Slow Slide to Detachment

[nowwhatz]

Had a decent weekend.

Super bowl "party" at my house. Invited female friend.

Trying to bring some kind of finality to the relationship with the BPD "girlfriend."  I am limiting contact to simple good morning text when I get around to it and a how r u text.

The BPDgf's legal issues have been delayed a bit. Her psychiatrist has classified her as unfit for court... . suicidal etc.  The slow gears of justice are still moving nonetheless.

This saturday received panicky call from BPDgf. I took her out for a little while to distract her from herself.  She told me she didn't deserve to live because she felt guilty for hurting all the people that love her.  All I could say was of course you deserve to live and gave her a hug.

Needless to say hanging out with a depressive, BPD, possibly suicidal gf is not really much fun. We are not having sex... . she feels too ugly and has that switch off right now.  Other than possibly getting to feel needed I am not getting much out of the r/s right now.

My limited attempts to contact her have triggered her to give me the silent treatment (not getting reply to how r u text).   In the pavlovian/ritualistic patterns of the r/s I start to feel panicky myself at this point.    I don't like to be ignored even though I am scaling down my contact with her.

I wish I could just make it all go away or make it into a real, healthy relationship but it is not possible. I don't have a magic wand... . so trying to get out of limbo but it is an uphill battle.

I have some dragons to slay in my business and my business is starting to go through a hopefully temporary state of crisis, so I can and will be busy.

I have been feeling a little stronger with regard to dealing with the r/s or lack thereof but know that can change quickly.

Will retreat into tvland I suppose for now and detach from reality if I can. Thanks for listening.

[tiredndown]

I wish I could just make it all go away or make it into a real, healthy relationship but it is not possible. I don't have a magic wand... . so trying to get out of limbo but it is an uphill battle.

You absolutely have this power to make it go away right here and right NOW. The question is what are you not doing it? Do you feel you don't deserve better? You are not a doctor with the necessary training to help her. Do you want HER? or Do you want what you THINK she is or MAY be someday?

[nowwhatz]

I wish I could just make it all go away or make it into a real, healthy relationship but it is not possible. I don't have a magic wand... . so trying to get out of limbo but it is an uphill battle.

You absolutely have this power to make it go away right here and right NOW. The question is what are you not doing it? Do you feel you don't deserve better? You are not a doctor with the necessary training to help her. Do you want HER? or Do you want what you THINK she is or MAY be someday?

You bring up some excellent questions. Thanks!

I want her if her condition is manageable. Up to now there is no tangible evidence that would suggest it is manageable for any extended period of time... . so what I want is probably impossible.

When she is "fine" she is great... . the best... . something I deserve... . but she is only be "fine" a few days or weeks out of a year... . something I don't deserve. Plus she has crossed some serious societal lines by getting in trouble with the law which makes her even less than what I deserve. No doubt whatever she did is related to her illness but it is not so simple for her to "walk" on this one... . but it might result in the best outcome for her and me (deportation).

Right now I am trying to break the pattern/cycle by not reacting impulsive to her latest silent treatment.

I prodded her a bit via text yesterday to get an answer and she said she "was a little confused and needed time."  My reply was "I am very, very confused. If you are a little confused you are lucky. Take as much time as you need. Goodnight"

That was my last contact and I have turned off the ringer for her on my phone and blocked her to go straight to vm if/when she calls. I will not know if she is sending me any texts. If it is important she will call and go straight to vm.

That is what I am doing differently this time.

I am 100% certain she will call within a matter of days or no later than the end of this month, tearful and apologetic blah blah.

Right now I am taking it minute by minute and hope to keep doing something different than before to break the cycle of behavior.

[tiredndown]

It sounds like you are doing a lot of self examination and that is a great first step. The most important thing is stepping out of the situation and look in as a third person.

What advice would you give yourself, son, or daughter? Why don't you deserve that same advice?

When she is "fine" she is great... . the best... . something I deserve... . but she is only be "fine" a few days or weeks out of a year... . something I don't deserve.

What I fear is that when she is 'Fine', she is faking it... .

[nowwhatz]

It sounds like you are doing a lot of self examination and that is a great first step. The most important thing is stepping out of the situation and look in as a third person.

What advice would you give yourself, son, or daughter? Why don't you deserve that same advice?

When she is "fine" she is great... . the best... . something I deserve... . but she is only be "fine" a few days or weeks out of a year... . something I don't deserve.

What I fear is that when she is 'Fine', she is faking it... .

Tiredndown,

No doubt she has faked it from time to time.  More often I am convinced she believes whatever it is she believes at that particular moment.

Right now all I can do is try to change what I do.  Right now I am getting the silent treatment and trying not to react the way I have in the past.  Hopefully I can sustain my effort not to do anything impulsive or be angry.

Sadly, this is not my first rodeo with this gf. A silver lining is I am getting more used to this feeling and I think/hope better able to handle it. I was here just 3 or so weeks ago when I "dumped" her then tried to reconcile.

