Staying (Mostly) Out of Obligation... And Fear

[ATLandon]

So one of the admins contacted me in regard to a comment I made on a thread. The following is a quote from that thread:

Honest statement.  What is keeping you in your relationship?

I first fell in love with my wife's sense of humor (when she isn't being over sensitive or attention seeking). I still love that quality about her. We have many shared goals and aspirations in life that we want toward together. And, if I'm being really honest, a lot of obligation to stay on my end. She has isolated herself from all of her immediate family, except for her youngest sister and has no friends of her own. As much as she drives me bat ___ crazy, I know that if I left she would likely kill herself, or at least attempt to do so. I would have very difficult time letting that weigh on conscience.

There were a small handful of   when I was dating my uBPD wife in the first year. I was young (barely 20 years old), inexperienced at dating, and (unbeknownst at the time) had grown up with uBPD/BPD-like traits in my mother and oldest sister. So being with my wife felt normal to me since I didn't have much to compare to our relationship to and the relationships I had with women I was close to were also emotionally unbalanced.

Fast forward 5 years later and I had seen all the dysfunction a person can in a dysfunctional relationship; I'd had enough and I was ready for change. I asked my wife what she thought about taking a temporary break to work on the relationship. It was bad. It was really bad. In the end of that conversation she basically said that if I ever left her she would commit suicide because she had nothing worth living for without me. That statement absolutely terrified me. I certainly didn't want to stay in the relationship but I couldn't have her killing herself over me. The situation felt very much like a stalemate to me. At the time I didn't think I could admit her to a hospital or call the police because it didn't feel like an immediate threat; I would actually have to break up with her to find out. That wasn't a risk I was willing to take. In my heart of hearts I knew there was truth in what she said.

My uBPD wife has reiterated that same statement throughout the years, though it takes a different tone or connotation from time to time but the threat, no matter how mild, is always there. The structure of our relationship has been based on me feeling obligated to stay with her because I'm afraid of the alternative. We're in a much better place now in our lives than we were even a couple years ago, much less 5 years ago, but my sense of obligation and fearfulness for her life remains. I know that ultimately I really have no control over her will or ability to keep herself alive. But I know her chances are better if I'm around. Some days it feels like I've killed pieces of me to let her live. Anyways, maybe someone else can relate.

[maxsterling]

I can relate.  Change a few details, and I could have probably written your exact same post.  There's no question I love my girlfriend, but deep down I know she isn't the person I was looking for, and know I would be much happier and comfortable with someone else or on my own.  So why am I in this?  Probably in part because the first time I broke up with her and called the police because she was out of control, she told me she would kill herself on my living room floor if I left her and that it would be my fault.  I can rationally see that's nonsense, but emotionally, it's stuck with me.  I've had dreams and fears about her killing herself ever since.  I've been seeing a T who has helped me detach, and her behavior towards me has improved, but it's still not great. 

Interestingly, I brought this up in couples T the other day, and my girlfriend said she had no intentions of hurting herself and that I was projecting for even thinking that.  I reminded her that the day before she was hitting herself and throwing things, and that I can't help my emotions - it just happens.  Little things send me back to those times when I had that strong fear - like flashbacks.  The T then asked me to explain, asking me questions like I may suffer from PTSD.   

[ATLandon]

I forgot to mention that one of the times I tried breaking it off with my wife (I believe this was around the same time I mentioned previously) that I was telling her it was over in no uncertain terms. I remember I was at university, working alone in the basement of the school archives and I was on the phone with her, telling her it was over. The line went dead quiet. Then she said, "That's great dude. That's just really great! Especially now when I needed you the most." I got baited in and inquired as to what she was talking about. Eventually she spit out that when I returned home for work that day that she was finally going to confide in me about her being sexually abused by her father as a child. She tells me this right after I say I'm leaving. And she begs me to stay because she can't process this on her own and needs me. Honestly, I still have doubts about how much truth there is to that confession. I do believe she was abused by her father, but I question the sexual side of it. But I stayed none-the-less because I felt like I had to stay after she disclosed such a vulnerability.

God, so much has happened over the years that I sort of tuned out of my own thoughts and experiences because I didn't even want to acknowledge what had/was happening in my own life.

[Want2know]

ATLandon, is your wife doing any type of therapy, or has she in the past?

That's a heavy burden to carry.  My ex also threatened suicide often, and there were times when I felt he would if I wasn't there to bring him down off the ledge, so to speak.

One of the last times I saw him, after we had already broken up, he left a voice mail on my phone that sounded as if he was in the process of killing himself with car exhaust (he had tried that before).  I didn't get the message till the morning, and immediately tried calling him back.  It went straight to voice mail, so I drove to his place to find his cell phone smashed on the floor, and him quietly sleeping.  Ugh!

What I should have done is called the police to go check on him.  I took a lot of responsibility for a very ill man that I have no professional training with. 

Something very important to consider... . besides the fact that you feel you are in some way being held hostage to a relationship you are not sure about, it's about getting her to someone who is trained to help folks who are suicidal.

