I broke no contact

[fuzz]

I am fairly new here.  A bit more info. for you and sorry this may be a little long. I was with a man I believe now to have BPD although he had recently been diagnosed with Bipolar.  On researching certain stumbling blocks with the relationship I came across this site, and am sure he has BPD.  This site has really helped me understand the love me/hate me relationship, he has many of the traits that are repeated here and I know it was emotional/mental abuse.  Not physical.  I ended the relationship at Christmastime, at the end of my tether, though he still wanted to see me and begged for (another) one more chance as I was the only person who cared enough to help him etc. etc.  Yet We had recycled many times in the two and a half years.  He wanted to see the Pdoc and wanted me with him to see him through, but I did say that it would be a lifetime commitment to sort this thing out.  He was ok to start but in a short space of time he gave up with the mood stabilising meds.  He never really got to the other aspects of self help.  And to be honest, after 2 years of constantly trying to placate him and still take the abuse, making allowances etc. I was not really in the right place to be 'the right person' yet.  I felt I needed time and space to get over the initial damage - get myself straight before taking on this big change that would have to be worked on.  I have learnt through this site that I am a trigger just by being me.   But he 'needed' me there before and after diagnosis, how could I abandon him at that time?  So I felt I should be by his side although I was feeling very wary yet supportive... .   I even tried to maintain some stability in his life by letting him stay with me at my place, where he always wanted to be.  But soon enough, the meds weren't working and things he spiralled downwards until he blew up at me, wiping the floor with me, mirroring and bellowing, it was back to the same old, blame, self-beating etc.  and I was so taken aback by it, although I had had these attacks many times before, but I actually said not to come back, this time.  In my mind I was not ready, and he had the tools to stop this happening.   There was a lot of trust lost (funny, I read here about having ex's in their lives still and facebook girls which there was always an issue with and he would get angry if I questioned!)  When I first posted here I felt I needed to explain to him - and apologise - that I really wasn't in the right place to help so quickly with the transition from the destructive relationship to one of him wanting to get help... . for me, although I always said he should be doing it for himself not for me, and as he is over 60 I even pushed as to why he would want to change now.  He said he loved me, I am the only one he really felt he loved and wanted to be with forever!  I have learnt a lot from this site and must say that I am so glad I found bpdfamily, has really helped.  Today I learnt that he may have another woman and this has made me break my own enforced nc,  I really felt that as I have been quite depressed that this is the time to talk to him about why I had to end it.  Not to get back together but because of all the guilt I have felt and the non-closure, this is something I have felt I wanted to do since the split up, but today that news made the time seem right to contact him.  So I left a voicemail earlier today, also saying that I know we have both moved on, but I had things I needed to talk to him about.    And as I am reaching the end of this post, funnily enough I just got a text, some three hours after my contacting him, he seemed quite pleased to have heard from me and will see me after the weekend as he is away!   At least he replied.  Why have I been so depressed, and guilty?  I have learnt so much here, but the sick feeling does not go so easy. So good to read many eye-opening and validating posts, but although I feel I understand more - it really is something not so easy get over. Thanks to everyone here, reading posts have helped made sense of what had been going on with the r/s.

[ShadowDancer]

Fuzz you are completely correct in your gut assumption... . why and how to change now? This is LIFE LONG JUNK. The way I see it... . over 60... . still playing the ladies... . odds are... . less than zero for any rational closure. If as you say you have been learning from the experiences of this board you will abundantly know this is the very thing you are NOT going to get.

Just goes to show... . do they "mellow out with age"? Me thinks not.

Meeting with him at this juncture... . wise?

[fuzz]

Yes, good question.  But I really feel I need to explain to him as it ended so differently this, and I am sure, the last time.   My life with him seemed to have been  me always having to explain myself, it's like he needs so much attention, and yes all about him with his abandonment/rejection issues.  I could talk til the cows come home saying I'm not going anywhere etc.  and he still wouldn't believe anybody could love him.  My explaining has had no positive effect whatsoever. Although I am beginning to think, as learnt here, maybe I was getting too close to seeing the real him.    But I do think I need to tell him at this time just to make myself feel better.  Not sure how I can say it without hurting him, (not because it hurts, but because of how he is only interested in if I love him or not!) but I really do need to try for me.  Does that make sense? 

[fromheeltoheal]

Hi fuzz-

Welcome, and yes, there's a lot of value here.  You mentioned you ended the relationship at Christmas, but still communicating with him, after a couple of years of break-up/make-up.  Time to ask some real questions:

Does he respect you?

Do you trust him?

Is a relationship with him going to work long term?

