my ex as shooting heroin, with any future interaction being the last one that I can never remove myself from.  The comparison to addiction is very valid.  Why else would we continue to engage in something that although may temporarily bring us tremendous highs, in the end leaves us ultimately closer to a hellish death.  

It's not a given or guarantee that things will get better.  Just like our exes with BPD don't find recovery, many on this side of the board don't find recovery either because we choose to look externally for validation instead of looking deep inside for the reasons why we got mirrored and caught in the first place.

But we all have reason to have hope. We are part of the same pattern, and there is a path for us to find recovery.  However, we must be willing to gear up and make the trek.  But, we can have faith because here many are already on the journey, and we don't have to clear our own path, and most importantly, because we don't have to take the journey alone.

With greatest of support and love,

T

[Boisnix79]

Tausk, that was very well said. I gained from having read that.

Thanks for sharing

[Lizzie3]

Hi:  Welcome and I'm sorry for your pain.  We here on the board understand. We've been through our own pain, fear, confusion, anger, ... .  We understand and we can validate your experiences and feelings.

Not to rain on the the wonderful optimistic parade of responses, but the chance that you have ruined your life is real.  Many people hold on to malignant hope of change from their BPD's and lose most if not all of the productive years of their lives in attachment to the Disorder.



If we permit it, our ex's BPD's behavior will keep us engaged for the rest of our life.

If you want your life back, if you want to have children and be happy, then there is work ahead.  And that work means honest disengagement from the ex.

I kept myself dangling for crumbs of hope for years.  The words that my ex said, were real to her and I believed them.  But her actions in the end resulted in betrayal and Disorder.  I knew the truth deep down, but couldn't bring myself to face it.  So I suffered for an additional four years.  

There are many on this board who have suffered for twenty plus years.   Even more in this world whose entire lives have been wasted as collateral damage from the Disorder.

But I've found that if I do the work suggested, such as go to therapy, get honest, keep no contact in the strictest terms, take responsibility for my own life and actions, look at my FOO issues... . Then I can be free.

But, it's like heroin addicts who want to get clean.  Just because they want recovery doesn't mean that they will get it.  I look at every interaction of attachment with my ex as shooting heroin, with any future interaction being the last one that I can never remove myself from.  The comparison to addiction is very valid.  Why else would we continue to engage in something that although may temporarily bring us tremendous highs, in the end leaves us ultimately closer to a hellish death.  

It's not a given or guarantee that things will get better.  Just like our exes with BPD don't find recovery, many on this side of the board don't find recovery either because we choose to look externally for validation instead of looking deep inside for the reasons why we got mirrored and caught in the first place.

But we all have reason to have hope. We are part of the same pattern, and there is a path for us to find recovery.  However, we must be willing to gear up and make the trek.  But, we can have faith because here many are already on the journey, and we don't have to clear our own path, and most importantly, because we don't have to take the journey alone.

With greatest of support and love,

T

Wow.  That's scared me into doing something about this... .

[Take2]

The addiction analogy is completely accurate... .   I'm reading a book called Betrayal Bonds by Patrick Carnes (I think that's his name)... .   to understand my own very intense addiction to my ex.  Every time I attempt to detach, if it's not simply seeing him at work that kills me, it's a simple text from him like "hello" and that's all - and I go from being a clean and sober person to that heroin addict who just got hit with well, a hit, and it starts all over again... . each time harder than the last, more brutal from the last... .   because with that going back phase, it shows the ex that I accepted the last round of abusive treatment and still came back... .

Lizzie you can do this... .   we're all here working together to detach... .

[fromheeltoheal]

No one's putting a number on it.  Women peak in their late thirties and you're not there yet.  You've got a good ten years to create a relationship with someone you can actually build a loving family with.  You didn't ask me for advice, but I say give yourself a year to heal, grow and adjust your beliefs, and take that out into the world.  Believe me, a 35 year old who has her act together is heaven to a man.

[mgl210]

Lizzie,

I understand your pain. My ex always wanted to know when we could start getting married and having kids. I am terrified of dating because of her. I am glad that you are free of the situation though. My situation is just a big ball of crud... . Good luck and don't be so hard on yourself...

MGL

[tango1492]

I am also 34 years old. Granted, I have a child from a previous relationship, but my child LOVED my BPD ex and it was very hard on him when I left.

I don't know if I want more children for sure, but I have the same sense that maybe my BPD ex was my last shot at that chance.

In the last 6 months that we've been broken up, he's sucked me back in FOUR different times with promises of marriage, of how I'm the ONE, how he's never loved anyone as much as he loved me, and of how he wants to have a baby with me.

The last time we were in touch was about 2 weeks ago. He said all of those things, only to turn around and change his mind and go on match.com. His profile on the dating site says how he wants to get married and start a family. Really? He just told me a week ago that I'm the one he wanted all of that with.

It's so very true that it's like an addiction. One message from him, and I haven't been able to ignore him or say no. I believe everything he says because he's so passionate about it. And every time I'm surprised when he turns around a bails. But really, this is my issue. How many times will I let myself be jerked around and be that gullible?

I do realize the only way is no contact, and completely detaching and having the person out of your life. It's so incredibly difficult to do. But I do believe it's the only way. Otherwise, there is no chance of moving on and meeting someone else.

You have to learn, as do I, to be happy, healthy, and whole.

I came across this little article and found it meaningful:

www.huffingtonpost.com/christian-de-la-huerta/be-sexy_b_4701405.html

Good luck to all. Hugs.

[emotionaholic]

Having a child with a borderline would have ruined your life.  You have saved your life by not.

I started dating my exBPD and she got pregnant right away.  I wanted to keep it but she said that it would destroy us if we did.  Thank god she had some real clarity on that one.  She insisted on an abortion which I did not want but stood by her and supported her.  I loved her and had no problems with having a child.  We each had one from previous relationships so I thought it would be great to have one together. 

Fast forward over three years later.  We are not together and have not spoken in 8 months or so.  I get calls from her ex husband asking me for advice on the fact that her son does not want anything to do with her anymore and wishes he could live with his dad.  I saw this coming a couple of years ago tried so hard to help her with her relationship with her son.  The simple fact is they can not do relationships at all.  The closer you are to them and the more you love them the more extreme the destruction.  I thank god that we did not have a child because I would be stuck in absolute BPD hell for the rest of my life and also then having to rescue a child from the destructive aftermath of a borderline mother.