How to set the first Boundry

[Depression = 72% of members]

This morning before my uBPDw's third sentence I knew it was going to be one of 'those' mornings.

I guess I need to practice my SET statements, because with the gradual buildup of the conversation I missed doing it before I let her get to me.

We got to the point of "you should tell me everything".  Now I just recently found this site and before now she's said she wanted full access to my email and phone.  I've told her anytime she wants to look at my phone she can, email I would have to bring it up and type my password since I get all emails using my work account.  Of course it's never enough because I 'can' erase everything incriminating so just because she has access to my phone doesn't mean I'm not arranging affairs with it when she's not with me.

Anyway, I told her this morning that no, I'm not going to commit to telling you everything, if my son asked me to not say anything about a topic I would tell him I can't promise I won't, but will keep it to myself if I don't see any harm in it.

So the rage started (literally her first comment was well then why don't I go sleep with my ex-wife) and that was proof of everything she believed.  Skip past all her ex-wife rants and my telling her that if it was about my ex-wife then yes I would tell her.  When she wanted an example of what I told her like whatever her daughter had told her that she didn't want her to share.

She said well, she can tell me that and I told her it's up to her, but I think it would be a betrayal to my step-daughter.

So after 4 years of marriage with no boundaries, how do you go about setting some limits?

[IsItHerOrIsItMe]

This morning before my uBPDw's third sentence I knew it was going to be one of 'those' mornings.

I guess I need to practice my SET statements, because with the gradual buildup of the conversation I missed doing it before I let her get to me.

We got to the point of "you should tell me everything".  Now I just recently found this site and before now she's said she wanted full access to my email and phone.  I've told her anytime she wants to look at my phone she can, email I would have to bring it up and type my password since I get all emails using my work account.  Of course it's never enough because I 'can' erase everything incriminating so just because she has access to my phone doesn't mean I'm not arranging affairs with it when she's not with me.

Anyway, I told her this morning that no, I'm not going to commit to telling you everything, if my son asked me to not say anything about a topic I would tell him I can't promise I won't, but will keep it to myself if I don't see any harm in it.

So the rage started (literally her first comment was well then why don't I go sleep with my ex-wife) and that was proof of everything she believed.  Skip past all her ex-wife rants and my telling her that if it was about my ex-wife then yes I would tell her.  When she wanted an example of what I told her like whatever her daughter had told her that she didn't want her to share.

She said well, she can tell me that and I told her it's up to her, but I think it would be a betrayal to my step-daughter.

So after 4 years of marriage with no boundaries, how do you go about setting some limits?

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[Wrongturn1]

There’s definitely hope for you 4 years into your marriage, because I was married 14 years before starting to implement the tools that I learned here and elsewhere…and I’ve seen major improvements in uBPDw’s behavior and our interactions since then.  If you want to try a SET-style response the next time she starts in with “you have to tell me everything” (and believe me, I get this one often from my wife) regarding private things that your kid(s) tell you, you might say something along the lines of the following:  “Our marriage is priority #1 for me, and I care deeply about you and about how you are feeling.  I’m hearing that you are struggling with trusting me, and I think I would feel miserable if I felt like I was unable to trust my spouse.  At the same time, there may be instances when my kid(s) need to tell me things in confidence, and I reserve the right to keep those things to myself for the well-being of the kid(s) and in the interest of maintaining a strong parent-child relationship.”

Hang in there, and keep in mind that you don’t have to deliver a statement that is 100% correct every time.  The main thing is to break out of the rut you were in and try different ways of handling the situation.  If you have not been happy with the way things have been going, it is incumbent upon you to try something different. 

[an0ught]

Hi IsItHerOrIsItMe,

with respect to boundaries it is never too late. Basically once you know you need to work hard on boundaries - something almost of us on this board have realized at some point in time - it is overdue. We are climbing out of a hole we dug ourselves over a longer period of time. Guess what: It is not smooth sailing and it does take time!

Start with a limited set of boundaries which are clear and crisp in your mind, which are defensible and matter enough so you are willing to suffer for getting them in place. E.g. sleep problems are worth fighting as when you got through it you get back all the energy you spent and more. Don't do too many at the same time as each will be a fight and you don't want too many fires to manage. Your goal is to establish a perfect 100% track record but you acknowledge you may not be getting all in place - you may lack some fundamental facts and change your view - you may not be able to pay the price that is required to get it in place. You also acknowledge that any boundary you try to establish where you give up will be very costly - you spent energy, had conflicts, given up on something that matters which will be hard to get in the future. You also provided intermittent feedback so the next boundaries are harder to establish - your partner has learned that when you say you mean something and are willing to make sacrifices you actually are bluffing. Not a strategy that gains respect and boundaries are all about re-establishing respect.

[Lilibeth]

Thank you for explaining boundaries... . i'm learning how to do it too... . it's not easy, because over the years (26 in my case) everything becomes so blurred and so shrouded in fear... .