Damn... When will I stop thinking about her...

[Johnny Alias]

Been NC for 70 days now.

Still think about her a LOT.  Been mentally preparing myself for Valentine's day... . for I fear I will hear of a marriage proposal between her and the new guy. 

I know all is not roses with them.  Lots of drama and substance abuse.  Still its hard.  Despite the advice I give on this board and the COUNTLESS articles I've read about it being no different with the new guy I still doubt myself.  There is no question that I made many mistakes in the relationship... . but I know I didn't deserve that level of WRATH every two weeks on the nose. 

She would drunkenly scream at me just like Dad did.  It was unreal.

I'll tell you a story... . We were taking a trip... . had some drinks in the airport... . fun conversation with another couple... . it was only when we got on the plane that I realized she was 5hitfaced.  I had made arrangements for us to sit in the emergency exit row so wed have more leg room, but then realized with horror that she was slurring her words.

When the stewardess came to ask if we could accept responsibility she drunkenly carried on.  I interrupted my ex and said we've got this to the stewardess who looked at me with concern and some trepidation.  My ex started laying into me.  HARD.  Getting louder and louder.  I thought we were gonna get thrown off.  She threw a huge bag of chex mix all over me.  I said honey someone will have to clean this up.  She said "THATS WHAT THEYRE PAID FOR!" 

She passed out.  I bought her a sandwich to try and sober her up.  I didn't notice it had red peppers in it which she hate so she cussed me out further when she woke up. 

I hadn't had a vacation in 6 months and already felt like it was destroyed.  When we finally landed she had sobered up and apologized in tears.  That was just ONE incident in a loong line of horrifically painful moments. 

How can I miss this?  How?             

[schwing]

Hi Johnny Alias and 

The reason why you "missed this" is partly the same reason why you are still thinking about her.  I'll elaborate.

I'll tell you a story... . We were taking a trip... . had some drinks in the airport... . fun conversation with another couple... . it was only when we got on the plane that I realized she was 5hitfaced.  I had made arrangements for us to sit in the emergency exit row so wed have more leg room, but then realized with horror that she was slurring her words.

When the stewardess came to ask if we could accept responsibility she drunkenly carried on.  I interrupted my ex and said we've got this to the stewardess who looked at me with concern and some trepidation.  My ex started laying into me.  HARD.  Getting louder and louder.  I thought we were gonna get thrown off.  She threw a huge bag of chex mix all over me.  I said honey someone will have to clean this up.  She said "THATS WHAT THEYRE PAID FOR!" 

She passed out.  I bought her a sandwich to try and sober her up.  I didn't notice it had red peppers in it which she hate so she cussed me out further when she woke up. 

I hadn't had a vacation in 6 months and already felt like it was destroyed.  When we finally landed she had sobered up and apologized in tears.  That was just ONE incident in a loong line of horrifically painful moments. 

How can I miss this?  How? 

After this incident it felt like your vacation was destroyed.  But she found a way to make it up to you.  It's the bad juxtaposed with the good that makes it easier to "forget" the bad.  It's like you cannot have two diametrically opposed ideas exist simultaneously in mind: that she was a horror, while at the same time being an angel.

The thing is, most people can't pull that off, being so good and nearly at the same time so bad.  But disordered people can.

And in your mind, you can't imagine that someone could be *both* so horrible and so perfect for you at the same time.  So your mind does what most people do, it blocks out the painful and gloms on to the pleasurable.  The more attached to them we are, the more inclined we are to "forget" or discount the bad in order to favor the good.  Think in terms of a drug addict: an addict turns to the thing which allows themselves to be anesthetized from the pain which is caused by that thing.

Been NC for 70 days now.

Still think about her a LOT.  Been mentally preparing myself for Valentine's day... . for I fear I will hear of a marriage proposal between her and the new guy. 

I know all is not roses with them.  Lots of drama and substance abuse.  Still its hard.  Despite the advice I give on this board and the COUNTLESS articles I've read about it being no different with the new guy I still doubt myself.  There is no question that I made many mistakes in the relationship... . but I know I didn't deserve that level of WRATH every two weeks on the nose.  

70 days is a long time to get over an acquaintance.  Or someone that you only care slightly about.

