Borderline/Narcissitic?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Wouldn't i already see attempts and escalations from her?I mean it's been over a week since i've talked to her. I mean would it be out of the ordinary in 6months? a year? etc. But that may not even be the case. Out of sight out of mind right?

Hi Anomaly1, I can't say. Some nons here have been contacted out of the blue after 6 months or more. They fall back to that which was safe when they are in need of soothing. Some recycle, some just feel like their Exes are just torturing them to get that BPD validation. I can see you are torn up about this, like "what's coming next? When will it come?" But you can only wait and see and then deal with it then. Yes, out of sight, out of mind... . for now. That's the "object constancy", the child-like attachment with pwBPD. If they are strongly attached, the need to validate that you are there when not physically present. Mine even felt abandoned when I would go into the other room to read.

I still don't know what she means by she isn't ok with any of this? Just a line? The only thing that i would say to her is to get help and i would consider trying.

She has to want to get help. It would take a very mature and self aware pwBPD to get to that point. We see them occasionally, post here. Mine is very high functioning, WANTS to get help, couldn't do it with me because she felt I threw her "sickness" (a word I never used with her) in her face. More like being with me was a constant trigger of her bad feelings. Now she is soothing, and will cut back on her therapy a lot. It was her pattern with me with her depressions. She told me her T told her to NOT leave me, that it wasn't the right thing to just run (I'm sure it was said more gently, but this is what my Ex told me). She did it anyway. She fancies herself a wise woman "of character" but as my T said, she has made one unwise decision after another. And there was no use talking to her about such things (as I tried to do to save our r/s back in October), because she wouldn't hear them.

For pwBPD, we like to say around here that "feelings are not facts." For a pwBPD, feelings are facts. When feelings become facts, reality becomes an illusion, and the truth, a lie. That is the horror of suffering with BPD. The same emotions we feel, they feel, but theirs are so much more intense (hence the love/hate), and they also can't control them.

I can see how your situation is hard because of having kids.It's like it bridges that gap. I assume you two don't stay in touch? Does she pull that crap with this other guy?

We check in with the kids once/night to say goodnight. I still have a lot of anger towards her (like she got off scott free and I'm left with all of the responsibility and no r/s), but I found it strangely soothing last night to talk to her a few minutes about the kids. And got angry at myself for feeling that way. Her r/s with the other dude was pretty much thrown in my face for the past 4 months she was living in my home. It was torture, and mental abuse. Conversations in the other room with her laughing on the phone, him calling her phone and me seeing his number and name, a few times when she didn't know I saw. The constant texting. She sending me a text meant for him two months ago "Hey Love!... . " etc... . Some here thought she did it on purpose. Some blame the Disorder taking control. I think it may have been that or more likely she was scatter brained. Nothing I can do about that. The good thing is that I realized first, and now she does, that other than the short phone convos (where we each put the other on speaker phone right away to talk to the kids), we might not have to see each other for weeks since we drop off and pick up at the baby sitters.

All in all, she is good at compartmentalizing her life, and will keep it "secret' for a while, though he was on her FB as soon as I blocked her, pretty much, which was three months before she moved out. I got sick of seeing her back handedly devaluing me on FB. I found the whole thing disgusting, and her neglect of the children despicable. Yes, I still have a lot of anger! My anger, other than being mentally and financially abused (and verbally before for almost 6 years) stems more out of me expecting my Ex to be someone she is not. How can I expect someone with the emotional maturity of a child to think like I do? Why would I? I'm still processing this... .

Sorry to make that about myself when I should be answering you. I don';t know if you got anything out of that, but I hope so. Our stories here are similar to many, different from others. The underlying factor seems to be BPD, diagnosed or not, and the behaviors associated with them.

[Turkish]

Wouldn't i already see attempts and escalations from her?I mean it's been over a week since i've talked to her. I mean would it be out of the ordinary in 6months? a year? etc. But that may not even be the case. Out of sight out of mind right?

Hi Anomaly1, I can't say. Some nons here have been contacted out of the blue after 6 months or more. They fall back to that which was safe when they are in need of soothing. Some recycle, some just feel like their Exes are just torturing them to get that BPD validation. I can see you are torn up about this, like "what's coming next? When will it come?" But you can only wait and see and then deal with it then. Yes, out of sight, out of mind... . for now. That's the "object constancy", the child-like attachment with pwBPD. If they are strongly attached, the need to validate that you are there when not physically present. Mine even felt abandoned when I would go into the other room to read.

