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Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits. Practicing lawyer, Senior Family Mediator, and former Licensed Clinical Social Worker with twelve years’ experience and an expert on navigating the Family Court process.
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Author Topic: Seeing her in whatsapp triggered me  (Read 11863 times)
GuiltHaunted
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« on: February 12, 2014, 10:11:10 PM »

Since my last contact with my ex 26th of December I have been in no contact (no e-stalking either). I deleted her number from my phone and hence couldn't see her in whatsapp either (instant message app). But I didn't block her, which would mean she would have been able to contact me and she would also be able to see when I was last online etc.

I know that she has stalked me after she broke up with me last May (she started with my replacement the day after). After 3-4 months I blocked her on Facebook, I had de friended her already same day as the breakup. When I had contact with her in November, she asked persistently, if I quitted Facebook. I avoided to answer at first and later told her I just changed my privacy settings. But she definitely had been stalking me, because otherwise how would she know I had blocked her, plus she referred to some things I posted publicly.

WHY did she stalk me? She was allegedly in a happy new relationship... . Does anyone else have similar experiences (her leaving and already with replacement, yet stalking?).  

I didn't block her before deleting her number, because secretly, I hoped she would write, although during our last conversation 26th of December, I told her NEVER to contact me again... .

Today I decided that she shouldn't be able to follow that little part of my life. I.e. checking when I was last online, if she did at all. I know I did, I even added the phone number of my replacement to check if they were online simultaneously... . How sick is that?

I had to readd her number to my phone, so that she would appear in whatsapp again, in order to block her. She is still there... . Last online 01:14, like when I stalked her - always up late. (What is she doing up so late, the almost 4 years we were together she would go to bed 22-23).

Seeing her in whatsapp, that TINY connection... . Knowing there is she, just a few tips on the screen away, triggered me again. And now I secretly hopes she contacts me pr. text, mail, phone instead... . Detaching is not that easy... . :'(



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fromheeltoheal
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Broken up, I left her
Posts: 5642


« Reply #1 on: February 13, 2014, 12:34:14 AM »

Yes, a borderline hates to give up any attachment, which has nothing to do with you and everything to do with with a replaying of the trauma that created the disorder to begin with.  It's up to you to cut the cord.

So time to get busy man.  She left you nine months ago, and one man's opinion is you're spending too much energy on her.  Time to get busy focusing on yourself, your own detachment, and your own future.  I know it's hard, like quitting an addiction, but here's the time to see what you're made of and grow.  Take care of you!
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MrFox
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« Reply #2 on: February 13, 2014, 01:38:59 AM »

Passive stalking seems pretty par for the course for pwBPD.  My exBPDgf did the same to me.  She may still being doing so but I have not checked on anything of hers since the end of November.  My BPDmother stalks old friends, past lovers, etc. via social media.  Some of these people she hasn't spoken to in over a decade.

They just can't let go.  Even if you are painted pitch black, they are still attached.  If they weren't they would let it go and move on.
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Trick1004
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« Reply #3 on: February 13, 2014, 02:12:19 AM »

GH,

I'm on almost the exact same timeline. Ex left me last May after 3 years together. We remained in contact (just a couple emails) for a couple months till I cut it off, blocked her on Facebook and quit responding to her. I got a miss you text in November, didn't respond and silence since then.

You have to eliminate any connection no matter how tiny on your end. Anything you get you have to ignore also. For me it was about what I could to block any avenue for the ex to contact me.

It's a process and it's hard but the sooner you get started the sooner you'll get to point where you don't care anymore.

Nine months in I am feeling tons better. Hang in there, stick with NC and things will get better.

Trick



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heartandwhole
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
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« Reply #4 on: February 13, 2014, 08:12:57 AM »

Seeing her in whatsapp, that TINY connection... . Knowing there is she, just a few tips on the screen away, triggered me again. And now I secretly hopes she contacts me pr. text, mail, phone instead... . Detaching is not that easy... . :'(

I understand this, GuiltHaunted, and I'm sorry you are feeling restless again.  It has happened to a lot of us.  You're right, detaching is hard.  The more you focus on her the longer it will take.  Focusing on you is even harder, but it's the way through.

Why do you think you want her again? After all you've been through?

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When the pain of love increases your joy, roses and lilies fill the garden of your soul.
GuiltHaunted
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« Reply #5 on: February 13, 2014, 06:43:07 PM »

Excerpt
... . Yes, a borderline hates to give up any attachment... .

... . Passive stalking seems pretty par for the course for pwBPD... .

How does this fit together with false Belief 8) that absence makes the heart grow fonder?

If absence makes the heart grow colder for a pwBPD, what are they getting out of passive stalking and what is the nature of the attachment they want to maintain?


Trick, did she also find a replacement immediately after the breakup?

Excerpt
Why do you think you want her again? After all you've been through?

heartandwhole, I gave your question serious consideration. And you are right... . why would I want someone who discarded me after 4 years relationship. That within 1-2 months went from "I love you, you're the best, the worst thing that could happen is losing you" to not speaking with me anymore. Writing and sending pictures to another guy, that EXACT resembles what she used to write to me, when we started out (I had opportunity to backup her phone 3 months past breakup and read and see everything).

The answer is, I don't know! It's not rational. I don't even want to have her back rationally. Rationally, I want a healthy girlfriend (not just mental, she had so many physical ailments at just 27, that I know when she is 40 she will probably be close to cripple - slipped disc in the neck, heart condition etc.).

Irrationally, the question is just as difficult to answer for me as "what is the purpose of life". Belief 1, 4, 5, 6, 7 and 9 are probably the only few ones I still struggle with.  Smiling (click to insert in post)
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