It is not a very long time to get over a deep attachment.  Moreover, you mind is still trying to separate those two diametrically opposed ideas that still exists in your head: that she could be so horrible and at the same time be so perfect for you.  It's only one or the other.  And for a long time you choose to subscribe to the other.  It'll take some time to detangle this massive cognitive dissonance.

She would drunkenly scream at me just like Dad did.  It was unreal.

And this is yet another reason why this is so difficult for you; this loose end is tied up to another much longer thread from your life.

Best wishes, Schwing

[Perfidy]

Hi Johnny, sorry your struggling with the memories and the thoughts. Recalling that there was a certain amount of bs helps to keep from splitting good from bad, but it doesn't stop the persistent obsessive thoughts. The very best way to stop the rumination is to just not fight it. Have your thoughts. You have no choice in the matter really. Your memories will produce thoughts and you will have them. Where you have a choice is in your feelings and behavior. Allowing your thought to occur while observing it and not having feeling or action on it is mindfulness. You can pick which thoughts to have feelings and act on. Choosing the correct feelings is something that becomes kind of an art or a skill. When according feeling and behavior accompany a thought the discomfort eases. We are more aligned with reality. This is what makes us feel good and feel good about our selves. It takes dedication. Talking with friends and family helps to pick your feelings. A T can guide you to learning correct feelings. If she craps all over you, you should not feel good about that.

[love4meNOTu]

Hey Johnny -

Just wanted to reiterate what Schwing and Perfidy are saying. You will stop thinking of her... it takes time and energy though.

Whenever my ex husband comes to mind, I say "not right now" to myself. It could be 20 times in a row, but it does work.

When we are deeply enmeshed with another (however unhealthy that may be) our brains tend to run on about them incessantly. It IS like a drug that we have to go cold turkey from. We want our "hit" so badly... but we can't have it. It has faded almost completely and I'm nine months out.

Work at it, and you can stop your obsessive thoughts. They aren't healthy, and they are not helping you. Realizing that meant a lot to me, that I was just torturing myself with both good and bad memories. It's enough already. I'm safe, I'm free, and I am moving on.

blessings,

L

[glacier_glider]

Been NC for 70 days now.

Still think about her a LOT.  Been mentally preparing myself for Valentine's day... . for I fear I will hear of a marriage proposal between her and the new guy.            

I had NC for 10-11 months, then broke it at the end of 2013 when she resurfaced.

It's been a week or so now.

She is with someone else.

Do I miss her? No. Actually never missed her even when we were together and I took trips. I knew I never loved her. Loving means wishing well, first of all. I felt that I am addicted to her. Felt that she is some kind of a disease.

Does Valentine's Day thoughts bother me? They sure do. Getting through a minor anxiety attack right now as I type this.

It'll get better. NC is the only way to go. NC helps you and hurts her.

[Dutched]

Feel with your struggle, memories, etc. 

I get much relief out of my diaries in which that insanity of the last 8 yrs. is documented.  Reading and remembering how she could hurt me so deeply into my soul!

I have been seeing a T for a long time after her sudden the break up.  I can advise it to you! 

Mindfulness helps too. And here, we all support each other, we are on the same journey, some ahead of us, some just started.

3+ yr. out/divorced, I am not healed (LC for Son and the legal war), finalized legally only a few months ago.

Don’t fight it, grieve all you can, it must get out of your system first!  For months after the break up I just let it flow, worked for me, then grabbing myself up to do just a simple household job, etc.

But man, sometimes  I really long for her, despite all. Long for having my family together, as I also don’t see my D22 anymore who split me black too (3rd generation in female line, genetic…?)

You will pass me by on your journey, be confident!

[dansure]

@schwing

I really love your post! The moment I realized that my ex is that cute little girl BUT ALSO that really abusive person I started healing.

[buddy1226]

She's going to be old and ugly very soon. She is already a train wreck that no one likes or wants to be around. You are young and have it going on. You don't miss her. You miss the illusion of what you thought you could have. Just like me.

She's not getting married unless this chump is a total moron, which he may very well be. You are not which is why you kicked her to the curb. Leave her there. She is awful. Unless you want to be that guy.