I still don't know what she means by she isn't ok with any of this? Just a line? The only thing that i would say to her is to get help and i would consider trying.

She has to want to get help. It would take a very mature and self aware pwBPD to get to that point. We see them occasionally, post here. Mine is very high functioning, WANTS to get help, couldn't do it with me because she felt I threw her "sickness" (a word I never used with her) in her face. More like being with me was a constant trigger of her bad feelings. Now she is soothing, and will cut back on her therapy a lot. It was her pattern with me with her depressions. She told me her T told her to NOT leave me, that it wasn't the right thing to just run (I'm sure it was said more gently, but this is what my Ex told me). She did it anyway. She fancies herself a wise woman "of character" but as my T said, she has made one unwise decision after another. And there was no use talking to her about such things (as I tried to do to save our r/s back in October), because she wouldn't hear them.

For pwBPD, we like to say around here that "feelings are not facts." For a pwBPD, feelings are facts. When feelings become facts, reality becomes an illusion, and the truth, a lie. That is the horror of suffering with BPD. The same emotions we feel, they feel, but theirs are so much more intense (hence the love/hate), and they also can't control them.

I can see how your situation is hard because of having kids.It's like it bridges that gap. I assume you two don't stay in touch? Does she pull that crap with this other guy?

We check in with the kids once/night to say goodnight. I still have a lot of anger towards her (like she got off scott free and I'm left with all of the responsibility and no r/s), but I found it strangely soothing last night to talk to her a few minutes about the kids. And got angry at myself for feeling that way. Her r/s with the other dude was pretty much thrown in my face for the past 4 months she was living in my home. It was torture, and mental abuse. Conversations in the other room with her laughing on the phone, him calling her phone and me seeing his number and name, a few times when she didn't know I saw. The constant texting. She sending me a text meant for him two months ago "Hey Love!... . " etc... . Some here thought she did it on purpose. Some blame the Disorder taking control. I think it may have been that or more likely she was scatter brained. Nothing I can do about that. The good thing is that I realized first, and now she does, that other than the short phone convos (where we each put the other on speaker phone right away to talk to the kids), we might not have to see each other for weeks since we drop off and pick up at the baby sitters.

All in all, she is good at compartmentalizing her life, and will keep it "secret' for a while, though he was on her FB as soon as I blocked her, pretty much, which was three months before she moved out. I got sick of seeing her back handedly devaluing me on FB. I found the whole thing disgusting, and her neglect of the children despicable. Yes, I still have a lot of anger! My anger, other than being mentally and financially abused (and verbally before for almost 6 years) stems more out of me expecting my Ex to be someone she is not. How can I expect someone with the emotional maturity of a child to think like I do? Why would I? I'm still processing this... .

Sorry to make that about myself when I should be answering you. I don';t know if you got anything out of that, but I hope so. Our stories here are similar to many, different from others. The underlying factor seems to be BPD, diagnosed or not, and the behaviors associated with them.

[Anomaly1]

   I can see our relationships being the same minus the kids. I really don't think she will stay with him because he is a chain dragging her down. she does have Bi tendancies she is supposedly seeing this girl she comes over to there apartment. I don't know if it's true or not. But honestly in 3 years down the road will it even matter? Or is it all her trying to find herself. Another Borderline trait.   I had a situation with her. Where i was trying to talk to her about coming over and talk about things.        And she responded with BE thankful for what you have.

Now that was before i confronted her about the cheating.  Another thing. Was she just going to cheat and justify herself and not tell me at all and play along like everything is ok?   I would say a majority of people know because of the other guy telling them. 

[Turkish]

   I can see our relationships being the same minus the kids. I really don't think she will stay with him because he is a chain dragging her down. she does have Bi tendancies she is supposedly seeing this girl she comes over to there apartment. I don't know if it's true or not. But honestly in 3 years down the road will it even matter? Or is it all her trying to find herself. Another Borderline trait.

BPD experience emotions more intensely than we do. A PD is a grouping of extreme behaviors out of the distribution. Don't we all try to find ourselves? It's the manner in which we do it which tells others something about us. Or the seemingly desperate need to trumpet to the world that we are, which is validation seeking.