I want things to be fine. They are not going to be fine... . but I am trying to handle what is happening with a little more mindfulness and emotional restraint than in the past. So far... . ok... . but early in the game.

To answer your question I would advise my son or daughter to run unless they were fully prepared to be a caretaker, take continuous abuse and let it roll off.

[KateCat]

nowwhatz,

Would it help you in making a decision if you read some of the posts of the husbands who participate on this forum? It might be like reading the very words of your girlfriend's husband, about whom you recently wrote:

"Ok so I am an idiot I know but pity the BPDgf's poor soon to be ex husband.  She somehow got him to take her back last February and now he is out about $35,000 in legal bills (criminal defence lawyer, hernia operation, full psychological exam for court legal defense and to get her diagnosed.

Approximatley 15k of what he has paid was in the last 90 days, while she has been seeing me without his knowlege and living at his place.  The poor man also promised to get her into an apt after she finds a job (assuming she is not in jail or deported).  As of today he knows she has been "in contact" with me but I don't think he will stop spending $$$ on her. "

Added: Oh, and I realize I have another question about this fellow. Do you have solid reason to believe he is a soon-to-be-ex-husband? Could he also be just a "husband?"

I ask these questions only because you do seem to be willing to take a fearless personal inventory . . . .

[unicorn2014]

I applaud you for being able to set boundaries like that, I think its the right thing to do. That's not really a relationship, its a prison.

[nowwhatz]

nowwhatz,

Would it help you in making a decision if you read some of the posts of the husbands who participate on this forum? It might be like reading the very words of your girlfriend's husband, about whom you recently wrote:

"Ok so I am an idiot I know but pity the BPDgf's poor soon to be ex husband.  She somehow got him to take her back last February and now he is out about $35,000 in legal bills (criminal defence lawyer, hernia operation, full psychological exam for court legal defense and to get her diagnosed.

Approximatley 15k of what he has paid was in the last 90 days, while she has been seeing me without his knowlege and living at his place.  The poor man also promised to get her into an apt after she finds a job (assuming she is not in jail or deported).  As of today he knows she has been "in contact" with me but I don't think he will stop spending $$$ on her. "

Added: Oh, and I realize I have another question about this fellow. Do you have solid reason to believe he is a soon-to-be-ex-husband? Could he also be just a "husband?"

I ask these questions only because you do seem to be willing to take a fearless personal inventory . . . .

Katecat,

It probably would benefit me to read the stories of the husband on this board. Thanks for the suggestion! I will do it.

The soon to be ex is now officially ex. I checked the court records and their divorce is final.

The story behind it all is stranger than fiction and right out of the twilight zone. I live in a city of about 1.2 million people and I met this BPDgf 3 years ago while she was separated from her husband (now ex). The ex is actually a close high school friend of mine with whom I had lost contact with.  The situation with the ex is uncomforable for both of us.

The ex has had a gf for about 7 years and is still seeing that gf today.  My BPDgf lives with her now ex-husband and her young adult son.  The ex tried to reconcile with the BPDgf last year but it did not work out.  The ex told the BPDgf she can stay at his apt until the lease runs out in about six months.

The ex is an exemplary stepfather to the son and is still paying for legal costs and her basic, basic living expenses. He is not buying her meds and has tried to prod her to try to get back to work by not buying her any extras.   The unspoken truth is that she will probably go to jail or get deported soon.  I believe the ex is acting in some sort of mission of mercy at this point.

Well... . it is the end of the day for me and I am happy to report I have not done anything impulsive (like send a text to the BPDgf).  I had a business meeting tonight, a super busy work day and band practice with a new punk rock band I am forming... . went very well and was fun

Tomorrow is a super busy day for me with a lot of important work. I will keep trying to not react like I did in the past while in this predicament.

Katecat to help make my decision I will peruse some of the posts here. I hope I don't ever become the husband of a BPD woman.

I don't think I will be truly ready to really detach for a while... . wish it was easier. I am not missing her much right now but had almost daily contact with her for the last 4 months so it will be a day to day deal... . but what a debi downer she has been recently (and for good reason).  

My last real conversation with her was when she was crying and saying she didn't deserve to live because of all the people she has hurt who love her.

Oh well. I will try to forge ahead and live.

[nowwhatz]

I applaud you for being able to set boundaries like that, I think its the right thing to do. That's not really a relationship, its a prison.

Thanks unicorn2014!

I am not very good at setting boundaries. I hope I can stick with it. My track record is Dismal.

PRISON is the perfect description of our relationship.  Perhaps when she contacts me I can tell her that our relationship is a prison.

Ironically in the future if I stay in contact with her I may be visiting her in a real prison!

[unicorn2014]

I applaud you for being able to set boundaries like that, I think its the right thing to do. That's not really a relationship, its a prison.

Thanks unicorn2014!

I am not very good at setting boundaries. I hope I can stick with it. My track record is Dismal.