[joethemechanic]

Lots of drama and substance abuse.             

She's toast, and so is the moron who's with her. How old is she?

[Johnny Alias]

She's 43. Still drinking heavily, smoking cigs, weed all the time and coke.

Thanks guys. Needed to hear that. Woof.

[buddy1226]

I'm sorry but I love that they smoke, drunk and do drugs. throw in a little BPD and you have a recipe for total disaster. This does not end pretty. There is no way it could. I'm enjoying watching the train wreck too much. I'm sure this is a phase that'll pass. Also I have a fear that at some point they will pull it together. What are the chances, I wonder?

[glacier_glider]

Also I have a fear that at some point they will pull it together. What are the chances, I wonder?

Absolute zero.

[maxen]

drinking heavily, smoking cigs, weed all the time and coke.

just read that back to yourself.

[Moonie75]

drinking heavily, smoking cigs, weed all the time and coke.

just read that back to yourself.

Ey watch it! That's me you're talking about! 

[Johnny Alias]

Yeah. Got to agree there. She's a Bona fide alcoholic and this stuff serves as her medicine. She self medicated with it for depression and anxiety. I even got her a scrip of Xanax for the panic and told her to take a half when it got overwhelming instead of a shot.

Nope. Just took em to go to sleep with the booze.

[buddy1226]

Same here only mine takes klonopin but loves xanax as well... Drinks 12-18 beers a night and eats adderall like tic-tacs all day then a few klonopin to "take the edge off"... How the ___ can she expect peace in her life when she basically is speed balling every day... . Yet I'm the crazy one...

[Ceide]

I asked myself this very question on the drive home tonight and its been almost 3 years!  Lou Rawls' "You're gonna miss my lovin'" was playing on the radio and I got angry, which hasn't happened in a while.  Angry cause he never missed me.  Never grieved me, losing me was not a loss to him.  I knew it at the time, said it to him many times.  That fact alone has held up my healing, before I knew anything about BPD anyway.

And then I remember, I dodged a bullet (great post on that yesterday, btw).  His leaving me was the best thing he ever did for me.

But unlike your ex (and not saying this like either situation is better than the other), mine is out in the world acting like Mr. Wonderful, Give You the Shirt Off His Back Guy, Mr. Renaissance (has soo many hobbies to constantly medicate himself), Mr. Good Guy, Mr. hey-let's-fix-him-up-with-this-great-girl-we-know Guy, soo high functioning on the outside, has everyone fooled. 

Still, in both our cases, there will come a day when we will not think about them or care what they are up to.    Oh and about your ex being old and ugly soon?  If she keeps on like she is, that's a guarantee.  Sad.  My ex?  One of his new "drugs" was to start running and he lost 35 lbs practically overnight.  A$$ 

[glacier_glider]

May I b!tch a little bit here?

Please, stop calling them "mine" or "my BPD".

I am serious. Sorry!

The woman I was with never had problems with narcotics or alcohol.

She was curious to try things but always had control.

Also, she has never self-mutilated.

In my opinion, self-mutilation is exaggerated in BPDs. She is highly-functional Jewish beauty CPA.

Comes from a multi-million dollar family.

I've met 3 BPDs in the last 12 months. The only one how cuts is this girl who lives near by that is a low-functioning BPD.

I kind of think that highly functioning ones self-mutilate by being more advanced. E.g. hurting their loved ones (indirectly hurting themselves by doing that), sleeping around, etc... .

She does have a couple of "mysterious"  things that she had mentioned once or twice in the last 5 years. Not going into details but I think I know where they came from - her early childhood and I almost know who did them to her.

[buddy1226]

That sounds like something mine would have said.

[Conundrum]

May I b!tch a little bit here?

Please, stop calling them "mine" or "my BPD".

I am serious. Sorry!

The woman I was with never had problems with narcotics or alcohol.

She was curious to try things but always had control.

Also, she has never self-mutilated.

In my opinion, self-mutilation is exaggerated in BPDs. She is highly-functional Jewish beauty CPA.

Comes from a multi-million dollar family.

I've met 3 BPDs in the last 12 months. The only one how cuts is this girl who lives near by that is a low-functioning BPD.