I had a situation with her. Where i was trying to talk to her about coming over and talk about things.        And she responded with BE thankful for what you have.

That's odd. Maybe it was her way of saying, "be thankful for what you had?" It's hard to understand feelings with logic.

Now that was before i confronted her about the cheating.  Another thing. Was she just going to cheat and justify herself and not tell me at all and play along like everything is ok?   I would say a majority of people know because of the other guy telling them. 

I don't know about your last statement. After I confronted mine, and it took seven tries, three tries after me quoting verbatim the text he had sent to her, to admit it. Then she said she didn't mean to hurt me, and that she was going to tell me about it after she had left (really? Why would someone do that?). her thoughts were disordered and all over the place. What is said one day, or felt at one moment, can switch polarity. I saw it play out over months and months. My T said about everything she said, "she is trying to justify the unjustifiable." Betrayal is unjustifiable. Engaging in argument about it is the honey trap of our own feelings needing answers. I've constructed a narrative in my mind of how she justified it, but that is me. Who knows, ultimately, what is going on in their minds?

[Anomaly1]

Is it uncommon for a borderline to justify everything for the reasons they make for what they did? Was and is it that hard for her to just say i don't want to be together? She gave me when i'm with somebody i'm with them for good and i don't like giving up on them?   That right there might be the biggest head scratcher for me. Because she obviously didn't live up to that.  I can see why her trying to throw out every excuse in the book to justify why they did what they did. They do that right?

Were her feelings or were your Bp. feelings so intense that's why she possibly bailed? I feel like it was like she was doing anything to get me to break up with her.So she didn't feel bad. If she does contact is it just to try to see how i am? Like yeah i still live with him but just wanted to see how you were,Like you really care.     

What do you think she meant by this. In the beginning of January she came over to my place.She was talking about how she just wanted to up and leave.Get out where no one knew her. And then she would say and of course i'm taking you with me. 

[fromheeltoheal]

A borderline has an unstable sense of self, meaning who she thinks she is changes on the fly.  That's a result of never having successfully detached from their primary caregiver when in infancy, to become an autonomous individual, so they seek attachments to make themselves 'whole'; an attachment to a borderline is a fusing of two psyches into one person, to create one person, which is also why they can literally feel they don't exist when they're alone.  Think of it like having half a self, which is hard to get your head around initially.

That unstable sense of self makes long term commitments, conflict resolution, and lasting contentment impossible.  Think of it like you're having a conversation with a different person than you were last time you spoke, if any time has elapsed between, and sometimes they can completely change, mood, affect, demeanor, while you're talking to them, based on the emotional content of the conversation.

And since attachments are so important to borderlines, they don't ever like to lose them.  In practice what that looks like is you may show up on her radar at any time as someone who can soothe whatever she's feeling, make her feel better, and she will reach out to see if there's still an attachment there.  It means nothing more than she's trying to feel better in the moment; she isn't aware of the way she's wired, it's all subconscious, and she may be completely sincere one moment, but feel entirely differently the next, which doesn't mean she wasn't sincere to begin with, it means who she thinks she is just changed.

No sense trying to make rational sense of it, and you're the only one who can control how she makes you feel, usually by leaving, unless you have extremely strong boundaries, are a glutton for pain and chaos, and prefer dating emotional children.  :)oesn't sound like you, and you're the only rational one in this paring, if any of the above rings true.

[Anomaly1]

Does she "hate" me that i found out between her and the guy i was working with and we both confronted her for her cheating ways. I'm still sold on the narcissistic ways of having a couple of guys at her disposal.

Or hate me for that fact that she's been lying and i found out everything she's been doing? I think it 's childish and petty she's acting this way.I am rational and have done what any normal adult would do in a relationship.Adult mature thinking.I feel like other people at my work wouldn't understand where i'm coming from with my thinking or this whole personality disorder. It weirds me out knowing that other girls can chat it up with her like nothing is wrong and then later on to have a good night and feel sympathy for me.    Me telling her the only way i will talk to you will be if you talk to someone. But i asked her to go to talk to someone with me .And she later on said she would say the same thing to me that she would to a therapist... . So what's that all about?

