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Author Topic: Raised in a dysfunctional family  (Read 1064 times)
Mutt
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« on: February 04, 2014, 03:28:53 PM »

I'm going through the link that was provided to me by Want2know about co-dependency.

When Our Emotional Issues Affect Our True Availability

Excerpt
In fact, they found that if you were raised in a dysfunctional family or had an ill parent, you’re likely codependent.

I had both and I was adopted into that family. My mother was ill for a year and half in the early 80's and passed away from cancer. I was 8 at the time. I've read several articles on the internet that there is a good chance that if you are with a borderline that there is a good chance that your mother was one. When my adoptive mother was alive there was no conflict like I had with my ex wife. I didn't see her degenerate my father or fighting in front of us.

When she died, my father was gone most of the time at work and we where being watched by our grandparents or sitters. My dad soon re-married to my step mother and her two daughters. It was difficult adjusting to a new family quickly and my dad was not there  emotionally for us. It felt lonely and sad.

My dad comes from a dysfunctional family. I never had a good relationship when I grew up with him. He does not show emotions and doesn't talk about his feelings. Once in 40 years have I heard him tell me that he loves me. He was strict, rigid and religiously Catholic. We clashed on many occasions growing up because he wasn't validating and he wasn't lenient.

I know that I come from a dysfunctional family, but I would have to say that my issues stem more from my adoptive father than my adoptive mother. Excuse me if I don't know, but is this what they mean by FOO issues?

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« Reply #1 on: February 04, 2014, 03:57:24 PM »

That's exactly what FOO issues means, its our origin, where we learned to be the people we are, emotionally.
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« Reply #2 on: February 04, 2014, 04:19:32 PM »

That's exactly what FOO issues means, its our origin, where we learned to be the people we are, emotionally.

It's starting to make sense. If I peer back. My mom, I remember her somewhat controlling him, putting him in check. I don't think that she was happy. Things where different after my mom passed away. My dad repressed his feelings, didn't validate us. He put himself in front of the kids. I couldn't go to him and talk to him about anything. I have abandonment issues as well with being adopted. I've since reconnected with my biological mother. I have a good relationship with her. She has been helping me with a lot of emotional support through my marriage and divorce.

But this is where, in myself, my issues are. It's strange going back and looking at things with a set of adult glasses and looking at the child.
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« Reply #3 on: February 04, 2014, 04:30:15 PM »

That's exactly what FOO issues means, its our origin, where we learned to be the people we are, emotionally.

It's starting to make sense. If I peer back. My mom, I remember her somewhat controlling him, putting him in check. I don't think that she was happy. Things where different after my mom passed away. My dad repressed his feelings, didn't validate us. He put himself in front of the kids. I couldn't go to him and talk to him about anything. I have abandonment issues as well with being adopted. I've since reconnected with my biological mother. I have a good relationship with her. She has been helping me with a lot of emotional support through my marriage and divorce.

But this is where, in myself, my issues are. It's strange going back and looking at things with a set of adult glasses and looking at the child.

I guess its good to identify these things, and the ability to see them for yourself without professional help speaks a lot to your ability to reflect and be honest with the past and yourself.

However, I never understood how knowing these things about ourselves assist in getting over these issues... . sure we know where they start, but that doesn't really help me figure out how it is I control them now. Dont know about you... .
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« Reply #4 on: February 04, 2014, 04:45:33 PM »

It helps to know where your problems started and what they are... . my mother is waif BPD, father malignant NPD.  However, I was looking for help due to the BPD r/s I was in. In fact I didn't even think about my mom having anything to do with the problems I had with my BPD gf. They seemed different as night and day. My mother was infuriating with passive-aggressive stuff. She wouldn't tell you what was wrong, would sulk, or would suddenly need something done last minute when you asked her 10 times what needed to be done. My pwBPD... . she was explosive in her anger... and rages... . and I would not have taken both to be BPD... but they are.