I kind of think that highly functioning ones self-mutilate by being more advanced. E.g. hurting their loved ones (indirectly hurting themselves by doing that), sleeping around, etc... .

She does have a couple of "mysterious"  things that she had mentioned once or twice in the last 5 years. Not going into details but I think I know where they came from - her early childhood and I almost know who did them to her.

The disorder is an equal opportunity employer. High functioning and low functioning are circumstantial traits primarily dependent upon socioeconomic background. The underlying disorder is always relational. 

[glacier_glider]

I kind of agree. Same disorder.

But those low-functioning suffer more and they are way more obvious. So the higher percentage of them end up in the treatment (a lot of times "forced" treatment). They are the ones who cut.

Those I am worried the least about in terms of hurting others. And they are more likely to admit the problem.

Highly functional? Totally different beast in terms of magnitude of harm to the rest of the world.

I can bet that majority of us here are dealing with highly functional beauties that don't cut themselves (not as obvious). The manual says 5 out of 9? The one I was with fits 8 out 9. The -1 is self-mutilation.

Direct self-mutilation. But who knows what happens when she's on her own?

[buddy1226]

There is also the mixed breed for lack of a better term. The one I was with grew up as straight trailer trash and got in all kinds of trouble as a kid. She is manipulative enough to have figured out a demeanor that served her well in in her profession. She didn't finish high school yet is a mortgage broker. Not that that's the most distinguished of professions but I have lots of friends in that industry and they are all college grads and a professional demeanor is required.

They had no iea what went on behind the scenes except her boss that she would work over for advances or whatever and blame her troubles on me or the string of ex's... He ended up firing her because of her drama.

[Conundrum]

Those I am worried the least about in terms of hurting others. And they are more likely to admit the problem.

Highly functional? Totally different beast in terms of magnitude of harm to the rest of the world.

I can bet that majority of us here are dealing with highly functional beauties that don't cut

That sounds like an East coast/West coast type of mentality. The scope of the damage is the same. In fly-over-land you have a great swath of low functioning pwBPD wreaking the same havoc. Just because the disorder is more obvious in those who are low functioning, that does not mean that there are any further incentives for them to seek treatment. In fact there are less incentives because the demarcation line between a pwBPD, a tweaker and an alcoholic, is much less apparent within their society. There's way less social pressure placed upon them to seek help because their society is already degraded to begin with. Within the confines of the well-off, the high functioning pwBPD may succeed career-wise, but often will not be able to withstand the scrutiny of polite familial society and therefore in a not too subtle way stands out like a sore thumb. Usually, they have the resources to insulate themselves from said scrutiny, or have the resources to avail themselves of the best treatment. The treatment options for those without means in the USA remains abysmal.               

[BlushAndBashful]

To answer the original post- it takes time. A lot of time. I've been out for 2.5 years, NC for close to 2. He still crosses my mind every day, but maybe 1% of the time he used to. I haven't posted here in months. However, I come back to the boards when I get triggered. This last week was an emotional one for me, I had a few people picking at some old scabs of mine and it put me in a foul, melancholy mood. Then I accidentally stumbled on "You Don't Bring Me Flowers" on youtube and the floodgates of tears, emotions, and old hurt all came tumbling out.

[glacier_glider]

That sounds like an East coast/West coast type of mentality. The scope of the damage is the same. In fly-over-land you have a great swath of low functioning pwBPD wreaking the same havoc. Just because the disorder is more obvious in those who are low functioning, that does not mean that there are any further incentives for them to seek treatment. In fact there are less incentives because the demarcation line between a pwBPD, a tweaker and an alcoholic, is much less apparent within their society. There's way less social pressure placed upon them to seek help because their society is already degraded to begin with. Within the confines of the well-off, the high functioning pwBPD may succeed career-wise, but often will not be able to withstand the scrutiny of polite familial society and therefore in a not too subtle way stands out like a sore thumb. Usually, they have the resources to insulate themselves from said scrutiny, or have the resources to avail themselves of the best treatment. The treatment options for those without means in the USA remains abysmal.               

I know people pretty well. When I'm on a first date, it normally takes me a few minutes to find out who the person is and why she is here.

