Why can't I seem to let go?

[tango1492]

Hi Everyone,

I left my BPD boyfriend about 6 months ago. I can't seem to stop checking his FB page and his match.com profile. This is in part because we've had contact 4 times in the last six months and every time he's told me he wants to get back together, marry me, have a family with me, etc. So I'm still hooked on the hope of working things out. Yet every time, he's also backed out within a few days and left me confused and hurt.

He's extremely bright, successful, attractive, and sometimes he absolutey worships me. In fact, he's said things like "You're like a God to me" and "I want you to be the person I die with when we're old". He can make me feel so amazing. Yet, he also drank too much, was verbally abusive, and even had a hallucination (pyschotic epidode) on time during a very stressful arguement. I left him, and it was so hard. But I did it. But now that we're apart, I've only been desperate and pining to work things out since.

He also told me he thinks he has BPD right after we broke up, yet he's been denying it ever since and told me he just said that to help me get over him. Who does that?

Any help would be appreciated!

[fromheeltoheal]

Yup, sounds like a situation that is echoed all over these boards, including with me.  It is very painful and I'm sorry you're going through that.

BPD is an attachment disorder, with the sufferer NEEDING to attach to other people to feel whole.  His contacts over the last months could have been motivated by a bad day, with him feeling abandoned by whatever or whomever, and looking to you to soothe those feelings, to see if the attachment with you was still there.  If you responded positively then it was, and might have made him feel better in the moment.  It's not about you, it's about his feelings.

What you're doing is ruminating, and natural and common thing to do when detaching.  Here's a workshop that gives us some tools to deal with it: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=103396.0

We look forward to hearing updates, and take care of you!

[Lizzie3]

Oh Tango1492 I could've written what you've just said.

I don't have much advice apart from looking after yourself and giving yourself some space to deal with this. What he is doing is totally unfair on you and you deserve better than this.

If you can delete his facebook.

I keep saying to myself 'actions speak louder than words.'  I think that's really important to remember.

Wish I could be more help 

[Boisnix79]

Tango, I'm just letting go now after months of chaos. Also a successful, attractive, and charismatic gf I've had. It feels like it's just a shame doesnt it. Like finally the person of our dreams comes and they ARE the person of our dreams... . +BPD. It's a confusing time. Heartbreaking is what it is, I am with you and feel good that you were strong enough to get away. Where you are now is a healthier place than with you were with him. I'm thinking so yes?

I was reading a book called THAW last night and it really helped me to put the stages of my madness into perspective (codependency)... . as I checked off each step I realized what I had become... . opened my eyes a bit, maybe it will help you too... . Stay strong and remember that you are beautiful.

[growing_wings]

hi Tango... .

pretty much all of us (or a very high %) who are on the leaving board have been through your situation, and all of us face the following question everyday:

- do i keep living the life of my exBPD every day, even if i am not living with him/her? or do i put my energy on living MY life?

I know i do... i have that question inside my head. For weeks i thought about her and checked her FB profile, until i got tired of living HER life and not mine. I left because i was losing myself, i lost myself on her, she controlled me and she did whatever she wanted with me, she hurt me, she abused me etc.etc. I left, but after i did i was still allowing her to control my emotions. This is normal, and is part of the healing path, but i got tired, fed up with giving her so much power after the end. So i am trying hard every single day to live MY life and not hers, i dont check on her, i dont let her be in my mind, i am re-building my network of friends, re-starting projects, etc.

is normal not to let go, but you can do a LOT to het him go. Change your mindset and move on for good. Live your life, not his.

easy? not at the beginning, gets easier as you progress. Is worth it

best wishes

[Littleopener]

I deleted mine from facebook today. I have been nc for a few weeks but I kept checking his facebook (which was happy happy happy all the time (his mask)). I was sad because I want to help him, but I know I need to detach completely and this is the only way. So I've deleted him. I also deleted my replacement (yeah we were friends... . ) so I cant see what they're up to at all. Feels quite good, refreshing I guess.

Now, is there a way to block emails?

[fromheeltoheal]

Now, is there a way to block emails?

Depending on what email software you're using, you can set a rule to delete emails from certain email addresses when they arrive, so you won't see them.  Outlook does it.