So... why does it help knowing where it came from... for one... I wanted to blame my BPDgf for my issues... and they go back further than her, they go back to my childhood and my parents... . and me.  If you know that your issues came from being insecurely attached as a child... and that as a consequence you want intimacy but keep people at a bit of a distance, as closeness makes you anxious... . then you have some idea of what needs to be worked on ... . getting close to people. Brene Brown's books help, learning to be vulnerable helps... and learning to avoid people that have the strong sparks (which I always took for LOVE)... can really help.

When your personality was broke a bit in your first few years... and its stayed that way for 40+ years... . getting it fixed is a scary/dismal prospect. Being told that the insane stress I was having could be handled by staying in the present (mindfulness)... . sounded like BS too... but it turned out to be true. We may not need giant fixes to do well... . most likely we are never going to be super self assured... but just having a few close friends can make all the difference in your life.

The option of picking better parents is out... .   feel hopeful though... . the worst is behind me (BPD breakup... ) in comparison, the future is rosy.
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« Reply #5 on: February 04, 2014, 04:47:36 PM »

I guess its good to identify these things, and the ability to see them for yourself without professional help speaks a lot to your ability to reflect and be honest with the past and yourself.

However, I never understood how knowing these things about ourselves assist in getting over these issues... . sure we know where they start, but that doesn't really help me figure out how it is I control them now. Dont know about you... .

I saw a T and a P in 2013 while divorcing and I'm seeing another T now in 2014. I focused on the ex, failed marriage, kids, emotional abuse, grieving and moving on.

I told them that I wanted to work on going through a tragic event first, then I'll start tackling my demons. I've tried spinning too many plates in the past in T, with disastrous results.

You raise a good question. How can we control these past issues?

I was seeking validation from a person with a serious mental disorder and losing my identity and becoming unhappy and ill in the process.

Validating that lonely child inside?



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« Reply #6 on: February 04, 2014, 05:10:05 PM »

So... why does it help knowing where it came from... for one... . I wanted to blame my BPDgf for my issues... and they go back further than her, they go back to my childhood and my parents... . and me.  If you know that your issues came from being insecurely attached as a child... and that as a consequence you want intimacy but keep people at a bit of a distance, as closeness makes you anxious... . then you have some idea of what needs to be worked on ... . getting close to people. Brene Brown's books help, learning to be vulnerable helps... and learning to avoid people that have the strong sparks (which I always took for LOVE)... can really help.

I have have felt anxiety in all of my relationships. For me to be intimate is to open myself up and I'm scared of opening myself for what people will see inside. It's being insecure. It also scares me that I will eventually lose this person that I have become close too, my fear of abandonment.

Edit:  Laugh out loud (click to insert in post) I read what I wrote ^

I sound like my uBPD ex. Wow 
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« Reply #7 on: February 04, 2014, 05:27:04 PM »

Mutt, I think it's interesting that your father was Catholic. My father sounds very similar to yours and he was Catholic too. May I pm you to discuss further? If you would rather not, then of course I respect your wishes.



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« Reply #8 on: February 04, 2014, 05:32:10 PM »

I had a high anxiety level... but wasn't really aware of it, since it always seemed I was anxious. Went out for sports, was in a lot of clubs, had friends in school, did sales jobs for a while... seemed to be fairly well adjusted... but was still very anxious. My BPD r/s pushed that anxiety level up to where I had hives, and shortness of breath. Saw a doctor... for anxiety meds, and she sent me to see a T... who recommended mindfulness. Tried it and found that my anxiety dropped about 95%. Had been ADHD since I was a kid... now I realize it was fidgeting and hypervigilence ... . due to worrying and ruminating. Once I firmly parked in the present... the worrying would leave.

Interpersonal relationships are harder for me... . when I just meet someone suddenly... if I am in the right mood it goes very well, if I am worrying or anxious... it compounds it. Heard a lot of people talk about sex or the prospect of it increasing anxiety... . I am the opposite... . sex calms me down, and I am more relaxed then that any other time. Was told it was probably accepting sex as a substitute for real intimacy... if so... then I want the real thing too.

