I'm rambling... Want us to be done, yesterday. Sick faking it.

[Landslide2014]

I went to see an attorney the other day, finally. I had no idea it would cost so much but I don't even care. There was no doubt. I did not hire her yet.  I want to interview one more. My uBPDH does not seem to have a clue that I am on this path. I feel so sick from faking it, I don't know how he doesn't know. This morning I walked out of my room after doing yoga.  He and my 7 year old son laughing, in a good way. Still I respected their moment and silently hoped for more.  For them, not me.  I did not show emotion. This is one of my defenses. I can feel it but I do not want to risk using words out loud, because of the constant critique on my behavior, disapproval of how I'm not trying or inaccurate judgement about how I feel. Regardless of the words I use, they are almost always, now interpreted other than what they really are, so why bother?  I am monotone with him.  Like a wet rag. Blah. Anyway, I proceeded to make pancakes for them both, not from obligation, but because I wanted to.  If it were just for the H I more than likely would have opted out, but 3 of my kids were home so I proceeded.  I would not omit him just to be spiteful and hope I never get to that.  He confronted me with a challenge... . " You're angry.  Again!". "I'm not going to take this behavior much longer." "What did  you mean the other night when you said 'you had a revelation'... "  I answered, "Actually I didn't use that word but I said... . I think that I started to heal and work on my character defects 9 years ago during our marriage weekend" (this was shared in a group that he was in).  The unabsorbed answer was butchered. I kicked myself silently for giving him fuel. This is how sensitive it's been lately, even the simplest stuff. I slowly stopped using words except to mildly repeat his content. He angered (not physically of overly) and declared "I don't have to take your criticisms... . " projection? I tried to hush him when my littler guy re entered. He obliviously continued for a few moments and left.  Two of the texts to follow were " ... . I get exhausted with people and things that are negative... . I'm not going there". And "Your Aggressive behavior this morning was unjust. What can I do to help you with that?"  My skin is crawling. I did not address either. I tried a phone conversation, very basic, later on. (he was taking my 7 year old to pick up his mother) "Where are you boys, still going as planned? "  (It was 8 hours earlier than he told me he'd be going". He  answered with a nonsensical reply "66.3". I said "What?  I don't understand what your saying". His voice was strange and he chose some other words that I tried to dissect.  I got completely creeped out and told him I'd talk to him later. I don't like this. Communication is getting worse. I trust and believe nothing. My house with my daughters was completely  enjoyable this evening in the absence of his presence. They were out of their rooms and we shared time. Coincidence?  I still have a long road to recovery when I still doubt my instinct. I don't mind the work, but It is critical that I remain focused.  When can I tell him we're done?

[dreamofpeace]

Hi Landslide, I'm so sorry you have to go through this... . I know the feeling all too well. It seems as if everything you do/don't do, say/don't say becomes attacked. I have found over and over again, in his mind I never did anything right. I even started labeling myself that way as if I clearly do everything wrong... . and meanwhile I was trying so very, very hard to do something "right". I think it's good to focus on what you need and do what it takes to get there. I'm new to this board too, so others will have better advice for sure. Just know you are not alone and let those peaceful moments with your daughters, etc. help to carry you through this... .

[Mutt]

You're angry.  Again!". "I'm not going to take this behavior much longer.

I don't have to take your criticisms... .

When I read through your post, I read this as projection from your husband Landslide2014.

... . I get exhausted with people and things that are negative... . I'm not going there

This is projection, but I could be wrong with the bolded words, because it sounds like splitting. My wife would often say "Mutt you are absolutely draining me" and I sensed this was before a split. I recall reading somewhere that splitting is emotionally exaustive for a BPD, but please take that with a grain of salt. I tried googling it and I can't find it. Either way, it's projection.

Are you asking on how to formalize an exit plan?

Here is some information on projection BPD BEHAVIORS: Projection

Is your L familiar w/ BPD? I would strongly suggest reading this book Splitting

Protecting yourself While Divorcing a Borderline or a Narcissist

by William A. ("Bill" Eddy, Esq



I recommend getting advice from the legal board, the information I got there helped me in preparing and pertinent strategies w/ shared custody of my kids from uBPDex. [L3] Family law, divorce, and custody


Hang in there.

- Mutt  

[Landslide2014]

Thank you for your support. I guess I would love to formalize an exit plan and be confident enough to execute it. I did get the book, Splitting... .   Thank you so much. I am trying to equip myself with knowledge.  I think the part about it that scares me so much is I can never be sure what he is capable of.  His truth is so off the mark. My simple is compromised by complication. And when I catch glimpses of him idealizing our relationship I habitually want to go there.  Luckily I don't. I know today that it is just a matter of time before I am devalued. I have resentment and I am sad that my years of hope and fighting for "us" was so unrealistic. I am grateful for he awareness and the opportunity to heal... . It's just so hard sometimes. I will read the legal section. Oh and the L actually said that has actually BpD has been the claim of quite a few of her clients recently.