Do BPD become less functioning once they found a spouse?

[joshbjoshb]

It certainly feels this way with my wife.

She used to be very much ahead of her game, and now almost seems to push everything my way. Of course, that includes zero emotional responsibility, but also in the social life, etc.

Is that common?

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[Wrongturn1]

Mine definitely did.  Prior to getting married, she always had a job and seemed to follow through on everything she started.  She had a job most of the time for the first 6 years after we got married but quit once she became pregnant with our first child.  She hasn't had a job in the past 10 years and is not showing any signs of looking for one, even with both of our kids now in school.  She also became less emotionally functional once married and (common I'm sure) started blaming me for every negative facet of her emotional life.

Things have improved since I started using the tools found here and elsewhere, but she's still not as functional as she was pre-marriage.

[Cloudy Days]

Good question. For me I think this is true. He is definitely more dysfunctional now than before I met him.

[an0ught]

The distinction between high functioning and low function is not so popular these days and professionals probably have some well reasoned arguments for it. In some sense however I believe it does matter: Getting a feel for how much we as co-dependents add to the dysfunctional system. The question - how can it be that we got a total mess in our relationship when she was semi functioning before - lead to the creation of this workshop: TOOLS: Dealing with Enmeshment and Codependence.

It stands to reason that when we remove our contribution to the mess the situation can improve. The lessons are aiming at re-establishing respect through boundaries and getting communication back from invalidation heavy to validation heavy.

We still are together in a relationship. I love her. There are lower boundaries in some areas and higher in others. There are some problems. Where are none? Sometimes I wonder whether there could be a closer relationship and whether I liked that. But then I also know I independence and taking responsibility for myself is helping me feeling better. She is doing better than ever - acquired a set of not dysfunctional friends, handling conflicts at job well and refusing to get played and feeling guilty by her mother.

[joshbjoshb]

Pray do tell me - is she in treatment?

The distinction between high functioning and low function is not so popular these days and professionals probably have some well reasoned arguments for it. In some sense however I believe it does matter: Getting a feel for how much we as co-dependents add to the dysfunctional system. The question - how can it be that we got a total mess in our relationship when she was semi functioning before - lead to the creation of this workshop: TOOLS: Dealing with Enmeshment and Codependence.

It stands to reason that when we remove our contribution to the mess the situation can improve. The lessons are aiming at re-establishing respect through boundaries and getting communication back from invalidation heavy to validation heavy.

We still are together in a relationship. I love her. There are lower boundaries in some areas and higher in others. There are some problems. Where are none? Sometimes I wonder whether there could be a closer relationship and whether I liked that. But then I also know I independence and taking responsibility for myself is helping me feeling better. She is doing better than ever - acquired a set of not dysfunctional friends, handling conflicts at job well and refusing to get played and feeling guilty by her mother.

[an0ught]

There were a lot of improvements before she went for about half a year. Some improvements accelerated during the time she had a T. Now she is not anymore and still improving.

[joshbjoshb]

I am impressed, because all of this must be a result of your action.

Would you be so kind and give me few examples? I read and read, but still have a hard time connecting the theory words and translating them into my life.

Give me examples of which boundary you set and how... .

[an0ught]

Example: Overspending

Value: Financial stability, my peace of mind

Boundary: Not subsidizing her spending anymore, protecting my financial stability and freedom

Consequences for me: Her getting upset

What happened: Her getting into debt, waking up when bank refused to give more, she hated being in debt, she slowly dug her way out again and learned a lot in the process

Before we met she was a diligent saver and now she is again. But in between it was out of control.

[joshbjoshb]

I need ones that deal with her yelling, screaming etc.

She is not an overspender.

[an0ught]

You can't be yelled at if you are not present - can you?

I spent a few evenings with my laptop in a nice place with food and looked for a friendly ear here on the site. It was no fun but in retrospect was quite quick - took less than an handful of walk-outs. And some validation of abandonment of course. It was a time when I was quite desperate. I did not know what happens when I come back and was scared while being away. Being away meant I did not have control and while being there was effectively being totally out of control and fighting leaving felt wrong, dangerous and risky. And it is to some degree but then so is definitely staying and fighting. It sucks having only bad and worse options.

See workshops on timeouts on how to take the bad option in the best possible manner: TOOLS: how to take a time out

[waverider]

I need ones that deal with her yelling, screaming etc.

She is not an overspender.

This is a basic boundary. The answer is to be not there to hear it. I know that is easier said than done, it may take rewiring your life, but it is your main safety fuse to be enacted when all else fails.

There are lots of issues and lots of boundaries, but the first thing that needs to change is the knowledge that when you have a boundary you mean it. It makes future boundaries easier.

Less functioning is often closely related to a basic neediness and an ability to "persuade" others to provide for them. Strangely enough they do seem to have an unusual ability to "unlearn" things they were previously quite capable of. I think the major difference between high and low is that this seems like the motivation for a "low" whereas a "high" seems to be determined to prove the opposite. A lazy nature seems to also have a role to play in this. If they can't get you to do XYZ they will go without rather than do it themselves, then blame 'the world" because they don't have XYZ.

As a spouse you can effectively disable them by enabling their neediness. The problem is you usually have entrenched that pattern of behavior before you realize what is happening, and its a hard hole to climb back out of.

[Pipedreamer25]

In my case it's true but the way that my dBPDbf was 'functioning' without me involves using copious amounts of drugs and alcohol.  This have him the confidence to fve the real world but now that he is trying to give them up he can't so much at all.  He can't work,  has stopped playing with his band,  going out,  everything really.  I feel like I so everything

[waverider]

In my case it's true but the way that my dBPDbf was 'functioning' without me involves using copious amounts of drugs and alcohol.  This have him the confidence to fve the real world but now that he is trying to give them up he can't so much at all.  He can't work,  has stopped playing with his band,  going out,  everything really.  I feel like I so everything

It is like taking someones crutches away and the result is they fall to the floor. Their mind is telling them they can't walk without crutches. It takes an enormous amount of self will to pick themselves up and learn to support themselves.

You can be his replacement crutch if you are not careful, and that will make it harder to stand yourself.

Rescuers can inadvertently create victims, in a unhealthy dynamic. Both end up being stuck in their respective roles. Dependency undermines pride in the victim, and the rescuer becomes a resentful martyr