[fromheeltoheal]

Does she "hate" me that i found out between her and the guy i was working with and we both confronted her for her cheating ways. I'm still sold on the narcissistic ways of having a couple of guys at her disposal.

Or hate me for that fact that she's been lying and i found out everything she's been doing? I think it 's childish and petty she's acting this way.I am rational and have done what any normal adult would do in a relationship.Adult mature thinking.I feel like other people at my work wouldn't understand where i'm coming from with my thinking or this whole personality disorder. It weirds me out knowing that other girls can chat it up with her like nothing is wrong and then later on to have a good night and feel sympathy for me.    Me telling her the only way i will talk to you will be if you talk to someone. But i asked her to go to talk to someone with me .And she later on said she would say the same thing to me that she would to a therapist... . So what's that all about?

She doesn't hate you, she hates herself.  Or more accurately, you called her on lies, she feels ashamed, so ashamed she can't deal with, so she projects it on you.  The her she hates becomes you, so she hates you, which has nothing to do with you.

You're still trying to think rationally man; gotta let go of the rational.  I recommend you read a bunch on the clinical side of the disorder, and once you start to understand it, you will see just how irrational a borderline is.

Then again, I've known very few teenage girls who are capable of an adult relationship, girls just wanna have fun, and you know her, but maybe you're more emotionally invested in her than she ever was in you just because she's young and not able to 'go there' yet.  I've been in exactly the same spot you are, it hurts a great deal, and assigning a mental illness to someone who is not behaving the way you want or expect feels better, when maybe she's just still a kid screwing around and you got in over your head and tried to assign more to her and the relationship than is possible.  I dunno, you decide, and I haven't read every post in this thread, maybe there's more I don't know.  Take care of you!

[Anomaly1]

She shows many signs heel of BPD traits. Here's what i've experienced since i've been with her.

1. Wreckless Behavior - Sex. she cheated on me with a guy i work with.He didn't even know she was with me.She lied about it.Her also experimenting with girls too at a young age.  Pot/Drinking- she's been smoking and drinking.

2. Abandonment - She has said and brought up stories of people leaving her life.

3. Lying - She has lied about a guy who did things to her.When i very well know he never did.Along with telling lies to me.

4. Cheating - Self explantory

5. Denial - She won't own up to what she's done to me or responsibility for her actions.

6. Trauma - She has had trauma from her past. Her mom drank when she was little and her dad she said has touched her. She started smoking and drinking at a young age.

[fromheeltoheal]

She shows many signs heel of BPD traits. Here's what i've experienced since i've been with her.

1. Wreckless Behavior - Sex. she cheated on me with a guy i work with.He didn't even know she was with me.She lied about it.Her also experimenting with girls too at a young age.  Pot/Drinking- she's been smoking and drinking.

2. Abandonment - She has said and brought up stories of people leaving her life.

3. Lying - She has lied about a guy who did things to her.When i very well know he never did.Along with telling lies to me.

4. Cheating - Self explantory

5. Denial - She won't own up to what she's done to me or responsibility for her actions.

6. Trauma - She has had trauma from her past. Her mom drank when she was little and her dad she said has touched her. She started smoking and drinking at a young age.

Just to play devil's advocate, lots of teens exhibit those behaviors.  Hell, when I was 19 I was having sex with several girls, drank and smoked pot, cheated on my girlfriend, was abandoned by girlfriends, lied and was in denial that anything was wrong.  Plus, my behavior was exactly the same as almost everyone I knew, so in that context nothing was 'wrong', it was what it was and I had a blast.  And I don't have a personality disorder, just some PTSD from my time in borderline hell, so says the professionals.

But again I ask, Why does it matter?

[Anomaly1]

Why does she feel the need to play games? to keep me along? She knew my last ex cheated on me. Why keep trying to text me and keep things at bay.With false things.

[Anomaly1]

Obviously. she is young that could be the cause for the games. This guy has said he would be her friend and she told me he wants nothing to do with her. Lies?  But yet she won't talk to me once i find out all about her.  There's not a possibility of trying to be her friend after what she's done to me.  And in her messed up mind if it's not BPD. I don't know why she would try to contact me down the road. She can't get upset or stay silent because i'm not talking to her.

She brought it upon herself.

[fromheeltoheal]

Why does she feel the need to play games? to keep me along? She knew my last ex cheated on me. Why keep trying to text me and keep things at bay.With false things.