What has had my attention lately has been ego defenses and realizing how amazingly abundant they are, all around us. I did a search on ego defenses, and found about 18 common ones with descriptions and examples... and realized that most the time when I was feeling a bit dissociated/negative... that any stressful communications were likely to be some kind of jade or ego defensive things. Read that you can neutralize most of them by accepting them... simple realizing you feel the way you do, and are being pissy that way and it helps. It was called being conscious of it... and not noticing what you were doing was referred to as unconscious... which was kind of amusing.

My step father passed away year before last and had tons of close friends... and was the opposite type of guy you would think would have so many... . he was gruff, told off color jokes, was opinionated, not very educated, and pretty negative in general. However if you find out the difference between egoic and genuine ... . he was genuine... told the truth, felt what he felt and seemed unable to think abstractly or be anywhere but in the present. Guess a lot of it really was, he paid attention to what you said and directly interacted with people. My brother in law (soon to be ex bro in law)... exact opposite. He pasted on a big smile for everyone, was smily/gracious and a bit resentful under the surface... and no one ever knew how he really felt about anything. He came from a big family... and has no friends and even his family doesn't hang out with him much.

We need to work on ourselves... . it isn't rebuild from top to bottom... its simpler... get authentic, get friends... . have fun, get in touch with our emotions... experience living and get past all this anxiety and angst.
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« Reply #9 on: February 04, 2014, 05:38:01 PM »

You raise a good question. How can we control these past issues?

I was seeking validation from a person with a serious mental disorder and losing my identity and becoming unhappy and ill in the process.

Validating that lonely child inside?

These are the big questions and truly personal inventory - nice work Mutt!

We heal by letting that lonely child FEEL this stuff and by reparenting ourselves.  I thought it sounded pretty stupid and resisted that "process", but with enough pain, I was willing to try anything.

Your T likely has some techniques to do this - empty chair work, writing a letter to the child, etc - there are plenty of techniques out there that work and your T will work with you in a controlled environment.

Ultimately, when we recognize that core hurt, we can see dysfunction for what it is - and we change... . it is a process for sure.

No childhood is perfect, for the record and not everyone may have a same hurt over a same issue - it really is individual.  Drama of the Gifted Child by Alice Miller is an amazing read on this - hard, but informative.

Good stuff Mutt!
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« Reply #10 on: February 04, 2014, 05:41:44 PM »

Mutt, I think it's interesting that your father was Catholic. My father sounds very similar to yours and he was Catholic too. May I pm you to discuss further? If you would rather not, then of course I respect your wishes.

You can PM me yes.

We need to work on ourselves... . it isn't rebuild from top to bottom... its simpler... get authentic, get friends... . have fun, get in touch with our emotions... experience living and get past all this anxiety and angst.

I agree with you. 

I don't want to reboot myself. I'm a sum of the experiences from my past and I like who I am. Having said that, it questions me how I fell into the rabbit hole. I can't blame the ex for ignoring the  Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post) because the issues that I brought to the table are from the past.

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« Reply #11 on: February 04, 2014, 06:18:53 PM »

These are the big questions and truly personal inventory - nice work Mutt!

We heal by letting that lonely child FEEL this stuff and by reparenting ourselves.  I thought it sounded pretty stupid and resisted that "process", but with enough pain, I was willing to try anything.

Your T likely has some techniques to do this - empty chair work, writing a letter to the child, etc - there are plenty of techniques out there that work and your T will work with you in a controlled environment.

Ultimately, when we recognize that core hurt, we can see dysfunction for what it is - and we change... . it is a process for sure.

No childhood is perfect, for the record and not everyone may have a same hurt over a same issue - it really is individual.  Drama of the Gifted Child by Alice Miller is an amazing read on this - hard, but informative.

Good stuff Mutt!

Thanks SB. I'm going to bring this up to my T and thank you for the suggestions. I've read before that the reason why these break-ups with personality disorder types are so painful is because of the core stuff, deep down inside is brought up to the surface. I have had break-ups before but nothing quite like this. But this is the gift of the borderline at the end of the r/s.
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« Reply #12 on: February 04, 2014, 06:41:45 PM »

I've read before that the reason why these break-ups with personality disorder types are so painful is because of the core stuff, deep down inside is brought up to the surface. I have had break-ups before but nothing quite like this. But this is the gift of the borderline at the end of the r/s.