I met this intelligent adorable Jewish mother of two, who lives in the best neighborhood of this city and drives a car that is much more expensive than mine. Very polite (in the beginning), educated, charming. Beautiful. I fell for her. I did see yet ignored the red flags.

Number one flag was asking whether I'd marry her on the second date.

Very professional. An achiever.

What else can I tell you?

[mgl210]

UNumb,

In all honesty, the more you invested in someone(emotionally, etc), the longer and tougher it is to get over someone. I have been on/off with my xBPDgf for almost four years this may. I might be okay now, but yes with all the bs that she pulls, I always think of her. But, i also find myself thinking of all the bs that she has pulled on me... It will be an uphill battle. I will  tell you this. true story too. Prior to these past two recycles with the BPDxgf. She and I didn't speak for almost six months, and only bc of a Hurricane that happened did we start to speak again.

Give yourself time to heal. Be honest with your feelings and don't ever hide them. One of the biggest things I've learned along this journey is if I try and rush myself to get over her, the more I am to run into a detour and feel like crap.

So, be good to yourself my friend, be true and be good... . You are your own best friend and you could also be your very own worst enemy... .

MGL

[glacier_glider]

UNumb,

In all honesty, the more you invested in someone(emotionally, etc), the longer and tougher it is to get over someone. I have been on/off with my xBPDgf for almost four years this may. I might be okay now, but yes with all the bs that she pulls, I always think of her. But, i also find myself thinking of all the bs that she has pulled on me... It will be an uphill battle. I will  tell you this. true story too. Prior to these past two recycles with the BPDxgf. She and I didn't speak for almost six months, and only bc of a Hurricane that happened did we start to speak again.

Give yourself time to heal. Be honest with your feelings and don't ever hide them. One of the biggest things I've learned along this journey is if I try and rush myself to get over her, the more I am to run into a detour and feel like crap.

So, be good to yourself my friend, be true and be good... . You are your own best friend and you could also be your very own worst enemy... .

MGL

Spoken like a true prodigy!

I am on my own and follow my own rules.

This woman contacted me at the end of 2013 and I responded.

The bottom line is that this time I knew who she was and what to expect.

I guess you misread my story.

But Thank You!

[Johnny Alias]

May I b!tch a little bit here?

Please, stop calling them "mine" or "my BPD".

I am serious. Sorry!

The woman I was with never had problems with narcotics or alcohol.

She was curious to try things but always had control.

Also, she has never self-mutilated.

In my opinion, self-mutilation is exaggerated in BPDs. She is highly-functional Jewish beauty CPA.

Comes from a multi-million dollar family.

I've met 3 BPDs in the last 12 months. The only one how cuts is this girl who lives near by that is a low-functioning BPD.

I kind of think that highly functioning ones self-mutilate by being more advanced. E.g. hurting their loved ones (indirectly hurting themselves by doing that), sleeping around, etc... .

She does have a couple of "mysterious"  things that she had mentioned once or twice in the last 5 years. Not going into details but I think I know where they came from - her early childhood and I almost know who did them to her.

No offense Uncomfortably, but you kind if hijacked my post. If you'd like to talk about high functioning vs low functioning please start a new topic.

And it's none of your business what we call our exes. My exBPD or what ever. Why in the hell does it matter?  If you don't like it don't participate.

[24/7/30]

[When we are deeply enmeshed with another (however unhealthy that may be) our brains tend to run on about them incessantly. It IS like a drug that we have to go cold turkey from. We want our "hit" so badly... but we can't have it. It has faded almost completely and I'm nine months out.

Work at it, and you can stop your obsessive thoughts. They aren't healthy, and they are not helping you. Realizing that meant a lot to me, that I was just torturing myself with both good and bad memories. It's enough already. I'm safe, I'm free, and I am moving on.][/quote]
This is one of the best posts I have read on these boards. Thanks for this so much.  Enough already... . I will say that going forward... . sometimes millions of times a year.  Being eith a BPD person is always messing with your mind. ALWAYS!  And we wonder why it takes a long time to move on.  I have to give myself a break without allowing this becoming a crutch.  Thanks for theses wise words.

[love4meNOTu]

wow! Thank you for that... it's nice to know I'm not posting into space. I'm glad I could help.

Hugs,

L