BPD is an attachment disorder, borderlines are terrified of being abandoned and find it difficult to let go of any attachment, so when you pop up on her radar as someone who can soothe her, make her feel better, she'll turn to you.  Young girls, on the other hand, love attention from boys and men, simple as that.  It's up to you to decide where she might be on the spectrum.

Regardless of her mental state, it's up to you to take control of your emotions; she only has as much power as you give her.  You may be strong enough to do that when she's around, or you may need to distance yourself, but it's up to you to fix it, she will take whatever she can get.

[myself]

There's not a possibility of trying to be her friend after what she's done to me.

Sounds like it's time to live your life without her.

[Anomaly1]

She obviously finds me not important anymore. It feels like everything was lie from her. I have a feeling she will get what's coming to her in the end.  Would any of you be able to be her friend after something like this? No wonder she doesn't have any friends. Have any of you gotten positive responses by actually by breaking no contact? Or ran into them down the road?

[fromheeltoheal]

She obviously finds me not important anymore. It feels like everything was lie from her. I have a feeling she will get what's coming to her in the end.  Would any of you be able to be her friend after something like this? No wonder she doesn't have any friends. Have any of you gotten positive responses by actually by breaking no contact? Or ran into them down the road?

Someone who lies to me, cheats on me, abuses me, rages at me, is disrespectful to me, continuously tries to manipulate me is not qualified to be my friend.  If I stuck around anyway What the hell is wrong with me? would be a very valid question.  And come to think of it she never was a friend, we just created a toxic bond based on fantasy.

[Turkish]

She obviously finds me not important anymore. It feels like everything was lie from her. I have a feeling she will get what's coming to her in the end.  Would any of you be able to be her friend after something like this? No wonder she doesn't have any friends. Have any of you gotten positive responses by actually by breaking no contact? Or ran into them down the road?

Someone who lies to me, cheats on me, abuses me, rages at me, is disrespectful to me, continuously tries to manipulate me is not qualified to be my friend.  If I stuck around anyway What the hell is wrong with me? would be a very valid question. 

This is why I ultimately, "technically" ended my r/s instead of continuing to try and salvage it. Fr the first time in a long time, I valued myself.

Truth be told also, I valued our children, and was sick of mine mirroring her parents' toxic r/s to them. Because I, and a few others watching our situation, think she would be perfectly ok with staying in our house, status quo, for who knows how long? Enough! The generational cycle stops with my kids. Take control back. You are worth it, Anomaly1, assuredly so. Remember your self worth if she does try and recycle.

[Anomaly1]

I don't think she will try to recycle me turkish. I was at work today and she avoided me and didn't make an effort to try to acknowledge me and such. Has anyone dealt with a weird possible BPD girlfriend at the workplace. I think she's just ashamed to deal with me either that or she doesn't care.

And i'm going to stick to no contact. And not break it.

[fromheeltoheal]

I don't think she will try to recycle me turkish. I was at work today and she avoided me and didn't make an effort to try to acknowledge me and such. Has anyone dealt with a weird possible BPD girlfriend at the workplace. I think she's just ashamed to deal with me either that or she doesn't care.

And i'm going to stick to no contact. And not break it.

I've experienced and read here from others that the primary emotion is shame in situations like that.  Borderlines have a lot of shame, in fact it's a full time job to keep the lid on it, and after a break-up, especially if we leave them, in those quiet times they connect with all the sht they pulled and eventually see why we left, have little clue why they behaved like that, and hate themselves a little more.  Seeing us triggers that, and one way to cope is to act like they don't care.  But they do, deeply, and it's all bad, another lost attachment.

[Turkish]

I don't think she will try to recycle me turkish. I was at work today and she avoided me and didn't make an effort to try to acknowledge me and such. Has anyone dealt with a weird possible BPD girlfriend at the workplace. I think she's just ashamed to deal with me either that or she doesn't care.

And i'm going to stick to no contact. And not break it.

Good for you. Just be prepared if she does. Someone like this is an unknown quantity.

