giving them a taste of their own medicine

[bluebasket321]

I know this may be a bit immature and probably not recommended, but have any of you ever tried using a BP behavior on your BP? You know, just to see how they would respond to being treated the way they treat others?

Just curious if anyone has done it and what the outcome was... .

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[hergestridge]

I don't know if I've ever done that, but I've told by BPDw so many times to imagine what it would be like if I treated her the way she treats me.

In all seriousness she thinks the question is strange and kind of irrellevant; "... . but you're not me!".

I really think it's down to their brains working differently. They're locked into their own perspective, unable to fully take the perspective of others. DBT involves creating an artificial kind of empathy through "mentalization", but that's not automatic like for normal people.

Giving them "their own medicine" would propably be perceived as an unfair attack, totally unrelated to the things they do to others. Even if they would have it explained to them afterwards, they would most likely see it as a cruel experiment (which it would be... . kind of).

[bruceli]

I've gaslighted a couple of times.  The reason for some of the bigger rages.  Remember, they can do it to you, but don't you dare do it to them.

[joethemechanic]

I've disappeared, she gets frantic. She says "You always answer your calls". She just doesn't get it that normal people answer calls from their significant other.

[Iwilldecide]

I've tried to use plenty of psychology on mine. I told him what I love most about him is how much he loves and adores me and if that ever ended and if he stopped loving me I would be able to move on quickly and find someone else at lightning speed. Totally immature I know. However I saw his eyes flash a little fear. That was one time. I constantly tell him how I love him forever and would never leave him to kill his abandonment fears but I find I get decent behavior because of the first comment. I think they like to test us more when they feel we are on their grips and it's important to stay strong enough to be able to move on if need be.  They sense that and hold on tighter

[OldnTired]

I wouldn't necessarily recommend doing this but I have done it once with my uBPDSO with a successful outcome. We were having terrible arguments because he was accusing me of always criticising him in front of our friends. He kept saying he didn't ever criticise me so I shouldn't criticise him.

I tried to rationalise it by saying couples often said things about each other when socialising. That was a bad idea as it just invalidated his feelings, and he raged.

We have friends - Mr and Mrs Adored who apparently never ever do that either  (Ha Ha for sure!)  so I was the only person ever doing it. All very carefully thought out you see! It became a nightmare and I was barely able to speak to our friends without the evening ending in a fight about some comment I had made which he couldn't even remember.

I didn't even know back then what the real problem was but I hit upon an idea. When he did criticise me I picked him up on it immediately. For example   "Oh, OldnTired has no sense of direction and gets lost easily." -  I'd say "That sounds very critical. Are you criticising me in front of our friends?". I had to do that straight away a bit like you chastise a puppy so they know what they have done wrong. After 6 times he seemed to take it on board. It cleared that particular problem but I don't know if I'd try that again now I know what the real difficulty is. Also our friends must have thought I was being really weird for picking him up like that in front of them!

[elemental]

mine has a long history of showing an outward appearance of a thick skin.

If I were to retaliate with some of the actions my boyfriend has inflicted on me,  he would dump me probably. I don't cheat and lie or act only in my own interest, though, and I have no inclination towards those things, except maybe I am slightly deceptive at times witholding thoughts or feelings and pretending I am not having them.

I have very successfully returned silence for silence lately, and entirely removed myself as best I can from situations where I feel I am being mistreated. Simply, go silent and leave, blocking access to me for 4-5 days. When I return he has been conciliatory and expressed support and willingness to pay more attention to his own moods.

This is not natural behavior from my own character. I am getting beyond reflexive reactions and instead forcing myself to do what works.  Not there all the way, but I understand it intellectually, and often am able to follow through.

[joshbjoshb]

I wouldn't necessarily recommend doing this but I have done it once with my uBPDSO with a successful outcome. We were having terrible arguments because he was accusing me of always criticising him in front of our friends. He kept saying he didn't ever criticise me so I shouldn't criticise him.

