What does it mean?

[allbeengone]

So today I was walking to class and I saw my uBPD friend working on some programming stuff. Figured Ill stay around since I have break. We talked a little but suddenly out pops the questions "don't you have anything else better to do?". My uBPD friend has asked this question multiple times in the past whenever I randomly see her at school. What do you guys she means by that and what are probable ways I can respond? Thanks.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[SleepsOnSofa]

I'd say, "Oh sorry, I didn't mean to interrupt your work. Give me a call when you're free!" And then I'd leave.

If it really is just a friend, and not a family member or romantic partner, don't let her push her issues off on you. Be friendly when she's friendly, give space when she needs space, and if she goes bonkers and decides she doesn't want you for a friend, walk away one last time. And don't look back.

Of course, if this is someone you have romantic feelings for, that changes things, but be very, very careful, whatever you do. You're signing up for a life-long ride on a wild tiger.

And always use condoms that YOU brought.

[MammaMia]

Sleepsonsofa

Great to hear from you.  How have you been?

[allbeengone]

Thanks for the reply. Oh no nothing romantic between us. The weird thing is we were joking around and she seemed in a pretty good mood so it just seems weird that she would say something like that.

[SleepsOnSofa]

Allbeengone -

If it's just a friend, take her (admittedly rude) suggestion at face value and bug off for a while. Count yourself lucky that you don't own one of these... .

Mammamia -

I'm fair. Things have been hard since the holidays, every weekend has been bad. Not going to hijack the thread too much, but when I go dark, it's because I will not, ever access this site from home. If she finds it in the browser history - which she checks constantly - and learns about it, I'll never be able to come back. So I can only check in when things are calm enough at work to let me log on at lunch or after hours. Thanks for remembering me - that actually means alot.

[MammaMia]

Sleepsonsofa

You can go into your browser at the top of your screen.  Click on it.  Then click on Tools, then Preference, then Advanced, and finally click on History.  You can set the History to NOT show previous addresses that you have visited.

No one will ever know you have been here if you do that.

Just an FYI.

[SleepsOnSofa]

We share a computer at home. If I set it not to save the browsing history, she will notice and will want to know what I'm hiding. And if I try to delete addresses from the history one at a time, I will eventually forget or miss one, and she will find it. Plus there's the fact that she's a stay-at-home mom and is almost never out when I'm home, so there isn't much opportunity to have private computer time at my house.

Bottom line, I have basically no personal privacy. She checks everything and thinks that's perfectly normal and reasonable, although she doesn't see any need for me to check up on her... .

[IsItHerOrIsItMe]

Bottom line, I have basically no personal privacy. She checks everything and thinks that's perfectly normal and reasonable, although she doesn't see any need for me to check up on her... .

Mine's the same way.  I hear once a week how 'uncomfortable' she is that I have a smart phone and 'can' be porn-surfing while I'm at work.

I point out that she 'can' have dozens of men over during the day (she's also a SAHM) and get the deer in the headlights look... .

I don't think that connection will ever be made.

[MammaMia]

SleepsOnSofa and IsItHerorIsItme


You are prisoners in your own homes. 

Why?  Because it is the easiest way to avoid conflict?

No, it is all about control. 

[waverider]

So today I was walking to class and I saw my uBPD friend working on some programming stuff. Figured Ill stay around since I have break. We talked a little but suddenly out pops the questions "don't you have anything else better to do?". My uBPD friend has asked this question multiple times in the past whenever I randomly see her at school. What do you guys she means by that and what are probable ways I can respond? Thanks.

At no time can any of us completely know what others are thinking. There are times when we all would prefer not to have interruptions, no matter how well meaning. But we have empathy and consideration and so we are aware of the effects that comments like this will have, and so only use them when pushed. pwBPD do not have these skills and so will say things like this while being unaware of how they will be received.

Its just a quirk of the disorder, best to just move on and leave them be.

[waverider]

I don't think that connection will ever be made.

No it wont, so dont even bother trying. Its a different language

[SleepsOnSofa]

You are prisoners in your own homes. 

Why?  Because it is the easiest way to avoid conflict?

No, it is all about control. 

Yes, if you look at it that way, I suppose am a prisoner. I also know when my sentence ends - the day after my daughter's 18th birthday. As long as I'm around, I take the heat of my wife's personality problems. I am pretty sure that if I am out of the picture, she will either turn the focus of her dysregulated emotions on my daughter, or - more likely - bring in some other man to subject to her anger. Neither of those options are very good for my daughter.

While I'm around to be her target, my wife basically a pretty good mom. Our daughter is healthy, bright, well-behaved, and out-going. (I do worry about her emotional development long-term, because of the environment she's in, but I don't see how removing myself makes it anything but worse.) I'll hang in there as long as it takes for my daughter to grow up, taking the heat so she won't have to, and preventing some other schlub from being installed on the sofa to raise my daughter.

[an0ught]

So today I was walking to class and I saw my uBPD friend working on some programming stuff. Figured Ill stay around since I have break. We talked a little but suddenly out pops the questions "don't you have anything else better to do?". My uBPD friend has asked this question multiple times in the past whenever I randomly see her at school. What do you guys she means by that and what are probable ways I can respond? Thanks.

This certainly was invalidating to you

- you wanting to chat and being friendly

- pwBPD asking your something which is not a question but pushing you away without taking responsibility for it - passive aggressive.

A better way to tell you to leave would have been to own the need to work: "Hey, please understand I'm busy and have to concentrate now. Can we chat another time?"

A possible way to respond when unclear and irritating approaches are made is to validate. That clears the air and also ensure we got the understanding of the situation right: "Sounds like you need to finish something now.".

[allbeengone]

Ahh alright. What about when she starts accusing me of analyzing her? Especially when I say "it seems you are... . " or "I guess you are... . " Even though communication is about processing the information... .

[MammaMia]

AnOught

Programming requires full concentration.  It sounds as if your friend is focused on what she is doing, and you are interrupting her train of thought.  Maybe she is facing a deadline or maybe she has had multiple interruptions already. Interruptions in the middle of a complex project usually means it is necessary to start over or double check everything done up to that point.   Not fun.

If she says she is busy or does not want to chat, accept it. Just because you have free time does not mean she does.

I think you are reading too much into this.  In fact, she she looks occupied, do not even approach her.  Respect her space, and find someone else to chat with.

[waverider]

Ahh alright. What about when she starts accusing me of analyzing her? Especially when I say "it seems you are... . " or "I guess you are... . " Even though communication is about processing the information... .

This way of phrasing is making assumptions rather than asking for confirmation... It is a red rag to a sarcastic a reply, Maybe use "Would it be correct... ", "Am I right in thinking... ", "Are you... ". You are more likely to get a "yes" or "no" rather than "Isn't that obvious... "