Have you read through our suicide protocol and the workshop we have here?  Here are some links for you:

https://bpdfamily.com/discussions/search-info3.htm

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=79032.0

[hurthusband]

I can completely relate.  From a completely unemotional standpoint, my BPD offers me nothing except the occasion laundry, a ton of medical bills, a ton of credit card bills, and hate.  On occasion there is intense love which wins me back everytime, but we are talking kind moments that last more than 2 hours are about once every few weeks.  

  I am thinking of it now even.  She had threatened to kill herself in past and actually has attempted suicide twice that I found her and got her to a hospital on  Now, she does not threaten to kill herself, but its not much different.  She is completely talented enough and smart enough to hold down a good job and she has a degree.  Her relationships with people, her sense of entitlement, and her aggression though do not permit her to work or do anything really.  While she loves her childeren more than anything, she cannot stand being around them alot of times.  She talks only negatively about every single person in her life and fights with many.  She has held countless number of jobs that all end poorly.

  Even though she blames me for us not having more, without me, I do not see how she could handle it all.  She is an art major so even if she taught she could never make but maybe half of what I do which is not enough to meet her needs.  The kids and here would consume each other.  The only thing that feels like is anchoring her to life is me.  The kids are terrified about me leaving.  

At same time, I am unraveling.  All my hopes and dreams are pretty much gone being married to her.  That is fine, since her love and the kids are enough for me.  Even if it means I do not live in the same life I grew up in.  Problem is, there is so much hate.   She threatens to do horrible things to me and the people I love if I do not do her bidding.

I can honestly say, if I do get out, I am so soured on the relationship thing, that I do not EVER want another relationship.  I do not know how much of this is BPD and how much is relationship, but I do not know how I will survive it

[ATLandon]

ATLandon, is your wife doing any type of therapy, or has she in the past?

... . What I should have done is called the police to go check on him.  I took a lot of responsibility for a very ill man that I have no professional training with. 

Something very important to consider... . besides the fact that you feel you are in some way being held hostage to a relationship you are not sure about, it's about getting her to someone who is trained to help folks who are suicidal.

W2K, wife and I went to couples therapy about three years ago and that helped our relationship tremendously in regard to communicating better, conflict resolution, and helping her learn to control her rages. Luckily our MC recommended her to a colleague that specializes in adults who suffered from childhood trauma/abuse, as well as partners of transgender people; both issues were heavily affecting our relationship at the time. My wife still sees her personal therapist regularly and I have seen very steady progress. Though my wife rarely discusses what she talks about in therapy. That can be frustrating for me at times but I also understand the need to have one's privacy respected.

Also, thank you for the guidance and tools you suggested. I truly appreciate it and will start looking into them. I regret not having gotten myself and my wife help much sooner in our relationship. Maybe things would be so bitter and resentful on my end. Maybe she wouldn't have suffered as long. One day at a time.

[unicorn2014]

So one of the admins contacted me in regard to a comment I made on a thread. The following is a quote from that thread:

Honest statement.  What is keeping you in your relationship?

I first fell in love with my wife's sense of humor (when she isn't being over sensitive or attention seeking). I still love that quality about her. We have many shared goals and aspirations in life that we want toward together. And, if I'm being really honest, a lot of obligation to stay on my end. She has isolated herself from all of her immediate family, except for her youngest sister and has no friends of her own. As much as she drives me bat ___ crazy, I know that if I left she would likely kill herself, or at least attempt to do so. I would have very difficult time letting that weigh on conscience.

There were a small handful of   when I was dating my uBPD wife in the first year. I was young (barely 20 years old), inexperienced at dating, and (unbeknownst at the time) had grown up with uBPD/BPD-like traits in my mother and oldest sister. So being with my wife felt normal to me since I didn't have much to compare to our relationship to and the relationships I had with women I was close to were also emotionally unbalanced.

Fast forward 5 years later and I had seen all the dysfunction a person can in a dysfunctional relationship; I'd had enough and I was ready for change. I asked my wife what she thought about taking a temporary break to work on the relationship. It was bad. It was really bad. In the end of that conversation she basically said that if I ever left her she would commit suicide because she had nothing worth living for without me. That statement absolutely terrified me. I certainly didn't want to stay in the relationship but I couldn't have her killing herself over me. The situation felt very much like a stalemate to me. At the time I didn't think I could admit her to a hospital or call the police because it didn't feel like an immediate threat; I would actually have to break up with her to find out. That wasn't a risk I was willing to take. In my heart of hearts I knew there was truth in what she said.

My uBPD wife has reiterated that same statement throughout the years, though it takes a different tone or connotation from time to time but the threat, no matter how mild, is always there. The structure of our relationship has been based on me feeling obligated to stay with her because I'm afraid of the alternative. We're in a much better place now in our lives than we were even a couple years ago, much less 5 years ago, but my sense of obligation and fearfulness for her life remains. I know that ultimately I really have no control over her will or ability to keep herself alive. But I know her chances are better if I'm around. Some days it feels like I've killed pieces of me to let her live. Anyways, maybe someone else can relate.

I can definitely relate! My dBPDpartner used to tell me that all the time and attempted suicide twice. The second time I called the police. I told him he may not use suicide as a breakup method.