This is true - just please, please be patient and kind to yourself during this process.

You seem a lot like I was - willing to dig in, do the work, let's get results!  That is good, helpful, but the core stuff and our patterns of behavior took a lot longer than 3 months to develop as such - discipline - really is so important to this process in getting it to "stick".  It is a change in lifestyle, not a quick fix - kind of like when you watch The Biggest Loser - they change their entire lifestyle and thought patterns to stay healthy and under stress - the old patterns sometimes emerge - that is ok, it is our ability to notice them and the discipline to change that is really the healing.

Hope I didn't scare you off... . I have said this before, not sure if you ever saw the movie The Matrix... . there is a line that says something to the effect of "once you take the blue pill, you cannot go back to the old world"... . now that you are digging into this stuff - going back won't work like it did either.



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« Reply #13 on: February 04, 2014, 07:40:16 PM »

I was adopted too. I understand at least from my POV, what it is like to struggle with a second identity at the same time that someone is trying to destroy it--even if that destruction isn't conscious. It's a lot easier to destroy identity when the other person isn't sure what it quite is yet. My pwB/NPD did a pretty harsh number on me when I fought back with everything I had. (I don't think PD's and adoption mix very well because a lot of the prejudice against adoption kinda overlaps with PDs, at least in my experience, so it's like getting a double whammy).

I put up with neglect and anger (Those were my choices) and also being told indirectly that she didn't really want me--it was to appease everyone else. (Which happens with dysfunctional adoptions.) <-- To give an idea of how it can intersect for the peanut gallery.

/quote]

You raise a good question. How can we control these past issues?

For me, there was no controlling--it's past, it's done, and the hurt can either weigh you down forever, or you can find a way to look forward and try to overcome it bit by bit. When I try to control things too much, my stress skyrockets, my anxiety goes with it, high energy state means a depression fall right after. Depression usually means total shut down and burn out.

I'm not saying this is true of everyone, but I am saying that perhaps to surrender to the idea that you have hurts and to dress those wounds is smarter than constantly reliving the past. Use what you've experienced as something that you learn from.-though I'm not saying either that I'm particularly *good* at it. (Yet).

Just one thought--often in situations like this, I used to fantasize that everything would be rosy perfect with my family that I was born to and surrendered from. But sometimes fantasies are more comforting than the reality--and if you seek your identity from them, you will 100% always fail. No person can tell you who you are. But I think this is something you learn from snapping out of codependence too. I've seen stories of adopted people expecting all of their identity to suddenly fall into place once they find the family that relinquished their parental rights to the state, but I've never seen one of those stories ever work out. The ones that work out are the people who had a stronger sense of themselves before they search, but even then, it takes a lot of work to get through it. It's not an automatic happily ever after like they sell on TV and on film. The past may come knocking at your self-identity, but if you have a stronger sense of self, it's more about reincorporation into who you are and then giving the option if you're going to identify yourself with what you've found, rather than feeling entirely anchorless and everything spinning. (Only saying this if you plan to do the searching, 'cause I know not all adopted people feel that way.)
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« Reply #14 on: February 04, 2014, 08:07:53 PM »

Coming to this thread a little late, but it's great! Thanks Mutt for starting it and everyone else for making me think more deeply.

I'm thinking that a dysfunctional FOO trains us to respond to pain, conflict, negative feelings, even positive feelings in specific ways, with the same outcomes over and over and over. It's like a play with a specific plot. We kept acting in that play, always with the same ending, sometimes different people, but everyone playing the same roles, same lines, same crappy ending.

Most of our lives, most of our relationships, we repeat. We might change out the actors, but someone else would show up and play the same roles. Gah!

I guess this is why people say you change the script when you figure out your core dynamic. It took me having a BPD marriage to finally realize this whole theater production was even going on. I just kept thinking it was bad choice of actors.

Reparenting ourselves is hard work.