If the answers are no, it's time to shift the focus to you, as you process what happened, detach and heal.  That's hard, but not impossible, to do while you're still communicating with him.  If your relationship was anything like mine, you were subjected to continual emotional abuse and manipulation, to the point that just talking to her about neutral things would trigger me; she really did a number on my self esteem and confidence because I let her.  There was no way to detach and heal, so I ended all communication with her, and it has taken months and months to get my feet back on the ground.  For you to decide, but you might want to consider a real decision to remove him from your life all the way and for good.  Take care of you!

[fuzz]

Thanks heeltoheal

No I don't think he respects me, he has treated me as you have been treated, even about anything neutral and insignificant.  And it is always good to hear when a certain behaviour is par for the coure, I am still sorry that you suffered that way too.  No I do not trust him, his hiding things and then anger has damaged my trust.

There has been nc for 5 weeks, the last 3 of them I have been pretty down.  I really don't understand it as I know it can't work.  But  I feel that if I can talk to him about why I just ended it , then I would be better able to move on and heal.  Even that sentence makes me wonder, but he has listened to me on the odd occasion.  I don't intend to stay in contact after, it seems quite a selfish thing, and I know it can backfire.  Well... . probably will.  Strange thing is I never expected a 'welcoming' reply.  But there's plenty of time for things to change with him again before he gets back.

Yes, really think I need to rethink actually.

Thanks again.

[fromheeltoheal]

But  I feel that if I can talk to him about why I just ended it , then I would be better able to move on and heal.  Even that sentence makes me wonder, but he has listened to me on the odd occasion.  I don't intend to stay in contact after, it seems quite a selfish thing, and I know it can backfire.  Well... . probably will.  

Yes, one thing we don't get from these relationships is closure.  I got none from mine, I bailed from a train wreck, and there were many things left unsaid.  I'm OK with that, if we could have had deep, meaningful conversations like that in the relationship with some resolution to issues it wouldn't have ended, but that was not to be.  It was better for me to stop the bleeding, any more interaction would just hurt, and then ask very seriously what would closure give me?  Was I looking for validation that it wasn't all me, for her to take some responsibility?  Was I looking for an apology?  Was I looking for some compassion and empathy from someone who never gave me those things in the relationship?  Asking those questions and coming up with my own answers has been very beneficial for me in my own growth, in fact validation, compassion and empathy have been my main focus lately, first for myself and then from others; I've never had a problem giving those things to other people, but now it's time to get.

[fuzz]

That all makes total sense to me.  Maybe it is early days for me.  I know I should be as strong as you, and underneath it all I know I can be.  But, one of the confusing things I find is that yes, this is an illness, he can't help how he is, to a point anyway (I'm not so sure he isn't NPD too) so shouldn't I just empathise?   I suppose that's where I am now, fluctuating between angry and compassionate.   Confusing, but then it was abuse.

He would have done anything for me, he said, but in the end wouldn't or couldn't.  At the moment I want him to know it wasn't all me.  I have had to go through the whole r/s in my head, and on paper.  For the first two years it was all me give and give, forgiving, allowing ,trying to help etc.  he even admitted what he was like, cried etc. until he finally got some help.  After failing with the meds and help he seemed in some kind of denial and all the problems in the r/s were suddenly all my fault.  I can understand what was going on in his head, and feel that was only fear and resentment.  Sorry for rambling, but I just don't like how it suddenly changed on the last leg, so to speak, and then I bailed out not being to take any more.

[fromheeltoheal]

It's been quite a while since I left her fuzz, and maybe you can take some reassurance from my words that you will indeed find your strength again, which you will.

I still feel compassion for my ex, who wouldn't for a beautiful person who acts like a child and is in constant pain?  But you know how when you're in an airplane and they tell you that in case of loss of cabin pressure, put your oxygen mask on first before you help your child with theirs?  Same thing applies here.  My ex was all take and no give, not because she was a selfish person, but because she was in constant pain and it's all she could do.  She would suck every last drop of energy, money and health out of me if I let her, and any compassion I showed her was just an invitation to continue.  I had to save myself, knowing she's a survivor and will find a way, probably another compassionate person, but I needed a heavy dose of self compassion, since that's the only place it would come from.

You know this guy and whether our not you think you can show compassion without being sucked in again, but focus on your needs as a means to protect yourself.  Take care of you!

[fuzz]

I can relate to everything you have just said, you words are really helping me, thanks again.

I feel sure I can't be sucked in again, but whether my compassion is welcomed or seen solely as a rejection will be out of my control.  This will be the more concerning matter, is it a risk I want to take?  I will certainly be doing a lot more thinking, and reading here, before the weekend is over.