I tried to rationalise it by saying couples often said things about each other when socialising. That was a bad idea as it just invalidated his feelings, and he raged.

We have friends - Mr and Mrs Adored who apparently never ever do that either  (Ha Ha for sure!)  so I was the only person ever doing it. All very carefully thought out you see! It became a nightmare and I was barely able to speak to our friends without the evening ending in a fight about some comment I had made which he couldn't even remember.

I didn't even know back then what the real problem was but I hit upon an idea. When he did criticise me I picked him up on it immediately. For example   "Oh, OldnTired has no sense of direction and gets lost easily." -  I'd say "That sounds very critical. Are you criticising me in front of our friends?". I had to do that straight away a bit like you chastise a puppy so they know what they have done wrong. After 6 times he seemed to take it on board. It cleared that particular problem but I don't know if I'd try that again now I know what the real difficulty is. Also our friends must have thought I was being really weird for picking him up like that in front of them!

This is very helpful to me. She once yelled at me in front of my friend, and I was stunned and said nothing. I should have said instead something to the tune of "relax, if you want to talk to me you gotta relax first"

[IsItHerOrIsItMe]

This does not work... . I used to do this regularly before finding this site... .

My uBPDw would ask me the same questions day in and day out... . ":)id you talk to your ex-wife today".  Now I've been married 4 years and in that time I've talked to my ex 4 times, always in the presence of my wife.  When I'd ask why she continually asks well, it's a different day and how will she know if she doesn't ask... .

So I started asking her ":)id you sleep with any large men while I was at work today?".  She would ask why I would ask that and I'd tell her well, it's a different day and how will I know if I don't ask.

She has no capability to look at it logically.   I've also tried to saying the exact sentences back to her with our names reversed, she can see how silly it sounds that way but there's no understanding that it's silly both ways... .

[elemental]

Ha, this reminds me of some little story told in the book ( if I recall right) Stranger in a Strange Land.  Within the book, there was a philosophical thought that what you can directly observe is what you know exists. So one character says to another: what color is that house.  The second person answered very technically, it's white. On this side.

The point being that they had not seen the other sides and the house may be a different color on those other sides. An idea that logically makes sense, but tends in practice to be ridiculous.

[PaulaJeanne]

In your heart you know nothing will ever work with them. Play the games, try to give them the dose of their own medicine. They wont' see it logically they'll only see it as some kind of betrayal by you. As Elvis said... . we're caught in a trap... . we can't go back... . because I love you too much baby;

Us nons either need to get strong, healthy & gone... . or figure a way to deal with torment forever... for those of us committed to trying (because of kids, money, etc) it's all about making our lives better, and dealing but not engaging with theirs.

[123Phoebe]

A situation arose last week where my partner got up and left suddenly.  We weren't fighting or anything, we were having a good time, but he just decided (rather abruptly, if you ask me... ) that he was going to get going.

 

I said 'Okay, that's that', reflecting his statement.  

He asked 'What?'  

I said again, 'Okay, that's that'.  

Him- ':)o you have an issue with it?  Said kinda accusingly.

Me- 'No, no issues here'.

Made some small talk and he was on his way... .

About an hour later he called to apologize for making the 'issues comment'.  Said he was sorry, that he had gotten some concerning news about a family member earlier in the day.  It was on his mind and bothering him.  We talked about it and all was/is fine with us.  And the family member!  Thank goodness; it was a pretty awful situation.

I'm the closest person to him and the old saying that we take things out on those we love the most can ring pretty loudly with him.  I knew his 'issue' wasn't with me and that I wasn't the issue, so when he was able to reconcile whatever was going on he'd let me know, which he did.

I didn't give him a taste of his own medicine necessarily, but let him feel his actions by reflecting them back to him while staying calm.

There's a lot to be said for not making things worse.  And not everything needs to be discussed or figured out right then and there.  He let me know when he was ready and I can accept and respect that.