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« Reply #15 on: February 04, 2014, 08:53:18 PM »

I've read before that the reason why these break-ups with personality disorder types are so painful is because of the core stuff, deep down inside is brought up to the surface. I have had break-ups before but nothing quite like this. But this is the gift of the borderline at the end of the r/s.

This is true - just please, please be patient and kind to yourself during this process.

You seem a lot like I was - willing to dig in, do the work, let's get results!  That is good, helpful, but the core stuff and our patterns of behavior took a lot longer than 3 months to develop as such - discipline - really is so important to this process in getting it to "stick".  It is a change in lifestyle, not a quick fix - kind of like when you watch The Biggest Loser - they change their entire lifestyle and thought patterns to stay healthy and under stress - the old patterns sometimes emerge - that is ok, it is our ability to notice them and the discipline to change that is really the healing.

Hope I didn't scare you off... . I have said this before, not sure if you ever saw the movie The Matrix... . there is a line that says something to the effect of "once you take the blue pill, you cannot go back to the old world"... . now that you are digging into this stuff - going back won't work like it did either.


I appreciate the warning SB and I agree with you. I'm an analytical and curious person by nature, I have the need to make sense of things.

I feel a little better lately because I've made some small decisions in how I want to move on. Focusing on myself and my kids, I plan to move in a few months after the kids start getting adjusted with shared custody. I want to find something to occupy my time when they are with mom on the alternate week. Maybe I'll look into martial arts, for something that is physical but also for mental focus. Maybe a cooking class or an art class. That's the short term stuff to take the focus off the ex and steer the ship in another direction. But I don't want to fall into the trappings of a euphoric phase either.

I've been separated for 12 months. I choose to remain single for another 12. I'm not ready to get into something else, I have different priorities but I have the time to work on this.

I absolutely agree with you. Work on this slowly. It's not a quick fix, and there's no quick solution. Heck, look at how quickly my ex moves through things and how disastrous is she?

I can sum up my r/s with the ex in about a paragraph.

During the idealization phase and honeymoon phase. My ex had reached that lonely child inside. No one had done that, not even myself. I don't have to describe what it feels like during the idealization phase with a BPD. It felt like a drug.

The honeymoon was for a few months. When the attention turned from me to her, for 7 1/2 years I waited for that nice person to come back. Why did I stick it out for that long, waiting for it get back to that stage? That lonely child inside. I let a mentally ill person get to that place and wanted that same person to come back and reach me to that level.

I want to see what I can do, when I reach that lonely boy myself.



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« Reply #16 on: February 04, 2014, 09:22:35 PM »

Excerpt
You raise a good question. How can we control these past issues?

For me, there was no controlling--it's past, it's done, and the hurt can either weigh you down forever, or you can find a way to look forward and try to overcome it bit by bit. When I try to control things too much, my stress skyrockets, my anxiety goes with it, high energy state means a depression fall right after. Depression usually means total shut down and burn out.

I'm not saying this is true of everyone, but I am saying that perhaps to surrender to the idea that you have hurts and to dress those wounds is smarter than constantly reliving the past. Use what you've experienced as something that you learn from.-though I'm not saying either that I'm particularly *good* at it. (Yet).

Just one thought--often in situations like this, I used to fantasize that everything would be rosy perfect with my family that I was born to and surrendered from. But sometimes fantasies are more comforting than the reality--and if you seek your identity from them, you will 100% always fail. No person can tell you who you are. But I think this is something you learn from snapping out of codependence too. I've seen stories of adopted people expecting all of their identity to suddenly fall into place once they find the family that relinquished their parental rights to the state, but I've never seen one of those stories ever work out. The ones that work out are the people who had a stronger sense of themselves before they search, but even then, it takes a lot of work to get through it. It's not an automatic happily ever after like they sell on TV and on film. The past may come knocking at your self-identity, but if you have a stronger sense of self, it's more about reincorporation into who you are and then giving the option if you're going to identify yourself with what you've found, rather than feeling entirely anchorless and everything spinning. (Only saying this if you plan to do the searching, 'cause I know not all adopted people feel that way.)

At around the age of 30, I thought it was time for me to start searching for my biological mother. I thought, I'm missing a piece of the puzzle inside and I want to find that piece.