[Anomaly1]

Heel, I'm taking it she only feels bad when she's around me? I only see her once a week if that. It's because management can tell something is going on so they schedule us at different times and such.  She can only feel shame when she's around me right? So those other 6 days she doesn't care right? Only when she has to see my face and such does she feel down and upset?  What happens when she or i quit? Out Of sight out of mind?    I assume after i'm no longer in the picture. Her memories of me fade or i slowly become someone she use to know and i'm just another person in life? And if she is feeling bad,she isn't able to talk it out with me? Because she knows she's lost or done something horrible?she uses her silence towards me as a defense? While she cant chat it up with others. She's just not wired like that?  Do girls use that as a tool to weed out people they don't want in there life? I'm just baffled that this is how it's ending.  At work she can see how i am and others too. Nothing is being done.except for me going no contact. This girl has something affecting her,I think it's growing pains,possible teen angst towards her parents. She wants to hit the ground running with no parental supervision.


Let's say she did try to contact me. 5 months randomly And she said hi. If i broke contact and said the only way i will talk to you is if you go talk to someone.

[fromheeltoheal]

Heel, I'm taking it she only feels bad when she's around me? I only see her once a week if that. It's because management can tell something is going on so they schedule us at different times and such.  She can only feel shame when she's around me right? So those other 6 days she doesn't care right? Only when she has to see my face and such does she feel down and upset?  What happens when she or i quit? Out Of sight out of mind?    I assume after i'm no longer in the picture. Her memories of me fade or i slowly become someone she use to know and i'm just another person in life? And if she is feeling bad,she isn't able to talk it out with me? Because she knows she's lost or done something horrible?she uses her silence towards me as a defense? While she cant chat it up with others. She's just not wired like that?  Do girls use that as a tool to weed out people they don't want in there life? I'm just baffled that this is how it's ending.  At work she can see how i am and others too. Nothing is being done.except for me going no contact. This girl has something affecting her,I think it's growing pains,possible teen angst towards her parents. She wants to hit the ground running with no parental supervision.


Let's say she did try to contact me. 5 months randomly And she said hi. If i broke contact and said the only way i will talk to you is if you go talk to someone.

Standard borderline is you are a trigger, a negative one at this point, and she's probably got a few others, and positive triggers too.  That's not limited to borderlines, we all do that; I'm sure you can think of people who make you feel good when you see them and ones who make you feel bad, it's all about the associations we make in our head towards a person.

Anyway, it's still time to shift the focus to you.  Forget the words, or the lack of words, look at the actions.  She doesn't want to be with you, or she wants to be with you once in a blue moon when she feels like it, whatever.  Are you getting what you need and want long term from someone who treats you like that?  If not, you can't change her, the only thing you can change is how you feel about her.  And you've probably gotten a great education on life and women from this situation, which you can use as you take your more evolved self forward.  Take care of you!

[myself]

NC is a way for you to find clarity and balance, to end the cycles of abuse.

Those walls do not have to become permanent unless that's best for you.

[Anomaly1]

Have any of you dealt with your ex's have a histrionic personality disorder? I've tried seeing the ways it could be mixed with BPD NPD.  Heel you said Silence is her way of coping?

[fromheeltoheal]

Have any of you dealt with your ex's have a histrionic personality disorder? I've tried seeing the ways it could be mixed with BPD NPD.  Heel you said Silence is her way of coping?

Could be, in a passive aggressive way, or maybe she just doesn't want to talk to you.  My take is you're still trying to fit her in a disordered box, or boxes, to explain her behavior and understand what is going on, which is fine and can help, but at some point it's just better to let it go.  We've all wanted to sit down with our exes and get some kind of closure and the validation that comes with them taking responsibility, owning their sht, and showing us that they care about us, want the best for us, and it just didn't work out.  If she does indeed have a personality disorder, or even if she's just a young immature girl screwing around and doing what she wants, you will never get those things from her; better to shift the focus to you, the lessons learned, and your future.  What can you do right now to start that?

[Anomaly1]

I've been trying to get out of my job so i don't have to be around her. Thing is she went from contacting me by text.once a week and then just stopped because i talked to her mom.I can definitely say it's that.  My other option is by not talking to her.

[Anomaly1]

Does anyone ever receive a sincere apology in situations like these? Or is it they just stop talking to you and possibly contact you when they feel like disregarding there behavior.

[fromheeltoheal]

Does anyone ever receive a sincere apology in situations like these? Or is it they just stop talking to you and possibly contact you when they feel like disregarding there behavior.