PRISON is the perfect description of our relationship.  Perhaps when she contacts me I can tell her that our relationship is a prison.

Ironically in the future if I stay in contact with her I may be visiting her in a real prison!

I've seen some good reading material on this site about boundaries. Its hard to detach emotionally I know, but it really sounded like that relationship was going nowhere, fast. Be grateful that you can get out of it!

[nowwhatz]

I applaud you for being able to set boundaries like that, I think its the right thing to do. That's not really a relationship, its a prison.

Thanks unicorn2014!

I am not very good at setting boundaries. I hope I can stick with it. My track record is Dismal.

PRISON is the perfect description of our relationship.  Perhaps when she contacts me I can tell her that our relationship is a prison.

Ironically in the future if I stay in contact with her I may be visiting her in a real prison!

I've seen some good reading material on this site about boundaries. Its hard to detach emotionally I know, but it really sounded like that relationship was going nowhere, fast. Be grateful that you can get out of it!

I am grateful I have a chance to get out of it. Been going on (and off) for 3 good years. There have been some good times for sure but the price has been way to high.

I feel a little hopeful I can actually turn the corner and possibly get out for good, or at least turn it into something much less without any attachment.  I know this is not a nice thing to think or say but I hope she gets deported. Then she can be with her mother in mexico and away from me. I can still possibly visit her for an occasional vacation and maybe catch her when she is "fine" and not be attached. That would be a nice outcome I suppose. Better than what there is now.

[KateCat]

I hope I don't ever become the husband of a BPD woman.

I'm glad to hear you say that! I confess to having thought, "What would nowwhatz, who is a father, isn't he?, think if the mother of his children were . . . . ?" "And what would he think of the other man who was buying his wife entertainment and gifts during this time?" (You can actually read about what these husbands do think right here on this forum.)

You can't go wrong with a values-based assessment of this particular situation, truly. It will force you to mature emotionally, which is something we all can use.

A while back you were contemplating hiring your girlfriend to work for your business. I'm pretty sure you would not have hired her in a capacity which would have allowed her to defraud you as she has apparently defrauded others, but the "karmic" implications of a choice like that are a bit dark. You'll be so glad if you don't go in this particular direction with your life.

And bravo for you for posting here, where others can learn from your struggles.

[unicorn2014]

Yes, best not to let a pwBPD get attached to you unless you want to deal with it.

[nowwhatz]

I hope I don't ever become the husband of a BPD woman.

I'm glad to hear you say that! I confess to having thought, "What would nowwhatz, who is a father, isn't he?, think if the mother of his children were . . . . ?" "And what would he think of the other man who was buying his wife entertainment and gifts during this time?" (You can actually read about what these husbands do think right here on this forum.)

You can't go wrong with a values-based assessment of this particular situation, truly. It will force you to mature emotionally, which is something we all can use.

A while back you were contemplating hiring your girlfriend to work for your business. I'm pretty sure you would not have hired her in a capacity which would have allowed her to defraud you as she has apparently defrauded others, but the "karmic" implications of a choice like that are a bit dark. You'll be so glad if you don't go in this particular direction with your life.

And bravo for you for posting here, where others can learn from your struggles.

My kids are almost all "grown." 

I am no angel but have not defrauded anyone to the best of my knowledge and (knock in wood) never been arrested.

I did contemplate employing my gf in my business in a position where I think she would have done well, at no financial risk to me. I don't think I would contemplate it again.

NC again today. She has not tried to call.Still have her blocked to go straight to vm if she tries. 

Frankly I have been so busy with work today I did not even think about her until right now that I have some brief down time. Lucky for me in my work there are some minor crisis' going on that are getting my obsessive full attention... . too bad for anyone who is the recipient of this .  But keeping me busy.

I have not tried to text or call her. Don't want to get overconfident because I know myself too well but here's hoping she is just not that appealing to me anymore.

Thank you again for your wise input... . it means a lot!

[nowwhatz]

Yes, best not to let a pwBPD get attached to you unless you want to deal with it.

The bigger problem is me getting attached to the BPDgf. Mine is more consistent although maybe getting smaller and smaller as time goes by. Her attachment to me may be more intense she can turn on a dime from I LOVE YOU AND WANT TO BE WITH YOU FOREVER blah blah blah to I am confused or We are just friends or I love you I love you but want to be sure you won't cheat on me or I am sorry I love you I am sure I am sure I am sure... . etc. etc. etc... .

Hopefully I am really getting unattached. Well will keep on moving forward and thank you for you input!

[KateCat]

I am no angel but have not defrauded anyone to the best of my knowledge and (knock in wood) never been arrested.

This describes me as well, although I probably could have been arrested a few times in my psychedelic youth. 

I can't stress enough how helpful it is for people who aren't angels to soak up all the lessons and understanding available on this forum. It eventually reduces confusion in our lives by a whole lot, in my experience. Take your time with the lessons, when you're ready, and savor them as you go.