I went in expecting nothing. If I get no response from the adoption agency, well I've gone 30 years without know, but I tried.

I got lucky. I found a mother that did want me but she was young at the time and I understand the circumstances and the decision that she made at that time of her life.

I have a strong r/s with her and she has been tremendously supportive, where I don't get that from my adoptive family. To me my adoptive family is always going to be my real family, but there's a place for my other family in my life as well. If that makes sense.

I don't think that's trying to control the past. It's understanding where you come from and letting go of that past.

My ex would be an extreme example. She chooses to deny what her issues are and she repeats the same mistakes and patterns over and over, hoping that the next r/s is going to fix things. I wish to certain degree that I could be one that fits in that camp "ignorance is bliss" but by nature, I can't do it.

I believe that I do have control. I have control to my future, but, I think that if I don't want to stumble into the same chaotic painful mess again, I want to go back to the past. I'm smart enough to not deny my intuition now to  Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post) but I can't say that I won't fail at another r/s, I won't get divorced again, but I want to experience some real change.
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« Reply #17 on: February 04, 2014, 09:28:04 PM »

Most of our lives, most of our relationships, we repeat. We might change out the actors, but someone else would show up and play the same roles. Gah!

Bingo.

Thank you livednlearned.
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« Reply #18 on: February 05, 2014, 01:57:12 PM »

Great stuff, Mutt, and all the responders.  It takes a lot of courage to dig in, I commend you.

I'd like to second SB's comments about feeling the pain in that core wound and reparenting yourself.  It was a very strange concept to me, too, but very worthwhile.  I asked my T how to do this, how do I learn something I don't know how to do?  And she said "just like anything else, you read about it, talk to me about it, trial and error, etc."  I was kind of floored, because it was such a practical and straightforward approach 

I also feel that core wounds don't necessarily need to "heal," if that means go away.  For a long time, I wanted the pain of my core "something is wrong with me" feeling to disappear.  I thought then I could/would be whole.  I don't believe or need that now.  Resistance to ever feeling that wound again would cut me off from other, wonderful feelings, too.  I want to be available to all my feelings and learn how to ride those waves with grace.  It certainly isn't easy, but very worth it, imo.

I think knowing where our issues stem from is important, but it's only a step.  I think changing our behavior to a new pattern requires allowing ourselves to feel the hurt of present and past, and learning to give ourselves what we need now (needed then).  Like you, I'm working on it.   
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« Reply #19 on: February 05, 2014, 03:39:15 PM »

Great stuff, Mutt, and all the responders. 

I agree heartandwhole.

I'd like to thank Want2know as well.

I'm starting to connect the dots.

As I mentioned previously that my dad was invalidating, didn't show emotions and I didn't feel love from him. I did sense it from my mother that passed away.

I was angry at him for a lot of years and it wasn't until my 30's that I had let go of that anger for him. Why be angry at someone that isn't going to reciprocate or even know that you are angry at him? I had just told myself that someone people are incapable of change and he is who he is.

But it's more than that. It's the validation that I did not receive from him in the past that I desperately sought out in r/s'. I had even allowed myself to stay in an abusive relationship to get that validation.

Letting go of the anger a decade ago was not enough. It's the effect that he had on me when I was a child that still affected me today.

I'm sure that there is more there, but my father is a large part of my core issues.

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« Reply #20 on: February 05, 2014, 03:51:55 PM »

I was angry at him for a lot of years and it wasn't until my 30's that I had let go of that anger for him. Why be angry at someone that isn't going to reciprocate or even know that you are angry at him? I had just told myself that someone people are incapable of change and he is who he is.

I had this with my mom (likely BPD that I know now); dealt with the surface part in T (anger and forgiveness).  Anger was an easy emotion for me as it was allowed in my childhood.  Sadness, was not - tears, nope.  So I learned anger was ok for coping in areas where hurt and sadness were the actual emotions.

But it's more than that. It's the validation that I did not receive from him in the past that I desperately sought out in r/s'. I had even allowed myself to stay in an abusive relationship to get that validation.