It's up to you to decide if it's sincere or not.  The core of BPD is a fear of abandonment and the corresponding need to attach to people to feel whole, so apologies are usually attempts to reconnect and form or reestablish an attachment.  Borderlines are great actors, they have to be to survive, so creating the illusion that they are aware of how you feel and care about you is an effective tool in pulling on your heart strings and creating an emotional bond.  It's up to you to decide if it's sincere or not; trust your gut.

[Anomaly1]

I should say even though she's not talking to me. I know the reason why she's not is because i know and doesn't want to face it. As messed up as it she'll prolly find a reason as i was bad and that's why she stopped talking to me. Even though she's at this stage. Is there ever a point where she offers a sincere apology?  I got a half assed one at work. But a non text face to face type apology? OR is it what there comfortable with?

[fromheeltoheal]

I should say even though she's not talking to me. I know the reason why she's not is because i know and doesn't want to face it. As messed up as it she'll prolly find a reason as i was bad and that's why she stopped talking to me. Even though she's at this stage. Is there ever a point where she offers a sincere apology?  I got a half assed one at work. But a non text face to face type apology? OR is it what there comfortable with?

Again, you need to decide if it's sincere or not.  If someone is disordered and focusing exclusively on her own sht, she isn't aware of how you feel, so there's no need to apologize.  And like I said, if what sounds like a sincere apology seems to be a good attachment tool, she may use it.  If, on the other hand, she's a young immature girl, she may not yet be capable of a sincere adult apology and will avoid it, or maybe she doesn't think she owes you one, for whatever reason.

I know you're hurting and looking for answers, and it's tempting to want to put her in a personality disorder box to clear things up, although honestly I haven't read much here that indicates extreme BPD behavior.  Women are always confusing to men, and sometimes it's easier to keep your side of the street clean, act with integrity, learn what you can and move on.

[Anomaly1]

Ok, So i'm still confused but got a chance to talk to her on Sunday.  I of all people had to work right next to her.So at work she noticed me ignoring her and said. So are you going to make this awkward?I broke contact and told her no matter what i do or say it's not going to change you.

We agreed and met after work and talked.   She told me she's mental.She isn't happy with her life.That was from her own mouth. I asked her if she thinks the reason why she took me for granted was because everyone in the past had treated her horribly. And she said yes. I did take you for granted and you treated me good.    She said she feels horrible. Her entire body and face was almost in a catatonic state. Her mom never told her i called and talked to her. Her mom the other day brought up if she has talked to me or the other guy at work. Quick note this other guy has started seeing some other girl at work.  She said to me that she misses the attention he would give her. I thought that was messed up.He doesn't want anything to do with her and doesn't talk to her.  So she told her mom no i don't talk to them. Her mom went on to say that she has better options out there other than the guy she's living with. Which makes me think her mom knows what's going on.Atleast a pretty good idea. She told me that she's trying to get rid of this other guy. She mentioned that this guy hates me because he knows he has nothing to offer her. He went through her phone a long time ago and found out that she said she loves me through text and such. She can connect with me on a different level than him. If it weren't for me. She would still be stuck with him. In her words you have me. I don't see how that's possible if she's living with him. Their lease is due up in August. So If she knows he's a waste and she's getting it from her mom then theres some searching she needs to do.   She went on to say I love you you know i do. And i would marry you. I don't know how to get you to trust me on that.  We talked some more and I said do you think that because of the things i've done that it's caused you to think negatively or positively towards me. She said alot more positively.   

She goes i don't know what i want.I asked if she wanted to see someone.She said no. I told her that it would tear me up inside knowing if she saw somebody else.She said the same for me. She wants to work on her problems and issues. I asked her to talk to someone with me.She said she wouldn't,she said she didn't have the money. Then i said i would pay.The only person she will talk to her is her mom.  She said just give me time to figure this out. 

I have a friend who has a degree in psychology and told me that she is stressed and struggling to be a young adult and needs some guidance on how to manage her life.

Thoughts?  I'm still keeping my distance. But know that every building has been smashed and i got a chance to say everything i need to say. I think it's eating at her.And she knows she's messed up and she knows she has options out there and needs to change herself around. I do think if she does leave it will still eat at her knowing what she's done to me and i don't think she'll be able to shake something like that.