Control

[Take2]

So despite the fact that my ex is dating someone new and is "exclusive" (allegedly) with her and all that... .  he texted me from his freaking date this week with her to tell me that he does love me and he's sorry... .  he texted me a picture from her living room as some kind of proof that he wasn't sleeping with her that night... .

I get it - he's trying to keep me in the Triangulation and not let me heal enough to stop being engaged - which obviously I have done a poor job at doing... .  

Well, yesterday I agreed to talk to him at lunch (we work together) so as we walked out to the car, he walked waaaay faster than me, despite my asking him to slow down.  In the car, I point blank told him that I know that was a tactic of his to try and exert control over me and put me "in my place" (he has often told me about such tactics so that's what instantly made me think of it.)  Of course he flipped out at that accusation of mine that he is controlling and kicked me out of the car.  I calmly went back inside to work.

This morning he texted me that he's bothered that I will be alone on Valentines DAy and that while he wishes he didn't have plans (date with new GF), he is bothered because I might actually go out ~!

I had to laugh out loud as I worked out when that text came in... .  He is trying to control me from going out when I will be alone and he will be with new GF... .   it's flat out comical... .  

But I'm actually curious about how long his control will last.  As long as I continue to respond to him?  I would suspect is the answer... . ?  Actually I think it will last longer once I FINALLY cut out ALL communication - because I know there will be an extinction burst.  I guess I have some true concern over how that might go.  And just curious if anyone here has experienced the continued attempts to control even after they have dumped you and moved on... .

[seeking balance]

But I'm actually curious about how long his control will last.  As long as I continue to respond to him?  I would suspect is the answer... . ?  Actually I think it will last longer once I FINALLY cut out ALL communication - because I know there will be an extinction burst.  I guess I have some true concern over how that might go.  And just curious if anyone here has experienced the continued attempts to control even after they have dumped you and moved on... .

Looks like you answered all of your own questions Take2.

Questions for you:

How long are you going to keep doing your part of the dance?

Do you REALLY think, after all the posts you have read here - that you are going to be able to control his extinction burst?  You can only control your boundaries... . to control them, you have to know what they are.

I imagine you gotta be tired of the same version of this over and over, right?

[myself]

Of course he flipped out at that accusation of mine that he is controlling and kicked me out of the car.

How uncontrolled of him. AND extremely controlling.

When I traded the illusions that weren't working for the truth, my ex reacted the same way yours did. Controlled as much of the r/s (car) as she could, destroying it, while I got out and walked away. No one can survive in that kind of environment.

But I'm actually curious about how long his control will last.  As long as I continue to respond to him?  I would suspect is the answer... . ?  

 It's less about his control and more and more and more about yours.

And just curious if anyone here has experienced the continued attempts to control even after they have dumped you and moved on... .

Yes. She wants to ___ up the rest of my life but I'm not going to let it happen.

[santa]

He only has control if you give it to him.

If you don't give a damn about anything he thinks or says, then he has no control.

[love4meNOTu]

Nope... my ex had no control over me when we were married, and none now.

You can take your power back any time you want. That's the beauty of it.



L

[Take2]

So obvious right ?

So why do I keep giving him this control... .

Sometimes I guess I do need the obvious pointed out... .   I think it scares me to not let him be in control.  Geeze that's so messed up... .

[santa]

So obvious right ?

So why do I keep giving him this control... .

Sometimes I guess I do need the obvious pointed out... .   I think it scares me to not let him be in control.  Geeze that's so messed up... .

When he's been in control, where has it gotten you? Obviously that's not working. Try something else. Maybe you try being in control for awhile.

[loz1982]

Yes control didn't stop happening even after I had left, he was trying to control my mum coming to help when the baby is born saying he didn't want her help even though we are broken up. So already trying to control the phantom babies upbringing! Also telling me how I should handle my friends saying I seem to make more effort than them so I need to back off and not see them as much. How I should start dating again and how to run my relationship with my parents still. He basically tells me how to run my life and that I have to grow up and he can't wait around till I do. His controlling tendencies are a massive part of our demise! He did admit to me he thought I would always come back, a friend even said he had said the same to her, I gave him a big scare in May nearly left for good but came back, you think he would've learnt but I think he was that confident in my feelings for him he felt invincible no matter what damaging things he did and said! I think he really struggles with the fact that I'm in control now and I haven't given in. Maybe his attacks of my character is proof of him trying to gain it back, insinuating he wants someone different I don't respect you etc makes me think he doesn't care. I just had an ephinany, do you think that's why he is acting like that to gain control back?

[arn131arn]

Can someone please explain what an extinction burst is, please? Sorry but it sounds like something I would like my ex to experience! Lol! Thanks

[Take2]

You know Santa... . I have tried and was actually making good progress last month.  I felt strong again.  I slid so far backward after I found out he had a new GF and had been lying to me for months about it.  You'd think that would have made me feel even stronger but nope not me.

I really fell apart.   I am starting to feel a tiny bit better now.  

I want to take control.  I want to be in control.   I think I actually must feel like his control is a form of showing me that he cares.  And I guess I have been lonely enough lately to even take that over nothing.

a lot to work on for myself... .

[love4meNOTu]

hi again hon...

No control is all about control.

It's not about love. My exhusband "said" he loved me. He did not. He just used those words to control me. I don't think anything a pwBPD does is about love, it's about need, especially once devaluation starts.

Once devaluation starts there is no going back to the "highs" of idealization. We want it, and crave the person we thought we knew, but the truth is we were just falling in love with a mirror of ourselves. That's what a pwBPD does. They do not have a sense of self, they rely upon others to do that for them, which is why they can't be alone. If they were alone they would feel an empty pit of despair.

I'm just guessing, but I think that your ex is keeping you around just in case the new supply does not work out or is smart enough to sense that there is something wrong with him, and leaves.

I know how badly this hurts, how these truths may seem so hard to believe. All I can say to you is that you will get through it with time and support. And now you have the opportunity to look deep inside yourself, and find out why you were so attracted to someone who really wasn't good for you.

Hugs,

L