When I met my pwBPD, I had thought that I dealt with my childhood stuff - and the truth is I had peeled a layer of the onion.  It wasn't until BPD that I was emotionally distraught enough to peel the next layer, I had blocked it out so effectively.  It wasn't until the breakup of my BPD marriage that I even had the access to the emotions or verbiage to go to this place in T... . it has been a process and I am fundamentally changed from it.  Not in a dramatic way - in a solid way - not sure that I am describing it very well.


Letting go of the anger a decade ago was not enough. It's the effect that he had on me when I was a child that still affected me today.

I'm sure that there is more there, but my father is a large part of my core issues.

Children crave validation and that they "matter".  When our primary caregivers only do this with conditions or randomly or not at all; our attachments to what is healthy (these are neurons in the brain) are the same adult attachments we look for - only to render the same results... . someone unhealthy that we are looking for validation we matter rather than 2 healthy independent adults building an life that is now interdependent.

This is deep stuff - most people have it to some degree or another (seriously, with your analytic mind you will love Drama of the Gifted Child).

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« Reply #21 on: February 05, 2014, 04:27:13 PM »

This is deep stuff - most people have it to some degree or another (seriously, with your analytic mind you will love Drama of the Gifted Child).

Thank you seeking balance. I'm going to check out that book.

I never thought that I would find my father from coming to these boards because of the breakdown of a marriage with an abusive woman that I suspect has a mental illness.

An emotionally distant, domineering man that I love. All I wanted from him as a child was, attention.
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« Reply #22 on: February 05, 2014, 09:11:00 PM »

I'm going through the link that was provided to me by Want2know about co-dependency.

When Our Emotional Issues Affect Our True Availability

Excerpt
In fact, they found that if you were raised in a dysfunctional family or had an ill parent, you’re likely codependent.

I had both and I was adopted into that family. My mother was ill for a year and half in the early 80's and passed away from cancer. I was 8 at the time. I've read several articles on the internet that there is a good chance that if you are with a borderline that there is a good chance that your mother was one.

I don't think my mom is a "full blown" BPD, but she definitely has several of the traits. Her severe (and I mean severe) depression and hoarding tendencies tend to overshadow the other traits. I came to realize she and my X are a lot alike emotionally, though my X is far higher functioning. So yes, I agree with this... . which is why I fear for my son.

My mom would hit or rage, and I escaped or shut down. Being the single child of a single parent, this was easy, especially with a mother who worked nights. I was a latch key kid, the self-soother. My mom even noticed some kind of attachment issue when she adopted me at 2.5 years, though she was surprised later how easily I accepted she was my mother. Parents--->grandparents--->foster care---> mom by the time I was 2.5. It set me, and I find the study of Attachment fascinating, especially observing my own young children and imagining how different they would be if I treated them differently from babyhood. So much pain and dysfunction in the world... . and most of it comes from our FOO. I only know my mother's FOO back to her evil monster of a father (who died like 17 years before I was born). I also know my X's FOO back to her grandmother... . who I think now may have also been BPD. So that's three generations! *feh* this stuff may go back to Adam, the first co-dependent.
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« Reply #23 on: February 17, 2014, 11:11:29 PM »

Wow Mutt, I have recently started to face the fact that my own mum has BPD, she is still living, my father ( devout catholic), and I also had a very strained relationship, he was emotionally unavailable to me, I cant remember being told I was loved,we hugged a few awkward times... .

My mother was/ is a very critical,negative person, a hard lady some might say, her own mother was an alcoholic, my T explained that children of alcoholics build very high walls, defences against the world, I can really identify with your statements about being lonely as a child... .

This is powerfull stuff, you look at the photo albums and see smiling faces, there is so much more underneath...

Lessons we can teach our own children, to guide them,so that they dont repeat our mistakes.
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« Reply #24 on: February 17, 2014, 11:49:07 PM »

my T explained that children of alcoholics build very high walls, defences against the world, I can really identify with your statements about being lonely as a child... .

I'm sorry about your mother recycledNOmore and your father.

