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Author Topic: Believing in oneself or narcissism?  (Read 3751 times)
Rebuilding me
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« on: February 06, 2014, 04:05:03 AM »

I was directed to posts from poster 2010. Good stuff. I started  a new thread, but it relates  to my thread on heart catching up to mind, I just posted! Being a dreamer and idealist is who I have been! I see my rescuing traits and self sacrificing mentality, and co-dependency, but the question of narcissism bugs me. Am I?  I just always believed  I was a caring  person, ya maybe I thought good about  myself because I saw so many self centers people in my  life!

In  a reply on another thread from 2010  it was stated a narcissist needs the mirroring to be self validated as a rescuer in order to be fulfilled! The narcissist ends up also having high expectations of the partner, which eventually can't be fulfilled! (Mirror shattering) we all know the rest! This bugs me because how do I know in my rebuilding of self, what is just projection of self inadequates of my xuBPDgf and what may be my narcissistic  traits! I found out about BPD recently and I still sent her that text  (cold and heartless) which she was! I was unsure to send it, I didn't want to hurt her, but I sent it as a justification! Not being let off the hook! Let her know what I felt! It was like turning a page for me! No more apologies, standing up for myself and the truth!  I do feel bad because I just validated her BPD thought process! Than I am caught  in the cycle  of feeling bad and wanting to apologize. It must be NC until I heal, sh!t I'm sure she can handle a little cold hard truth!Geez it is all so tiring! Anyhow I do think I am special, don't self help books tell us to believe in ourselves?



How do you rally know What is projection what is real?

And where is the line between narcissism and self confidence?

I used to tell her  it's not being cocky if it's true!  I was joking around, but now all this has got me  in a head spin! I think I'm asking the right questions, but how deep does the rabbit hole go?
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Murbay
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« Reply #1 on: February 06, 2014, 07:16:40 AM »

To many people, the word narcissism is a dirty word. Nobody wants to be labelled with being called a narcissist and what we tend to do is fight against it, which causes further problems.

In truth, we all are in some ways and there is nothing wrong with a healthy dose of narcissism. Where it becomes a problem is when it starts affecting other people, such as believing yourself to be better than someone else or trying to control other people.

Self confidence is a form of narcissism and is a healthy form. Belief in yourself and your abilities is a great quality to have.

As a rescuer (which I fall into that category as do many others) it can be seen as a form of narcissism too. We have a belief that we can accomplish and fix what everybody else can't. Again, nothing wrong with trying but where it does become an issue is when we start to get frustrated about it or try and take control over someone elses feelings. Ask yourself how many times you have done something nice for someone and been frustrated because you didn't get the validation that you felt you deserved. It happens to all of us at some point but the difference between a dose of narcissism and being a narcissist is that we can take that step back and question our own thinking.

Narcissists lack empathy, they do not care what other people are feeling but as you mentioned in your post about being caught in the cycle of feeling bad and wanting to apologise, that comes from guilt which is something narcissists don't tend to posses. They can feel guilty but they will project that onto someone else in a similar way to pwBPD.

As for what is projection, that is a really tough one to navigate, sometimes it is obvious and sometimes it's not. All I would suggest is to observe your feelings and emotions and work with them. The more you do that, the more you understand if those feelings and emotions are attributed to you and your thinking or if they aren't yours to own.

I remember bursting into tears in my T's office and him asking what exactly was upsetting me. I talked through the situation and as I did, it became clear that my ex wasn't the cause of the upset, her actions triggered my own ego and that's what was upsetting. The actions were her responsibility but the emotions were mine to own and based on that, had I held a solid boundary, it wouldn't have put her in a position to carry out the action. It didn't make her actions right but the responsibility of placing the boundary and upholding it were mine.

It can be a minefield to deal with. If you haven't already, I would suggest maybe looking into therapy to help you. It works wonders with unravelling the questions we have going around in our heads and helps put things into perspective.
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growing_wings
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« Reply #2 on: February 06, 2014, 09:11:05 AM »

excellent explanation from Murbay!

all i would say, lets learn the difference between Toxic Narcissisim and healty self confidence. Toxic narcissism is very damaging, and at the core of the problem is a lack of a well defined inner self. Narcissists can be so empty they NEED to feed on others to survive. We all need enough self care-, self confidence to survive in the world.

healthy balance is KEY.
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whatathing
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« Reply #3 on: February 06, 2014, 10:16:55 AM »

I think there´s a difference between NPD and narcissistic traits. NPD is a personality distrubance, which implies lack of empathy, extreme rigidity, self-centeredness, etc., a very primary personality structure that doesn´t allow for a true reciprocal, healthy communicating, emotional mature, r/s.

But in the case of narcissistic traits without NPD, there can be some similar reactions, there can be a need for narcissistic supply from others, but with a much higher capacity to develop healthy patterns, question oneself, reach insights about oneself, relate healthier to others, reflect about the r/s and process emotional information, etc...
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