[younglovebp]

I may not know exactly what you're going through - but I am in a similar situation. I've been with my partner for 4 years, we've made plans to get engaged at 5 years. It's just around the corner... .

She self-mutilates (cutting) and threatens she'd kill herself if we break up. When we fit she cuts herself up now, she never did this 4 years ago. She had old scars and told me it was from her childhood when she would cut herself. I am so torn right now - I can not physically take the yelling and arguing anymore. I'm 30 years old, and my career is really taking off - I hardly have a personal life anymore and feel like a prisoner in my life.

[Want2know]

One day at a time.

Yes, indeed.  

I'm glad to hear that she is still in therapy, and that some things are getting better.

What are you doing to deal with the stress that this must be creating?  Are you seeking counseling, too?

It's so good that you are sharing what's going on here.  What can be a great compliment to sharing here is talking to someone who is a professional.  There are hotlines you can call, if you don't have a therapist, or if you need someone to talk to immediately - here's one for the U.S.: 1-800-273-8255.  We can help with finding other hotlines outside the U.S., too.

For those of you responding on this thread, my heart is with you.  It is such a difficult position to be in, when you love someone who is mentally ill, and there are serious situations that you are dealing with, ie. suicide, cutting, etc.

I know you want to help them.  Really, and I can tell you from experience, the best thing you can do is seek help for yourselves to work though this, and support your partners in seeking professional help.  We cannot save them.  We can only take care of ourselves and hope that they have the fortitude to carry on.

What is it that you need in order to do this?  We're listening, and want to provide the support and guidance you need.

[ATLandon]

What are you doing to deal with the stress that this must be creating?  Are you seeking counseling, too?

I know you want to help them.  Really, and I can tell you from experience, the best thing you can do is seek help for yourselves to work though this, and support your partners in seeking professional help.  We cannot save them.  We can only take care of ourselves and hope that they have the fortitude to carry on.

What is it that you need in order to do this?  We're listening, and want to provide the support and guidance you need.

Ironically, I have been in therapy longer than my wife. I started therapy about six years ago when I went back to university since it was "free," or at least included in the cost of tuition. I first started seeing my therapist because of my anxiety related to being transgender and not being out, nor had I had transitioned at the time. She has been a limitless supply of strength and my rock of steadiness to rely on through the years as I came out to family, friends, and my wife and finally transitioned with T's help. My therapist constantly encourages me to take better care of myself and do things alone that make me happy. I'm finally coming around to taking her advice more seriously.

I think I'm not finally starting to see what my T has likely seen all along. That I know the answers to my problems and should rely/listen to my own inner voice more. Honestly though, I withheld a lot of negative information about my wife from my therapist for fear of my T intervening in ways I wasn't prepared to handle (i.e., my wife threatening suicide, my wife physically abusing me, and emotionally/verbally abusing me). I just started opening up some about these past issues to my therapist just in the last few sessions, and we only we meet once a month. I guess you could say I'm a tough nut to crack!

I've started exercising, going to AA meetings regularly and working the 12 steps with a sponsor, staying sober, reaching out to friends more often for fellowship, separating work from home life (in other words, not talking much to wife about work), and generally trying to keep the things that bring me joy fairly compartmentalized from my relationship with my wife. For now, those things are what I'm doing to take care of myself.

[Want2know]

I think I'm not finally starting to see what my T has likely seen all along. That I know the answers to my problems and should rely/listen to my own inner voice more. Honestly though, I withheld a lot of negative information about my wife from my therapist for fear of my T intervening in ways I wasn't prepared to handle (i.e., my wife threatening suicide, my wife physically abusing me, and emotionally/verbally abusing me). I just started opening up some about these past issues to my therapist just in the last few sessions, and we only we meet once a month. I guess you could say I'm a tough nut to crack!

Good start!  What she say when you started talking about your wife's abuse and suicide threats?

A friend of mine told me therapy is only as good as what you share.  She felt I was holding back when I was with my T.  What she saw was me telling her stuff on a daily basis, and then having a feeling I wasn't sharing what I shared with her with my T.  I think some of it is when you walk in that door to your T's office, what you are thinking about then and there is what you talk about.  Sometimes, what I talked about with my gf was not what was on my mind, so I had to make a conscious effort to write down some items to discuss the week prior to my visits so I wouldn't let them go.  Other times, it may have been what you stated - I just didn't want to hear what my T had to say because then it would hold me accountable to taking action that I wasn't comfortable with, or that I didn't feel I could follow through with.  That's when I realized if I really wanted things to get better, I had to just suck it up, and say it all.  Sounds like that's where you are right now - I hope you continue down this path with your T.

I've started exercising, going to AA meetings regularly and working the 12 steps with a sponsor, staying sober, reaching out to friends more often for fellowship, separating work from home life (in other words, not talking much to wife about work), and generally trying to keep the things that bring me joy fairly compartmentalized from my relationship with my wife. For now, those things are what I'm doing to take care of myself.

Good stuff, ATLandon.   

The things that bring you joy... . when you have these moments, and in the past have tried to share them with your wife, how has she responded?  Just curious.