I'm lucky that my adoptive mother was a loving and caring person, I sensed that from her when I was a child. I believe that my mother instilled the qualities that I value today. I believe the landscape would be very different, unfortunately she passed away and the time that I did have with her was enough of an impact on my life.

Your statement about walls, it's something that I had forgotten but thank you for reminding me recycledNOmore. You are correct and that comment resonates with me. It's amazing how many things we forget (at least I did) as time passes on, maybe it's repressed ( I believe this to be true) and it erupts to the surface when a r/s with a borderline ends. I made the consciousness effort of feeling this pain, letting myself go through it, even though I wasn't sure where it was all coming from and why. I found answers here on these boards, from people like us and from the articles. I'm thankful for that. It will take time, and I'll work through it in therapy.

The lonely child for me is a big one. I can honestly say that my ex touched that lonely child that was starved from attention, validation, acceptance, unconditional love. These things I had lost after my mother had passed away and my father was a widower, not a nurturer for children by any means.

That's the whole reason why I got attached to my ex. She touched me in that place and the idealization was something that I had never felt before in my life. It was too good to be true, but it sure felt good for the little while that I lasted. 

Everything after she left was hard, it's going to take time to go through this, I'm starting over again due to the divorce. I can see myself in a few years from now, being light years away from where I am in life.

Lessons we can teach our own children, to guide them,so that they dont repeat our mistakes.

You are 1000% correct. My kids will be given a better chance and they will have a father that has broken out of a toxic relationship (FOG) and will be able to nurture them and guide them through their pain with a borderline personality disorded mother. I'll have to deal with the fallout from mom, but I'll be a stronger person and more than eager to take on that task. My kids are the world to me. They'll have their issues, dad is dysfunctional, but they'll have a better chance than I did.

I'm glad that you have identified your FOO issues. It's a key to recovery. Thank you for sharing.

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« Reply #25 on: February 21, 2014, 07:23:34 AM »

It is amazing how much we forget/ block out mutt,Im in a similar stage of remembering and going through the pain of the past,really big issues that I had stuffed away during the r/s, on purpose I suspect,its hard but i feel a sence of relief/ achievement when I get to the otherside of things,

Im so glad for you and your kids that you are able to recognise your issues and are activley doing something to change,I cant imagine how difficult it must be to have had children with a pwBPD,at least they have you though dad, you will be as inspiring to them as your adoptive mum was to you... .

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« Reply #26 on: February 21, 2014, 08:55:29 AM »

It is amazing how much we forget/ block out mutt,Im in a similar stage of remembering and going through the pain of the past,really big issues that I had stuffed away during the r/s, on purpose I suspect,its hard but i feel a sence of relief/ achievement when I get to the otherside of things,

I feel the same way, i feel like the sense of achievement is outweighs the pain. Do you feel the same?

Im so glad for you and your kids that you are able to recognise your issues and are activley doing something to change,I cant imagine how difficult it must be to have had children with a pwBPD,at least they have you though dad, you will be as inspiring to them as your adoptive mum was to you... .

It's not easy. The only way that I can deal with my ex is through court orders. I tried every other way and it does not work. I have been separated a year today. I'm in a different place than I was a year ago. I have learned a lot about boundaries and disengaging from this forum and it has made the process with dealing with the ex a lot easier. I'm still working on it, but I can see the benefits.

Thank you for the compliment recycledNOmore, it re-enforces me in that I'm on the right path with the kiddos. It means a lot.
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« Reply #27 on: February 23, 2014, 03:43:13 AM »

Dear Mutt, I certainly do feel as if the sence of achievement outweighs the pain, It carries through the whole of my experience with the pwBPD, months ago when I was feeling devastated the scales were tipped dramatically, I felt semi suicidal,like nothing would ever be good in my life again, through the months the scales have balanced out somewhat,I am happier and have a sence of direction, of progress.

How are you feeling about your one year separation mark? You explained you have learned alot about boundrys,Im almost embarrased to say that previously I didnt have any:) I too am working on that aspect and feel proud of myself for doing so, as should you my friend:)

One year Mutt, its something to celebrate,look how far youve come... .

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